Heart and Soul
by Elvirina
Summary: This is Benjamin's story and the companion piece for Out of Oblivion. Read what happens after Edward and Ben break up.  What will the future hold and how do you mend a broken heart? OOC, Slash and so much more. Rated M
1. Backwash

**This is the companion piece for my Edward and Bella story Out of Oblivion. Yes, that story has been finished for a while, and this has been promised for even longer. I hope some of you are still with me. I'm sorry for the delay, but I had to go look for my mojo. It rudely took a vacation.**

**I have a few acknowledgements beforehand, in case I forget later:**

**Places, suburbs, beaches, and cafe's in Los Angeles, are chosen with the help of Nicoconsd and HopeStreet. Thank you, lovelies.**

**Betaing is done by Dazzled Eyes22, who has to be the most patient woman in the world. Thank you, dear.**

**Chartwilightmom is one of my besties. She always makes me feel better, though her mind is often located in the gutter. She pre-reads this story. Thank you, Pimpmaster.**

**AnnaLund does an awesome handholding amongst a bunch of other things and she is featured in this story. Anna is simply Anna, even in Fan Fiction. She's awesome.**

**Now that's done, I hope you enjoy the story.**

**Pssst, it's slash… I warned you.**

**Translation:**

**Ossignor, è Ben, vero? Chi d'altro! Lo sapevo! - **_**That's Ben right? **__**Who else? I knew it!**_

**Scusami, devo parlare con Ben, va bene. - **_**Hang on. **__**I need to talk to Ben, okay.**_

oooooOOOOooooo

**Heart and Soul**

**Backwash**

Benjamin Vasquez sat with his head in his hands and tears brimming in his eyes. His heart burned, and with every heavy palpation, heat consumed him. This was not how his latest relationship was supposed to end up. Most importantly, it wasn't supposed to end. He had given the beautiful copper-haired man all that he had, tried with every thought and act to slowly propel the relationship forward. It had worked this time until the soft-spoken Isabella Swan inadvertently tore them apart.

Staring at his phone, all Ben wanted was for the suffering to end. He wanted to stop the madness and stop digging holes for himself because he was already in way too deep. His actions the previous forty-eight hours could be summed up with one word - stupid. Never before had he stooped so low.

As he wiped away the drops of moisture off his face with his hands, he re-read the text message he had already punched in. It was the best he could do. He didn't want to see Edward, though his former lover had asked. He was too ashamed of himself, too hurt and too angry to want to be in the same room with him.

He hit send.

**Thank you for thinking about me and being considerate. I have to say I'm not surprised you chose her. I knew I was fighting a losing battle. Don't feel bad, Edward. You were more honest with me than most men would have been. What's done is done and some day this will all be water under the bridge and it won't hurt so much. Tell Isabella that I'm sorry for what I did, too, because after you met her, your heart was never mine, it was always hers. I wish you the best of luck. Ben**

Ben was in love and he promised himself that it was a good thing. At least, it meant that he was capable of falling in love. How many men even knew how to do that? However, as grand and beautiful as love supposedly was, it could feel as shitty and downright wretched at the same time. Sitting at his desk at work, Ben was stuck in the purgatory of the latter.

The relationship between Edward and Ben had been sound, honest and reasonable. It was the kind of love that made sense on all levels. It had started off slowly, while taking a little time to set root, and grow strong enough to reach for the light of day. Just as that love was about to fully bloom, Edward had chosen to take that fragile little bud, and nip it off.

Edward Cullen had dumped him.

Taking partial responsibility in what happened two nights ago felt good, and more importantly, it let Ben keep a bit of his dignity. As he sat in his office and let his sorrow seep into his chest, Ben realized that he wouldn't mind kicking Edward in the nuts as payback for his broken heart.

"You ready, Benjamin?" His boss, Aro, inquired, while poking his head around the door to his small office.

"Yes. Are they all here?" Ben asked, before dragging his head back to the present. He couldn't afford to be lost in his own head, while nursing his hurt feelings. At work, he needed his sharp and acute ability to read people for what they could possibly do. That was what made him good at his job. The gift to see past the façade, smoke and mirrors that actors so skillfully put up was key to being a successful casting agent.

"Every single one." Aro paused, while skillfully dragging his skinny fingers over his papery and pale skin. "You okay?"

Ben took a deep breath and stood up, while leaving his phone on his desk. "Just some personal stuff, but it's taken care of. How's the crowd looking?" Ben asked.

Aro sent him an indulgent smile. "I know you better than that, Benjamin," he said and lingered at the door for an explanation.

The burn in Ben's chest flared at the elder man's sympathy. Aro was a person that many people considered to be callous, arrogant and above all a predator, but not to Ben. To Ben, Aro was the man who had become the representation of the father figure he had lacked since he was fifteen years old. He wasn't the ruthless businessman around Ben, but a mentor, and a teacher that cared for his protégé. Ben had worked with Aro for four years now, basically ever since he traveled across the continent leaving his past to vanish in the rearview mirror.

Ben nodded tiredly. "Let's just say we all get our hands burned if we stick our fingers into the fire. You don't have to worry, Aro."

"I always worry about you, Benjamin," the elder gentleman answered kindly. To say _elder_ was accurate, Aro was pushing seventy and should have retired years ago, but he wasn't a man to sit still or leave the keys to his life's work behind. "What's bothering you?"

Ben pushed back the wave of emotions and flash-like images of Edward's beautiful face. For as long as they had known each other, Aro had his back. When he needed a place to live, Aro was the man, who magically procured a lease for a rent-controlled apartment in Santa Monica that was to die for. How he managed it wasn't a question Ben wanted to ask. He just signed on the dotted line. "It's not important," he dismissed. "Now, let's look at the crowd and hire some people."

"Let's," Aro acquiesced. "You know you can always bend my ear, if you want to talk." As they left Ben's office and began walking down to the conference room, they passed several of the actors auditioning for the leads in the Hunger Games. Ben swiftly and discretely assessed the faces crowding the waiting area. There were twenty-one readings today.

"What do you think?" Ben asked under his breath.

"So far, so good, I say. I'm almost confident we're going to find who we are looking for between these hopeful souls," Aro interceded.

"Good to hear," Ben answered as he walked into the conference room. He greeted the newly assigned director and the AD before he pulled out a chair, sat down, and flipped through the script that was in front of him. "Who's first?" Ben asked, while looking up and keeping to business.

Aro handed him a folder. "His name is Connor. Good height and physique. His body of work isn't impressive, just some minor parts in various TV shows, two small parts in movies coming out soon and one getting a fair bit of attention on the web. He's fresh-faced and a good fit for Gale when it comes to appearance. Let's see what he can do."

Ben looked at the headshots and an assortment of references. "Yeah, he could be right, but he will need to dye his hair dark," Ben murmured then quickly scanned through the papers, before he stood and moved to the door.

There had always been a strange power attached to his job, which Ben didn't particularly like. He broke hearts and made dreams come true several times a day. He knew every look of hope from memory because he'd seen them all. On the downside, he could also pinpoint the darkness of a shattered dream from a mile away.

"Connor Hayes, we're ready for you?" Ben said scanning the crowd of people sitting in the waiting room.

A tall blond man with a broad smile came over and held out his hand. "Benjamin Vasquez," Ben introduced himself and then gestured to the elder man with the fragile skin. "This is Aro, the director, and the AD." Connor Hayes politely introduced himself, while shaking hands as he went. "You're reading for Gale," Ben stated, before getting straight to business. "I'll be reading for Katniss today. We just want to get a feel for you."

"That's fine," he answered amiably.

The blond man sat down already having the pages dog-eared. It was nice when they came prepared. As the reading started, Connor hardly needed the script for support, but instead he kept a keen eye on Ben. It was almost unnerving, but that was the kind of person they were looking for in the character - someone who was perceptive and sharp as a blade.

When night came around, Ben was exhausted and absolutely gutted. The workday had been good and productive, but every now and again his thoughts escaped to Edward. Lying face down on his couch with his cheek squashed to the pillow, he knew it was time to call for some backup. Every time that he was stuck in an emotional crisis, there was only one person he wanted to pour his heart out to, but she was thousands of miles away. They had met in college and been friends since first year. Even though they didn't speak everyday, they were as good friends today as they were when they first sat giggling next to each other for lunch way back when.

Lifting his hips, he dug his phone out of his pocket and pushed up Anna's number. Ben didn't exactly take into account that there were several time zones between them. The phone beeped many times before a groggy voice picked up.

"How's your big hunky Italian?" Ben asked, as he lay with his head still smashed to the pillows of his couch.

"Ben? What the fuck! It's 5 AM! You know I love you and all, but shit, it is too early. Hang on, what happened?" Anna's voice sobered as she stopped rambling.

Ben smiled into the pillow. "You didn't answer my question."

Anna snickered. "He's right here, looking at me and shaking his head," she teased. In the background, Ben could just pick up a grumbling male voice. "Ossignor, è Ben, vero? Chi d'altro! Lo sapevo!"

"Tell him that I'm sorry …and how do you know anything happened?" Ben asked in defeat.

"Why would else would you call me at 5 AM? What's up, baby? Really, what happened?" Anna asked, while sounding concerned. Lying on the couch, he ached to have her closer, just to see her smile. He knew that she was about to go into an endless string of encouragements. "Scusami, devo parlare con Ben, va bene." She hushed her husband, before the sound of her moving gave away that she was going into another room. "I'm here."

Ben sighed. "Got any quick fixes for a broken heart? Maybe a stun gun would be better."

"That bad, huh, baby? Now, who do I have to sock on the jaw next time I'm in town?" she added cheerfully.

"You do throw a better punch than me. His name is Edward. He's gorgeous and he's gone. I'm just a sucker for a pretty face."

"They're always gorgeous and gone, honey. The names just change, that's all. God, I'd like to just pull you close and hug you. It's his loss because you're perfect and you're good through and through. Next time, we'll find you a not so fucking pretty face, just someone cute."

Ben propped himself to his elbow. "Looks are so last year, honey. I'll settle for a gay man," he muttered, while mentally adding, '_preferably someone who stays gay'_.

"Don't you dare settle! You're too good for that."

"See, Anna, that's my problem. I'm too nice. They bat their lashes and I'm sold. I'm sick of trying."

"You say you're sick of trying like you're giving up or something. You know there's this gorgeous man out there somewhere and you just haven't found him yet. Don't give up." Anna's voice was soft and comforting as she spoke. Listening to her voice, he could almost remember what it felt like to lie next to her when they had needed each other in the past. She was often like one huge Band-Aid for all his heartache. Anna always knew what to say. "Would you like to get away for a bit? Come stay with us?"

"I'll hop on a plane as soon as I can, but I'm pretty jammed with work these days. New movie, new faces. A man has to work. I appreciate the offer though. I'll let you get back to your big hunky Italian," Ben finished, knowing he should let her get some sleep.

"I want you here," Anna almost protested. "Hold up. There are two super sweet boys right down my street. I think they're gay. At least, that's what my neighbors say. Oh wait, they think I'm a lesbian since I supported the Pride and walked in the parade, but the boys are really really cute," Anna teased.

"Sounds intriguing. Dark hair and dark eyes?" Ben asked, while playing along.

"Yes, both of them are Italian and slim and… Shit! I want to be a gay man," she prattled on.

Ben laughed. "Your X-chromosomes are working against you on that point. Besides, if you were a gay man, you would have ended up with me."

"Yes, I would. I would have snatched you off the market so fast your head would still be spinning." She paused for a little bit. "Are you feeling a bit better?"

"Yeah, I think I can get off the couch now," he said, as he sat up and raked a hand through his hair. He really was feeling better. His head felt lighter and the ache in his chest seemed to have eased.  
>"All right, then," Anna said. "Let me know what goes on in your life, baby. Don't leave me out of the loop like this and then come shocking me at the ass-crack of dawn again, okay?"<p>

Ben giggled. "Yeah, sweet thing. I think I can do that. I just don't want to burden you."

Anna sighed, sounding almost irritated. "You're never a burden. Besides, I can take it. You know I'm on the next flight if you're really shattered, right?"

"Yes, you're scary that way," Ben answered lightly. "Now go back and cuddle your big boy. I'll call you again in a couple of days, okay?"

"Okay, just hang in there," Anna answered. "You better make sure you keep me updated or there will be hell to pay if you don't. Bye now, sweets."

"Bye, gorgeous," Ben replied, "I love you from here to there."

"Me too."

As Ben hung up, there was only the vague hum of the city to entertain him. He didn't feel like turning on the TV or succumbing to any other type of time-consuming gadget. He just wanted to sulk and wallow in his self-pity. So that's exactly what he did, starting with a steaming hot shower. After towel drying his hair, he noticed he really needed a haircut. Perhaps, the trivial and mundane things in everyday life were what he should focus on. Pulling on a pair of sweats and a wife beater, he set about the most ordinary run-of-the-mill thing he could think of - laundry.

Sorting out a bunch of whites, Ben came across a shirt that definitely wasn't his. The plain white tee that was one size bigger than what Ben normally wore and it belonged to Edward. Grumbling under his breath, Ben made a mental note that he needed to hand it back at some point. He wasn't in a hurry and he didn't want to see Edward, especially not after what happened. That was when he realized everywhere seemingly indifferent tokens of Edward Cullen were littered throughout his apartment. Snatching that white shirt off the floor was only the beginning of a pile of stuff that was going into the trash. Maybe all these items were proof of the small hope that kept blooming in his stomach, where Edward would change his mind about them and a certain woman he had met. How stupid of him, Ben realized.

A shirt, some deodorant, a razor, a music magazine and a specific brand of coffee Ben had procured because Edward liked it, all went the same way - straight into the dumpster. God, it felt good when he put the lid back on. It was past midnight when Ben finally dragged himself to bed, knowing perfectly well that all he would dream about was Edward.

The next morning, Ben instinctively knew there was a new pattern developing in his life. He parked opposite of where he normally did, just to stand across the street waiting. He slipped into the small convenient store to pick up a pack of Luckys, though he had quit smoking years ago. Right now, he really needed a cigarette and then he would quit again. Besides that, Anna would have his head if she knew he was smoking. He couldn't help smiling at the thought of the epic fit she would throw.

Dragging in a lungful of smoke, he watched as the Volvo pulled into the parking lot across the street and the tall copper-haired man got out. He was gracious and moved like something out of a dream. It was the first thing Ben had noticed when Edward had made a pass at him. His grace. It was fascinating.

Ben missed him. He missed Edward terribly.

When the woman got out of the car, it was like Ben's stomach tilted, went off kilter and shrunk. Then tendrils of pain wheezed through his body. Like getting dumped wasn't enough, but getting dumped by a gay man in favor of a woman was a new low.

Inhaling another cloud of smoke, he watched as Edward wrapped his arm around Isabella's shoulder and tucked her into his side as they walked towards the office building. The woman just fit there, the curve of her body melting into Edward's seamlessly. He wanted to hate it and possibly hate her for tearing apart the relationship that Ben had worked to build, but he couldn't. Isabella hadn't done this on purpose, but that didn't mean that he wanted to be stuck in that bloody elevator with them again. He didn't want to acknowledge what Edward and Isabella were to each other.

It wasn't because he couldn't face them or that he was cowering in the corner like a wounded dog, but he simply couldn't be bothered with him anymore. Edward and Isabella needed their space now that he had made his choice, and frankly so did Ben. An elevator just didn't offer that. It was unfortunate that they worked in the same building, but so be it. They would inevitably run into each other on occasion, just not yet if Ben had anything to say about it.

Ten minutes later, Ben sat down behind his desk pulling out five files. He quickly went over them, while testing the feeling in his gut that he was making the right choice about the callbacks for the part of Gale. Over the years, he had learned to rely on his instincts when it came to his work.

Clearing his decision with Aro, Ben booked a gym for a physical test Monday morning. He wanted to see how the remaining men moved.

It was a relief to bury himself in his work. Ben loved his job and his ability was an anchor at the moment. He wasn't particular happy that it was the weekend. It frustrated him because he didn't need the time. The only productive thing he did was clean his bathroom, so for the rest of the weekend he slept or read through projects that Aro may or may not be assigned. In any case, that would leave Ben a foot ahead knowing the material already.

On Monday morning, Ben stood across the street from his office. He was smoking and waiting for Isabella and Edward to enter, so he could get to work. At ten, Ben was at the gym for the second part of casting process. He was the first to arrive, but it was mere seconds later that Connor stepped in the door breathing heavily.

"Hey," Connor said and smiled, a huge honest smile like his entire day just brightened. He hauled in a large breath, before exhaling slowly and controlled. He sat down and wiped his face on the black wristband with the trademark swoosh on it. "It's going to be hot one today.

"Hi. Yes, it is," Ben agreed, watching slightly engrossed as a fresh layer of sweat dewed on the blond's forehead. "Did you just run here?"

"Yeah. A little hard work never hurt anyone." Connor reached down, while untying his shoes and kicking them off.

"No, it most certainly didn't," Ben acquiesced and returned Connor's smile. For a moment, Ben couldn't look away. He was captivated by the different shades of iridescent blue nestled in the other man's eyes. Connor's mouth opened, but he didn't say anything. More like he wanted to, but couldn't get the words out. "Well, at least you're already warmed up," Ben filled in, killing the slightly awkward silence. He finally looked away and began eyeing the obstacle course that he had asked to be set up for the test.

Connor smirked, a small wicked twist of his lips. "Yeah, I'm ready to go." He paused. "I better stop looking like I'm trying to get ahead of the game," Connor countered.

Ben inclined his head. "Well, aren't you?"

"Always," Connor answered simply. However, Ben felt like there was some point he was missing by a mile.

As Ben watched in silence, it only took a few minutes before the field on contenders was narrowed down to three. Those would be hard to cut down to one. Liam, Connor and Laurent were all in excellent shape, agile and moved with grace. They wouldn't need too much instruction to fall into the character of Gale. Late in the afternoon, Ben made the cut and time was set for a final reading in the morning.

Repeating his morning ritual, Ben waited impatiently for Edward and Isabella to arrive. They were late today and so was he. He had the first reading in about five minutes. He was feeling antsy, debating with himself whether to stop this inane game and just deal with them. Ben used his foot to squash the cigarette bud.

As he was watching out for his nemesis, the ache in his chest seemed less intense today. Maybe, the road past this heartache wouldn't be as long and winding as he initially feared.

"Who are we stalking?" a deep voice asked.

Ben jumped, while clutching his chest. "Jeez, you scared me."

Connor smiled. "That wasn't even hard. You're a million miles away." The blond man popped a piece of gum in his mouth and chewed. "You okay?"

"Fine. Can I have one of those?" Ben asked, knowing his breath smelled like cigarettes. So far, Connor was forthcoming as a person. Yesterday, he had been chatting up the other actors, instead of having the steely concentrated face of someone fighting for the lead role. He was just casual and comfortable in his own skin.

"Sure." He slipped two pieces of Orbit into Ben's waiting palm. "So who are we stalking?"

Ben looked down, before quickly composing his face. It wasn't anybody's business that his love life was in ruins, because he got dumped for a woman and he was pining for a man that _he_ would never even want to have a relationship with again. He just needed the waters to settle and move on. He's been here before and he knew the routine.

"I just like the fresh air before I start my day," Ben lied.

"Yeah, me too," Connor agreed. "I better get going. I don't want to be late for my final reading." His smile was wide and cheeky. Ben shook his head amused just as he caught sight of the two people he was jumping through hoops to avoid. "I'll see you in a few," Connor said, before heading across the street.

"Sure," Ben added, while taking a handful of seconds to calm his speeding heart. After watching Edward one final time, Ben efficiently closed off his heart to him. Edward didn't exist to him anymore. Ben wouldn't let him control his life. He knew he had the power to stop wallowing and just move on. He had the instinct to survive, he always did, and that was probably the sole reason he was standing on his own two feet today.

ooOoo

"Are you off to see Bree?" Aro asked, when they passed each other in the hall.

"Yes," Ben answered, while pressing the button for the elevator. Every Wednesday, he left early. The day was special in a way that was profound to Ben. Spending Wednesday afternoon with Bree Tanner was his small attempt to stop the world from repeating itself. Helping Bree was how Ben tried to make up for the people who had hurt him. He wanted to break the cycle of bad parenting.

"Hi," Ben said cheerfully when he sat down next to small and frail girl with the long brown hair. She was already waiting for him.

"Good, you're here," she greeted sardonically. Bree narrowed her eyes at Ben, while her nose scrunched up with distaste. She had a temper and she was angry, that was easy to see even through the multiple layers of dark dramatic make-up. Ben checked his watch. It was one minute past four.

"I'm late. I'm sorry."

Bree snorted. "I don't care." Ben knew this face and the sentiment that followed very well. He had endlessly said, '_I don't care,' _like it was the theme song of his life. Every time he was disappointed, which was often, he would simply answer _'I don't care'_, though it was the farthest thing from the truth. '_I don't care'_ was a mantra for kids like Bree. It was their armor.

"I am very sorry I'm late, Bree. Please, forgive me." Ben knew it was paramount never to bullshit someone like the girl next to him. She barely trusted him, as it was, let alone anyone else. So if he wasn't completely honest, how was she supposed to trust him? He needed her trust and for her to have faith in him if he was supposed to help. He was her _Big Brother_ after all.

Her mother was a bit of a drunk and her father had never been in the picture, so that was the reason why she had been assigned a Big Brother. Someone, who peripherally could watch over her, should the school miss something. The reason for Ben to volunteer was the simple fact he was trying to pay his dues to society. He knew the heart and mind of a troubled teenager and he knew the scars because he wore them on his own body. He wanted to do for someone what no one had ever done for him.

A small smile curled lips and her eyes lit up. "It's okay." She shrugged.

Ben smiled in return. "Shall we get started?"

"Yes, we _shall_," she mocked him and rolled her eyes. Idly, she picked her math book out of her bag. Bree tilted her head into her hand. Her eyes were already disinterested and dejected. Ben hated that look. A girl, as young as his _Little Sister,_ shouldn't look so worn out already. She should be thirsty to learn and not give up like she had clearly already done.

After spending an hour going over her homework, Ben had explained percentages several times. "Now. Change 3/5 to a percentage," Ben said softly. Bree just stared stubbornly into the empty air, refusing to look at the question. For the past year that Ben had been tutoring her, this was a look that he had sadly gotten to know well. This happened every time she felt pigeonholed or challenged. "Just look at the question. That might help."

"It's not going to help," she sneered. "It's never going to help. I'm too stupid." She threw her pen across the desk, where it clattered to the floor. Patiently, Ben got up, walked over to the other side of the table and picked it up.

"You're not stupid," he said pointedly, as he sat down again and handed her the pen. He meant it. Bree wasn't stupid in any way, but she never had anyone to help her with her homework or someone to even support her, or help her hold her head high when something was difficult. No, she didn't have anyone who taught her how to behave, to be proud or confident, or helped her figure out how to calculate percentages. "Here's how I do it in my head. Now, take the denominator. In this case, it's five, and that makes up the whole hundred percent. If you divide a hundred by five, what do you get then?"

"Twenty," Bree muttered.

"That's right. Good work! Now, as the numerator is three, it is a portion of the five. Imagine you have five apples, they each cost twenty dollars-"

"Those are some fucking expensive apples," Bree interjected.

Ben snickered. "Point taken. Twenty cents, then, but please mind your language." Bree rolled her eyes, and Ben ignored her. "Now, if one apple costs twenty cents, how much will three apples cost?"

"Sixty?" she asked cautiously, but without missing a beat.

"Exactly. So, now that you established that three apples out of five costs sixty cents, and five is the whole, what is three out of five in percent?"

"Sixty percent?" she asked again.

"You don't need to state it as a question, when you already know the answer," Ben said softly. Her small, satisfied smile was all that Ben needed to see. "I think that is it for now." He paused, knowing why she was particularly hostile today. Behind it all, Bree was a sweet girl, but life was rough on her. "How are things at home?"

"Fine," Bree answered and averted her eyes that were cold now. She mainly focused on placing her books back in her bag. Though, Ben had learned to read right through the stone façade. He'd worn it for years himself.

"Do you have food?" He knew the answer by her glacial glare. He knew that the fridge at home was empty or merely stocked with alcohol to quench her mother's thirst and nothing proper to feed her daughter. Bree wasn't starving, but she was mainly just left alone to fend for herself a lot.

"My mom's on a bender at the moment, so what do you think?" Bree muttered.

Ben nodded, knowing her absentee mother had a habit of drinking herself into oblivion. "Come on, I'm starving. How does a burger sound?" Ben asked.

"_Fine._"

Ben wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Can we have a doggy bag?" he asked when the waiter of the small establishment was about to take his plate away. He finished his food, but Bree had no chance in hell finishing the huge serving she had ordered. He knew the reason. It secured her one more meal bringing the leftovers home. He knew all the tricks to make it look like everything was just peachy.

"I was just thinking. Are you busy Sunday?" Ben asked.

"Probably not," Bree answered, before pulling back when her plate was removed. During their meal, Ben had lured several smiles from her and her sullen mood had improved for the better.

"How about we go to the Melrose Trading Post?" Flea markets weren't usually his thing, but Bree had a knack for vintage bags and a love for just browsing through material goods, when her mind needed somewhere else to escape to. Besides, if her mother wasn't ready to kick the habit, like she always proclaimed after a bender, it would be another chance to make sure the girl was fed.

Bree's mother was complicated. When she was sober, she actually wasn't a bad parent. She made fairly reasonable decisions. She was kind, clean and took care of her daughter. It was when her depression took over and the hard alcohol went down like fizzy pop that she failed her mission in life. That was when Bree was left to fend for herself. She had to make sure that she had clothes to wear and food to eat, and deal with the emotional distress that there was no one to care for her.

Before reluctantly sending Bree on her way home carrying a bag stuffed with groceries, he reminded her to call him if things got to be too much. However, she never did. During the year that he had been her Big Brother, she had not once called him.

Going home, the problems with Edward and his love life seemed miniscule. Spending time with a fourteen-year old teenager always had a way of snapping things into perspective. Ben had survived the turmoil of his teenage years and he had lived to see that sometimes the grass was greener on the other side. More than anything, he wanted to show the fragile, but perseverant Bree that life could get better and could be what she made it. If that was what he was preaching, shouldn't he live by the rule too? So instead of focusing on the man he had been with, Ben decided to focus on the man he _wanted_ to be, as he lay in bed with an ironic smile on his face before he fell asleep

oooooOOOOooooo

**First chapter done, what is the verdict? You want more?**

**Let me hear what you think and thank you for your time.**


	2. First Step

**First step**

The sun was bearing down and the relentless sharp rays were piercing the eyes of Connor Hayes as he strolled through the Melrose Trading Post. The blond man shielded his face with his hand. Going with his sister, her husband and their daughter to the flea market didn't seem like the brightest idea right now, especially when his sister was boring a hole in his skull with all her questions.

"Keep your hat on, sweetheart," Lucy said, while carefully peeling her daughter's hands away as the child was ripping at the frilly sun hat. Connor's older sister looked back at him before continuing the original conversation. "I just don't understand why you won't just go out on a single date? I have plenty of friends that I can set you up with."

"Lucy, I don't want to date any of your friends." Connor sighed. He knew his sister very well and she was like a derailed freight train when she got started on his love life.

"A date wouldn't kill you. I could ask someone to lunch at Mom and Dad's and keep it casual," Lucy suggested. Connor rubbed his face frustrated. First of all, he wasn't dating anyone, but it wasn't because he was disinterested, just that things were complicated. "There has to be _one_ woman that you like."

_I don't want to date women_, Connor basically screamed in his head. His usually good mood plummeted as he stared into his beloved sister's blue eyes. He wanted so much to tell Lucy the truth, to just open up and be honest with her. "I'm just not interested in being tied down by anything right now, okay?" Connor lied smoothly. He was good at this game. He knew how to use his pawns to keep any suspicion away from himself.

"Who said anything about being tied down? I was talking about dating, not marriage."

"Says my sister, who got married at twenty years old." Gently, he pressed his sister aside and pushed the stroller forward moving through the crowded marketplace. Lucy was young when she settled down, but it hadn't been a surprise. She had been dating Jared since she was fifteen and they had pretty much been attached at the hip since the day they fell in love. Connor had been thirteen at the time and that was ten years ago. "It's not for me, Lucy."

"Oh, come on, Connor. You and I are too much alike. You don't want to be alone for the rest of your life anymore than I want to be without Jared. You haven't dated since high school. It's not normal."

"Lucy, leave your brother alone," Jared, interjected. "When he's ready, he'll let us meet someone he's interested in. Don't be so pushy." Lucy's husband flashed a charismatic smile when she grumbled. It won her over as usual and her face brightened with a smile.

Connor sent him an appreciative look, while pretending to be distracted by a stack of old vinyl. He hoped desperately that this would be the end of his sister's relentless prodding into his personal life. Lucy had no clue who he was deep down. It wasn't that Connor ever wanted to string his sister along. He had just never found the right way to tell her that women didn't exactly make him go giddy.

A small warm hand crept into his. "Look, Unkie Connie." Katie, his niece, pointed to a table several vendors' seats down. Connor looked to where the girl pointed trying to find out what captured the child's attention. It wasn't hard. Toys.

"You want to go have a look?" Connor squatted down next to the stroller as the girl nodded frantically. "Okay," he said, unfastening the harness. He settled the twenty-two pound girl on his arm. This way, he would very efficiently escape what was left of the discussion concerning his secret love life. Idly, he wondered how the hell his sister would react if she knew that he wasn't completely celibate like she clearly thought. He didn't dare draw a conclusion because he loved his family dearly and he had been biding his time for God knows how long. Perhaps, he would always be in the closet.

"Don't put her down, Connor," Lucy called after him in that annoying way that only a nervous mother would. Turning back, the blond man threw a mocking grin at her. He wasn't about to lose his precious little niece in the crowded marketplace. He wasn't that dumb.

"You like this one?" Connor asked as the little girl pointed to a white teddy with a princess costume.

"Yes," she squealed.

"You want Uncle to get that for you?" She threw her pudgy short arms around his neck, choking him with an enthusiastic hug. "Hang on, sweet bear," he said and put the girl down to get the money out of his pocket. The wrinkly old lady, who owned the small booth, took forever to stuff the teddy in a bag.

"Here you go, son." Connor handed over the money, while feeling excited to buy his niece something she really wanted. Basically, he was on a life mission and that was to spoil the toddler rotten every chance he got. Looking down, he realized there was no little girl pulling at his knees. Scanning the immediate area, he saw there was no Katie to be seen anywhere. No girl in a yellow dress with a pink frilly hat.

"Fuck!" he breathed when his heart suddenly threw itself into a wild panic. "Katie? Katie bear?" Frantically, he looked under the table and then at the next little store. Nothing. He whipped around in a circle, while searching in every direction. She was gone. A girl that small could be anywhere. What if someone took her? Covering his mouth with his hand, Connor realized that he fucking lost his niece.

After someone grabbed his arm, he spun around before seeing it was only the old wrinkly lady, who just sold him the teddy. She pointed passionately in a direction. There at the end of the aisle stood his little niece in her yellow dress with her sunhat in her hand. She was marveling at a teenage boy blowing soapy bubbles.

"Thank you, Jesus," Connor gushed. His pulse was pounding in his ears, overriding the chatter of the people on a Sunday stroll. Running at full sprint and barely missing a fat guy downing a Slushy, Connor took a huge calming breath when he crouched down next to Katie.

"Hey, tiny bear," he said wrapping his arm around her waist. Though his instinct was to yell at the girl for getting lost, he thought better of it. He was the one who screwed up. He was the one who put her down when his sister told him not to. Besides, she was having the time of her life letting the bubbles crash against her palm.

"Unkie Connie, bubbles."

"Yeah, bubbles. They're pretty," he agreed, while taking another slow cleansing breath to make his heart rate calm down again. Fucking hell. Hooking an arm around Katie, he hefted the child to his side. "Here, I got your teddy. Let's go find Mommy and Daddy."

"Momma bear. Momma bear," Katie trilled, as she ripped it from the bag and gave the bear a crushing hug.

Turning back, Connor's bad luck didn't ease up when smacked right into an unsuspecting girl, knocking her over.

"Watch it!" the girl spat, while sitting on her behind. She glowered at him from behind several layers of heavy and dark make-up.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't see you," he apologized and held out his hand, as he balanced Katie on his hip. Crowded markets were so not his thing and today was so not his day.

"Whatever!" she hissed.

"I really didn't mean any harm. Are you okay?" he asked, ignoring her hostile reproach as he hauled her up by one hand.

"I was on my ass, did I look okay?" Connor made a wry face, while hoping to reach some sort of stalemate with her teenage hormones. He had no experience handling those.

"Bree, the man apologized." The man's voice was soft and consolatory as he spoke. Connor would know that voice just about anywhere.

"Ben?" Connor asked and once more his heart was thumbing away in his chest. He had only met the dark haired man with the olive skin a handful of times, but he couldn't deny that he let his mind run a bit wild with a fantasy on occasion. The dark haired man with the captivating gentle voice was someone Connor had noticed and wanted to be noticed by.

"Connor, It's nice to see you again," Ben answered politely. Connor's face broke into a huge smile, perhaps a little too large for such a simple encounter.

"You two know each other?" The teenager asked.

"Yes," Connor answered.

"No," Ben replied at the same time.

"Uhm, not really," Connor amended, slightly embarrassed. He _wanted_ to get know Ben better, not that he did. He was about to set Katie down again, but quickly thought better of it. "So…" The blond swallowed tightly, fishing for something to say, yet drawing a complete blank.

Ben smiled softly. His brown eyes were so full of emotions that were hard to pinpoint. Had Connor known him better, he may have known what caused all of the feelings clearly swirling around in those big brown eyes, beautiful big brown eyes.

Lucy's nagging about dating suddenly came barreling into Connor's head. Was dating even an option? No, it wasn't. Besides, would Ben swing his way? Having watched the olive-skinned man from afar every second that he had the chance while auditioning, Connor had to admit it was plausible, but he wasn't certain.

"Oh, this is Bree. Bree, this is Connor." Ben smiled again, inadvertently drawing Connor's attention to his mouth. Hmm, that mouth was just so… kissable. "Say hello, Bree," Ben encouraged when the girl just crossed her arms across his chest, looking every bit the sullen teenager that she was.

"It's nice to meet you," Connor answered, knowing that wouldn't bring a smile on the girl's face, but he could try nonetheless. "This is Katie." He pinched her cheek and all his niece did was reciprocate by pinching Connor's cheek back. Ben laughed.

"Hi, Katie," he said cheerfully. "I didn't know you had a family?"

"She's not mine. She's my sister's. I'm just her uncle," Connor eagerly clarified. He didn't want Ben to make any assumptions, not when the blond was searching his head like mad about how to let him know that he may just be nursing a small crush. The dark haired man, his small appealing smile and big brown eyes fascinated him.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Bree asked tersely. Unwinding her arms, she started fiddling with a chunk of long hair. Giving the girl a closer look, he could see there was there was sadness tinged with unease about her. She looked troubled; she also looked like trouble.

Ben let out a small chuckle. "No, Bree. I know Connor through work."

The blond man suppressed his smile and internally thanked the teenager for her blunt question, because it answered one uncertainty that was playing around his head. Ben didn't disclose the possibility of being gay, merely that _they_ weren't an item. Now the next question was _did he have a boyfriend_? Another question, who was the girl? Connor tightened his arm around Katie, pondering how to prolong the conversation so he could find out more about this man.

God, this situation was growing complicated before there was even anything to stress about really. Connor was simply very curious. He wanted to know the man he had auditioned for three times, because the final call had taken place Friday and he hadn't been cast. He had no real reason to run into this man again. Even this encounter was a stroke of luck.

"Well, you have a nice Sunday," Ben offered, placing his hands on Bree's shoulders.

_No, no, no._

"You, too," Connor answered, before throwing in a bright smile as a nervous twitch. In the last desperate seconds before Ben was gone again, all Connor did was look down, succumbing to heavy and frantic beat of his heart. He watched Ben's back, as the olive skinned man walked away. He was chatting softly with the teenager, who was now able to conjure up a smile. Connor closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his life passing him by without him even living it. It didn't even seem fair.

Deep in his pocket, his phone buzzed. Checking the text, he was surprised to see it was from just about the last person he wanted to hear from - Drew.

"**I'm sorry. Make up sex?"**

Connor hit delete, not wanting to bother with his friend/lover or _whatever._

On this sunny Sunday afternoon at the Melrose Trading Post, Connor suddenly felt depressed. It wasn't something he was familiar with. Normally, he was just okay. He was always okay. His spirits were usually high, but watching someone that he was interested in dating walk away made him realize how much he was hiding from the outside world.

Finding his sister and her husband again, Connor quickly made up an excuse saying that he had to go, because he needed to prepare for another audition. It was a lie.

The windows of Connor's car were rolled down as he idly cruised through the parking lot. He was down at Santa Monica beach looking for the beat up old Golf with the horrendously faded paint job. Not far from his usual spot, Connor hit the jackpot. The beach was busy, so he ended up double-parking and not really caring that he would get a ticket.

Jessica Stanley was under the shower rinsing her board when Connor spotted her. He had known her for years, though they weren't really that close. However, they had several things in common. Both surfing and sexuality were a major part of their lives. Jess was just about the only person who knew about Connor and that was why he needed to see his friend. Two years ago in a fit of desperation, he had confided in her. He needed someone to talk to and Jess was a good listener… when she was quiet herself.

"Where's your board?" Jess asked immediately when she saw him. She stared at him like she was trying to figure out some sort of conundrum as to why Connor would possibly be at the beach sans board.

"At home," Connor answered quietly. He only knew Jess from the beach, but he truly enjoyed how easy-going she was. She knew him better than the closest members of his family.

"What? No snarky comment. You wound me, Hayes." She paused, before making a face. "You look like you could use a good strong drink."

Connor smirked. "You know I don't drink."

"I got you to smile though," she answered sweetly.

"True. You got a minute?"

"For you, always. What's up?" Quickly, she knotted her wet hair into a messy bun and hefted her surfboard under her arm. Connor followed her quietly back to her car. "You want to grab something to eat. I'm starving."

"Sure," Connor muttered while his mind was racing. His head felt heavy, especially since the run-in with Ben.

"Let me just get changed." Standing in between two cars, Jess quickly dried off and threw a shirt on, before wiggling her wet bikini top out through her sleeve. Connor stared at her, while thinking that he should be feeling something at the sight of her changing. Jess was a pretty girl. She had a nice wholesome shape and knowing, okay, seeing her nipples strain against her shirt when she wasn't wearing anything underneath should provoke a reaction, right?

Who was he kidding? No, it shouldn't… and it didn't.

"If you don't stop staring at my boobs, I'm going to smack you over the head. You're freaking me out with this emo shit, Connor."

"Sorry." Shaking his head, the blond man snapped out of it. This wasn't him. All he wanted was to talk and perhaps get some sage advice from a friend he had trusted with his secret. Jess threw on a pair of shorts and flip-flops, before they went across the street to a small deli.

"So, lay it on me, what happened?" Jess asked just before sinking her teeth into her chicken sandwich.

"Nothing in particular and everything," Connor sighed, as he dipped a French fry into the ketchup, before throwing it into his mouth. How could he explain what was racing though his mind without whining about it? He had built walls around his life, he had made all the decisions and he was in the driving seat. If he was dissatisfied, only he held the power to change it, but he didn't know how. "Maybe I'm just lonely."

"We all get lonely. Go out and get laid. It takes the edge off. That's what I do," Jess answered.

"See, that's the thing. It's not all that exciting," he countered. "I've been doing that and honestly, I can't really be bothered anymore. Maybe it would be nice to have some companionship for once."

Jess lowered her sandwich. "Are you saying you want something more?"

Connor shrugged. "Who doesn't? I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. So, yeah, if I met someone I liked, I'd take the chance. Well, now thinking about it, I would take the chance, but…" He left the sentence drift into silence.

Jess took his hand, while gravely looking into his eyes. "You're not ready to come out, are you?"

"Not even close," he snorted.

"Then don't force it. It's because of your family, right?" she asked and Connor nodded. "If you can live with it, lead a double life for a while. Go out, date, hook up, find a boyfriend and do whatever makes you feel good."

"I'm not sure that I can do that. I can't be with someone and then be completely dishonest with him. That's not who I am."

"You don't have to be dishonest. I've been there. I felt the stress of telling the world around me that I was gay. If you want my advice, when you start dating, tell the guy that you like your little closet, but you're interested in him. I assure you he'll understand and if he doesn't, he's an asshole and not worth your time."

"You make it sound so simple," Connor said, before biting off a piece of bread.

"I know," Jess laughed. "So who's on your mind?"

"Now why do you think there is someone on my mind?" He smirked. With Jess, it wasn't as easy to play this afternoon off as if it was nothing. She knew to look behind the smoke screen and call him out.

"Are you playing coy with me, Connor Hayes?" Jess batted her lashes. "It's obvious that someone is turning your head and it's okay. So when are you going to ask him out?" she asked enthusiastically. Connor stared at his friend like she was speaking pig Latin. "You're going to ask this mystery man out, right?"

Once more, it was crystal clear that Connor was living safely inside his cozy little closet and was never really seeing the outside world. Sure, in the safety of his cage, he had entertained the idea of asking Ben out, but acting on it was highly doubtful. "No."

"Why not?"

"I can't just do that. I hardly know him."

"Okay, maybe I totally missed the plot, but isn't that the point of dating? Getting to know someone?" Jess flashed a sassy smile. Connor groaned.

"Yes, but I have nothing to offer. A lifetime of hiding out, now there's an attractive quality," he muttered sardonically. He grabbed the last few French fries and tossed them in his mouth before pushing his empty plate away. He wasn't full by a long shot, but it would hold him for an hour or so.

"Connor, have you not been paying attention?" Jess protested. "Just because you're not ready to acknowledge your sexuality in public doesn't mean that you have to ignore it in private. Besides, any guy would be lucky to go out with you." She daintily put the last bit of sandwich in her mouth and chewed. "Besides, you're kind of hunky."

Connor snorted, while almost choking on a French fry. "Hunky? Oh, sweetheart, the only hunky thing you like is when the mechanic changes the oil on the old dingy car of yours and that's merely because it saves you the trouble."

Jess laughed. "True, but you did stare at my boobs earlier. I needed to get you back. Wait, I didn't get you back. I paid you a compliment. You should be grateful," she said sagaciously.

Connor sighed. "I am. Thank you for listening."

"Anytime. So, your mystery man, is he hot?"

Connor smirked. Was Ben hot? Well, personally Connor appreciated the masculine and horizontal line of Ben's shoulders, his lanky build and long neck. Ben was tall, maybe not matching his own six-two, but still tall and slim in a very appealing way. The thought of the olive skinned man's grandfather-inspired wardrobe that he pulled off to a tee, while making it look cool, had Connor smiling. Not to mention those endlessly deep brown eyes. "Yeah, Ben's pretty damn sexy," he answered, without even having gotten to the man's face and those very soft-looking and kissable lips.

"Ben," Jess mused. "Ben the hottie. I say go for it, Connor. Don't be so scared to live your life. Ask Ben out."

Connor sat back, before tilting his head against the brick wall. Perhaps, Jess was right. Maybe that was his problem, he was scared of living. That wasn't him at all. It never had been. Connor was a bit of daredevil. He took chances that not everyone else did, so why was he so hesitant to take a chance on love? He knew the answer – his family. They weren't going to approve once they learned that he was gay. However, right now, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. "Maybe I will ask him out," he murmured.

oooooOOOOooooo

**That's all folks… for now.**

**Thank you to my team of sweethearts. Chartwilightmom, Dazzled Eyes22 and AnnaLund. You're all too awesome.**

**What do you think? Do you like the boys?**

**I do *blushes***

**Laters**


	3. Unexpected

**Unexpected**

Ben leaned his head back against the headrest of the car seat. Darkness was slowly falling over the city. The day had been long and hot, but he had enjoyed himself. He rejoiced in the smiles on Bree's face, as well as her quick comebacks and snarky comments. They had spent the day at the Melrose Trading Post and had dinner on their way home. Ben was dropping Bree off at her apartment. Her mood had been fairly good, but every now and again her eyes would drift, and her expression would go blank. It was evident she momentarily checked out of her reality, and escaped to somewhere else.

"How's your mom?" Ben asked quietly, breaking into the lyrics of Sarah McLachlan singing _I will remember you_.

"The same," Bree answered curtly. Her hands went to fist around one of the leather straps of her newly acquired bag. Ben contemplated if he should push the subject or leave it alone for now. If Bree wanted to talk, he would always listen, but if she didn't what to share her feelings, getting information from her was going to be like pulling teeth. Besides, forcing someone to talk never really helped anyone. She had to be ready to open up. However, deep down, he wanted to make sure she was as okay as she could be given her situation.

"You know, I'm really jealous of that bag," Ben said, hoping to lighten Bree's obvious discomfort.

Bree threw him a snide smile. "You should have bought it for yourself, then."

Ben laughed. The leather was luxurious and definitely grade A. The craftsmanship was meticulous and perfectly executed, and the design was simple and functional. A guy could use that bag, a gay man definitely could.

The girl then shrugged. "I'm going to pay you back, though. I don't want to owe you."

"Pay me back with good grades and we're even," Ben answered. He was happy to pay for the bag and just leave it at that. He usually wasn't a big spender. He was pretty frugal, letting go of the reins only once in a while to indulge himself. He knew what it was like to have nothing and he wasn't going back there. Though, he wanted Bree to have that bag today. She loved it from the second she spotted it.

"Blah, blah, that's not real," she countered.

"Sure it is. That bag is the ticket to your future. Study hard, and pay me back with good grades. That way you can get into college, and get the job of your dreams. It's a simple equation."

"How philanthropic of you."

"Uh, have you been playing with your thesaurus?" Ben asked, keeping his tone light.

"I googled it," she admitted sheepishly. She picked her nails a bit, before her hand went to hover near the handle without pulling the lever. "I think he likes you."

Ben looked away from her hand, while pulling away from his depressing train of thought. Something was wrong because Bree was stalling. "Who?" he finally asked.

Bree rolled her eyes. "The guy who knocked me over. Connor, I think his name was?"

Taking a moment to gather his scattered thoughts, Ben blinked rapidly. "I'm sure he doesn't," he refused. The thought was actually rather preposterous. Connor was not gay. He was simply a nice man with a very nice smile.

"Will your boyfriend be jealous?" Bree asked.

"Jealous of what?" Ben asked in confusion.

"The fact that another guy likes you?" she asked innocently. Bree was small for her age, but showing signs of her impending puberty. Behind the armor of her make-up, her cheeks were still childishly round.

Ben sighed when pain lashed across his chest. He managed a small smile. "Connor doesn't like me. He's not gay, Bree. Besides, I don't have boyfriend anymore. We broke up," he answered honestly. Ben hadn't kept it a secret that he was gay or that he dated Edward. Well, he used to date Edward.

"Oh. Are you sad?" she asked as the song changed.

"A little."

"Well, I still say Connor likes you," Bree concluded.

Ben laughed, after trying to explain to his young friend that the blond man didn't bat for his team. It wasn't working, so he just let the topic go. Once again, he noticed that Bree was hesitant, as her hand merely stayed perched on the door.

"Are you okay?" Ben asked.

Bree sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Can I tell you something and you have to promise me not to tell my guidance counselor at school or anybody else?"

A shiver of a discomfort trickled down Ben's spine. "I wish I could promise you that, but if something happened to you then I would have to act. Though, I will always do what I can to help you."

She looked uncertain for a handful of seconds, clearly trying to figure out if she should trust him or not. Ben wished that she didn't doubt him, but he couldn't blame her for being suspicious. Her life had taught her nothing else. "Nothing is wrong really. I'm probably just being childish," she said, but Ben had a strong feeling that she wasn't overreacting at all. Bree was not a childish girl. The odds were stacked against her and that made a kid grow up way too fast.

"Tell me about it and we'll talk it through," he encouraged, realizing this was probably the first time she was going to trust him with something important, despite her uneasiness.

"Okay. When my mom came home last night… she wasn't alone," Bree said cautiously.

"Okay…" Ben prompted, being careful not to put the words into her mouth.

"I think it was around three in the morning when she got in. I never saw the guy, but I could… hear them," she murmured. Her face shifted color with crimson spreading over her cheeks. Ben didn't need any further explanation to what the girl had heard this morning. The thought was depressing and revolting. His mouth started to feel dry.

"Does she often bring men home?"

"No. I think she usually goes with them to avoid bringing them to our apartment. She was particularly hammered last night," she added with disdain.

"That's not an excuse," Ben answered quietly, while looking back at her earnestly. He swallowed on a dry throat. "Promise me something, Bree," he said solemnly. The girl stared wide-eyed at him. This was no joke. This was serious and she was a fourteen-year-old girl trapped in a life where she potentially could get hurt. So far, she managed to escape fairly unscathed, but an unpredictable future was breathing down her neck every single day and who knew what could happen with her mom dragging strange men into their home? "If she brings a man home again, you stay in your room and lock your door. If a man comes anywhere near your door, you call me. Day or night, you call me. Agreed?"

"Sure," she mouthed, almost indifferently, but the spark of fear in her eye betrayed her. Bree was worried and with good reason.

"I mean it. If any man ever makes you feel uncomfortable and comes near your room or you in general, you call me and I'll come and get you," Ben said. Inside, he was furious that Bree was caught in this situation. No child should suffer the consequences of a parent's bad decisions, but truth was it happened every day. So no matter what, he wanted to help Bree.

"Okay." A hint of relief and gratitude seeped into her small voice.

Suddenly, Ben understood her hesitation, her stalling, and the almost absurd conversation about Connor. She was worried that the man might not have left yet. "Do you want me to come up?"

Bree didn't answer, but only nodded.

Getting out of the car, Bree stood at the sidewalk, looking smaller than she actually was. Her shoulders were hunched; her body almost caving in on itself. Unexpectedly, she moved closer to Ben, but her arms hung limp and helpless by her side. She didn't do anything. She just stood there.

Ben couldn't help, but hug her. She looked as brittle as fine glass stretched thin. His heart broke for her as she stood there having to face her life by going into that apartment. Ben had met her mom on several occasions, but the only real interaction he had with the Tanner family was with the daughter.

"You can always talk to me or call me," Ben said quietly, as he held her. Bree leaned in and laid her cheek against his chest. Gingerly, she put her arms around his waist. This moment she seemed beyond exhausted. This was the first time he got a glimpse of the vulnerable side of the girl, who usually didn't even have a chink in her armor.

"You're like my only friend," she whispered.

The sentiment depressed Ben, but excited at the same time. It was nice to be so important to someone. However, a fourteen-year-old girl should have tons of friends, sleepovers and discuss school dances with her peers. Ben wondered if on days like today, taking Bree out surpassed his duties as a Big Brother. In his gut, he knew it did, because he didn't need to feed her or take her to the market. He could stick to tutoring, but personally that wasn't good enough for him. How could he not feed a child he knew was starving when he understood how a hollow stomach felt? Besides, he cared for her and worried about her like a friend or a _real_ big brother would.

"I think you're unbreakable," she murmured.

Ben snickered. "Hardly." He wasn't unbreakable, not by a long shot, but he had just been where she was at the moment. "It's not about being unbreakable, but about knowledge and the lessons I've learned. Are you ready?" he asked when he let go of her. She managed a small smile, before heading for the front door saying nothing.

Inside her apartment, Ben wasn't presented with the scene he had expected. There was no man, no liquor bottles scattered over the floor, and no stale stench of a drunken woman sleeping it off. The windows were open and the place was fairly tidy.

Ben met the eyes of the woman he did his best not to despise. Bree's mother sat on the couch. Her hair was damp and her clothes were clean. She looked well, and not like someone who had been drinking her breakfast, lunch and dinner for the better part of a week. However, what gave her away was the way her eyes were riddled with guilt. She knew what she had done was unforgivable.

"Mom?" Bree called carefully.

"Did you have a good day?" The mother enthusiastically asked.

"Yes," Bree beamed. "I got this awesome new bag. Ben gave it to me. Isn't it great?"

"Uh, it's nice," her mother appraised, while putting an arm around her daughter.

Ben held his smile in place, because he hadn't forgotten the shattered girl he almost had to put back together with superglue two minutes ago. Now, Bree was ready to forgive and forget so easily that her mother had been gone and that she had given into this month's alcohol induced stupor. He felt sick to his stomach, but he was not going to rain on Bree's parade by telling the girl that her mother didn't deserve her love.

This was their cycle. Things were good, perhaps for a few weeks, and then the mother would go off the deep end, and end up at the bottom of a bottle. When she sobered up, she would promise her daughter that it would never happen again… until next month.

"I thought we could watch some DVDs?" her mother innocently suggested, like that would make everything all right. However, it was out of Ben's hands. For now, Bree was clearly elated her mom was taking an interest once more. As he watched them together, Ben knew that he would always be there for her when things went sour again.

"I'll see you Wednesday, Bree," Ben said, while getting ready to make his exit.

"Today was awesome. See you," Bree said with a big smile on her face. She quickly returned her attention back to her mom. "Can we watch Harry Potter?"

"Anything you want, pumpkin."

That was the last of the conversation that Ben heard before he closed the door. Driving home, he was glad Bree was safe and home with her mom, but he couldn't help but wonder how long the picture perfect family would last this time.

It was Monday morning and Ben was back at work. He pondered if he should indulge himself in some time off. Perhaps, go away for a few days. He could just leave it all behind and go see Anna. It would be nice to have a change of scenery for once, or perhaps he could take the time and make life about himself for a while.

For once, the day was slow. Most of the call backs and rejections had been handled on Friday, so that left Ben with the chance to clean up his desk. It was cluttered with papers and files, and emails had been piling up. Ben liked order, not this chaos that made it impossible to see his desk.

All of a sudden, the door to Ben's office slammed closed. Connor stood with his back almost glued to the wall. Ben's eyes widened in surprise. Suddenly, the blond was awfully busy studying his shoes.

"What are you doing here, Connor?" Ben asked in confusion.

Connor peeked up, just to lower his gaze again.

Ben sighed, knowing the situation all too well. The blond man had gotten his feelings hurt and wanted an answer as to why, though he hadn't said anything yesterday. Then, he hadn't even seemed to care that the part was assigned elsewhere. "Listen, it was a tough call. Liam was just a better match for Gale," Ben ranted off without really giving out any specifics.

Connor glanced up again with his lips quirking at the corners. "Uh, that's not why I'm here." Ben noticed a reddish color start to spread on the other man's neck.

"Then why are you here?" He asked mystified.

Ben watched Connor take several deep breaths, which was unusual for him. Not once during auditioning had Connor seemed nervous. Normally, he was as smooth and steady as a rock. "I've never done this before, so I'm going out on a limb here. Would you go out with me? Hang out or whatever?" For the first time in minutes, Connor was able to hold Ben's surprised stare.

"Are you asking me out?" Ben blurted out stunned. Sure, while reading and studying Connor, the man had struck a nerve with him, but he had summed that up to being the blond man getting into character, not that he was trying to convey some sort of message. He hadn't even listed him as gay. He even told Bree that.

"I'm trying to… though not really managing to be very elegant about it."

Ben thought for a moment and then he narrowed his eyes at the blond man, who was still looking adorably cute at being so out of place. "Why?"

Connor's eyes clearly showed his confusion. "Why not?"

"It just strikes me as odd, considering you were just turned down for a part and you know very well who chose between the last three of you," Ben answered carefully, hoping not to offend him.

"I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be pissed off at that statement or sorry that I gave you that impression."

As Connor paused, Ben quickly interjected. "Okay, aside from the part, then why?" Ben was feeling a little lost in their conversation. Normally, he kept his eyes open if someone interested him, but this last week, he had done nothing but bury his head in the sand and ignore the world around him while he was busy licking his wounds.

Connor's blue eyes were large and intrigued, as he was slowly looking like he was gaining confidence. "Well, even though I've only gotten to know you a little, I know for a fact there aren't that many people like you. I want to go out with you because frankly, you fascinate me."

Ben smiled a little. "Thank you for those kind words, but I think I'm going to have to say no."

"Oh," Connor looked down again, while chewing the inside of his cheek. "Then it's my turn to ask why?"

Ben sighed, not really a fan of the situation getting personal and difficult. "Er… you're not really my type."

"What's your type?"

Ben threw the first thing that he thought of at him, so he could to avoid digging deeper into his inner turmoil and dragging out how much he was hurting on the inside. "I'm not into blonds and your hair is too short." _That_ had to be the lamest excuse he ever given. Inwardly, he cringed.

Connor's mouth popped open and then he cocked a brow. He didn't look like he was offended by that half-assed comment. Instead, he looked more intrigued. "Hair can be dyed and it grows. What's your real reason?"

Now, it was Ben's turn to study his fingers and fidget. A moment passed, then another and one more. "I just got out of a relationship and I'm not looking to be with anyone for a while."

Connor nodded and smiled. "That's a real reason. I'm sorry to hear that… let me be your rebound guy," he deadpanned.

Now, it was Ben's brows that shot skyward. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I want to get to know you, so I'll take my chances. I'll ask again. Will you go out with me?" Right now, he was the confident man that had been through three rounds of auditions without even breaking a sweat. Ben admired that kind of confidence. Besides, he had shown Connor his hand, so who was he to judge what the other man could handle?

"Okay."

"Yeah?" Connor grinned in surprise.

"Yeah." Ben sighed because he was not sure if it was the best idea after all. He was an emotional wreck. He knew he needed to call Anna as soon as he got the chance.

"Uhm, there's just one problem though." Connor hesitated, while swallowing tightly. "I'm not out of the closet in any way."

Ben gaped. Suddenly, he felt like he was standing in the middle of a crowd, completely missing the point of some obvious joke. Then he exploded with a boisterous laugh, only to realize that what Connor just said was no joke at all. That was when things got uncomfortable. This was going to be complicated from the get-go and had warning signs all over the place. He really wasn't ready for this. Having set up a time and place, Connor exited his office with a strange and kind of awkward smile on his face.

Minutes ticked by as Ben stared into the empty air, when suddenly a thought hit him like a sledgehammer. Bree was right. She had been right last night when she assumed that Connor was gay and that he liked him. Great, now he was being outsmarted by a fourteen-year-old girl. Well, a very smart fourteen-year-old girl.

Still caught in his stupor, he fumbled with his phone finding Anna's number. Before he called, he quickly checked the time zones. No, she wouldn't have gone to bed yet. Well, she shouldn't have. It was 8 PM in Italy. Her answer was practically immediate.

"Hey, darling," Ben greeted, while he tried to sort out what just happened.

"Hi! What's up, baby?" Her tone was cheerful, yet layered with concern. It was so Anna. "You okay?"

Ben, who was still a bit slack-jawed, started to explain. "Strange things are happening, very strange things," he mused.

"Oh, I like the sound of that! Spill!" Anna, ever the enthusiast, quipped.

"I think I just got asked out today. It was weird. I didn't see that one coming for a mile."

"Happy dancing here! Who? Where? How?" As she spewed one inquiry after another, she didn't wait for one question to be answered before another was asked.

"Uhm, well, it's more like cute, hot and hunky." Ben pondered for a moment, while running the conversation with Connor over in his head and that last piece of information. He wasn't out. "This is such a recipe for disaster."

"No, it isn't," Anna protested. Ben could just see how her face scrunched up. It always did that when she objected to something.

"The last time we talked, you told me not to go for _such a fucking pretty face_."

"When the fuck did you ever listen to me, baby? Besides, you need a good boy holding you real tight for a week… or six."

Ben laughed nervously, not sure what the right approach to this specific situation was. "Well, I'm not exactly sure what to do here. I mean, I'm honestly not over Edward, so do I just say yes and pretend that everything is just fine and dandy or what?"

"No, you don't pretend anything. Say yes and just sit back and enjoy the feeling he emanates. Relax and be happy that you're attracted to someone. Don't deny it, Ben, because I can hear it in your voice. Enjoy."

"I'm not sure what I feel." Ben sighed, while leaning his head into his hand. Connor was exactly the kind of _fucking pretty face_ he'd been with in the past and had been left by. The blond man simply had a face to die for. "I just don't want to be torn apart again. I'm just getting back on my feet."

"I know," Anna said sympathetically. "But, honey, you deserve some sweet times, especially now. Lay all your cards on the table and let him know what's happening. What's his name?"

"Connor," Ben answered and a small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

"Okay. Let Connor know you're a bit broken right now and let him decide if he wants to take a chance."

"I already did that," Ben deadpanned, while seeing in his mind how that hardly discouraged Connor.

"You're one of the good guys, Ben. He'll love you."

"Yeah, hell, what's not to love?" Ben murmured and rolled his eyes. If he had to list all the things that he would change about himself, the day hardly seemed long enough.

"Hey, don't do that," Anna admonished. "You're very lovable, all of you."

Ben smiled into the desk. The way she could lift his spirits was ridiculous. If he had a shot of _'Anna'_ ready in a syringe, then he wouldn't have to call halfway around the world and whine to his best friend. "Thanks, sweets. I better go or I'll probably make you burn dinner. I don't want to be responsible for that."

Anna laughed loudly. "No, we can't have that. Okay, let me know how it goes!"

"I will. Promise. Kiss your hubs from me," Ben playfully added. Anna snickered.

"He says hi and thank you for not calling at 5 AM."

"He's welcome," Ben snidely added before hanging up. Now, all he had to do was figure out if he should listen to Anna or cancel the date. For minutes, he contemplated, but in reality, whom was he kidding? Anna was always right.

oooooOOOOooooo

Connor was on the hunt. His smile was so huge that it threatened to relocate his ears to the back of his skull as he searched the beach for Jess. She was nowhere to be seen, and after about an hour, he remembered that it was Monday and most people would be working.

Vaguely, he remembered Jess telling him she worked for Jefferson's Copy Data and Services. All he knew was he needed to give that girl one hell of a hug for encouraging him to get the cojones to ask Ben out. Pulling up in front of the Jefferson's building, he quickly spotted her dingy car. Going into the store, he went right up to Jessica with that ridiculous grin still plastered on his face.

Her eyes widened as she stepped around the counter. "What is wrong with you today, and why do you look like a clown on speed?" She giggled.

Connor swiftly looked around, while checking that no one would hear. "I did it. I fucking did it. I asked him out and he said yes."

Jess let out a strange squeal that morphed into yet another snicker, then she quirked a brow. "Do I have to do an, _I told you so dance_?"

"You can do whatever you want. I just wanted to thank you." Connor grasped her face, and without thinking, he smacked a grateful kiss right on her mouth. As he laughed, Jessica stared then she slowly wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"I get that you're psyched, but please keep the exchanging of body fluids to a minimum." For a second, he worried that she was mad. He hadn't meant anything, but _thank you_ with the gesture, much the same way that he used to kiss his mother when he was a kid.

"Sorry," Connor murmured bashfully.

"No worries," Jess waved him off with her hand. "Tell me everything. How did it go? Were you _smooth_?" she teasingly asked.

Connor coughed and then chuckled. "No. I was pretty much a fool, but who cares. I got myself a date with Ben the Hottie."

"That's the spirit, Hayes," Jess encouraged.

To say that Connor was elated would be the understatement of the year. He almost felt invincible. This was the first time that he actively took the initiative to go after something important to him. Now, he was in the driving seat and it wasn't just his life pulling him along, while he was adjusting to his day as best he could and doing everything in his power to hide his secret. No, he put himself out there. He took a risk and exposed who he was on the inside. He'd never felt so vulnerable or so ecstatic.

oooooOOOOooooo

**So what do you think? You want more?**

**Thanks to my girls, Chartwilightmom, Dazzled Eyes2s2 and AnnaLund. You're all so awesome and I forever grateful for your help.**


	4. First Date

**First date**

Ben had at least a hundred excuses ready for why he needed to leave early, because frankly he couldn't exactly recall why he accepted the date in the first place. Though he trusted Anna, there was no logical reason to start dating again so soon. Sure, Connor was pleasing to the eye, but honestly he would never be anything more than that. Besides, he failed to see why Connor was fascinated with him. Ben had his mind set that this was going to quick and painless, because he knew with absolute certainty that he was not in the right frame of mind to meet someone new, no matter what Anna said.

Ben lingered around the corner, enjoying a quick smoke before he went in. Normally, he would never smoke just before meeting someone, because he didn't want to reek of tobacco, but today he didn't really care. Perhaps that made him an ass, but so be it.

"Hi." Connor caught Ben as he stood, scanning the crowd for the blond man with the big charismatic smile.

"Hi," he answered awkwardly. What if they had nothing to talk about? They hardly seemed like the same types. Ben had noticed that Connor was dressed casual in jeans and a t-shirt, whereas he favored perfectly ironed button-downs, cardigans or sweater vests and dress pants with creases. He didn't wear sneakers or any other type of casual footwear, yet Connor apparently didn't wear anything else.

This Thursday afternoon, the coffee house was barely half full. Mostly, it was patrons just coming in and picking up an order only to leave again.

Connor took a deep breath, looking just as anxious as the day he had asked Ben out. "What do you want?" he asked. He shoved his hands in his back pockets, probably just needing somewhere to stow them.

"Uhm, just coffee. Black, please." Ben wasn't really into the whole, macchiato-double-shot-soymilk-hold-the-foam-extra-cinnamon deal. He liked coffee that was just coffee. "I'll get us a table," he offered, not that it was going to be a challenge with all the empty seats. He went to the back of the establishment where two fairly secluded booths were located. It wasn't because he was embarrassed. It was more that Connor had already shared one vital piece of information. He was still safely locked away in the closet and Ben was not, so the fewer people saw them, the better. Well, for now. It was no secret that Ben was into men and people might make assumptions based on that fact.

"One black coffee," Connor said, before taking a seat a few minutes later. He set a mug down for himself and started pouring an obscene amount of sugar into the black liquid.

"You want some more coffee with that sugar?" Ben offered. There had to be just about enough sweetness in there to kill a small horse.

Connor smiled, while giving a slight shrug with his shoulders. "I'm not really much of a coffee drinker, but I figured that hot chocolate is for kids and tea is for women."

"I like tea," Ben countered and couldn't help his smirk.

Connor chuckled, while dragging a spoon though the muddy mixture of sugar and coffee. "Yeah, me too."

Ben bit the inside of his cheek to suppress his smile. At least, Connor was honest. It was quiet for a while, and the tension was mounting before Connor cleared his throat. "So, Ben, I already played my hand and not very elegantly, I admit, but I'm dying to know what is going on with you and why you are lurking in front of your office building every morning?"

"You're direct," he commented as his heart suddenly constricted. He didn't mean to sound snappy, but that was too late now. Though he mentally closed the door on Edward, his heart was still playing catch up.

"Yeah, I tend to lack a filter. Besides, I've been told that I have tendency to call a spade a spade a little too often. Sorry, but I guess you're warned now."

"Yes, you did." Ben paused, before considering whether to get into the nitty-gritty or be evasive. On one side, he wasn't really in the mood to be flirty. He didn't feel the need to ramp up his own stock to seem attractive. He was on the mend, and not really looking for anyone, so what was there to lose? "The guy I was seeing works in the building. That's why I'm hiding out. I have an issue with elevators and him." That was an understatement. More than once, he had been subjected to the suffocating confines of what mostly felt like matchbox, while having to endure watching Edward and Isabella.

"Sounds… intriguing." Connor raised a brow, clearly reading into this the wrong way.

"I wish it was like that, but sadly, it's not. I've just had a series of not so pleasant run-ins with him."

Connor didn't look affronted at all. "Ouch. What's his name?"

"Edward." Ben sighed. It kind of felt good to talk about it, even if he didn't know Connor very well. People said all the time that keeping pain inside always made it worse. Ben knew they were right. However, it was easy to say, but it was very different when you felt the pain all the way into your bones.

"Well, I'll tell you what. Edward lost out, but I'm honestly not very sad about it, because if he hadn't, then I wouldn't even have a shot with you."

Ben took a swig of his coffee mainly to hide his smile. Despite his dreary mood, he felt flattered, but that was enough about him. He didn't really feel like dishing out any more details about his desolate private life. "Besides acting, what do you do?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Anything I can to keep myself afloat. I have a few private clients where I work as a personal trainer. It pays okay and it's easy to manage around auditions and when I actually do get cast," Connor answered.

Ben chewed the inside of his cheek. In the back of his mind, he still had a gnawing suspicion that this date was linked to the fact that Ben hadn't cast Connor for the part of Gale. Ben chose not to comment at all.

"So you're into sports?" Ben asked to move the conversation away from the audition. Besides, Ben had seen Connor at the gym and the way he moved. Admittedly, his body was a thing of beauty and it was pretty obvious that he wasn't a stranger to exercise.

"Uh huh. I've always been a jock. It runs in the family and I've kind of always been good at it. I've played football, basketball, and baseball. You name it. Next to that, I surf. You play anything?"

Ben shook his head. "No. I was never really into team sports, or any type of sports at all. It hasn't been something that I had time to devote myself too." No, his past had been far more primordial than that. His teenage years had been about survival, not having fun.

"Why not?" Connor asked with interest.

"Wasn't my thing," he lied. However, had he had the time, opportunity and support, the situation might have been different, then again maybe not.

"So if I dragged you to the park Wednesday night to a game of touch football-"

"I'd be glad to sit on the sideline and watch," Ben interjected, while trying to rein in his smirk.

Connor laughed. "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"Pretty much," Ben teased. "You play touch football on Wednesday nights?"

"Yep. There are about fifty guys of us, who graduated high school years ago. We meet up to play a friendly game. It's very casual, so we usually manage about thirty guys each Wednesday and play for a couple of hours. Some bring their wives, girlfriends or kids and have picnics. It's fun."

"I could imagine," Ben conceded. His curiosity was suddenly peaked. "The guys you play with, do any of them know about you?"

Connor pressed his lips together. "Nope."

"Does anybody know?"

"I have a few… acquaintances that know, but that's pretty much it."

"What about family? Any brothers or sisters, or maybe a really good friend?" Ben asked.

"I have an older sister, Lucy, but she doesn't know. Neither do my parents. I don't really have a best friend or someone that I'm close enough with to tell. I have one surf buddy who knows, and that it's pretty much a well kept secret."

"That must be lonely," Ben blurted before he could catch himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" He stopped when Connor brushed him off with a casual gesture of his hand.

"It's fine. I don't mind living on the down-low. It's how I've always done it, but to answer your question, it does get lonely from time to time. It's also the reason why I never asked anyone out, well, besides that catastrophic attempt from the other day that I'm sure you remember."

Ben smiled. He did remember, very well in fact. It would be hard to forget that very young and boyish charm. "Well, I'm honored, and you weren't that bad, a bit rusty, but not bad. I thought it took guts."

"Thanks," Connor answered wryly, turning the cup around between his hands - his large and rather nice looking hands. The nails were trimmed short, not choppy or gnawed down to bits. There were no bruises or scarring that suggested knuckles had met objects or faces in a fit of fury. No, his hands looked strong, like a safe and warm haven. Ben saw large palms that were built for reassurance and a place where you could hide, seek comfort and _be_ comforted.

"Have you ever considered telling your family?" Ben asked pulling his head away from his mounting fascination with Connor's hands. Slowly, he took another swig of his coffee.

"Oh sure, many times," Connor answered, but his tone was highly sardonic.

"So, why don't you?" Ben asked. He didn't want to seem daring, because he knew the consequences of coming out very well, too well for comfort really. He was just overtly curious why Connor hadn't.

"I come from a very tightly knit family. I've always had my parents' support, their love and encouragement. My sister is pretty awesome, too. I was raised to believe in family and that you do everything in your power to take care of that family," Connor explained.

"That sounds pretty picture perfect, then what's the problem?"

Connor chuckled humorlessly, his blue eyes developing a sudden chilling gaze. "Do the names Peter and Charlotte Hayes ring any bells?"

Ben was confused for a moment. Where was this going? "I'm pretty sure most people in California know the Governor and his wife." Connor tilted his head to the side like Ben was completely missing the point. Ben thought for a moment. Connor Hayes… "Wait, is the Governor your uncle or something?"

There was that humorless chuckle again. "Close, but not close enough."

Ben gaped when his jaw went completely slack. "Peter Hayes, the Governor, is your father?"

"Yup," Connor deadpanned.

"How come I didn't know about this?" Ben asked befuddled.

"Well, I pretty much do everything I can to stay out of the public eye. My sister does, too. We hate the media, and I seriously have things in my life that I'm not ready to be publicly known," Connor said. This was mostly said as a warning. Ben knew that, but he didn't need it. Now, he was really glad that he chose a booth in the back.

The tensions suddenly seemed a bit thick, like dragging your body through layers of mud. "I understand," Ben's answer was sincere. This was no joke.

"If your family knew about your sexuality, what would they do?" he asked carefully having a sneaky suspicion that he already had the answer. The term '_been there, done that'_ was rattling around in his head.

"I honestly don't know. My father is pretty high up on food chain of the Republican Party. He doesn't condone same sex marriages or even homosexual relationships. He keeps it low on his list of pet peeves because this is California, but personally…" Connor trailed off. His huge smile was suddenly nowhere to be seen and his eyes were unguarded and raw. Perhaps, this was one of the situations where he lacked a filter.

"I see. Would it make you feel better if I told you I understand where you come from?" Ben really did. He knew the ache and loneliness that followed when your family turned your their backs on you.

The blond man's smile was warm and kind. "Yeah. I take it that your parents aren't too pleased about their little boy liking other boys?"

"Let's just sum it up to the fact that I stopped being anybody's little boy, let alone son," Ben answered.

"They disowned you?" Connor asked astonished. His eyes narrowed slightly as their gazes stayed locked.

"Yes. Well, it was my father's decision, and my mother never did stand up to him." Ben explained. To this day, the helpless expression on his mother's face still haunted him. In some ways, he hated that look. She was supposed to protect him, and yet she stood there looking like the choice was out of her hands. In many ways, he despised his mother for her weakness, but deep in his gut, he also understood her. She had no confidence, never did, whereas his father was strong, loud and above all, had a presence that could make grown men cry. His parents weren't equals. No, his father was superior to the fragile woman that was his mom and his father's wife and his father never hid the fact that he knew.

"Do you ever see them?" Connor asked.

Ben shook his head and emptied his coffee. "No. I haven't been home for eleven years now. Besides, they live in New York and I live here. It's not like it's around the corner."

"No, it's not." Connor agreed, seeming slightly distracted. "If that was eleven years ago, either you are older than I think you are, or you were young when you came out?"

Ben sighed heavily. His past wasn't something he enjoyed talking about, like a story you eagerly told over a cozy dinner, but he did nothing to hide where he came from either. Ben knew that the way he was molded wasn't a product of his parents' skill raising their son, but a product of the streets he had lived in. "I was fifteen years old when my father kicked me out of his house. From that time, I was out on my own and surviving the best that I could."

Connor reached across the table and placed his hand over Ben's. The touch wasn't unwelcome, but sparks weren't flying everywhere either. It simply felt very comforting, safe and above all, warm, just like he suspected when studying Connor's hands. "You know, if I ever had a son, I could never do anything as despicable as that. I would never kick him out just because he makes choices that I didn't agree with. I mean what kind of role model is that? To cast someone aside, just because it may not fit into your little fairytale. What an ass!"

Ben laughed. "I couldn't agree with you more. I'm sorry if my story doesn't make it any easier on you."

Connor took his hand back and waved him off again. "It's not about me. I just need to grow the balls that you clearly had when you were fifteen."

Ben laughed, just glad the mood didn't seem to plummet below zero degrees. "I guess we all have our stories to tell and our bridges to cross. It's what makes life interesting, though sad and tough at times."

"I'll drink to that." Connor held up his mug, while taking a slug. "Yikes, this is nasty and cold."

Ben smirked. "How about we skip the coffee and have some tea?"

Connor laughed loudly. "Yeah, let's do that." Ben stood going to the counter to order a fresh round of drinks. His mind was flooding with questions for Connor. He had barely sat down before the conversation continued.

"I'm dying of curiosity here and just to know where I stand. Do the paparazzi follow you around? Do you need to be careful all the time?"

Connor gave him a dubious look. "This is L.A. There's a photographer around every corner. On occasion, they will with print some ludicrous story about me or my sister, but I'm usually very careful when it comes to my _very _private life."

"So what's this then?" Ben gestured between them.

"This could be two buddies out having a cup coffee… or tea, as well as it could be two men having a coffee date getting to know each other. Besides, I've been told I'm not easy to pin as a gay man."

"You're not," Ben agreed immediately. Bree figuring out that Connor was gay before he had was still a thorn in his eye. "I didn't."

"So you see, as long as I'm just going about my daily business, I'm a pretty boring guy and the press leaves me alone. You don't have to worry, Ben. I'm used to this." Connor cracked a smug smile, like fooling the entire world around him was a fun little game. Though, it probably wasn't a game when it came down to the wire, and people would get hurt in the end.

"Good to know."

"Now tell me about you and growing up." Connor leaned slightly across the table, looking intrigued.

Ben looked down for a moment. "I really don't want to drag you through that depressing story."

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. Though, I have to ask, why not? I would love to hear about it," the blond man encouraged.

Ben sighed. "It really is depressing, but I don't mind talking about it. I'm not ashamed of my past." Ben shrugged and then started a long monologue about how he was kicked out at the age of fifteen to fend for himself on the streets. He didn't have any siblings. There was nobody to hold a hand over him or shield him on the rainy days. He didn't have an uncle or an aunt to take him in, when he was starving. As long as he was in high school, he did everything that he could to graduate as soon as possible, hoping he could get some kind of job, just anything to make money and feed himself. He had scoured the trashcans, until he slowly learned to make a round each night knowing exactly what baker had thrown away bread that hadn't been sold or what restaurant had discarded food from the fridge. In the winter, he used shelters where at least someone would be there to protect him, and he could avoid getting robbed, raped or being swallowed up by gangs. So where Connor was alone with his secret, Ben could relate because he had been alone in life, so very alone. There were times when he needed someone to just tell him that everything would eventually be okay.

Connor listened enraptured as Ben explained how one day he was at the right place at the right time. He landed a job that enabled him to feed himself and more so. With the money that he made from catalog modeling, he was able to get a place to live and pay for college. He got to major in film and minor in psychology. It enabled him to make a life for himself.

"I moved out here four years ago when I finished college and started working for Aro. I knew L.A. would offer me the choices I wanted in the film industry. Besides, I was sick of New York, and how it always reminded me of how hard life could be. I was done with the city, at least back then."

Connor had finished his tea and picked a napkin to pieces as Ben had talked for what seemed like an eternity. "This is another version of the American dream."

"Dream?" Ben snorted. "It felt more like a nightmare when I went through it." Internally, Ben was thrilled with Connor's answer and that he wasn't getting on the pity party wagon that just loved to flesh out how _sorry_ they were for his rough teenage years and how _sorry_ they were that no one had helped him. Ben didn't need pity. He just needed to move on. Over the years, he had learned to take care of himself. He was very capable of pushing his life forward and it certainly wasn't pity that had gotten him to where he was now.

Connor sat back in his seat and thought for a moment. "The teenager, Bree? Where does she fit into all of this?"

"I tutor her. I help her with her homework and other stuff. She's going through a rough patch, so I'm just trying to help her out," Ben answered. Connor was silent, but it wasn't an indifferent silence. As their gazes locked, Ben knew that the blond man understood his reasoning, need to help Bree and what motivated him. Connor didn't need to say anything. It was clear from the look that words weren't necessary.

Connor leaned forward, bracing his elbows on the table. "You know what, you need to have some fun."

"You look like the man who has a plan for that," Ben deadpanned, when the blue eyes he was staring into turned assertive, excited, basically boyish and full of mischief.

Connor widened his eyes and the broad smile that Ben had seen a few times now curled his mouth upward. "I do. Are you free Saturday?"

"Possibly," Ben answered coyly.

"All day?"

"Possibly. If you tell me what you're planning."

"Not a chance, but I will ask you one thing. Are you afraid of heights?"

Ben narrowed his eyes. "Not as such, but if it gets high enough my knees may tremble a bit." He paused, feeling himself fall for the ruse. "You're really not going to tell me, are you?"

"Just trust me, okay? I want to show you something, something I get a kick out of,"

"Sounds intriguing."

"Then tell me that you're free Saturday," the blond challenged, while cocking a brow.

"I don't have any other plans," Ben acquiesced.

"Good, I'll pick you up at ten." Ben ran his hand through his hair feeling a bit railroaded. That was when Connor suddenly dropped his jaw. "Fuck, is that the time?" He grasped Ben wrist and stared at his watch. It was just past seven. Ben momentarily wondered where the past two hours had gone. "I'm really sorry, but I need to go. I have dinner with the family and my mom hates when I'm late. She seriously makes me feel like I'm eight years old and broke curfew." Connor stood and Ben followed. The blond man hesitated for a moment like he was evaluating the entire situation.

Ben frowned. "Just how late are you?"

"Well, I was supposed to be at my parents' place about fifteen minutes ago."

Ben laughed taking in Connor's sudden boyish panic. It was rather endearing. "I take it that's not around here?"

"Not exactly. They live up in Holmby Hills."

Ben whistled under his breath. "Pricey." Connor didn't comment.

"Uhm, I'll see you Saturday?" He looked wryly for a moment. His bravado seemed to have crumbled a bit, when is words suddenly came out as a question.

Ben smiled. "Sure. I'll text you my address."

Connor gave his arm a gentle squeeze. "I can wait to see your face on Saturday. It's going to be good."

Ben made a face. He wasn't too keen on surprises, but he had taken a chance with the coffee date and that hadn't turned out too badly. Now, he realized that his hundred excuses had been completely redundant. So where was the harm in allowing a surprise for Saturday?

The short drive home left Ben with some time to mull over a few things. He almost felt bad that his approach to meeting up with Connor had been so careless. Ben had to admit that Connor was honestly a very nice man and open to possibilities, whereas Ben had been a bit of a sour puss. It wasn't Connor's fault that Ben was stuck in a rut over Edward, which wasn't really the case anymore. He just needed to sort his head out.

As Ben unlocked the door to his apartment, his phone buzzed with a text. It was from an unknown number.

**I forgot to say I had a really nice time. **

Ben smiled, while logging Connor's number into his phone.

**So did I. I can't wait to see what tricks you have up your sleeve for Saturday.**

Ben drew the conclusion that it had been good to be out, and not treading the same path that he always did. As a result, Ben set about cooking dinner just for himself, so he could stop living off the frozen pizzas that he hated. Cooking was one of the things he did well, so why not treat himself to a nice meal, instead if sinking his teeth into something that mainly tasted like cardboard?

That night, Ben had a serious date with Google. While eating his dinner in front of his computer, he virtually stalked Connor by hitting up every article about him and the Governor that he could find.

The next morning Ben knew that he needed some assistance. He hadn't slept well. His mind was reeling and turning things over again and again and again. He reached out, picking up his phone as the first thing that morning.

"Hey, darling," Ben said softly when he Anna picked up. The mere sound of her voice made the growing knot in his stomach dissolve.

"Sweetheart." She paused and the silence grew heavy. It was like she knew something was nagging him. She was thousands of miles away for crying out loud. "Now what? Oh, and I love you," she blurted.

"Love you, too," Ben inserted, before he got around to answering her question. "Yes, well, here's the thing. I went on that date."

"Oh, and?"

"It was good. Surprisingly good, but oh so complicated," Ben answered. Then he sighed and palmed his head. Complicated wasn't even a strong enough word.

"It always is, though, isn't it? Complicated, I mean? Tell me all about it?" Anna encouraged.

"This is more like Pan's Labyrinth. There are dangers lurking everywhere, but it's oh so captivating. So check this out, his father is the freaking Governor of California and he is a serious closet case."

"Oh shit! _That_ is complicated," Anna nearly gasped.

"Oh, and he is practically too hot for words," Ben added. He moved his hand from his head to his chest. His heart was definitely pounding. Was it from the fact that Connor was a very fine specimen of a man or the fact his father ruled the state? He couldn't tell. "I'm in trouble."

"That hot, huh? Now, that makes it slightly better," Anna laughed. "You're always in trouble, baby!"

"I'm a bloody magnet and that's not necessarily a good thing."

"Yeah, it is," Anna countered. "But speaking of hotness, you have me!" she pointed out sagely.

Ben laughed loudly, thankful for the frivolous feeling washing over him. This was exactly what he needed instead of going into a tailspin about the complications at hand. "No one beats you, but here's the thing. Do I just go ahead or should I throw a stick in the wheel?"

Anna's voice was adamant when she answered. "You go full speed ahead! You can only win in my book. If you don't even play the game, you lose for sure. Now, where's the fun in that?"

Ben repressed some of his sudden joy. "I don't want to wind up broken all over again," he murmured. The scars from Edward were still fresh and sore.

"It's going to be worth it."

"How can you tell?" Ben countered. "Anyway, I have plans with Connor on Saturday, well, tomorrow."

"Good. He's got guts though, this Connor boy. He pursues you even though he's not out yet. He must be very interested," Anna concluded. There wasn't a hint of doubt in her voice. Whereas, there was nothing but doubt in Ben's mind. He and Connor were so different. That much was clear.

"You think?"

"Yeah, I think so. I am certain that he is interested. So what are you doing tomorrow?" she brightly asked.

"I haven't got a clue. He said I needed to have some fun and that he was just the man for that. Oh, and keep your mind out of the gutter!" Ben teased.

"Sweetness, my mind _lives_ in the gutter. You can't take it out."

Ben laughed again. This was a good way to start the day. Perhaps, his new morning ritual should be calling Anna first thing. "I'll call you Saturday and tell you all about it."

Anna grumbled on the other end of the line. "No! You will call me on _Sunday_, because on Saturday, you're not going to be sitting here talking to girls!"

"We'll see. Love you, sweets," Ben murmured feeling a pang of sadness that his best friend was so far away. It didn't seem fair. He needed her here.

"Me too, baby. Forever," she whispered.

"Forever. Bye."

"Bye, kiddo."

With that, Anna was gone again. Ben sat up in bed rubbing his face and digging his fingers roughly into the corners of his eyes. He idly picked out the crusty bits, while trying to get rid of the grogginess so he could start his day.

Okay, Anna was in favor of the date tomorrow, so that meant it was all good. At least, Ben hoped so.

oooooOOOOooooo

**That is all I have for you today, sorry this was published a little later than expected. Next chapter should be posted within a week or so.**

**Thank you to those of you who commented, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. So keep it up.**

**Lastly, massive thanks my lovely ladies. Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22 for keeping me on my toes.**

**XOXO**


	5. Conflicts

**Conflicts**

Connor was staring into the clear blue and illuminated water of his parents' pool. His mood had gone from ecstatic to happy to a little less than happy, and then downright glum.

Leaving the coffee shop after his date, he had felt indestructible. For the first time in his life, he had been on a date, been invested in the conversation and enjoyed himself. During those two hours, he had been exactly who he was and he hadn't tried to hide anything. Even though Ben seemed less ecstatic, he hadn't let it bother him. The dark haired man's mood matched the pain in his eyes. He wasn't lying when he said that he was getting over someone, and that was what Connor appreciated more than anything. Ben was honest. He could take all the time he needed and Connor was in no hurry to push him anywhere. He just wanted a chance to see the man fairly out in the open, simply because he wanted to get to know him better.

What had killed his mood to begin with was the unfamiliar car parked in the driveway. First, he was ready to snap at Lucy for meddling and inviting someone when Connor had clearly said that he wasn't interested. However, she had been waiting for him in the foyer, ready to talk and explain that she had nothing to do with the extra _guests_. It wasn't some casual setup that she had orchestrated. He was close with his sister, and he believed her when she said it wasn't her idea.

The next thing to drain his good mood was the scolding from his mother. He had expected it, but that didn't mean he was indifferent to it. He had been twenty-five minutes late and the food had been ready for a while. His mother ran her kitchen like an army camp. When dinner was ready at seven, then dinner was ready at seven and not a minute later.

Finally, there were the guests. They were old friends of his parents, and he didn't mind Mr. and Mrs. Cope. It was more their twin daughters that made him feel like ants were marching under his clothes and biting him as they went. They were the kind of women that Connor did his best to avoid and even Lucy despised them. They pretty much looked like Barbie dolls with their thin Waspy waists, fake blond hair and clearly surgically enhanced chests.

As Connor sat sandwiched between the ladies, their spider-like hands repeatedly came crawling under the table. He was frustrated by their audacity to actually grope his thigh and he made every effort to pat away their hands away. The twins prided themselves on having money, class and dignity. Connor had to bite back a snort when one of them referred to charity work as showing up at an event and gracefully having their pictures taken. They were typical social climbers without having a grain of talent to show for it. If he were ever partially interested in a woman, which he wasn't, it would be with someone like Jessica. She was real, and she was soft in all the places where a woman was supposed to be soft. She actually had a brain stowed in between her ears, much like Lucy. Though, his sister did complain about baby weight all the time when in fact she looked perfectly fine.

However, if the Barbie twins wanted to meet someone with dignity and pride, they should meet his new friend, Ben. Now, he would outshine them and their fake smiles with a bat of his lashes. Thinking about his earlier coffee date, Connor wasn't completely surprised by Ben's admission that he had a rough background. He just hadn't known how badly, or under what circumstances he had grown up. It wasn't that you could see it on his face. It was more the understanding and strength that radiated from those deep brown eyes. Perhaps, that was why Connor found Ben to be so fascinating. He wore his strength and perseverance like a perfectly tailored Armani suit. The two hours he had spent with Ben today were probably the most productive minutes of his life. Their conversation wouldn't fade away as time wore on.

"You look like someone who's burning at the stake," Jared commented, breaking into Connor's musings. The blond man turned away from the vast pool to face his brother-in-law.

"I actually think that would be preferable than having to listen to one more vapid story about a nail appointment gone horribly wrong," Connor griped. He took a deep breath, really wanting to get back to the good mood he had been in when he left Ben. He felt wretched that he bolted so abruptly, but he hoped the text he had sent would help eradicate any sour notes.

"Yeah, they're not the fastest dogs in the pack," Jared interjected. He held out a soda. "Are you okay? You haven't seemed yourself lately."

Connor nodded, mostly out of habit. "Sure."

Jared gave him an appraising look, somewhat calling his bluff. "You know you can talk to me if something is bothering you," he offered.

Slowly, Connor moved to the lounge set, which was casually arranged near the pool. However, there was nothing casual about the house he grew up in. His mother's interior decorating skills were sharp and precise. Nothing was placed anywhere by chance. It was just meant to look that way.

He threw his feet up on the table now that his mom couldn't see him. "I just have this strange feeling that my life is about to change in some major way, but I haven't got a clue how. You know that feeling?"

Jared sat down. "Sure. Well, I felt that way when Lucy was pregnant the first time."

Connor was about to take a slug of his Coke, but lowered it and began staring at his brother-in-law, who was suddenly busy picking lint off his pants. "The first time?"

Jared cleared his throat, but didn't answer. His face scrunched up.

"As far as I know, you only have one adorable kid," Connor prodded, while sitting up straight. That was his two-year old niece, Katie.

"Yeah, I wasn't supposed to tell you," Jared said wryly, looking exactly like a man who had said too much.

A slow, cheeky smile spread on Connor's face when it became crystal clear that his sister was pregnant again. He already adored his niece, and the prospect of having another kid to spoil rotten did help brighten his mood. He was thrilled for them. "Tell me what?" he exclaimed, as he played along by feigning his ignorance about the secret.

Jared laughed. "Thanks, man. So you think your life is about to change?" he asked, directing the conversation back to its original point. Connor's good spirits suddenly took a nosedive again. He'd had such a wonderful afternoon. All he really wanted was to tell someone about it, but all he could do was sit there and keep his joy to himself. Sure, he would tell Jess later when he saw her, but for now it would be nice to just open up and be honest for once. If Jared had simply been his friend and not married to his sister, then maybe he would have been someone Connor would confide in, but facts were what they were, and what he told Jared would probably be revealed to his sister. They had a sound marriage and a connection that Connor often had felt slightly jealous of. He could hardly imagine what it was like to have someone to talk to, share his innermost thoughts with and, above all, to be with and know that you were safe. It would be Utopia right now.

Connor groaned when he realized he was turning way too soft. He was fine, but he was always just fine. "Nothing. It doesn't matter." Connor gestured with his hand.

"Bullshit. It does matter. Now, talk," Jared urged.

Connor sat for a moment listening to the chatter coming from the house, then he turned toward his brother-in-law. "I've er… I mean, there is someone…something-" The words were right at the tip of his tongue. Just as he was about to actually admit the _truth_, Lucy plopped down on Jared's lap.

The blond man slumped back in his seat kicking his feet up again as he exhaled slowly. So fucking close.

He watched Jared's arms wrap protectively around Lucy's midsection. Now that he knew she was pregnant again, it was so obvious. It was like he could see it in her eyes and the way she shined. It had been like that the first time, too, she radiated joy and now she was doing it all over again.

"You told him?" she asked with her brows furrowing.

"Sorry, honey. It slipped," Jared apologized and kissed her cheek.

Connor blinked for a moment. How the hell was she aware that he knew? Oh, right, she knew him well. He tapped his fingers at the Coke can. If she could read him so well, perhaps she even knew that he was gay? No, that wasn't likely, because then she would have said something. Lucy wasn't one to hold her tongue.

"It's true. He didn't mean to say it. Congratulations, sis." Connor held up his drink in salute.

"Thanks," she quipped. "I guess it isn't a disaster that you know. We were going to tell everyone tonight, before we knew there would be company." Lucy rolled her eyes, clearly remembering the inane questions asked about how she could stand the messy fingers that kids always had and how the lack of sleep left bags under your eyes.

"Well, I'm ecstatic for you, so when am I going to be an uncle again?"

"Late January or early February," Jared answered.

"I'm only about nine weeks along, so it's still early," Lucy answered, flicking her nails nervously. Jared placed a comforting hand over hers.

"Everything thing will be fine, Momma Bear." Connor was jealous of their connection, the simple way they understood each other. Jared was able to comfort his wife when she was clearly worried about her pregnancy.

Lucy rolled her eyes. "I hate that name."

Connor chuckled because that was the main reason they all used it. They weirdly nicknamed each other bear, but it was only after Katie came along that _momma_ was attached, much to Lucy's dislike.

"When are you telling Mom and Dad?" Connor asked.

"Sunday. Are you sure you don't want to come?"

Connor shook his head almost furiously. Not a chance. He wasn't going to the game this weekend. The entire family was rallying and that meant that far too many eligible women his age would be thrown in his face. He had better things to do with his afternoon. Not that he knew what yet, but that wasn't the point. He loved the games, but with his state of mind as of late, it was better to dodge that bullet.

His family was avid supporters of the Dodgers. His father or the party, Connor wasn't sure which, always had one of the luxury suites reserved for when the Hayes wanted to attend the game.

"So what were you talking about before I interrupted? It looked serious," Lucy prompted, and Connor was glad that was the end of the conversation about the Dodgers' game on Sunday.

"It wasn't important," Connor hurried to answer and his mind escaped to Ben for a moment. If he had a choice, he wanted to tell his sister about the man that he met. The sweet and gorgeous man already sent delicious shivers down Connor's spine and easily made his thoughts hone in on that soft mouth.

"Why do you always do that? Why do you always think that we wouldn't be interested in your life? You always brush me off, like I'm not important enough to know what goes on with you," Lucy accused.

Connor's brows went skyward. "That's not true. I tell you just about everything I do," he protested, and mentally added _almost_.

"Fine, then what caused that big ass smile when you walked in the door today?" she challenged, while crossing her arms over her chest. It was like she already knew it was the one thing he couldn't tell her about his day.

Connor's mouth felt like someone had stuffed it with cotton balls. He didn't have a snappy comeback or an annoying little white lie ready at the tip of his very dry tongue.

"See, I knew you wouldn't tell me," Lucy murmured, clearly hurt by his evasiveness.

Connor chucked back the rest of his soda, and then he took a chance. "Did it ever occur to you that there might be circumstantial reasons that make it impossible for me to tell you things?" Lucy looked confused as the seconds ticked by. "It's not that I want to keep secrets from you, but sometimes it's just better not to talk about things." His heart was throbbing in his chest and his hands started shaking. Never in his life had he been so close to just saying the words, '_I'm gay'_ to his sister. The words were there, ready in his heart and mind. The moment was potent, almost like a ripe grape sitting there, ready and waiting to be plucked.

"You are seeing someone," she concluded narrowing her eyes at him.

"Was that what you got from that?" Connor diverged, when his thumping heart was making its way up though his still dry throat. His ears felt warm and he was glad the dull light from the house would mask the flush creeping up his neck. Intentionally, he avoided answering her question.

"What I got from that is you think you need to hide things? What gave you that idea? Do you really think if you brought a girl home that we wouldn't approve?" Lucy said distastefully.

_Yeah, pretty much, sister dear, because it wouldn't be a girl._ Connor kept his breathing in check much the same way he did when he was really pushing himself when working out.

He didn't have an answer. He just sat there in silence, letting his sister's confused gaze tear him apart. Deep down, all Connor wanted was to tell her. If he said it now, would that be the last time that she ever spoke to him? Would he lose her for good? Was there really a chance that she would just accept the fact that he liked men, that he fantasized about them and that his innermost desire was to share his bed with someone of his own gender?

"Please, Connor, you can tell me anything."

He wanted to snort at her. He knew he could tell her anything, anything where there would be a solution or some way to fix the situation and make it right again. Though in this case, there was nothing to fix and nothing to change or make better. Connor was gay, through and through and there was no way to fix or change who he was. He could go to Lucy admitting that he had a problem snorting powder up his nose, and she would arrange an intervention and a drug rehab program. He could cry and tell her he hit someone with his car, and she would hold him and tell him with it would be okay and come up with a way to make amends for the accident. He could admit that he gambled his entire inheritance away, siphoned money from her account to feed his habit and that he had nowhere to stay, because he knew with absolute certainly that she would put a roof over his head and forgive him. Though, how could he expect her to fix something that wasn't broken? Life may have chosen a different path for him, but he never wanted to change it.

From his childhood and his upbringing, Connor knew being gay in the large Hayes family just didn't happen. In the history of the family, there had never been one gay man, transvestite or lesbian, well, not out in the open at least. Homosexuality was a touchy subject and some members of the family were outright disrespectful about it. At one specific summer party when Connor was an impressionable and young teenager trying to sort out what was going on inside his head, his Uncle James had been spouting crude and hateful words while showing his true colors. Terms like pillow biters, fudge packers and butt pirates were all uttered with the utmost disdain. Though the others weren't shy to open their mouths and prove their own ignorance, it was his uncle that had made Connor feel like he should hide in shame. Uncle James was a real piece of work. Connor had never forgotten those times when he heard the verbal bashing of other male relatives because someone was acting the slightest bit effeminate. As a teenager, that always made him feel like an outcast and a pervert for what he longed for in secret.

Other parts of the Hayes clan were more like his own family. They ignored homosexuality for the most part, because that was their way of refusing to acknowledge it existed. With his parents, it wasn't even a possibility that one of their little lambs swung that way. His father had once stated that men loving men was as unnatural as drinking oil instead of water. He didn't understand it nor did he want to.

Around his eighteenth birthday, Connor had carefully searched for an explanation as to why his father, Peter Hayes, had such a one-track mind. Mostly, Peter's beliefs were grounded in religion. The Bible stated that homosexuality was a sin and it went against the very core of human nature. Peter had faith in the very basic fact that men belonged with women, because that was how children were conceived. In his father's opinion, that was the only way about it. Any alternative was not up for discussion at all. At that time in his life, Connor had lost the small amount of faith that his parents had been able to instill in him. Why should he believe in a God, who told him that what he felt in his gut was wrong?

Life got tricky when he had to choose between his family and how he truly wished to live his life. He may be able to dismiss God on irreconcilable differences, but he couldn't do that with his parents or his sister. They may not share his opinion, but his parents had given him a safe upbringing, support and, above all else, love. Connor knew his father was proud of who he was, because he often complimented him on the man that he had become. Connor understood perfectly well that letting the truth see the light of day would sever the bond he had with his family. No matter what, he loved his parents and sister, and they weren't bad people in any way. They just didn't understand.

So over the years, Connor had learned with absolute certainty that the news of him being gay was going to break hearts, including his own.

However, would he want to change based on those facts? No, he would not. He was just really sad that his family would have a hard time accepting him for who he was.

"There's nothing to tell, Lucy," Connor answered, while plastering the façade on his face that he was so accustomed to. "Congratulations on the new baby. I'm so happy for you." He stood and kissed his sister's cheek and patted Jared's shoulder. "I'm going home. Goodnight."

Although he hoped to leave unnoticed, the battle was lost before it even begun. "Are you leaving so early?" his father asked. His parents and the Copes had moved to the sitting room to have a drink after dinner. Peter was sitting in the leather chair with his legs casually crossed.

"Yeah. I have an early session tomorrow," Connor replied, lying smoothly. He did often have early workout with clients, just not tomorrow.

"Of course." Making his escape, he wasn't fast enough. "You never did say how that audition went? The Hunger Games, was it?" Peter asked. His eyes lit with interest. Though Connor knew deep down that his father had hoped he would pursue a career within politics, he had fully accepted that he wasn't interested. "Any news?"

"It went really well, but I wasn't cast. The part went to some guy named Liam," Connor answered backtracking out of the room.

"Well, maybe next time," his father answered warmly, watching for any sign of disappointment or hurt in his son's eyes.

"Yeah, maybe." Connor smiled, which was his way to portray that everything was just _fine_. "Good night, Mom." He kissed her cheek just like he had done with Lucy.

"Good night, honey. Drive safely." She gave his hand a light squeeze.

"Mrs. Cope. Mr. Cope." Connor greeted and then he left.

Pulling out his car keys, he took a deep cleansing breath. The noose was tightening around his neck and he knew it. He checked his phone and he had another text from Drew. He ignored it, because he needed some space.

"Hold up, son."

Connor stopped dead in his tracks, while grumbling that his escape seemed to take forever. "What's up, Dad?" he asked, making sure he sounded untroubled as his father half ran to him. The courtyard of his childhood home was sparsely lit, but the night was warm.

"I noticed that Lucy and you were butting heads again. She means well, Connor. She just wants to see you happy. We all do."

"I know and I appreciate it. However, I won't be happy tomorrow if I don't get some shut-eye soon." He had his evasive tactics down to a tee. Connor was good at being evasive, and if there was something he didn't want to talk about, then he was a master at talking in circles.

His father laughed. He had such a nice and infectious laugh. "Yes, you make sure that handsome face stays handsome and don't be mad at your sister."

"I'm not, Dad," Connor answered and quickly hugged his father. It was true. He wasn't mad at Lucy. She was just nosy and wanted certain things for him. Things he would never be able to live up to. "Good night, and this time I mean it," he said with mock seriousness.

Connor caught his father waving outside of the door until he was out of the courtyard. Finally, he would have a little bit of space.

oooooOOOOooooo

It was late and the room was mostly dark, only sidelight next to the bed was on.

"Did she fall asleep again?" Lucy asked as Jared re-entered their bedroom.

"Yeah, I think it was just a dream," he answered, as he came back from checking on their daughter after she started screaming suddenly. He turned the lights on in their bathroom to brush his teeth.

"I just don't get him," Lucy muttered, as she sat up in bed and put her book down.

"Get who?" Jared asked, after rinsing his mouth. He quickly washed his face, before drying off and walked back into the bedroom.

"My brother. He's so frustrating and irritating," she grumbled. "I think he is dating someone, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why he doesn't just tell me about it."

Jared climbed into bed, lying down with his hands behind his head. "I'm sure he has his reasons," he answered. Deep in his gut, he had a sneaky suspicion why his brother-in-law was acting the way he was. He had known Connor since he was a tall and chubby thirteen-year-old boy with a cocky smile and bright ideas. Jared was seventeen and had just started his senior year in high school when he met the Hayes family. Over the past ten years, he had watched Connor grow up and go with the flow, while never really fitting in or committing himself like many of his friends did. He had been popular and had many friends, but something was… different about him. In college, it had been even clearer that his brother-in-law had a life that his family wasn't a part of. It wasn't anything Jared could put a finger on or something he knew with absolute certainty. It was simply a hunch that he had never been able to confirm or dismiss.

"Reasons smeasons. I don't care. Have I ever said anything to make him think that he couldn't trust me?" Lucy looked back at him with hurt and confusion evident in her eyes. Jared reached out a hand and put it around her waist. Teasingly, his fingers dipped into the skin over her ribs. She twitched and giggled, just like Jared knew she would. Clumsily, he tilted her back with her head at the foot of the bed, as he held her down beneath him. Then, he ran his nose along hers.

"Can we not talk about Connor right now?" he murmured with his voice dropping a few octaves. His sole purpose wasn't to distract her from her brother, but if he had to be honest, it did have a little to do with him. He didn't care whether or not his theory was right, but his wife wouldn't take the news very well. More importantly, it wasn't his place to say anything, even if one day he was proven right.

oooooOOOOooooo

**I hope you liked the chapter, perhaps enough for you to hit that comment button. **

**Has anyone of you ever had a secret you didn't let out in fear of what your friends and family might say? **

**As always, my three favorite ladies are, Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. **

**Until next time.**

**XOXO**


	6. Surprise

**Surprise**

On Saturday morning at five to ten, Ben stood outside his rent-controlled apartment in Santa Monica waiting for Connor. He wasn't entirely sure if he had lost his mind or if he was taking a few healthy chances in life. Mainly, he summed it up to the latter, because in hindsight the coffee date had been one of the easiest first dates he had ever been on. So today he wasn't lighting up. Nope, he was kicking that habit, before he would have a hard time letting the smokes go for good.

Ben had texted Connor several times since yesterday, mainly because he had been digging for details on this day of _fun_. Connor's replies had been instant, but hadn't revealed a damn thing about today.

A huge black SUV pulled up in front of Ben's apartment building. The windows were rolled down and Connor's bright, almost Colgate-worthy smile beamed across his face. Nervously, Ben jumped in worried that he might nick the paint of the glossy beast. It was an expensive car.

"Hey. Nice wheels," he added. Ben caught himself glancing though his lashes, which was something he only did when he was trying to be flirty.

Connor just stared at him, before he laughed and shook his head. "Okay, I see that I should have extended a little knowledge on what not to wear today. That outfit is just not going to work."

"What's wrong with this?" Ben asked looking down at himself. He always wore button downs and slacks. Today, he had added a vest. He liked his clothes, not to mention his style. He rocked his style.

"Nothing is wrong and you do look good, but for what we're doing you need something a little more casual," Connor explained.

"I don't do casual," Ben countered, biting back his smile. He let his gaze sweep down Connor. He was in loose track pants and a tight short sleeved shirt. "Fine, I'll see what I can do," he complied and got out of the car.

Scanning his closet, Ben managed to dig out a pair of navy blue cargo pants. He had bought them a while back, probably under the influence of a brain hemorrhage, because those pants were so not his style. After adding a white polo shirt, Ben felt somewhat comfortable. On the way out the door, he slipped his Ray-Bans into his collar. Those might come in handy. Climbing back into the car, he was pretty sure that mission was accomplished. "Better?" Ben asked.

"Most definitely," Connor complimented as he pushed the clutch down and put the car into gear. The blond drove through the city, while Ben was checking for any road signs of what they were doing. He still felt a bit shortchanged and Connor was absolutely no help. The most innocent questions were answered with a smile or a riddle. After about half an hour, Ben was no closer to figuring out this mystery. Reluctantly, he gave up and focused on the casual conversation the blond instigated.

"Promise me something?" Connor asked as he pulled up to a red light.

"What?"

"If I am pushing you too far or you're just not interested, just say no, okay?" The car set into motion again as downtown L.A. couldn't even be seen in the rearview mirror. They had been driving for little over an hour, mostly going north.

Ben frowned. "Is it something extreme?" As far as he knew, Connor was into all sorts of sports, and there was no telling what harebrained idea he had come up with. It made Ben slightly edgy.

"Not to me, but to some it's very extreme." One side of Connor's mouth pulled into a mischievous smile.

Ben's stomach started to twist and turn into knots. What had he gotten himself into? "How far do we have to go?" he asked uncertainly.

"Not too far, because we're pretty much here," Connor answered. Ben sighed when he still wasn't getting an answer. Then suddenly something caught his eye. He twisted in his seat to catch the sign as they made a right turn into Lompoc Airport. "We're flying?" he guessed.

Connor shrugged. "Sort of. Just promise me, okay?"

"I promise," Ben muttered, when he was distracted as a huge sign caught his eye.

Skydiving.

His stomach plummeted to his feet and dread ran down his spine. Perhaps, he had been a tad too quick to promise anything. This was a humdinger. "You're going to throw my ass off an airplane?" he huffed. All his ability to sound the least bit civil vanished.

Connor laughed wholeheartedly. "I'm not throwing anybody anywhere." The car came to a stop in front of a hangar where several people were gathered. The blond didn't get out. "So are you up for a little adventure?"

Ben gulped. Was he? He tilted his head staring into the sky. It was clear blue and not a cloud in sight. "I'm not completely sure. Don't I need some kind of a license to do this?"

"No, you don't. Not the way we're doing it." Ben suspected that Connor let him sit in the car and stew for a bit, while he was figuring out whether this was even wise at all.

"Have you tried this before?" Ben nervously asked, while turning back to watch Connor's expression. The blond's eyes were impishly on him. He was such a boy in many ways, but so full of surprises and… just full of _life_. That much was clear.

"I made my first jump when I was eighteen. I'm an instructor and you'll be safe with me. I promise." Connor's tone was absolutely sincere.

Ben gnawed the inside of his cheek, still not ready to get out of the car. Connor had been aiming for surprise, and this scored a bullseye. Ben's thoughts hadn't even come close to anything like this. He took a deep, steadying breath and then another. He was now ready to take a new chance on chance on life. "Okay, I'll try."

"Attaboy," Connor said pleased. The blond got out of the car, and Ben's knees were feeling a bit wobbly, as he followed deep in thought.

In the small clubhouse inside the hangar, Ben answered questions like _'have you been diving or have you given blood within the last forty-eight hours?' _as Connor filled out a few pieces of paper. Ben answered _'no'_ and then they moved on to the simple instructions it took to do a tandem jump.

They were going up with a bunch of people, who all knew Connor, and a few more who were there for a recreational adrenaline fix.

"So thirteen thousand feet," Ben murmured as Connor was strapping him into the harness. The straps were tight, crisscrossing over his body and some were digging into his crotch, though he wasn't about to complain.

"You want higher?" He cocked a brow. "We do up to eighteen thousand feet out here, but you'll have to wait for a later jump to make that happen."

Ben's already nervous stomach lurched. "Thirteen is more than fine." He swallowed back hard. Connor patted his shoulder after he secured what seemed to be the last strap. He felt mostly like he was meant to do some bizarre BDSM scene in this getup.

"We're all set to go."

While walking out over the runway, Ben was both excited and absolutely terrified. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so alive and so on edge at the same time. How invigorating. "What kind of airplane is it?"

"PAC 750XL, latest model. It can hold up to 15 jumpers. I could tell you about the engine too, but somehow I can't imagine that would fascinate you," Connor teased.

"True. That stuff would go right over my head," Ben laughed, before giving in to the nervousness overshadowing him. It sounded a wee bit hysterical, to be honest.

Ben and Connor climbed in as the last pair, and then the doors closed. The dark-haired man looked around, taking in the excited faces, the pumped up conversations, and the fact that nobody seemed to pay Connor a lick of interest, though most of them knew him. They clearly didn't have a clue that this was a date sort of thing or they just didn't care. Perhaps, this wasn't the first time he had brought someone here on a whim like this. Ben suspected it wasn't and he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

He leaned slightly into Connor's side. "So, how many guys have you brought here?" he tried keeping his tone curious and he succeeded for the most part.

Connor quirked a brow. He seemed a little smug. "None, before you." That wasn't the answer that Ben expected and keeping the astonishment off his face proved to be a little hard. "Surprised?"

He didn't have time to answer before the plane jolted into motion. Ben lowered his gaze from Connor's scorching and rather beautiful blue eyes. As the airplane climbed, the more nervous Ben got. He begged to some higher power that he would be able to keep his breakfast down and not humiliate himself.

"Remember to breathe," Connor encouraged and gave Ben's hand a light squeeze. It was all he really needed, a little support, a little push to know that he would be perfectly fine. Connor's hand on his for the briefest of moments offered a feeling of solace that he hadn't felt in years. No one ever really took his hand and encouraged him. It was usually the other way around. So feeling like someone had your back was sadly unknown to him, but it felt good.

The ground, the fields and rocky mountain ridge below all seemed like tiny plastic pieces from where Ben sat. The side of the plane was open and Ben's harness had been firmly strapped together with Connor's. He could sense the blond man's every breath along with the heavy palpitation of his own heart. In any other situation, Ben would have paid attention to the feeling of Connor's chest pressed to his back, but not now. They sat with their legs dangling a few thousand feet over the ground and Ben didn't have the mental capacity to focus on anything other than the jump.

Never in his life had his heart pounded so hard in his chest. The rhythm was intense and fierce, making his breathing completely staccato and unreliable. The tips of his fingers tingled as did his toes. For a second, his vision blurred, but he didn't want to even consider backing down. He was doing this.

"Just embrace it, Ben," Connor said into his ear. "I'll guide you through everything. You ready?" Connor's hand was firmly on his stomach. It was a touch that was more than simply polite.

"I think so," Ben called back over the roar of the wind and the engine. With that, the safety of the airplane was gone.

The wind tore at their clothes and yanked at their cheeks, but Ben felt nothing but free as they fell. It was like floating on a cushion of air, so comfortable and nothing like he feared. This wasn't terrifying. It was liberating in a way he never expected. Ben put his arms out to the side, enjoying the wind slipping through his fingers. After a moment, his hands were met with Connor's. The blond linked his fingers into his where no one could see them and in a place where no one could touch them. Ben gladly reciprocated the gesture and held on to Connor with all that he had.

The free fall was almost too short. It felt like they barely started when Connor released Ben's hands to pull the cord and release the parachute. The speed changed rapidly as it felt like they were yanked upwards.

"Pull on this," Connor encouraged and slipped a cord with a loop at the end into his hand. Ben wasn't capable of thinking and only did as ordered. After pulling on the string, they suddenly started spinning in a huge circle. The ground beneath them twisted and turned much like a ride a ride in an amusement park, but then again, maybe not. No ride he had ever taken compared to this. The speed was insane as they were flung around the air. Ben felt the sharp bite of the straps digging into his thighs.

Ben let go and roared with laughter. His stomach was uneasy, but this was fun like nothing he had ever experienced.

"Had enough?" Connor asked, as he magically made the whirling stop and the speed reduced again. "We're about to land soon."

Slowly, the ground below stopped looking like a page in an atlas and became real again. Feeling absolutely safe in Connor's care, Ben surrendered to the rest of the trip down towards earth in silence, while savoring every second of it.

The ground hardly felt solid as Ben sat down absorbing it all. The landing had been smooth and uncomplicated.

What a trip!

"Are you feeling dizzy?" Connor asked. His hands were on Ben's shoulders for a moment before he started releasing the snap hooks that separated them from each other.

"A little," Ben mumbled.

"Put your head between your knees for a bit. That'll help."

Ben obliged, and then started taking deep purposeful breaths. His entire world seemed to be spinning, but he felt good. Oh, so sweet and like he was still floating on a cloud of cotton.

He freaking jumped out of an airplane.

To some it may not be much, but to Ben it was monumental. He had let go of the control he thrived on. He had let loose in a way he never did and had handed his control over to Connor for half a day. It felt so good.

Weaving his fingers into his hair, he held his head down. Ben knew it was in a state of chaos, but he didn't care. Connor moved around him, gathering the chute, while Ben was caught in his own head and didn't pay attention.

"How are you feeling?" Connor asked tenderly, as he squatted down next to Ben.

"Unbelievable." He flopped down on his back, while staring into the sky. His entire body felt like it was made of Jello.

"I know. I told you that you would have fun." Ben felt a light touch on his arm, and Connor's thumb running over the thin skin at the crook of his arm.

"You are full of surprises. I'll give you that," Ben commented lightheartedly and placed his hand over Connor's. Ben gave it a light squeeze. Secretly, he savored how the size and strength of Connor's hands that once again gave the image of safety and comfort. Ironically, Connor had shown in the most primordial way how much Ben could trust him. His life had just been in Connor's magnificent hands. He couldn't help but let out a small, but content sigh.

Ben's eyes met Connor's. The blond man's eyes were dancing with mirth. "Can you get up? It's time to head back." He held out his other hand and Ben took it gratefully. He wasn't sure he could trust his legs enough to put some weight on them. His knees felt disjointed.

The drive back was filled with chatter as Ben just couldn't seem to shut up for more than three seconds or as long as it took to take the next breath. All too soon, Connor pulled his beast of a BMW up in front of Ben's apartment building.

"Thank you," Ben said quietly.

"Don't mention it. The pleasure was all mine."

Ben nodded a little, trying to figure how to play this out. He didn't want to screw up an ending to a perfect day. His hand was on the latch, just waiting to twist it back, but he hesitated. "Do you want to come up? We could have a glass of wine or something?"

Connor smiled, and his eyes were soft. "I would love to, but unfortunately I can't. I promised a bunch of guys from college that I would meet up with them. It's time for me to go back to the part of my life where I pretend not to like boys."

"All in a day's work." Ben sighed. "Some other time?" He hoped that he didn't sound as desperate as he felt. If one day with Connor could do this to him, he worried about the future.

"Absolutely," the blond acquiesced. Slowly, he wet his bottom lip, but he didn't make any other move. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah. See you soon." The hug that followed was warm and tight and a genuine gesture that left Ben feeling reassured that Connor enjoyed his company as much as Ben appreciated his. The day had been close to perfect.

Back in his apartment, it was eerily quiet, but it was okay. Ben couldn't remember the last time he was so exhausted, because he actually did something physical. That one jump seemed to have leaked every ounce of energy from his body. It felt good to be so tired, not just because his head was exhausted from trying to sort things out.

Ben plopped down on his couch, tilted his head back and went to sleep ridiculously early.

oooooOOOOooooo

Bree Tanner added an extra layer of make-up, though it was 11PM and she wasn't going anywhere. The heavy pound of the music was like the beat of a pulse, counting out her heartbeats. She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her long hair framed her face almost like a veil. If she pulled it over her head, maybe she would disappear completely. It would take a few days for anyone to notice, at least until Wednesday. Would Ben be alarmed if she didn't show up for their session next week? She wasn't sure.

The handle twisted and someone yanked at the door. It was followed by an insistent pounding. "Did you fall in, kid? Hurry up! I need to take a piss," someone yelled. Bree couldn't match the voice to a face, but she hadn't expected to. Things had taken a turn for the worse. Not only was her mom at the brink of passing out by now, but now she was throwing parties. Well, it wasn't her as much as it was her new 'boyfriend'. The man repulsed her. His careless eyes and crooked teeth made stomach acid rise up her throat.

He had people coming and going all weekend and they offered her beer and thought she was cute. She wanted to run away, but where would she go? She had nowhere to run to so what was the point?

She quickly brushed her teeth without toothpaste, because the tube was empty. At least, that would take care of the furry feeling in her mouth.

Lowering her head and like a cat, she slinked unnoticeably through the living room and into her own room. The last thing she saw before she closed and locked her door was James, her mother's boyfriend, leaning over the table snorting something into his nose. Bree hadn't seen her mom turn to drugs, but she was sure it would only be a matter of time.

This bender had come too soon. Usually, the cycle was two or three good and sober weeks, but this time her mom had only been able to stay away from the bottle a little over a week. The time she had with her mom had been too short and she missed her.

She hadn't taken an inventory of the size of the party, but it had grown over the past hour or so. Would it get bigger? Would more people arrive? Bree had no clue. She curled herself into a ball in the corner of her bed. Most girls would probably have cried, but not Bree. She couldn't afford the tears, because they would simply drain her and there was no reason to feel sorry for herself. The situation wasn't that bad. She still had a bed to sleep in and sometimes food in the fridge. A lot of people had less than that, so there was no reason to be delicate and complain. On top of that, she still had her mom… sometimes.

Bree clutched her phone in her hand. She pondered if she should call Ben, but decided against it. She wasn't sure if this was one of the situations that he mentioned. It probably wasn't. After all, no one was bothering her. Yes, James made her uncomfortable, but he hadn't done anything, so she was probably just being childish. Besides, Ben said that he needed to tell the school if something was wrong. That meant they would take her mom away and even though she hated the drinking, Bree didn't want to be away from her mom.

To sum it up, there was no reason to create a fuss over something that was probably nothing. She didn't call Ben.

Late into the night, Bree was finally able to fall asleep sitting in the corner of her bed, locked in her room. No one had bothered her as the music pounded.

oooooOOOOooooo

Ben didn't resurface until the next morning. His shirt was twisted around his body, practically choking him and his stomach was growling. It had been a good twenty-four hours since he ate anything. He sat up and ran his fingers though his chaotic hair. He knew he needed a haircut, but perhaps it was time for a change, maybe even a slight makeover.

He showered quickly, before putting on sweats that he wouldn't be caught dead in anywhere, but home alone. He studied himself in the mirror. Yeah, he wanted to change a few things. He wanted to do everything he could to drag his head out of the rut he seemed to be stuck in. Life was only as good as he made it. Look at Connor. He was so vivacious and there was simply one reason for that. He took chances in life and he went after what he wanted.

Ben quickly swallowed a huge breakfast, before he set about cleaning his apartment. That would keep him busy for a while. His mind was buzzing with ideas of a certain blond that had shown him more than a good time yesterday, and that hadn't even involved getting naked. Nothing physical, per se, had happened, not even when Connor dropped him off. There hadn't been the slightest indication of a goodnight kiss, just a hug. However, it didn't matter. It didn't really seem important at the moment. What did matter was that Ben was already bored and missed the fun Connor so easily provided. He didn't want to be stuck in this dreary mood that he suddenly couldn't stand. He needed something different.

He checked the kitchen cabinets with the purpose of going shopping to restock his supplies. That would take him about an hour.

It was barely 2 PM when Ben was out of things to do and sat in his home office twirling his phone around in his hand. Would it be presumptuous to call Connor already? Would it seem desperate or clingy? He really didn't want to throw off that sentiment, but he was bored out of his skull.

Admittedly, he didn't have many friends. He didn't really have anyone he could just call out of the blue or drop by his or her house. Mostly his life was about work and the men he had dated in the past. There wasn't a large circle of friends ready to fill his boring day with something meaningful. The only person that would be on his doorstep at the blink of an eye was Anna, but geography made that impossible.

He considered Aro to be his friend, but that didn't mean he wanted to spend Sunday afternoon with his boss. That was simply too tedious. Aro wasn't exactly _fun_.

Lastly there was Bree, but her mom was still on the wagon, so he wasn't needed at the moment. He didn't want to impose on the quality time they actually did have.

He turned his phone over again, and pushed up Connor's number. His heart fluttered in his chest as it started ringing. He was so giving off a clingy vibe, but he just couldn't help it.

"Hello?" A female voice answered on the third ring.

"Uh…" Ben mumbled. He pulled his phone down and stared at the number. It was the right one.

"Oh, sorry, this is Connor's phone," the woman amended.

"Oh, okay. Is Connor around?" Ben asked carefully, not really sure what to make of the situation.

"Yeah, sure. Hang on." There was a lot of rustling then he picked up the female voice again, but it was filled with static because she wasn't speaking to him. "Hayes, it's Ben the Hottie," she grinned.

"Put a sock in it, Jess… Hello?"

"Hi, uh, Connor. It's Ben," he stammered like he was ten years old again. Besides… _Ben the Hottie?_

"Hey, you."

"I, uh, just wanted to say thank you again for yesterday. I had a really nice time," Ben fished, not really sure how to put out there what he wanted. He never used to have that problem.

Connor's tone was soft when he answered. "Ah, you don't have to do that. I had fun, too."

It was silent for a few heartbeats and then Ben started digging his blunt fingernails into his palm. Why was he so nervous? "Uh-"

"You okay?" Connor asked with concern.

"Yeah, uh, I was just wondering if you were busy?" Ben finally managed to choke out.

"Well, sort of, but not really. I'm just down at the beach doing a bit of surfing, nothing major."

"Sounds nice," Ben answered, while trying not to feel the disappointment pummeling though his veins. Seriously, what had he expected? That Connor would just drop everything to make him feel less bored?

"You could come down here. We're at Santa Monica," Connor generously offered.

"That's okay. I don't want to impose."

It was like Ben could sense Connor's eyes roll even over the phone. "You wouldn't be imposing. We're just a bunch people surfing. Do you surf by the way?

Ben chuckled. "Hardly. I'm sure I would just break my nose on the board if I tried."

Connor laughed briefly. "Look, come down here. There's a pretty big swell today," he goaded. Now, it was suddenly Connor persuading Ben. Well, he didn't really need a lot of persuading. He was originally the one fishing for something to do.

"Sure."

"Great. I'll see you soon. We're just a bit further down than Annenberg Community Center. Give me a call if you can't find us, okay?"

"Thanks."

For the second day in a row, he rummaged his closet for something appropriate to wear. He didn't go to the beach much. He never really went onto the sand or lay out to catch the sun. He didn't need or want to work on a tan, because Ben's skin was naturally dark. So that left him with very few types of attire appropriate for going to the beach.

He realized he didn't even have a decent pair of shorts. He only had slacks, so he went against all things holy in his world, and wore the same pants as yesterday. He zipped off the legs and found a casual, yes casual, shirt to wear. For the first time ever, he left his hair without gel or any kind of styling product, and just let his long untrimmed hair flop over his forehead. Ben ran a hand through it. It felt kind of good to not obsess over it, and just let it be.

Ben picked up his sunglasses, stuffed his wallet in his front pocket and decided to walk down to the beach. It wasn't really that far and maybe it would make him seem less needy if he didn't arrive five minutes after the call.

The day was beautiful. Ben moved through the streets, while passing all the small shops and tourists that were either window-shopping or making their way to the beach from their hotels. Ben realized he didn't do this enough. He didn't utilize the community that he lived for all it had to offer. The walk took about forty-five minutes and now it was just a question of finding Connor. The beach was fairly crowded and a lot of blond heads stuck out everywhere. This wasn't going to be easy. He pulled out his phone and was just about to call, when he caught someone striding towards him and waving.

Taking a moment to compose himself, Ben did everything he could not to gawk and gape.

"Oh, fuck me," Ben murmured to himself and his heart was suddenly dancing in his chest.

Connor's board shorts were dropped low, clinging to his narrow hips. His chest was bare and sculptured in a way that just made Ben want to sigh and eye fuck until it got too dark to see. Connor was athletic with defined muscles drawing patterns over his stomach and chest, much like rich chocolate fudge was the Rolls Royce of desserts. He didn't look like someone who achieved this definition by spending hours in the gym or popping anabolic steroids in whatever shape or form they came in. He simply looked delicious and just about ready to eat. For all Ben cared, he would be perfectly fine with just staring at the blond man for an hour or two. However, time was up.

"Hey," Connor said and his smile was just about as bright as the sun.

Ben showed his hands in his pockets to prevent himself from accidentally running his fingers down Connor's chest. Okay, that wouldn't be an accident it would be completely on purpose. "Hi, stranger. You sure this is okay?" Ben asked, knowing Connor would read between the lines.

Connor nodded his head towards a bunch of people gathered around a myriad of boards strewn haphazardly around on the beach. "It's fine. No worries."

Ben relented, knowing it was Connor's decision how to play things and let him control the situation. In the back of his mind, Ben wondered if just maybe this was the first baby step for Connor to come out in the open.

oooooOOOOooooo

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please tell me what you think.**

**As always thank you to my besties Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. You rock my world, ladies.**


	7. Admission

**Admission**

Down at Santa Monica beach, Connor stared at Ben when he didn't take off his shoes or socks as they crossed the sand. He was barefoot himself, well, bare for the most part, deliciously so in Ben's opinion.

"I'm going to venture a guess that you don't come to the beach much," Connor asked, scratching the back of his head. Ben nodded, feeling a little more than a bit out of place. "We need to get you some flip-flops or something, because if we're going to hang around each other, you'll be spending time at the beach." He laughed good-naturedly.

The blond made a hasty introduction to most of the other surfers that were gathered. They all greeted him politely before returning to their conversations. All of them were tanned, with bodies clearly used for exertion. Connor sat down next to Ben as most of the group picked up their boards and ran for the roaring surf. The sea looked a little furious compared to normal calm surf of Santa Monica.

Ben chose to follow Connor's advice and he removed his shoes and socks. Sand instantly got between his toes and everywhere else for that matter. Ben wasn't sure he liked the feeling, but he pushed it back and tried not to obsess over it.

"So…" he hedged, already infected by Connor's good mood. "Ben the Hottie?" he said mischievously. He kept his voice down, so the two surfers sitting a bit off to the right didn't hear.

Connor dropped his head down between his arms and began laughing to himself. He didn't have time to answer before a short curvy girl dropped down just next to Connor. She was breathing heavily and started wringing water from her long hair.

"It is awesome out there today. Are you Ben?" she asked.

Connor sighed, but gestured between them. "Jess, this is Ben. Ben, this is nosy and doesn't-know-when-to-keep-quiet Jessica."

Ben laughed, but held his hand out. Jessica gave Connor a sour look before smiling brightly at Ben. "Nice to meet you," she said conversationally. Her eyes were too… knowledgeable somehow. Besides, was she the one who had called him '_Ben the Hottie_?'

"You, too." Ben glanced sideways at Connor, and was suddenly distracted by small drops of salt water drying on his shoulders. The pale spots were mixed in with a gentle scatter of freckles strewn over his tanned skin. Ben found himself mesmerized. The physical attraction to this man was like a small portion of embers smoldering underneath a layer of ash. It was there, just waiting to burst into flames.

"So Ben, now that Hayes so inelegantly pointed out that I never know when to keep my mouth shut, which I admit is true, did you know that he did nothing but talk about you this morning?" She wagged her brows.

Ben blanched, before his eyes sliced to Connor. He felt a slight panic rise. Once more, Connor dropped his head between his shoulders with a shy and endearing smile on his lips. He said nothing, just sat chuckling with his head hung low. Ben did the math. He knew this woman had to be the surf buddy that Connor had spoken about.

"I did not know that." Ben played along for a bit, and instantly regretted putting Connor on the spot. "I'm sure it wasn't that bad," he then added.

Jess laughed before she was distracted by a phone ringing. She fished through a tattered bag and dug out her phone. "Hey Bella," she answered when she picked up.

Pulling his attention back from the brown haired girl, Ben found Connor's blue and penetrating eyes trained in on him. "Jess doesn't do subtle," Connor said, chuckling under his breath.

"I sort of expected your surf buddy to be a guy…"

"No, I confided in Jess because she speaks our language," Connor answered. "I never regretted that I told her. She helps keep me sane on occasion when I need it."

Ben nodded. "I'm glad you have her to talk to. She seems nice," he added, while stealing a glance at the woman on the phone. She was speed-talking with whoever was on the line.

"She's a good listener, though she tends to talk a lot, not that I mind." Connor shrugged.

The chattering stopped and Connor turned to her with a playful smile on his lips. "Was that your date?"

Jess rolled her eyes. "I had _one_ date with her. Unfortunately, she turned out to prefer your equipment to mine. Well, not unfortunately, I'm not sure sparks would fly anyway, but she's a good friend and totally in over her head with this guy she works with," she rambled.

"I thought you went out with her last week," Connor asked.

Jess snorted. "Get your facts straight, Hayes. That was like two weeks ago and I had lunch with her. She was all about this guy she was kind of seeing, which turned out to be her boss, uh, gay boss. Well, it's complicated enough for a lifetime and she just wanted some of my sage advice."

Despite the June heat, Ben suddenly felt cold to the bone. That story had an uncomfortable, but very familiar ring to it. He put his head in his hands for a second. "Bella, that would be short for Isabella, wouldn't it?" he asked through his fingers.

"Yeah," Jess answered. Her eyes peaked with interest. "You know her?"

A humorless and dry chuckle escaped his throat. What the hell were the odds? It wasn't like L.A. was some small Podunk town in the middle of nowhere. "Not as well as I know the guy." Ben sighed.

"What guy?" Connor asked. His eyes cut from Jess to Ben and then back again.

The world suddenly seemed a bit small and very claustrophobic. "Uhm, Edward," Ben said as a way of explaining the whole mess.

"You know him? Edward?" Jess asked in confusion this time. Her jaw dropped a little and she just stared.

"Yeah. I used to date him," Ben added carefully watching Connor's lips press into a thin line. This was a complication he didn't need on such a lovely Sunday afternoon. Then it clicked. "You went out with Isabella?" Ben asked Jessica, quite befuddled.

"It was just one date and one kiss, nothing more than that." She looked back and forth a few times. Quietly, Ben absorbed this news and the fact that there seemed to be more to this _Isabella_ than what met the eye. Apparently, she went around kissing other women. How interesting. "What are the odds of that?" Ben chuckled to himself.

The three people on the beach kept staring speechlessly at each other. Minutes ticked by before Connor spoke up. "Okay, to sum this up, Jess, you went out with the woman who is Ben's ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend?" Connor turned around, with a grin on his face, asking Ben. "Jess actually went on a date with the same woman who is now dating your ex?"

"That sounds about right," Ben answered drily, keeping a stiff upper lip while trying to piece it all together in his head. He cleared his throat, at a loss for words once more, and fearing the feeling of total hilarity creeping up on him. Oh, but… Did Jess know what he had done? He hoped to God that she didn't.

"Strange," Connor mused, biting his tongue.

"Very strange," Jess agreed, looking like she had inhaled paint fumes. "Well, this is a wee bit odd and I seem to have swallowed a bug," Jess giggled, while picking up her board and indiscreetly making her escape. Ben was grateful.

Seconds turned into minutes as Ben and Connor looked at each other without breaking eye contact. Connor's eyes lost their usual spark and slowly drained of what looked to be hope. Ben deliberated whether or not he should go into the whole Edward, Isabella and Ben threesome, because it was a mess. It wasn't like a favorite bedtime story you loved to tell. If he could, he would just forget all about it.

Ben took a deep breath. "Long story short. Things got messy at the end and I ended up in a situation I'm not really proud of." Connor's eyes were concerned, while imploring him to continue. Ben chewed the inside of his cheek. "You want the whole story?"

"Yeah, lay it on me."

The dark haired man took another deep breath. "I dated Edward for about three months, and things were going well until Isabella started working for him. I knew something was wrong. A few days later, he broke up with me. I admit that it hurt and I gave him a window of opportunity to come back. I guess it was probably a desperate measure to keep him. I saw them a few times arriving at work together and Edward was gracious enough to tell me that she was staying with him due to some complications with a fire in her apartment complex. A few weeks later, he shows up at my doorstep out of nowhere. He was looking pretty torn. I knew he was with Isabella at this point in time, but he had a hard time letting go of who he used to be."

"What do you mean, who he used to be?" Connor asked.

"It's complicated, but the bottom line is that he couldn't quite wrap his head around falling for a woman," Ben informed.

"So what happened that night?" Connor prompted, probably knowing that was where the nitty-gritty of the situation lay. Ben felt his face heat up. There really was no excuse for what he had done.

"We talked for a bit, because he was hurt and confused about how he felt. Then one thing sort of led to another… and he basically ended up running for the hills."

"So you had sex?" The blond didn't look particularly bothered as he was suddenly directing the conversation.

"Not exactly. I blew him." Ben shrugged, feigning indifference, though that was hardly how he felt. That night had been a new low for him. He remembered clearly how devastated and debased he felt the second it was clear what they were doing was wrong. He didn't need the sight of Edward backing out the door to tell him that.

"Classy," Connor added sardonically.

"Like I said, not one of my finest moments." Ben averted his eyes to escape any judgment that would come from Connor. He never meant for anyone to know what happened that night, and yet here he was telling Connor.

The blondsmiled. "Hey, that's not a tragedy. Shit happens and we move on."

"Yeah, I moved on." Ben added, while letting one eyebrow become a hint that his attention was now drifting in a totally different direction than Edward Cullen.

Their eyes were locked, as they were reading each other. "Thank you for telling me," Connor said. "I guess now I know what I am up against. Fair enough. Game on."

Ben knew that what the blond was up against was _nothing_. Even if Edward came crawling back on his knees, he wouldn't be interested.

"You know, I really like your hair like this. It looks good," Connor said, completely changing the subject and officially closing the topic concerning Edward. He ruffled the back of Ben's head. "For someone who doesn't do casual, you pull it off quite well."

"Why, thank you," Ben answered, feeling glad the dreary conversation wasn't going to drag them under. He really didn't want to dwell on what happened in the past. With all of his baggage, that was just too depressing.

"You mind if I go back out for a bit?" Connor pointed the swell of waves crashing in on the shoreline.

"Knock yourself out. I wouldn't mind just sitting for a bit."

Connor patted Ben's thigh a few times, before giving him a huge smile. "Don't go running off."

"I wasn't planning on it," Ben playfully added.

His eyes surreptitiously followed Connor as he waded into the surf, dumped his surfboard in the water and lay his stomach down on it. His movements were fluent and graceful as he paddled far out into the water and joined up with Jess.

Ben placed his arms on his knees, before studying the life on the beach. Kids were playing in the sun, digging holes and burying their feet in the sand. A dad was chasing his kids around and making them squeal with laughter. Their eyes were bright with excitement. A mom was wiping melted ice cream that was dripping from a toddler's mouth, as she desperately tried to salvage what was left of it from the scorching sun. He savored the tranquil moment of just studying people who were obviously very happy. This was what he needed.

He lay back propping a folded towel under his head, hoping it was Connor's. He closed his eyes for a moment relishing in the sun's kiss on his skin. It had been too long since he had done something nice just for himself.

"Hey, sleeping beauty." Ben heard as cold drops of water rained down on him. Peeling his eyes open, Connor was standing over him and shaking his wet hair. His soaked shorts clung to his legs like a second skin.

Ben groaned and sat up. He hadn't been sleeping, and just felt really, really relaxed. He glanced around seeing that the huddle of surfboards, miscellaneous bags and belongings were gone. Okay, perhaps, he had been sleeping a little bit.

Connor crouched down next to him. "We're about to take off."

Ben stretched noticing the day was drifting into evening. Sadness encroached on him. He didn't really want to go home and enjoy his own company right now. "Sure," he mouthed. Next to him, Jessica was packing up and putting a shirt on before discreetly removing her soaked top. "Have you eaten?" Ben asked, hoping he didn't seem like a sad puppy begging for a bone. However, that was exactly how he was feeling.

"I'm starving," Jess answered, before changing into a dry pair of shorts.

"I could definitely eat." Connor said, rubbing his stomach for the added effect, before he put on a shirt.

"I was going to cook. We could go back to my place," Ben offered, while extending his invitation to Jessica. "It would be nice to have some company."

"That's so nice of you." She gauged Connor's reaction. He nodded encouragingly, before she accepted. "Awesome," she added, before picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

Ben caught a ride with Connor back to his place. Jess was parked in the street, clearly having beaten them to it in her dented old Golf, though she had merely been given an address to Ben's place. She was leaning against the side of the car, smiling smugly.

"All that money on a car and you're still slower than me," Jess teased. Ben realized that he really liked this good-natured girl.

"You really want to put some money on that?" Connor countered as he slammed the driver's side door. He returned her snide smile with a cocky grin. Jess made a face, probably knowing that if push came to shove that the Golf wouldn't stand a chance.

"Not exactly. Anyway, I won't forget I beat you today." She jabbed Connor in the chest with her index finger.

Ben laughed shaking his head. "This way." Now, he was glad he had shopped this morning. He was able to offer his guests some refreshments and actual food and not a frozen pizza.

Connor and Jess kept up their bantering out on Ben's terrace, before the subject changed to surfing and tributes to the waves they had caught today. Ben fished out a few sodas and a bottle of white wine and sauntered out onto the terrace. He set the drinks down, while flipping the wine glasses to fill them.

"It's a nice place you got here?" Jess complimented. "Have you been here before, Connor?" Ben smiled to himself, knowing she was merely digging for details to feed her own curiosity.

"Thanks," Ben answered. He shared a glance with Connor as the man shook his head. He went back to the kitchen wanting to get the lasagna cooking. While digging through the fridge, he pulled out the meat and then some vegetables for a salad.

"You have some ice?"

Ben jumped and clutched his chest when Jess suddenly stood right behind him. "Jeez, you're stealthy," he muttered then nodded at the fridge. "In the icebox at the top."

"Sorry," Jess said and smiled. After digging out the ice, she hesitated a bit. "You need some help?"

"I'm fine. I just need another ten minutes, so I can get this in the oven."

"Sure." She wavered again, while fidgeting with her hands. "He really likes you, you know?"

"Who?" Ben asked lamely, though it was quite clear whom she was talking about. He then frowned. Was this how women meddled when new friendships formed? He wasn't sure. He wasn't used to a woman's influence when developing a relationship. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked softly, because he was a little confused.

Jess shrugged. "Connor has been my friend for a long time, and for the most part, he's just… wholesome. He's a good guy."

"Yeah, he seems like it," Ben agreed.

Jessica nodded, seeming resolved. "Just thought I should mention that," she said as walked back out onto the terrace. Ben focused getting dinner ready, so he could join his guests. He tried not to dwell on what Jess had said.

The conversation was light for the most part. Jess was efficiently supplying a new topic every now and again and was hardly afraid of embarrassing herself. Ben followed the lighthearted conversation, while his gaze met Connor's every minute or so. Every time, he felt warm inside. The flirty looks, the size of his smile and kind tone to his teasing left a mark on Ben. Excitement bloomed in his gut. Could this guy, who really wasn't his type, be exactly what he needed?

"It's official. You are one awesome cook," Connor praised and placed his napkin next to his used plate.

"I second that," Jessica said, scraping the last bit of sauce up with her fork. Ben felt bashful from the compliments, but gave a small smile to defuse the attention. "I'll clean up." Jess stood, picking up the plates. Ben was out of his seat immediately.

"You don't have to do that," he said.

She placed a hand on his wrist. "Yes, I do. Now, sit and talk. I'll find my way around your kitchen." Her smile was that of a Cheshire cat, so Ben relented, and sat back down.

"This really was nice," Connor said appreciatively.

"Well, it was the least I could do considering the ride you took me on yesterday."

"Tit for tat, I guess." Connor leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees, before he reached out taking Ben's hand. The blond watched as he twined their fingers together. "It's exciting getting to know you," he said quietly. There was a slight change to his breathing.

Ben tightened his grip. "Likewise," he answered softly. The feeling of their joined hands was comfortable, not to mention how Connor's fingers seemed to fit seamlessly in between his. "I had a really good time this weekend."

Connor peeked up with insecurity edged into the gentleness of his eyes. "So did I."

Ben sat still mulling over the fact that Connor was never usually a man that would have caught his eye, but in retrospect, Ben had never been so at ease and comfortable with anyone so early into a friendship. "Are you free Friday?" Ben asked.

"Yeah." Connor's lips tugged at the corners with joy sweeping into his eyes.

"How about we go out for dinner?" Ben threw a glance at the kitchen where Jess was pensively opening drawers. "Just you and me." He clarified to make sure his intentions were clear. Though he liked Jess, he wasn't including her this time.

"I'd like that," Connor softly answered.

Ben scraped the inside of his lip with his teeth. "You never did answer my question."

"What question?"

"Ben the Hottie?" He did his best to suppress his smirk, but Connor's teasing throughout the day had been infectious.

Connor laughed, shaking his head in surrender. "Fine, I admit it. I think you're pretty damn hot, but it was Jess, who came up with it."

"Why am I not surprised?" Ben couldn't help grinning like a fool. Underneath the layers of flirting, Ben was absolutely flattered. "So, what's your type like?"

Connor took a small swig of his wine, but he hadn't even finished half a glass. He was quiet for a moment. "If I had to say I had a type, it would be someone with heart and soul. To be honest, I never really dated anyone, let alone had a boyfriend."

"Oh," Ben mouthed, not really sure what to make of that. So far, the blond had hardly hidden the fact that he was interested and hadn't been subtle about the fact. Connor was competitive, that much was clear.

"How about you? Well, besides Edward?"

"There's been a few, but nothing long-term or too serious," Ben answered, not really ready to have that conversation. That would keep for some other day.

"Good to know." Connor's bright smile was another reward. He gave Ben's hand a light squeeze and then let go. "It's getting late and I better get going. I have my first client at five in the morning."

"Well, I'll be turning over in bed at that time," Ben teased.

Connor smiled and stood. "Thank you for dinner… and for this weekend," he said gratefully.

"You're welcome." Well, the man had impeccable manners, no question about it.

The send-off was much the same as yesterday. It was a warm tight hug, but no kissing. Not that Ben would mind if Connor did kiss him. After that, he persuaded Jess that he was more than capable of cleaning his own kitchen. After drifting around his apartment and tidying up, Ben felt like he was floating around on cloud nine. This weekend had been so unexpected and so… wonderful. He had to tell someone.

"So guess what I did yesterday?" Ben didn't even bother to wait for introductions when his call was answered.

"What? Who? When? Ben!" Anna made a strange sound at the back of her throat. "I've told you umpteen times. _Calculate the time zones_. Then do it again before calling!"

Ben snickered. "Oh, sorry. My bad." He genuinely tried to sound apologetic, but he was far more interested in letting Anna in on what had happened this weekend. "Now, guess."

There was a lot of rustling in the background. "Scusami, amore, è Ben. Vado di là. Dormi." A few seconds passed and then it was quiet again. "Yeah, I'm listening, sweets."

"I asked a question. Guess what I did yesterday?" Ben repeated snidely. He hadn't forgotten how exhilarating it felt to soar through the air. Even now, it sent a shiver of excitement though his gut. It was silent for a while. "Are you awake, honey?"

"Yeah. Uhm... You had sex? About fucking time!" Anna cheered.

"No, it wasn't even close, but it was almost better. Almost."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me? What is better?" she asked in disbelief.

"Skydiving. Plain and simple."

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end, just like Ben expected. "Holy shit!"

"Yes. I believe I said that more than once." Ben chuckled.

"Yeah, that's not an orgasm for me. That would be me shitting my pants."

Ben laughed loudly. At least, Anna was just as impressed by his sudden bravery as he was. "I was terrified, but it was unbelievable. It was unlike anything I ever tried. Connor's an instructor."

"Why am I not surprised? I love this boy. He takes you and throws you out of airplanes. Go Connor!" Once again, Anna was all about the cheering. In that case, why not throw her another bone?

"Today, I went surfing. Well, I watched Connor surf. I didn't want to risk losing a limb," Ben said. Then, he was daydreaming about Connor dressed in nothing, but shorts. He was about to groan at the memory, but quickly bit it back down. His body only reacted in ways Anna couldn't hear. "It was a very pretty sight. I assure you. He's yummy. Chocolate fudge."

"I bet he was pretty," She paused and then she grinned. "Oh, so surfing is a no-no, but skydiving isn't? You are one weird man, Benny boy!"

"Don't call me Benny... you know I hate that."

"I know, and _you_ know I hate it when you almost die. Deal with it!" Anna snidely countered.

"I didn't almost die," he said pointedly, while trying not to laugh out loud. No, he had been safe with Connor. Then he thought for a moment. "Perhaps, I should give surfing a try. Anyway, I'll let you get back to sleep."

"You just woke me up to tell me about this?" she huffed.

"You're the one who said I was weird, so this is what you get. Crack of dawn phone calls just to tell you about my day, just like I promised you."

"Blah blah, whatever. Kiss Connor from me." Anna added lightly.

"Haven't kissed him. Not even close. Now, go back to sleep before I ruin your day. You'll be all cranky if you don't get enough sleep."

"I am always cranky. That's why I have my teddy bear. He makes it all better. Besides, you can never ruin my day, sweetness."

"You steal my heart, Anna. Love you," Ben answered, while feeling the sting in his heart. He really did miss Anna, though he had learned to deal with the fact they lived on the opposite side of the world.

"I love you too, sweets. So much it's plain ridiculous."

"Same here."

"Now, go, sleep, or whatever!"

That was exactly what Ben did. He finished up and went to bed. It didn't take long for him to fall into a deep restful sleep.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Do any of you have first date stories to tell? I would love to hear them.**

**Thank you for your time and especially thank you to Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund, and Dazzled Eyes22 for all that you do for me. You rock.**

**Remember in this story Anna is RL AnnaLund.**

**I'm on Twitter Elvirina_Nelly come find me. **

**Until next time, take care and be safe.**

**Translation.**

**Scusami, amore, è Ben. Vado di là. Dormi - Sorry, honey, I'll be over there. Sleep.**


	8. Change

**Change**

As Monday began, Ben skipped the gel once again and went with what Connor said looked good. All day he received compliments from people saying that he looked refreshed and well. Ben hadn't realized he had looked _unwell_.

The workweek was busy, while leaving little time for much else. Not that it bothered Ben. He liked a full schedule and the challenges that came with the constant meetings, auditions and evaluations of an actor's future potential. He didn't see Bree for their usual Wednesday meeting. She had cancelled without much of a reason. He had a nagging feeling something was up, but as always with Bree, she had to be willing to talk about it.

He stopped lurking like a scorned man outside the office building and decided that when he ran into Edward and Isabella, he would just deal with it. He would have to eventually anyway.

Besides that, he kept an eye on the news and what else the governor of the state was up to. After reading through Peter Hayes' platform, Ben saw gay and lesbian rights were at the very bottom of the list. It was something he neither fought for nor spoke against. Then again, this was California, and going out of your way to declare that you were against homosexuality probably wouldn't win you many votes. In another state, the situation may not have been the same.

Ben sat in his office idly pondering what good Peter Hayes would say if he knew what his son was battling. Though Connor put up a good front, it wouldn't last forever, and his charming smile would falter sooner or later.

The men didn't have much contact during the week, but the time and place had been set for the next date. When Friday came around, Ben's stomach was slowly turning into knots. He was excited and nervous, much like a kid having to cross the road alone for the first time. He decided to take a different approach to this date than he had when he met Connor for coffee. Now, he felt guilty for acting so indifferent. That wasn't him at all. So today, Ben was going to town.

Leaving work two hours early, he swung by Bloomingdales not far from his place, and bought a new dress shirt. He also picked out a pair of shoes for good measure. Dropping his shopping off at home, he made it to the hairdresser just in time.

Ben's barber blinked when he refused his usual style in favor of a slight trim to just make his hair look neat and kept, while still maintaining the length. Afterwards, he swung by the supermarket in the odd chance that he would need to serve breakfast. He wanted to be prepared.

As he was picking out a jar of the crunchy kind of peanut butter, a child called his name. Scanning the immediate area, he spotted a young girl sitting in a shopping cart swinging her legs. Ben was surprised to find it was Katie, Connor's young niece.

"Hey ya there, Katie," Ben said and smile. The girl beamed and hugged a bag of bread to her chest like a favored teddy.

"Do I know you?" A woman asked and placed herself between Ben and the shopping cart. She smiled though her gesture was primitive and protective like a mother watching over her young.

It was Lucy, Connor's sister. He had no doubt. She didn't know him, but he sure knew who she was. Lucy and Connor had the same blond hair and intense blue eyes. She was tall too and held the same pose as Connor, only in a more feminine stature. Lastly, she was pretty, very pretty.

Ben smiled, though he wanted to burst out laughing. Here, he was making sure he could fix breakfast in case he got lucky, and that breakfast would be served to none other than her brother. His throat felt a bit tight all of a sudden. What would Lucy do if she knew what was really going on? Would she understand Connor, would she be supportive when she found out about him, or would she turn her back on her brother completely and refuse to accept him for who he was? Ben knew Connor adored his sister, but what would happen when he came out?

Though there was only about three feet between them, Ben felt like the ground had split open, letting an endlessly deep gorge form between their worlds.

"Uh, no. My name is Ben. I'm friend of Connor's," he answered, while keeping to the basics.

"Oh." Her face softened and her smile was no longer tight-lipped and polite. It was honest and friendly. "It's nice to meet you, Ben."

"You, too. She's a smart girl. I only met Katie once and she remembers my name," Ben said conversationally. He wasn't sure why he kept talking. He could easily make an escape and let it be that, but he didn't.

"Thank you." Lucy smiled and cast a fond glance at the girl, who was now occupied with digging her small fingers into the soft bread. "She's like a sponge. We really have to watch what we say around her."

Ben smiled. "Yeah, little pots have big ears." He paused, pondering what to say. The thought that he had a date with this woman's brother in a few short hours was circling around in his head. "Have a nice day," he added, knowing he really should leave. There was a strange and ominous feeling to this whole situation and right now he wasn't sure how to deal with that.

"You, too." Ben smiled and looked at little Katie. "Bye now, sweet girl." He gave her small pudgy hand a light squeeze and she sent a beaming smile up at him. He loved seeing unconditional childish joy.

Ben watched from a distance as Lucy pushed the cart down the aisle chatting animatedly with Katie as she salvaged the bread. He shook his head and got on with his shopping. He pushed the incident to the back of his mind until he got the chance to tell Connor.

At home, Ben showered, groomed, shaved and was busy buttoning up the slim-fit shirt that he had just purchased and ironed. He was pretty confident that he looked good, but not overly done up. There were still about forty-five minutes until he was to meet up with Connor. As he checked his wallet for cash, Ben's phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered, already knowing it was Connor. His heart was suddenly in his mouth. If he closed his eyes, Ben could see the salt water drying on Connor's shoulders. His body stirred.

"Hey, Ben," Connor answered. Immediately, the other man's tone deflated Ben's good mood. Something was wrong. There was a long sigh on the other end of the phone. "I really hate to do this to you with such short notice, but I'm going to have to cancel.

"Oh?" Ben muttered, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. It wasn't easy. "Uhm, did something happen?"

"Yeah, you could say that. A few weeks ago, I auditioned for a part, but clearly I wasn't cast. However, the producers changed their minds. Something about the guy they originally cast isn't working out. They called me like four hours ago and offered me the part."

Ben's brows shot up. "Well, that's great."

"Yeah, it is, but that also means I'm sort of at LAX boarding a plane to Sydney, as in Sydney, Australia." Connor's tone was apologetic, but twinges of excitement leaked in. "I'm so sorry to do this."

Ben smiled to himself casting a glance in the mirror. He was literally all dressed up with no place to go. However, that didn't really matter compared to the chance Connor just got. "Oh, don't worry about me. Look at the bright side. You landed a job."

"Ever the optimist. I'll make it up to you. As soon as I can, I swear." Connor sounded repentant. Ben smiled and he couldn't deny the hope that followed in the wake of Connor's promise.

"Well, I'll look forward to that. How long will you be gone for?"

"There are some schedule conflicts at the moment that needs to be sorted out, so I'm not really sure. After Sydney, I'm going to London, so it may be a few weeks, probably more."

Ben's heart sank into his new and ridiculously expensive John Varvatos shoes. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Why did this always seem to happen every time he got his hopes up? Right now, a few weeks seemed like an eternity. "Well, good luck." It was all he could conjure up through his disappointment.

"Thanks," Connor answered hesitantly, and then he paused. His voice was quiet when he spoke up again. "I really am sorry and I meant it when I said I'll make it up to you." His voice was nothing but sincere, though Ben didn't really want to board the merry-go-round this friendship was already becoming. He wasn't naïve. When you traveled, new emotional bonds were often formed and it was exciting. Besides that, this was the film industry for crying out loud. Most actors had gone through more partners than shoes.

"Just remember to do a good job. You're very talented, Connor," Ben offered generously.

"Uhm, thanks… I think," Connor answered warily. Ben knew he wasn't fooling anyone with his discouraged mood. "Look, I have to go. They've started boarding the plane. I'll talk to you soon."

"Sure," Ben answered, though he doubted that was going to happen. He couldn't blame Connor, not at all. Getting cast was a great opportunity and he would hardly expect Connor to turn down a chance like this, just because Ben had gotten a little soft when it came to the blond man.

Moving around his apartment trying to walk off the disappointment that was slowly brewing into an ominous cloud of anger, Ben felt wretched. Restlessly, he sat down on the couch. Why was this the pattern of his life? He must have done something somewhere that made karma want to kick his ass.

He took a deep breath and decided that the fact that Connor cancelled was not the end of the world. He changed back into clothes that were less dressy. He didn't want to stay in and pretend that he wasn't sulking, so he called a friend.

"What's up?" Bree answered.

"Nothing much. Are you busy?" Ben asked.

"No, I was just making sure the remote wasn't bored," Bree smugly said.

Ben smiled, as he traced his fingers along the rim of a DVD box. "Well, _I'm_ bored. Would it be embarrassing going to the movies with an old man?" There was suddenly a lot of racket in the background and then the sound of a door slamming. "Is everything okay?" Ben asked.

Bree hesitated, but when she answered she sounded a little too chipper. "Yeah, everything is fine." She paused. "I'll keep you company. When are you picking me up?"

Ben smiled. Mission accomplished. He hadn't seen Bree all week and he had a nagging suspicion everything wasn't peachy at her house. Now, he got to see for himself.

As he parked in front of Bree's apartment building, he noticed all the lights were on in her home. He could make out a few silhouettes of people moving around behind the curtains. It took about five minutes before Bree climbed into the car.

Her make-up was, for lack of a better word, outrageous, black, and over the top. Ben didn't comment. He only smiled. "Hey, there."

"Can we go now?" Bree said without greeting Ben with more than a glare. The bag he had bought for her was slung across her chest.

"Sure," Ben answered, knowing he had to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. Bree was unhappy. It was obvious she was hurting.

Ben let her pick the movie because she deserved to make a few decisions. Besides, he was interested in lightening her mood to get her talking. It took a while before she started to thaw, but still she wasn't submitting any information of her own free will.

After the movie, Ben pushed the plate of fries across the table, offering Bree some of his when she finished her serving. "So I have something to tell you," he began.

"What's that?" she answered curtly.

"Do you remember Connor?" Ben hedged, waiting for her to take the bait. She nodded. "Well, it seems that you were right."

Slowly, a smile spread across her mouth. "You went out with him, didn't you?" she beamed. It was the first authentic and unrehearsed reaction he had seen all night. He was happy to see that sweet smile. "I knew it."

That was all it took for her mood to improve. So for the next hour, she was gloating like only a teenager could. She kept asking all sorts of questions regarding Ben's dates with Connor. Ben answered until he finally got the chance to change the subject. He tried to ignore the sting in his gut knowing that Connor would be gone for a while. He didn't tell Bree that.

"What do you mean you don't want anything for your birthday?" Ben asked, pretending the sentiment didn't hit him right in the chest. He had asked the question that all soon-to-be fifteen-year olds should be dying to talk about. "Are you having a party?"

Bree pushed her empty plate away, sat back with crossed her arms over her chest like she was cold. "What's the point? Nobody will come anyway. Besides, my mom will probably make her own little party with James. I don't want to be subjected to that."

"James?" Ben prompted. He suddenly felt an icy chill run down his spine.

Bree shrugged. "Mom's new boyfriend. It's no big deal."

"Is he around a lot?" Ben was careful asking, but he wanted to dig for details more than anything. He wanted to know who the hell _James_ was, since he was around Bree. She only answered with an indifferent glare. Ben gave her a sympathetic smile. "She's drinking again?" Bree didn't need to answer because Ben already knew what was going on. This was why she was so glum. He didn't try to make excuses for her mom nor did he try to sugarcoat the fact with a _surely your mother won't be drunk on your birthday this year_. He couldn't guarantee her anything, so Ben preferred not to make any promises. Besides, he understood what a birthday could feel like. It wasn't always a happy event.

Spending the evening with Bree had been really nice, but watching her mood plummet again as they neared her apartment tore his heart out. If he could, he would take her back to his place, make up the couch and watch over her as she slept. She deserved a good night's sleep where she didn't have to worry about her mother killing brain cells with Patrón or Grey Goose, well, it would more likely be Boone's Farm or some other cheap stuff. Lastly, Bree shouldn't have to worry about some lowlife hanging around her own home.

He pulled up to the curb. "Promise that you will call me if it gets to be too much," Ben said.

Bree snorted. "I can take care of myself."

"I know you can. You're a bright girl, but sometimes, Bree, you don't have to handle the whole world by yourself. It's okay to ask for help."

Bree looked away. "I'll see you Wednesday."

"You want me to walk you up?" Immediately, Bree shook her head and opened the door. "Wait." Ben pulled out his wallet. They hadn't gone shopping tonight and he didn't like it. It was the only way he could make sure she ate. He pulled out forty dollars. "In case you need something." Ben smirked. "Don't spend it all on fucking expensive apples."

Bree laughed, as she snatched the cash. She didn't even feign modesty. He liked that. "I'll make it count." She jumped out of the car. "Thanks, Ben," she said quietly. Ben didn't need to be thanked, but he knew those simple words were momentous to her.

He waited until she was inside the building, before he pulled away. His breathing wasn't completely even, and a good amount of anger was pooling in his stomach. Why did life have to be so unfair to her? Bree was a sweet girl. No child should ever be alone or subjected to any kind of neglect. On his way home, a thought popped into his head. Bree's mom might be at the bottom of a bottle, but he wouldn't be. He could throw her a birthday party.

Waking up the next morning, Ben felt like he hadn't closed an eye, but when he checked his phone he knew he had. Bree hadn't contacted him, but someone else had. Ben had several texts from Connor explaining things. The last one caught his eye.

**Landed safe and sound down under. I've created a Skype account, so we can talk for free. Look me up, BlondIsNotMyType. Once again, I'm sorry. Connor**

Well, at least, Connor had a sense of humor. Flinging on his god-awful sweats, Ben headed for his home office then opened his computer. Quickly, he went through the initial set up on Skype and created a login. Looking up BlondIsNotMyType, he sent an invite under the name of **HeartAndSoul**.

That opened up a whole new world of communication that he hadn't been prepared for. He wasn't normally one to chat for hours, but that changed rather quickly. He was changing into a teenage girl checking his phone every damn minute if it wasn't already attached to his ear.

"What have you been doing the last few days?" Ben asked, as he pinched the phone between his ear and his shoulder, while rinsing off a few dishes and a bowl he had from dinner. Up until now, they had merely texted, but today they had moved on to calls.

"I bought some surfing gear. I can't be in Australia and not take advantage. Two days ago, I went to Bondi beach. It was crowded, but the surf was spectacular. Yesterday, I tried Manly beach. That was killer too and it's pretty much in my backyard."

"Speaking of taking advantage, there must be some cute surfers in those places? Not that I even know what Bondi or Manly is." Ben filled in, hoping it wasn't so damn obvious that he was digging for information. He wasn't jealous, just being realistic.

Connor laughed. "I'm sure there is, but I kind of have my eye on a prize back home."

Ben almost dropped his phone into the dirty dishwater. "Is that so?" he hedged, while trying to keep his cool. This was so what he wanted to hear, but he wanted to avoid sounding desperate as a cheerleader stalking the star quarterback. They were just getting to know each other. "How is the filming going?" He opted to change the subject because it somehow felt safer.

"The last three days have been pretty good. I think I nailed my scenes. Well, I hope I did, but there's no telling yet. It makes me nervous to even think about it,"

"You nervous? That doesn't happen much."

"Are you kidding me? You were there when I asked you out, right?" Connor laughed. "That was nerves and it wasn't pretty. The people who I'm working with are so intimidating because they are so damn good at what they do. I'm such a rookie on this set."

Ben frowned, knowing that when some people knew they were good at their job, they had a tendency to get a little full of themselves and then out came the claws. "They're being nice to you, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, for the most part everyone is super cool, but I just want to do a good job and look like I belong in this movie. I don't want to look some half-assed actor, whose dad cleared the way for him."

Ben unplugged the sink, before drying his hands on the dishtowel. "I'm sure nobody thinks that. You earned the part on your own merits. You're very capable at standing on your own two feet. Don't sell yourself short by being negative."

Connor sighed. "Thanks, Ben. For some reason, I really needed to hear that."

"You're welcome. So who's not being nice?" He prodded. He hadn't missed the layers of _well, for the most part._

Connor's laugh was loud over the phone. "That obvious, huh? There's this one lady, Lauren. She's like this nagging itch that just won't go away. I try to be polite and ignore her when she gets to be too much, but the girl just doesn't have a clue. I mean, come on, she doesn't take no for an answer."

"You've been on set for all of three days and you already have women trouble. Where's this going to end?" Ben teased, before he sobered. "Most of your scenes you work with Lauren, right?" Ben asked, while trying to place the names of the cast Connor has mentioned when texting.

"Yes," Connor drawled. "Though, enough about her. She does a solid job, so who am I to bitch and moan? Uh, did I tell you that I have a personal assistant on set? I didn't know I would get one of those. Her name is Abby and she's one awesome Aussie." There was a loud commotion in the background. "Look, I'm needed on set now, so I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"I'll be here. Oh, wait. Can you give me Jess' number?" Ben asked, just as Connor was about to hang up.

"Why?" he asked.

"I want her to help with a birthday present for Bree," Ben explained. Over the last few days, an idea had been developing in his head, but he couldn't pull it off himself, so he needed Jessica to help out.

"Sure thing. I'll text it to you," Connor agreed and then he was gone for the day.

ooOoo

"I have a question for you, Connor. If you're trying so hard to not to be noticed by the media, then why did you choose acting? Let's say you make it big, then you know you'll have next to no privacy," Ben asked a few days later when he was online with Connor again. This time, he had his headset plugged in and his phone slipped into his pocket. It was so much easier. Today, he wasn't washing dishes, but folding laundry.

"That's very true. I just don't see acting as choosing the media. It's more that the paparazzi are a side effect of being an actor. To me, it's about the people and taking a step into exploring the mind of a person that you will never be in reality. _That's_ my fascination."

"Good answer," Ben complimented, while taking a stack of clothes into the bedroom. He sat down on the bed. "Any news on your schedule?" He sank his teeth into his lip. Connor had been gone a little over a week, but somehow that felt mostly like a year.

"Actually yes. I'm flying back to L.A. Friday. Then I have a week before I go to London," Connor answered. It went silent, and then it felt like Ben had the air sucked from his lungs. "I was kind of hoping that you didn't have any plans."

"None," Ben answered, while drawing in a deep breath. A warm chill swept down his spine. "I look forward to it." As Ben listened to Connor's breathing, his pulse started thudding heavily in his ear. Things had changed. Ben acknowledged his building attraction and it was physical and all male. Connor, in the flesh, was a gorgeous, but the sexiest part of him was how his mind worked. The knowledge that he had a date with Connor in five days' time created a physical need that was forcing Ben to his knees. He wanted much more than Connor's voice over the phone. Ben found himself grinding his hand into the growing itch that had developed below his waist. The additional friction felt unbelievable sweet.

"You okay?" Connor asked, his voice was suddenly lower, almost gravely.

"Yeah," he breathed and lay back on his bed. Closing his eyes for a moment, he just wanted to listen to Connor's voice. All he wanted was for him to keep talking, while he fantasized that it was Friday and Connor was sitting here, right next to him. Ben had merely begun to feel ready for something physical with Connor before he left, but he certainly was ready now. If it was up to him, they would indulge themselves in a hot and dirty round of phone sex. Ben let out a shaky breath when his hand bypassed the waistline of his pants. When was the last time that he actually got off? He couldn't even remember.

"Soon," Connor breathed on the other end of the line, like he knew exactly where Ben's hand was. The silence was dominant for minutes as Ben kept listening to the blond man's breathing. It was unexpectedly erotic that something as instinctual as a breath could turn him on. He slowly stroked himself.

"I have to go," Connor said when Ben heard the soft voice of a woman in the background.

"I'll talk to you soon," Ben answered. Lazily, he pressed the remote on the cord and peeled the buds off his headset out. He then succumbed to the yearning wrecking havoc in his body. With his eyes closed, Ben's thoughts narrowed in on Connor. He gave in to the sensation until his toes were spinning. It felt so good.

ooOoo

Ben turned the key to shut off the car. "Did you get a hold of Jess?" Connor asked.

"I did. It's all arranged. You'll be there too, right?" he asked. He got out of his car and locked up, before heading for the office building. Having his headphones plugged in, he had realized how it was surprisingly easy to go about his life while being on the phone most of the time.

"Of course. I should be back again before that," Connor answered.

"Thank you," Ben answered as he moved through the lobby and slipped into the elevator. "I can't wait to see what Bree says." The fact that he had taken it upon himself to arrange something special for her on her birthday was making him nervous. What if it was too much? What if Bree hated it? Was it a bit pretentious of him to hijack her and think he knew what she would want to do on her birthday?

On the other hand, after the last after Wednesday, he wanted more than anything to give her a nice day. Since the last two times that he had seen her, he had felt horribly empty and so powerless. He wanted so much to help her and take action, so Bree would be removed from her home, but he couldn't do that. He would separate Bree from her mother and that was the only thing she didn't want. Though her mother was drinking like a fish these days, he couldn't take the last speck of joy in her life away from her, so his choice was to add to it. Bree's mother was welcome to join them, but in case she was drinking, which was likely, the girl wouldn't have to spend her birthday alone watching her mom down hard liquor like it was pop.

"She'll love it."

Ben smiled, thankful for the boost of confidence. Then, he fished his phone out of his pocket. "I have to go. I'm at work." With that, another conversation that had lasted throughout the morning ended. Winding up his headphones to slip them into his pocket, he spotted Isabella staring up at him.

Tongue-tied, he noticed Edward was right behind her. Okay, this was it. This was the day he had dreaded. Since that fateful night with Edward, he hadn't been in the same room as his former lover. Time had passed, wounds had healed and the pain seemed less hurtful. Looking right back at them, Ben had nothing to say. However, what was more important was he didn't really feel anything. There was no sharp pain and no envy that Edward's hand was around Isabella's in the shadows between their bodies. Ben felt no anger that he had been dumped for this woman, whose eyes looked much his own. For the most part, he was indifferent.

"Good morning," Ben said politely.

"Good morning," they simultaneously answered. That was it. It really was, except that Edward looked mostly like he had accidentally shot Ben in the stomach.

_Oh, please._

In his office, Ben set about his day as if nothing happened.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Do you think that was it with Edward? How about Connor, is he for real? Tell me what you think, lovelies. If you have met the one, was it love at first sight? **

**As always thank you to AnnaLund, Chartwilightmom and Dazzled Eyes22. They make this story worth reading and I couldn't do it without them.**

**Next chapter shouldn't be too far down the road.**

**See you soon.**


	9. Complication

**Complication**

On the set in Sydney, Australia, Connor was doing the best he could because to him there was no other way about it. If he was on a job, there was no doing it half-assed. It just wasn't his style. However, that didn't mean he particularly enjoyed the situation with his co-star. Lauren Mallory seemed to take pleasure in the situation a tad too much and more than once she had been fairly close to actually crossing the line of gross moral turpitude, if you could even call it that given the situation. The fact that Connor didn't utter a single protest about the task at hand was simply because this was a job he wanted to do well, no matter the lack of personal interest.

"Thank you!" someone called into a bullhorn over the set.

As soon as Connor pulled back and sat on his haunches, his personal assistant, Abby, handed him a robe to cover up. Unlike Lauren, she had not once ogled him, even though she had had the chance more than once.

"Thanks," Connor answered and covered himself up. He was naked and his junk was barely covered by a handkerchief. That measly piece of cloth was used to keep him from the bare woman lying on her back beneath him.

"That's a wrap."

Connor drew a sigh of relief. His back was aching and he was dog-tired, but above all he was hungry. Dawn was fast approaching and the shoot had lasted all damn night. Connor took a moment to roll his shoulders, trying to get rid of some tension, meanwhile Lauren finally had the decency to cover up. To Connor, it was more than enough that he had to pretend to like her on screen because in reality her personality was just about as warm as a cup of ice chips. On top of that, gyrating, dry-humping, and kissing her for hours gave him about as much pleasure as making out with a box of toothpicks. He was glad the scene was finally done.

Lauren smiled up at him, and her eyes were hungry in a way he didn't particularly appreciate. "That was fun." By her sickly sweet tone, he knew she meant it.

"It's going to be nice to get some sleep," Connor answered politely to avoid even commenting on her assumption. He moved further away from her efficiently cutting her off from _accidentally_ touching him again. It wasn't that he felt violated because the scene they had been working on was supposed to be passionate. Well, it was meant to look like that on screen, but the reality was it felt just about as erotic as a poke in the eye to Connor. The set was crowded with people, there was no privacy whatsoever, and women just weren't his thing. Everyone was professional, except perhaps from Lauren.

"Oh, don't be a buzzkill. We're going to go get some breakfast," she said. It wasn't a question, but an assumption. This was what he disliked about her. She didn't ask. She assumed.

"Sorry, no can do. I have plans with Abby," he cut her off. He looked at his personal assistant.

When Abby had first been assigned to him, Connor didn't exactly understand why he needed an assistant. He was perfectly capable of getting his own coffee… okay tea, laundry and whatever else he needed. What he hadn't expected was to make a friend. Abby was nothing like Lauren. She was soft spoken, considerate and funny underneath her obvious shyness. She was about ten years older than him, married to a man who was stationed in Afghanistan for the time being and she had the cutest Aussie accent.

She offered a small smile as agreement, and Lauren glowered at her with eyes like nails.

Connor stood, quickly saying goodnight to the rest of the cast. Most of them were going straight to bed, since they had been up all night. This was his final scene in Australia, and then he was going back to L.A. for a week. After that, he was traveling to London. Finishing the film wasn't at the forefront of his mind, but going back home was, or more importantly, going back to see Ben was… The mere thought sent a shiver of excitement through his gut. Ben…

"Are you still okay for that run?" Connor asked when they were in his trailer. Abby sat down going over some notes and details for the movie. She always had everything memorized down to the last detail. As Connor slipped off his robe, she didn't even look up. Connor stepped into the tiny shower where he could barely fit and turned the water on. His body was covered in glycerin to make it look like he was sweating while filming, even though it was June, which was winter in Sydney. He had been freezing all night.

"Sure," Abby shrugged. Two weeks ago, she had carefully asked Connor for a few pointers on how to go about getting in shape. She looked mostly like she didn't expect him to answer her. Connor had quickly learned that he needed to find something to occupy his mind with, so he wouldn't think about Ben every damn second. He was driving himself crazy remembering how Ben smiled, the tenor of Ben's voice, the set of Ben's neck or even how Ben smelled. Mmm, Ben's scent… the mixture of body wash, and a specific brand of cologne that he couldn't quite place simply had Connor stuck on stupid. He had been close to Ben several times now and every time he had to really rein himself in, so he wouldn't bury his face in the crook of Ben's neck and inhale deeply until it felt like his lungs would burst. His scent was just so masculine and downright sexy. _Ben the Hottie_.

As it were, Connor was daydreaming again. He had it bad and he knew it. That was the main reason Connor had taken it upon himself to teach the sweet girl a few things on working out now that he was here. Since then, they had become friends and he was occupied for a while. However, there were always those lonely times when he was alone in bed trying to fall asleep.

After a quick shower, they were off. Connor set his watch for five minutes running and two minutes walking. This was the level Abby was at, but Connor didn't break much of a sweat. However, this way, they were able to cover two miles. Abby was making a lot of progress and all she needed was a bit of motivation.

They sat down dog tired at a small café close to Manly Corso, where there was a view of the pine trees and the beach. Abby sat next to him, wiping sweat from her forehead with her sleeve.. It was a chilly June morning.

"Lauren is a real piece of work," Abby said absentmindedly, her eyes running the page of the laminated menu.

"You noticed," Connor drawled. He stared at the ocean, desperately longing to go out there and just lose himself in the waves for a few hours, but he didn't have the time today.

"The entire set noticed. She's not subtle nor is she quiet. I heard she told her make-up artist it wasn't going to be hard to pretend last night because she already had the real deal." She still pretended to be studying the menu, though her eyes were a little wary.

Connor choked on his tongue. "You have got to be kidding me."

Abby shook her head. "Sadly no, but I know it's not true."

Connor drew a sigh of relief, while his stomach snarled. He was hungry, but that could be ignored compared to the lies _sloppy_ Lauren was spreading like a disease. In his head, he nicknamed her sloppy because that was exactly how she kissed. Ever since the first time he had to kiss her, her performance hadn't improved. After an entire night of having her wet tongue stuck down his throat, she still hadn't gotten any better. She was just too dominant and her mouth wasn't soft. It was filled with tension and felt rigid. The thought of her sloppy tongue could almost make him lose his appetite. Almost.

"How do you know for sure?" Connor probed, giving Abby a snide smile.

She put her menu down. "You try to hide it, but you can't stand her. What I can't seem to figure out is you. I have a gut feeling you're seeing someone at home, but what I don't get is why you never talk about it. God knows you talk about everything else."

Connor's throat was suddenly arid. He was parched and he wished the waiter had been by so he knew drinks were on their way. "What makes you say that?" he managed to say.

"Mostly all the phone calls," she answered. Her tone was friendly. "…And you daydream… like a teenage girl with a crush." She smiled sweetly. For the most part, he had gotten used to Abby's Aussie accent, but once in a while he noticed it, mostly when he was trying to distract himself from his train of thought.

Right then, the waiter finally interrupted. Connor ordered a large freshly squeezed orange juice and some tea. That should quench his thirst. Abby went for a strawberry smoothie.

"What are you going to do for the next week?" Connor asked after the orders had been placed. He needed to change the subject.

"Nuh uh, you don't get to weasel yourself out of this one. Are you seeing someone?"

Connor fought his smile, but secretly he enjoyed the tingle spreading through his gut. He shrugged as if indifferent, when he was anything but. He was so going back home, and he was finally going to see Ben. He missed Ben. He couldn't count how many times he had regretted not trying to steal a kiss. He could easily have done it the last time they saw each other.

Two weeks ago, despite his own feelings, he had wanted to give Ben a little bit of space. Connor didn't want to scare him off by being too pushy. He knew he had the tendency to be like a bull in a china shop if he wanted something. He had opted to tread carefully and he was paying for that now. It wasn't because Connor didn't want to kiss Ben. Hell no! Had it been up to him, they would have rumbled the sheets the day they went skydiving. What Connor was having a hard time getting past was that Ben's ex was possibly still lurking around somewhere. An infuriating thought, but something he had chosen to accept—for now.

Connor checked his phone. There was no message, but it was only a few hours since they last spoke. However, he still hoped.

"You're daydreaming again," Abby whispered teasingly.

Connor snapped back into focus. His eyes meeting her steely gray look. It wasn't that he actually owed her an answer, more that he had made a promise to himself. If things with Ben developed into something serious, which was something he hoped for with every single cell in his body, then he was coming out, no matter the price. Ben was the sort of man who deserved the best of everything and a life in hiding just wasn't good enough for him.

During the last few weeks, Connor had had a lot of time to think and the conclusion he came up with every single time was that he wanted Ben. He wanted the companionship that a relationship offered and he wanted that with Ben. It was exactly like his sister had said. Connor didn't want to be alone. He wanted and longed to be with someone, well not just someone. He wanted to be with Ben badly.

"Yeah, I'm kind of seeing someone," Connor answered. As he confessed, he felt the urge to squirm, like a worm on a hook. He forced himself to keep eye contact with Abby, though he wanted to look away. This wasn't easy. Slowly, he realized that perhaps this could be considered a test run. What would her reaction be? Would it be the same to tell his family? Mentally, Connor snorted. _No, it wouldn't._

Her small mouth pulled into a smile. "Kind of?"

Connor shrugged. "It's still very new."

"I see," she said brightly. "…But you're interested?"

Hell yes! "Yeah," he answered slowly again without really revealing anything. His heart was pounding, which made his hands tremble. The waiter appeared placing their drinks on the table. Connor took a huge grateful gulp of his orange juice. This wasn't like telling Jessica because he knew beforehand that she wouldn't resent him for it. With Abby, he had no clue. She was very nice, but what were her views on men kissing men?

He pulled out his phone pulling up the one picture he had of Ben. He had taken it in secret on the Sunday he came down to the beach. He handed the phone to Abby, leaving sweaty marks on the screen. His palms were suddenly wet.

"She's pretty. Nice smile," Abby commented, while taking a careful sip of her smoothie while appraising the photo.

Just then, Connor realized Jess was in the picture, too. Keeping his gaze level on Abby, while his breathing was slightly uneven, he spoke up again. "It's not the woman."

Something went down Abby's windpipe, and she started spluttering. It took a moment to recover, but then she stared at him wide eyed. "Are you joking?" Connor shook his head pensively, like he expected the woman to slap him. "But you're not…" she snapped her mouth closed.

"I'm not what?"

Abby swallowed tightly, while choosing her words more carefully, it seemed. "You're probably the most masculine guy I've ever met," she said as if that would explain the whole ordeal.

"So?" He quirked a brow.

"You're really gay? I didn't know that," she answered when her tone evened out. She looked back quietly, and there was no judgment in her eyes. Connor drew one major sigh of relief. Could it really be that easy?

"Nobody knows, Abby."

She waved him off with a gesture of her hand that said it all. She wasn't about to tell anyone. Then she took a studious look at the picture again. "He's really hot," she chirped approvingly a moment later.

The tension in Connor's chest dissolved. He threw her a snide smile. "I know, right."

"Is he coming to London with you?"

Connor shook his head. "He has work and I'm not sure I would be able to focus if he was within a hundred mile radius of me." He smiled. "You ready to go to London?"

"Yup. I can't wait to go."

Connor nodded. He couldn't imagine going without her. She was a star. Things magically just got done without Connor having to ask. His phone was always charged, food was ordered and costumes returned to their rightful place. All things that needed to be done and that Connor actually was capable of doing himself were always taken care of.

Sitting at the quiet café and watching the morning traffic, Connor didn't shut up about Ben. All his pent up excitement was unleashed. Finally, he could just let go and share his excitement with someone. It felt so liberating.

Connor was back in his hotel room where his bags were almost packed when there was a knock on his door. Opening it, he found one of the producer assistants waiting in the hall. "I'm sorry this is so last minute, but there's been a change of plans," he said in his no-nonsense way. "You're flying directly to London."

Connor frowned, yet the news wasn't really sinking in. He was flying to L.A. in four hours, right?

When Connor closed the door to his room, he plopped down on his bed fucking livid. He wasn't going home anymore. No, he was going straight to London to film his next scenes in about a day. After clenching and unclenching his fists to control his anger and frustration, he was frantic for some way to change the situation. However, it was hopeless. Connor wasn't going home to see the man that made his head swim. No, he was going to have to cancel again.

The next three weeks were going to be unbearable.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Uhh… I think I'm going to duck and hide. Should I?**

**Now, a penny for your thoughts? Do you like Connor, because I sure do. He makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. *Smirks***

**Thank you to those of you who commented and made me feel loved.**

**As always, thank you to these three lovely ladies. Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund, Dazzled Eyes22. You rock my world.**

**See you when I post the next chapter. **


	10. Release

**Release**

Ben was pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He couldn't remember the last time he was this nervous or excited, or whether it was a mixture of both. He had barely slept the night before. He had been tossing and turning, while constantly thinking about Connor and their pending date. He was so restless it mostly felt like the bed had fleas. Though he was excited beyond words, he was quite tired.

Things had developed in a way Ben had never expected. Connor had turned out to be exactly what he needed. The blond man had been a friend and a loyal support when his world was shaking under his feet and he could hardly keep his balance. Connor had made the effort to be there for him and talk to him, when in reality he didn't need to be. That was what Ben saw in retrospect and it was part of the reason why he was so nervous. Connor was making his head swim. Ben thought his heart was completely closed off, but Connor had weaseled his way in and had become a good friend with the potential and hope that he might be more. Once again, life had thrown Ben a curveball. It wasn't a bad one this time, but one that could potentially leave him shattered all over again.

He rechecked himself in the mirror for the hundredth time. He was so ready for this date. He was shaved, groomed and trimmed in all the places that it mattered, just like the last time.

A knock on the door made Ben's stomach do a triple somersault. His vision blurred for a second and the excitement made him felt a bit sick to his stomach. It was almost too much to bear. He squeezed his hands hard into fists for a moment before he opened the door.

Okay, his perspective had definitely changed. He was so into blonds now.

"Hey, stranger. Glad to see you're home safe from the outback," Ben said, hoping his voice didn't sound as unsteady as it felt to him.

Connor smirked, looking a little rugged as he leaned casually against the doorjamb. "FYI, Sydney is not the outback, but it's good to be back, while it lasts." Connor moistened his lower lip, giving Ben a long sultry look. "It's great to see you." Ben took a steadying breath as it felt like he was trembling all over.

"You, too."

Without thinking or they were thinking the very same thing, the men embraced each other with brute strength. Ben pressed his face to Connor's neck, savoring the slight graze of stubble to his temple. It was everything he had dreamed of, and perhaps a little more.

Ben had his eyes closed as he relished the moment and the physical contact. From somewhere deep inside, a feeling of dejection washed over Ben. He opened his eyes and peered over Connor's shoulder. There was a small backpack placed at the door. "What do you mean, 'while it lasts?'" he murmured against Connor's neck. He pulled back, looking into his sad blue eyes.

"Er… I need to go to London on the early flight. I'm actually just on a layover. I have twelve hours. The schedule conflicts that I mentioned were solved, but then again not so much. My scenes were moved up a week. I was just told this morning, uh, night here. Okay? I lost track of time—literally—sorry, I didn't' have time to tell you."

Ben smiled softly, while trying not to feel so damn disappointed. Connor was supposed to be here for a week. "So you're here for a few hours basically?" Ben really had hoped for a wee bit more time than that.

"Pretty much."

"You don't want to see your family?" Ben asked with uncertainty. Since their coffee date, he had learned just how tight Connor was with his family. They were a real family where dinners, birthdays and opinions mattered.

"I'd rather see you." Connor's blue eyes were soft and kind as he studied him like he could almost read Ben's discomfort. Then, like a teenager with a huge crush, which wasn't far from the truth, Ben smiled an all-teeth goofy grin. "Actually, they have no idea that I'm in L.A." Connor laughed at Ben's obvious confusion. "I told my mom I did what the executives told me to do, which was to fly to London. I will get there eventually, just a few hours later than planned."

Ben frowned. "I'm not following."

Connor touched his cheek, as his thumbs ran over Ben's skin. It felt electrifying. "I told you I have a wicked assistant. Abby is the one who cooked up the entire scheme. I _accidentally_ missed my flight with a layover in Bangkok, in favor of the next flight with a layover in L.A. Turns out Sydney traffic can be a bitch." Connor smirked.

Ben's throat started to go dry as he put the facts together. "Are you telling me that you just flew seven thousand miles just to see _me_… for a few hours?" he choked out.

Connor stepped closer. "I really wanted to see you and we have a date. So yeah, I came to see you."

"Wow." Ben managed as the enormity of the whole scene was settling between them. For so many years, he had been the one always going out of his way to be there for someone else, to never to be a problem, to be the most likable person, and _always_ make someone else the priority. Ben felt a bit like someone had yanked out the rug from under him. Connor was showing him that _he_ was the priority. That was clear as day and it felt utterly overwhelming.

Connor was emanating a masculine and alluring scent. It was clear that he hadn't just jumped out of a shower because the stubble on his jaw was more than a few hours old. "I missed you." He leaned his forehead to Ben's, while putting his hands on his shoulders.

Grasping the sudden hope that was blooming in his stomach, Ben stopped digging in his heels for a moment and he just let himself feel and reciprocate what it was that Connor so clearly was sending out. "I missed you, too."

Connor's hands on him were strong and gentle at the same time, almost like a stable platform in the middle of a choppy sea. It felt safe. Ben was soothed by Connor's light touch and he willingly moved closer knowing what was to come. This was what he had dreamed of all night long. Curious as to what the blond man's mouth would feel like against his own, Ben cocked his head to the side. With soft lips, Connor expertly added the right amount of pressure, sweetness and reverence to make it a perfect first kiss.

Ben's knees went soft. Slowly, he kissed Connor back sweet and polite and just barely letting his tongue touch the other man's bottom lip. He bit back a whimper and took a precious second to get his excitement under control.

Connor kept his eyes closed and a small smile teased his lips. "I've been fantasizing about doing that for two weeks solid." He opened his eyes. "Was it okay that I did that?"

Ben smiled and palmed the side of Connor's face. It wasn't like he hadn't been begging for it. With his fingers, Ben logged the shape of Connor's strong square jaw and the contours of his cheekbone into his memory. He had such a handsome face. He'd grown to miss that face. "Perfect, but before we get ahead of ourselves, maybe we should have some dinner," Ben said, because if they stayed one second longer in his apartment, clothes would be removed and he wanted to prolong this enthralling feeling a little bit longer. Later, they could focus on some spending some _quality_ time together.

ooOoo

Connor leaned back in his seat at the restaurant with his hands resting on his stomach. "Oh, I had a few girlfriends, well, all through high school if we're being honest," he answered Ben's question.

Ben looked back a bit shocked, then he raised his brows. "I know there's a story there. Do tell." He took a slow sip of his wine. They were finishing dinner at a local steakhouse. The fact that Connor wasn't out of the closet never escaped Ben's mind, and he did his best to just look like a couple of friends sharing dinner, as opposed to what was really going on.

"There is a story. My problem in school was that I was a jock, and I always have been. Now imagine what your teammates would think if they knew you were queer and caught you sneaking a peek at their junk. Punishment would undeniably be a beating and then they would ostracize you."

"So original," Ben muttered, before adding an eye roll for sympathy. Connor smiled.

"Well, most jocks aren't famous for their wits, I agree. However, that's where girlfriends came in. I hid behind them. They were a vessel to pretending I'm someone that I'm not, but I kept the girls at arm's length. Once in a while, the rumor that I was gay would surface around school and to deflect any suspicion, I would have a new girl on my arm. I know it's a shitty thing to do, but in many ways high school is survival of the fittest. Where I went to school, there were a few guys that were out, but they were harassed. I did what I could to stop it, but it was like swimming against the current. Besides at sixteen, you're pretty much terrified to out yourself. Even seven years later -" Connor snorted cynically, "- I'm still not ready to face it."

Ben wanted to lean across the table and take Connor's hand, so he could show the other man the support he deserved, but that wasn't possible at this moment. The place was too crowded. Connor and especially his father weren't exactly nobodies in the community. "You can't force something like that. You always have the power of choice, Connor."

Connor gave him a dubious look across the table. "Doesn't it bother you to go out, hiding like this and not to just be who we are? You crossed this bridge years ago."

Ben smiled softly. "It's not a problem for me at all. Don't even think about it," he placated.

There was a moment of silence before Connor let out a long breath. "I definitely shouldn't eat this much."

Ben grinned, when recalling the food fest Connor had submitted himself to. The man could eat. "Well, no one forced you." He sat still just watching Connor from across the table. Ben couldn't even describe how good it felt to see him and have these conversations face to face. Even though it was only for a few hours, Ben gladly took what he could get for now. Connor yawned one that followed several others and his eyes were getting bloodshot. "Just how tired are you?"

Connor held up his hand. "I'm fine, really."

"No, you're not. You're exhausted."

"I'm not good at sleeping on airplanes." He waved his hand dismissively. "Besides, I'd rather spend the hours that I have talking with you and not sleeping."

Ben smiled. "You got on a plane going halfway around the world just to spend a few hours with me. I think that pretty much says it all. Come on, let's go back to my place and you can have a nap."

Connor leaned forward again. His blue eyes were more than intrigued and peaked with interest. "That's a proposal I can't turn down." His smile was slow and sultry. "I'll just use the bathroom and then we can go."

Ben nodded, while feeling those tingles run amuck in the pit of his stomach. He really meant what he said about Connor catching some shut-eye, but Ben tried to push the idea that something else might happen to the back of his mind. Sure, he wasn't really interested in just sex, but his body still had a mind of its own. Ben couldn't help but wonder if he kissed Connor when they got home, would he be able to taste the coke on his tongue that he had had with dinner? How would Connor's hands feel wandering along his spine and down to his ass, while delicately shaping his palms over the curve? Running his fingers along the rim of his wineglass, Ben idly toyed with the idea of how this gorgeous man would feel inside of him. If that simple kiss back at his apartment was any indication, then he was really going to savor the connection building between them. His pants suddenly felt too tight.

Just as Ben tried not to let his mind run away with fantasies about the two of them, he noticed Connor's phone, which was left on the table, blinked with an incoming text. Ben tried not to look, but he still caught the name and a few words. Dread took over his mind.

Connor never mentioned anyone by the name of Drew, and the text said it all.

**Get that magnificent cock over here and fuck me. Once again, I'm sorry.**

Ben looked down, feeling like an absolute moron. Why had he let his heart and mind run off with him again? God, he was so stupid. That fucking annoying hindsight was 20/20. Connor was simply to perfect to be true.

Fishing his wallet out of his pocket, Ben counted up a few bills and threw them on the table. Before he could escape unnoticed, Connor was back. "I was going to get that," he countered when he saw the money.

Beyond tired and fed up with life metaphorically screwing him over, Ben hardly even looked up, but he kept his voice down. "Don't bother. Look Connor, just… I can't do this. I don't know how it is for you, but I'm over the fucking around and getting my dick wet at every turn. I like monogamy and I need people in my life that I can trust." He shoved his wallet in his pocket again and turned to leave.

"What the hell happened?" Connor called after him.

"Check your phone," Ben replied over his shoulder. He just wanted to be anywhere than here. Outside of the restaurant, Ben got his keys out and unlocked his car. Connor caught up to him.

"Please, just listen to me."

Ben's mood was suddenly foul, but he wasn't the type to start spewing venom. "It's okay, Connor. I've been where you are. I understand the need to just go with the flow, date guys and get everything out of your system. You're young," he said dismissively.

Connor gave him an appalled look. "Don't give me that crap. I'm only three years younger than you. Would you just listen to me?"

Ben ripped the car door open and was ready to get in when Connor threw it closed again. With eyes burning and a low intense voice, he spoke. "Look, I get you, Ben. I know you got dealt a shitty hand in life. I know you have times when you struggle. I know you got screwed by Edward."

Ben was blinded by his sudden fury, but tried unsuccessfully to reel it in. He cut Connor off. "Exactly. I was honest with you, so why the hell didn't you tell me about Drew?"

"Well, there's nothing to tell. I haven't seen Drew for four weeks, and when I did it was just sex. He keeps texting me, but I never answer." Ben looked Connor straight in the eye and really wanted to doubt his sincerity. He wanted to tell Connor to get lost and that he never wanted to see him again. Ben really didn't want to be so open and vulnerable.

Connor clearly wasn't giving up, "Just give me a chance, okay? I messed up. I should have told you about him, but Drew's water under the bridge."

Ben nodded, feeling sick of always being the understanding individual, but true to nature, nothing changed with the blink of an eye. "What happened with him?"

"Nothing much. Like you said, he was a man I was with to get it out of my system. We had sex. That's it. After a while, he sort of became a little too interested in the fact that my family is wealthy. We got into a fight about it and I haven't seen him since. I have no idea why he texted me tonight. I swear that's the truth. Please Ben, don't let him ruin tonight. It's nothing. He means nothing to me." Connor gently put his hand on Ben's face. "Please believe me?" he implored.

As much as Ben wanted to drown in Connor's touch, this was way to public and he wasn't protecting himself. "Be careful, Connor. The city has eyes." Instantly, the blond man seemed to remember himself and he dropped his hand. "I really don't want to believe you," Ben muttered. He hesitated, knowing he was a fool for trusting Connor right now. "Get in the car and let's go."

Connor didn't hesitate to get in the passenger's side. Strapping himself in, he focused on his phone for a moment and then he put it to his ear. Ben started up the engine, before pulling out of the parking lot.

"Hey, Drew. It's Connor," the blond man said casually. Instantly, shock ran down Ben's spine like an ice-cold shower. "I'm good… No worries about that… about that text, that's why I called actually. I can't see you again… no, Drew, it's not about what you said…" Connor glanced sideways, catching Ben's stunned stare. He smirked, while giving Ben one long sultry look. "I've started seeing someone."

Ben's heart was beating furiously in his chest. He felt almost like he was drunk, yet he had had one glass of wine with dinner.

"Yeah." Connor laughed at some random comment that Ben couldn't hear. "You too. Take care, man." There was no rancor in his tone and there didn't seem to be any on the other end of the line either. Connor hung up.

Ben was sitting stock and staring. "I can't believe you just did that." Objectively, that was so inappropriate, but he chose not to comment.

"It seemed like the easiest way to get rid of that little problem between us," Connor deadpanned. In many ways, Connor was the most assertive man Ben had ever met and he could only admire that.

Ben put on the indicator to make a left turn towards his place when it was clear. "You know, if I hadn't changed my mind about blonds, what you just said to that guy would be pressure and a half."

Connor snickered. "You changed your mind about blonds?"

Ben smirked, feeling the tension in the car starting to ease. "I might have."

Neither of them questioned whether Connor should come inside at Ben's place. He just did. The fact that some things were just assumed between them hadn't escaped Ben's attention. "You want some tea?" Ben asked.

"Only if you're having some," Connor answered, before sliding his fingers over Ben's staggering movie collection. "Have you worked on any of these?" he asked.

Ben nodded. "Bottom shelf." Connor crouched down to the less extensive part of the collection. "I have to confess that I haven't seen any of these."

Ben laughed, pushing down the switch on the kettle. "I wouldn't have expected it."

"Oh wait! I've seen this. My sister forced me. I'm sorry, but it bored me to tears."

"I figured. I'm taking you for an action man," he said as he sauntered over to where Connor was getting up again. In the confines of his apartment, it was impossible to escape the masculine scent and the intense presence of the man who was making his head spin.

"Action, indeed," Connor consented. His words sound so full of promise and were just dripping with heat. Ben could only admit that they definitely had chemistry and a connection that was potentially red hot and smoldering.

Connor's imposing physique was like a beacon for Ben as the two men just stared at each other. Okay, he had promised Anna that he wasn't going for a looker this time, but she was just going to have to cut him some slack. With that handsome face, boyish smile and intense blue eyes, he had to be the hottest guy Ben had ever seen. Every cell in Ben's body was standing at attention as he sat down on the arm of the couch.

"I think I just forgot about the tea," Connor murmured, before reaching out dragging his thumb over Ben's slightly parted lips. He couldn't help but gently bite the pad of the blond man's finger. Like the most natural thing in the world, Connor cradled Ben's face in his hands. His closeness was dizzying.

Ben closed his eyes, while leaning his face up and greeting Connor's mouth with a kiss. This time, it didn't stay within the frames of a polite kiss, but developed into a searing hot open-mouthed lip lock where. It didn't take long for a low groan to build in the back of Ben's throat.

Connor pulled back slightly, with his blue eyes drifting to Ben's mouth. "Where the hell did you learn to kiss like that?" he asked. He licked his lips.

Ben smirked, finding himself absolutely seduced. He hooked a finger into the collar of Connor's shirt. "Kiss me again and someday I might tell you."

Connor smirked, but he took Ben's request seriously, very seriously. As their kiss deepened, Ben slipped back on the couch. He landed on his back with Connor leaning over him. The blond man started opening the buttons of Ben's shirt and yanking it from his pants.

Ben savored the smooth skin of Connor's back as his hands traveled under his shirt. Connor was so perfectly proportioned. His skin tanned and positively flawless under Ben's exploring fingers. That body was like a fantasy land where he could just lose himself for hours and hours.

After pushing Ben's shirt open, Connor's pace seemed to slow. It was a little unexpected, but not unwelcome. Ben had known his fair share of men who went straight for the zipper of his pants, but Connor just kept running his hands over Ben's stomach and chest. The feeling of those surprisingly gentle hands combined with the constant slipping and sliding of their mouths was such a turn on. Ben had lost his breath a long time ago, but he couldn't find the will to break away from Connor's lips molded to his. He simply felt too good. Ben felt like a fever was rising now that he was trapped between the couch and Connor.

Out of desperation more than will, Ben broke their kiss. He urgently needed air in his lungs, so he moved to Connor's neck using his tongue to drive wet circles over the warm skin. He was rewarded with a low moan. Connor ran his fingers through the smatter of hair at the center of Ben's chest. "I like this."

Ben chuckled, before putting his hand over Connor's. "So do I."

Connor bit the inside of his cheek, while looking wide-eyed down at Ben trapped beneath him. "Is it okay, if we just chill for tonight?"

Ben frowned. "Uhm, sure. There's no rush," he answered, though just about every cell in his body would disagree with him. Ben wasn't particularly interested in stopping. Everything felt too good.

"I'm just exhausted." Connor shrugged vaguely.

"I can see that," Ben answered, while running his thumb under one of Connor's eyes. The blond started placing soft and small kisses on Ben's mouth.

Deep in Ben's pocket, a vibration went off. Connor let out a cheeky grin, as he grinded himself into it. It was abundantly clear that Connor was deliciously hard. Ben pondered why he wanted to stop. "This feels kind of good." He cocked a brow. Ben didn't bite back the loud groan. God, this man was sexy. Would he go to hell for wanting a little bit of action right now?

Connor pulled back, giving as little space as needed between them so he could playfully dig his hand into Ben's pocket. He pulled out the phone. "Now what does Aro want with you at this hour?" he asked.

Ben took the phone as his heart was pounding in his chest. He silenced it and threw it aside. "I haven't got a clue," he murmured totally disinterested and he wasn't about to find out.

Connor put his head down, while resting on Ben's shoulder. They were silent for a moment as he kept stroking Ben's chest. It was hard to miss that something was on Connor's mind because it was like the man had gone somewhere else. "Are you sure you don't mind sneaking around like this?" Connor suddenly asked.

Ben reached up and ran his fingers through Connor's hair. It was surprisingly thick and silky. "I understand that coming out is complicated for you. I thought we went over this."

"Yeah."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Connor answered with that distracting hand still mapping out Ben's chest. Oh, it felt good.

"How come you don't resent your family? I don't think I would be able to still have such a strong bond with them knowing that their views on who you are will be negative once they find out?"

"It's not always easy, but I love my parents. They've always had my back and loved my sister and me unconditionally. They have never given me reason to dislike them, even though they don't approve of homosexuality. Though, it's never been anything we really discussed at my house. They are never rude or disrespectful, because they ignore the subject completely." Connor snorted. "I might have been able to come out in my teens, but it's just harder now with my father and his job. I'm afraid it will ruin him and everything he has built over the years. I just can't do that. My father being a Republican and the Governor of this state creates a bit of a stick in the wheel when I even consider coming out."

Ben sighed, relishing the warmth of Connor's hand on his stomach. "I get that, but you can't live in your father's shadow forever."

"I know, but for now, it's the lesser of two evils," the blond man answered with some degree of melancholy. Connor raised his head again leaning in for another kiss. To Ben, it felt like all his joints became unhinged, and their mouths seemed to know exactly how to move together. It was effortless. Ben closed his eyes, before succumbing to the weight pressing him down, the hand that moved over his skin and the mouth that so expertly took his breath away.

Connor pulled back. "Do you have any idea how nice this feels?"

"I have a pretty clear picture," Ben answered, while his heart was pounding. This wasn't how the show was supposed to go at all. Connor was supposed to be a passing figment in his life, not one that made him drunk with excitement.

Ben closed his eyes, while savoring how the pads of Connor's fingers traveled from his collarbone, along the path of his ribs and down to his hip. A feeling of relaxation swamped him and he didn't fight it as it washed over him. Connor nuzzled into the crook of his neck and was breathing deeply.

The breath that fanned across Ben's chest was rhythmical as it came and went over and over again. Slowly, he became aware of the warm body that was pressing him down. Peeling one eye open before blinking forcefully to clear the dry crusty feeling of sleep from his eyes, Ben realized they had both fallen asleep on his couch. He had been completely out for—he lifted his free hand to check the time—hours. It was almost three in the morning.

Becoming slightly more alert, he remembered Connor mentioning something about a morning flight.

"Hey," Ben called softly and gently ran his hand down Connor's back. The blond man's face was on his shoulder, snuggled up under his chin. Connor's breathing changed. "When was your flight?"

Connor stretched against him, as he tried to roll his shoulders. "At seven," he grumbled. He propped to one elbow, while twisting Ben's wrist to check the time on the dark haired man's watch. "Well, at least, I didn't oversleep." Lazily, he put his head down once more, nuzzling up under Ben's chin again. "Right now, I really don't want to go to London. I'm entirely too comfortable to move." Connor hugged Ben tighter, though they were already tangled like seaweed.

Ben smiled to himself, digging his fingers into the short crop of Connor's thick hair. It was so soft and dense.

Connor resumed that sweet caressing of Ben's chest. His hand was so gentle moving over his skin. Slowly with his index finger, Connor followed the line of a slim pale scar on Ben's tawny skin across his ribs. "What happened here?"

"I fell on my bike when I was like seven. I scraped the hell out of my elbows and knees too, not to mention the abrasions on the side of my face. That is where I caught the handlebar. It left a pretty nasty gash."

"Sounds like you took quite a spill," Connor said, while running his fingers along the puckered line.

"I did. I don't think I rode my bike for a month after that."

Connor chuckled and hooked his arm around Ben's chest. "As much as I really want to just stay here and cuddle, I really need to get moving."

Ben sighed. What he wanted to do was to get off this couch and go snuggle up in bed. Right now, their feet were dangling off the end of the couch, and there wasn't much space for one person, let alone two. Ben's hands roamed down over Connor's back, following the contours of that gorgeous body.

"I'll fix you some breakfast. You want to take a shower?" Ben offered, knowing that time was ticking.

Connor peeked up and smiled. "Sounds great. You really know how to take care of a man."

Ben felt his face heat at the praise. "It's nothing. Take a shower. Towels are in the cabinet behind the door." He leaned in placing a slow soft kiss on Connor's mouth. The blond parted his lips willingly, before welcoming Ben with a low, sweet moan.

Ben cracked several eggs into a bowl and whisked them, before pouring them into a frying pan. He desperately tried not to focus on the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom. The fact that Connor was naked in his shower was almost unbearably titillating. Had they known each other better, Ben would definitely have gone into the bathroom seeking out that warm and dazzling body.

The bacon and eggs were done when Connor emerged from the bathroom. His eyes were puffy from sleep, his hair damp and he smelled deliciously fresh and clean.

Ben had set the table with a few other necessities before they sat down. Connor ate everything on his plate gratefully, never missing an opportunity to compliment the chef.

"It's just eggs with some bread and jam," Ben countered. He pulled his legs up and rested his heels on the edge of the chair. He took a careful slug of his tea.

"No matter what it is, I really appreciate it," Connor answered. He threw a glance at the clock on the stove. "I better get going."

"You sure you don't want me to drive you to the airport?" Ben offered again.

Connor stood, before moving over toward him. He ran his fingers through Ben's dark, tousled bed hair. "You've done enough. I just want to go to London, get the job done and come back home." He paused. Ben sat still gazing up at a pair of soft blue eyes. "I want to come home and see where this takes us?" Connor added. "If that's what you want, too?"

Ben nodded. He knew what Connor was saying. This was just a minor break, but that what they both wanted and needed was to see if there was potential for something more between them. Perhaps, it was fast and they were getting ahead of themselves, but why stop when everything felt so good? So far, Connor was nice, considerate and clearly not afraid to put what he wanted out there.

"I'd like that… very much," Ben answered quietly. Saying the words and leaning on the small promise that his affair would continue made him feel surprisingly content.

When Ben got up from his chair, he was pulled into a warm embrace. Connor was both taller and slightly broader than him. Ben loved the feeling of a genuine hug where he was engulfed by another body. He hugged Connor back and didn't want to let him go.

The kiss that followed the embrace was slow and deep, and like before, it was effortless as Ben's tongue invaded the soft and warm darkness of Connor's mouth. He almost felt cheated, when this was all he could have for now. He wanted Connor so much, but he didn't want to take that next step and not have time for anything more than a quickie, so he could wait. He sighed as his tongue was greeted, teased and left wanting more.

"Call me when you land," Ben said quietly when the kiss broke.

"I will. I'll see you soon," he promised. Those were the last words spoken before Connor left the apartment and headed for LAX.

Ben went to bed, noticing how he could smell Connor on his skin. He smiled and fell asleep again.

oooooOOOOooooo

**So ladies, how was that for a date? Was it what you needed? I surely did and I think the boys did, too. **

**Have any of your experienced any crazy dates? Tell me about it.**

**If you didn't see it, Chartwilightmom and AnnaLund put their dirty minds and writing skills to good use and wrote a story for me – Where It Matters. It is soooo good. It is sweet and downright naughty. I swear, hot, sweaty, dirty sex. Check it out on DirtyCheekyMonkeys. **

**Thank you to Dazzled Eyes22 for betaing. **

**That's all for now**

**xoxo**


	11. Unrestrained

**I offer one huge apology to all of you. I didn't answer to your lovely reviews and I am so sorry. I blame reality… can I do that?**

oooooOOOOooooo

**Unrestrained**

Today was the day. Connor was back on American soil, not that it did Ben any good. It would still be two days until they got to see each other. Connor had commitments with his family Thursday, basically as soon as he landed and Ben was working from the crack of dawn Friday through to Saturday. Aro and Ben had been invited on set to see how the filming of a previous casting project was going. They were also going to network and the shooting was taking place not far from San José, just a three hundred mile drive. Aro didn't fly if he could avoid it, so they were staying for the night to make the most of seeing the set.

That made Saturday evening the first opportunity for them to see each other, which was two days, forty-eight hours, or two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes away. The wait was going to feel like forever.

The weeks Connor had been gone passed with nothing interesting happening. Any day of the week, Ben would deny he was counting the days until Connor was back, but mentally he was snipping the end of a measuring tape every morning when he got up. At work, he was continuously logged into Skype, just in case Connor had time to chat for a bit. Sometimes, they talked for five minutes. Other times, it was an hour, but it was at least once a day.

Ben had to constantly remind himself to focus his attention on work because his mind often wandered. A part of him knew he was going down the same path that he had travelled so many times before. He was putting a potential love in the driving seat of his life. It frustrated him, but he didn't seem to be able to help himself. Two months ago, his heart had been ruthlessly torn out, and here he was again doing exactly what he promised himself not to do. He needed therapy.

Ben sat in his office at home with his hands clutched in his hair, while reading through a script Aro gave him that morning. He was so absorbed in the lines that his mind was racing with faces of actors he could potentially fuse with the names on the paper. This project was definitely interesting.

The knock on the door broke Ben's concentration and he snapped back to the real world. He wasn't expecting anyone.

As Ben opened the door, lips were crushed to his and he was pushed back into the apartment. The door was kicked shut with a loud bang resounding through the living room. Ben's arm immediately went around the broad set of Connor's shoulders. His heart was racing a hundred miles per minute.

Parting his lips, he was just as desperate as Connor seemed to be. The kiss was frantic, hurried, and yet oh so sweet. Their mutual moan flowed together like rivers meeting each other.

"What are you doing here?" Ben mumbled into Connor's mouth, because he refused to break the kiss.

"I had about three minutes to spare and I couldn't waste them," Connor answered, while gently biting down on Ben's bottom lip. Soon, their lips started moving frantically again.

After three minutes, Ben did end the kiss, hoping for some sort of explanation. It was either that or simply give into the arousal that was just about to detonate throughout his body. They looked at each other for another minute. Ben could hardly fathom that Connor was really here. Was this what it felt like to have your dreams come true? Right now, his joints felt loose and his skin tingled with excitement.

"Don't you have places to be?" Ben asked, before gently fingering the lapel of Connor's suit jacket. The blond smiled widely, while his hands running down Ben's arms.

"I have places I _want_ to be and places I _need_ to be. Unfortunately, those two are not the same. I just wanted to say hello." Connor shrugged, looking a little bashful.

"I think you did that rather thoroughly." Ben smirked. He licked his bottom lip and he could still taste Connor on his mouth.

"I'm sorry about the ambush. I need to get going again. My parents are expecting me."

"Well, it would be rude to keep them waiting." Ben leaned in, while dragging his tongue over Connor's bottom lip. Then he groaned, before the kiss made time seem indifferent. "You're already late."

"I know." Connor's hands drifted lower cupping Ben's ass and continuing the kiss. Ben didn't hold back either nor did he care if he wrinkled Connor's dress shirt as he explored a bit. Another couple of minutes passed.

Ben leaned his head back, bumping it into the wall. "Stop stalling and be a good boy. We have Saturday."

"Yes, Saturday," he mouthed. The words were so full of promise—sensual promise. Connor pushed Ben flat against the wall, while making no effort to leave. The tip of his tongue traced the seam of Ben's mouth. The dark haired man parted his lips again, not needing anymore coaxing. The feeling of Connor's slick tongue and the unsubtle shape of a hard length pressed against his stomach had Ben whimpering almost embarrassingly loud. All he could think was _take me to bed_. He was so turned on, but they were out of time. However, Ben wasn't above begging, after three weeks of fantasizing about Connor and some rather steamy conversations. One shamelessly involved jerking off. "You need to make me leave."

"Can't do that. Feels too good," Ben murmured. While tilting his head in the other direction, he swept his tongue deeply into Connor's mouth.

Connor pushed himself away from the wall and away from Ben with what seemed like the weight of the world on his shoulders. His eyes were dark, hooded, and hungry, clearly depicting exactly how Ben felt inside. He wanted so much to just rip the suit off Connor and go to work. Ben wanted his mouth everywhere on the other man. "You are so damn hot," Connor said, driving himself into Ben with renewed force.

Biting back a massive moan, Ben held his breath. If the blond didn't leave soon, Ben would slump to his knees, unwrap and take him into his mouth. He swallowed thickly at the thought of Connor's taste at the back of his mouth.

Additional minutes ticked by.

Finally, Ben found the will that Connor seemed to be lacking. He tucked in Connor's shirt again and straightened the man's tie. His hair looked fairly unscathed by Ben's insistent hands. "Go make your parents proud, hot stuff."

Connor rubbed his face with his hands. "Saturday," he whispered, while stealing a light kiss before he was out the door ten minutes later than planned, okay probably twenty.

ooOoo

Saturday was finally here and Ben was back from San José, but one thing had Ben terrified—the news. The TV was on in the background and they were still running the story about an earthquake in Italy. What caused the blood in Ben's veins to run cold was that the quake wasn't even ninety miles away from where Anna lived. The phone in his hand kept ringing. Ben hung up when he got Anna's answering machine and tried again.

"Jesus, Anna, please tell me that you're fine. I heard it on the news. Anna, say something?" Ben rushed when his call was finally answered.

"Anna?"

"Anna?" Ben continued without having much patience.

"Eh, yippie! What a ride? What do you want me to say!" His best friend answered cheerfully, not sounding like she had just been in a freaking earthquake. Ben drew a loud sigh of relief.

"Something," he bashfully answered.

"It was a fucking earthquake man!"

Ben was comforted by Anna's light approach to the disaster, though he knew some people weren't that lucky. "Yeah, I heard those things can be dangerous."

"I had my hardhat out."

"And the cat?" Ben joked.

"The cat hid behind the bookcase. She'll come out later, and we'll have a long talk. She did not appreciate the shakes," Anna answered thoughtfully.

"So you're really okay? No damage?"

"No, just really shook up. How about you? What's up? How's lover-boy?" she teased.

Ben automatically smiled, and it was a grin that stretched all across his face. "Loverboy is back in town. While you are getting all shook up over there, I'm shaking in my boots. We have a date in an hour or so and I am freaking out!"

"Oh, dear. In an hour? So he's back from Australia?" Anna asked, not even trying to reel in her excitement.

"Yes. He's been gone for three weeks, and this is the first date since then. Well, not counting ten scorching hot minutes early Thursday night. Any sage advice?

"Sage advice, eh? That's my middle name. You listen carefully: Ten scorching minutes aside, just _take it slow_, Ben." Anna enunciated the words like Ben was four years old and learning how to pour milk from a carton. "This boy isn't even out yet. Give him a long, long leash and just _be there_ when he comes to you." She paused. "How does that sound? Doable?"

Ben stalled for a moment. Slow didn't really feel all that appealing. Besides, the term _slow_ was objective. What was _slow_ to Ben might not be _slow_ to the rest of the world. "Hmmm, it might. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Please do. I love this boy already." She was quiet for a moment. "Don't think you fool me? I know you're going to be all over each other when you meet... just... _slow_ it the fuck down, okay?"

"Slow down. Noted," Ben replied, while mulling over how easy that was going to be. He frowned.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" Anna asked, like she was reading his mind.

"I'm thinking slow," Ben indignantly responded. "Slow. Slooooooow."

"Very slow," Anna agreed. Ben could see the reason in her advice, but that didn't mean his body was on the same page as his mind. "Just love him a bit and see where it all goes, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Anna. I've got to go. Promise me one more time that you're really okay. You know that I don't do well without you."

"You'll never be rid of me, baby. I promise. I'm tougher than that."

"Thanks, doll. Love you big time."

"Rightbackatcha, kiddo. Now, run. Kiss Connor a lot, but keep it in your pants."

"I'll try. Bye, darling."

"Bye, baby."

Ben used the next hour to get ready and then there wasn't much else to do but wait. Connor was picking him up, but it was now seven thirty in the evening and he was supposed to be here at seven. Ben had started pacing the floors and wearing a path into the floorboards. Ben had his phone pressed to his ear, when the beeping tone ended with Connor's monotone answering machine picking up.

Frustration and anger was gnawing a hole in his stomach and he just wanted to kick himself. He felt like a fool. He tried to brush off the insult that he'd been stood up, but it wasn't easy. It took another fifteen minutes until Ben realized that the situation didn't sit well with him. It wasn't because he was a sucker for love or refused to face defeat. It was more that this was unlike Connor. As long as they had known each other, Connor had been reliable. If something got in the way, he would have cancelled. He didn't just not show up. Ben resolved to call one last time, but the attempt went unanswered exactly like the other ones.

Driving through town, Ben begged to a higher power hoping that he wasn't going to be labeled as a stalker for dropping by Connor's place like this. He just wanted to make sure, the only way that he could, that everything was okay. He had never been to Connor's place, but merely had an address.

The entrance to the rather shabby apartment complex was nothing spectacular, surely not where you would expect the governor's son to be living. The building and the halls could use a fresh coat of paint amongst other things.

When Ben found the right door, he carefully knocked. He felt uneasy because this wasn't like him to just show up like this. However, there was no answer. He waited for a bit not sure if he should just leave it at that. He picked up his phone and called again. Instantly, he heard a distinct humming from inside the apartment. It sounded very much like a vibrating phone scurrying over a surface. It was strange. Was Connor hiding out? What the hell was going on?

"Connor?" He pounded the door this time. After what felt like an eternity, the lock finally snapped and the door creased open. Hidden in the darkness of his apartment, Connor looked like someone that had been dragged after a car.

"Hey," Connor croaked, though the sound was barely above a whisper. His eyes were small, hardly open and a night mask was shoved up on his forehead. He was wearing shorts that hung low on his hips, but that was it for clothing.

"You okay?" Ben asked, feeling confused when none of his theories seemed to pan out.

"Yeah," he breathed. Never in his life had he seen anyone look so exhausted. The color of Connor's eyes was flat and he looked like he was in a lot of pain. Even his blinking seemed to take some effort. He opened the door marginally and Ben took the invitation to step inside. The air in the room was stale, heavy, and a little uncomfortable. Connor closed the door and the apartment was plunged in darkness. The windows were blacked out and no lights were on. Ben fumbled for a switch next to the door. "Please, don't do that," Connor rasped. "The light hurts my eyes."

Ben frowned. "Are you sick?" The disappointment was like a thick suffocating blanket covering his nose and mouth. Had he been the only one counting the minutes until their date? Connor hardly looked like he cared. Ben was confused.

"Kind of. What are you doing here anyway?" Connor asked, before walking stiffly to a small ugly couch placed beneath a window. He sat down carefully, mostly resembling an old broken man.

"Uhm. You didn't show up. I got worried," Ben explained, while trying to sweep his stalker tendencies under the rug. Connor leaned his elbows to his knees sinking his head into his hands.

"It's Saturday?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," he answered slowly. How could he not know?

Connor's face scrunched up. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't realize-" Ben cut him off.

"What's wrong? You look like, well, hell doesn't even begin to cover it."

"I know. I have a migraine. It happens once in a while, and the only thing there is to do is to take some drugs and sleep through it. I guess I slept through our date, too."

Ben sat down next to Connor. He was already starting to feel relieved and his anger was slowly subsiding. "Don't worry about it," he said gently when it was clear it wasn't something he had done on purpose. Connor slumped back on the couch with his head tilting to the side and landing on Ben's shoulder.

"It normally never lasts more than a day."

Ben gazed at the blond, as he was surprised that this tall strong man suddenly seemed so broken and frail. "When did this start?"

"I took some Rizatriptan Friday morning and went to bed. I woke up again at noon and took some more because my head was about to explode. The pills make me so damn tired," Connor explained.

"You've been sleeping for a day and a half?" Ben incredulously asked.

"It would appear so," Connor mouthed, like he didn't have the energy to raise his voice above a whisper.

Ben nodded, It was then he figured out what caused the slightly musty smell in the apartment. "Is there anything I can do? Have you seen a doctor?" Ben dubiously eyed the orange bottle sitting on the dingy coffee table.

"I've seen plenty of docs. I just need my meds and then I can sleep it off. I'll explain everything in the morning." Connor leaned forward, grabbed the pill bottle and swallowed one down on a dry throat. His eyes started to droop closed again, but his breathing was labored. He really was in pain—a lot of pain.

"Let's get you to bed." Ben looked around seeing the bed that was pushed in the corner. This was really modest quarters for someone with such wealthy parents. It was one room with nothing but a kitchenette and one door that hopefully lead to a bathroom. Against the wall opposite the couch, three surfboards were perched and a bike was just noticeable behind them. The furniture was there for convenience and clearly not decoration. As Ben's eyes adjusted to the darkness, it became clear nothing matched.

Connor rose, before taking a few steps only to slowly crawl into bed again. He was barely present as he pulled the covers to his face. Ben sat down on the edge running his fingers through Connor's messy hair. The other man sighed. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do for you?" he asked softly.

Connor pulled the mask down over his eyes again. "Keep doing that," he whispered and then his breathing evened out. It was clear that he fell asleep immediately.

Ben kept running his fingers through the dense hair, wondering if this migraine was something serious, though Connor simply brushed it off as nothing. He'd never seen anyone crash from a headache like this. Was this normal?

Darkness had fallen outside, so he pulled the blackout curtains back and opened a window. Sirens from a cop car flared in the distance and the low humming of the city filtered in, but so did the fresh air. In the kitchenette, there was a small clutter of dishes and glasses, all mismatching in design and color. The domestic side of Ben just couldn't help it, so he washed the dishes. Haphazardly, he opened cupboards in search of where things belonged. There didn't seem to be any system in the tiny kitchen, so Ben just placed them where there was space. He picked up a few pieces of clothing strewn across room and folded them into a neat pile. The place wasn't dirty or anything like that. It just needed a little tidying. So far, they got along perfectly, but they clearly had a few differences domestically.

Ben closed the window again, before heading over to the bed. He sat down and stroked Connor's hair, while gently trying to wake him. "I'm going to go," he whispered. He was sad that they hadn't been able to spend time together, but that was nothing compared to his wish for Connor to feel better soon.

Connor groaned. "Don't go. Stay. Watch some TV. I'll wake up in a minute. I really missed you," he mumbled, seemingly lost to the world around him. "Please stay."

Ben's lips tugged at the corners. Connor's plea was so innocent and hardly on purpose. Besides, he didn't have anything else to do. Ben turned on a small sidelight, but not before he checked that Connor's eyes were covered by the mask since he had said that the light hurt his eyes. Ben found the remote on the floor next to the bed and turned the TV on. He nestled back against the wall and started flipping though the channels. Hmm, Connor's bed was comfortable. It was beyond comfortable, like a slice of heaven. He found that one of his all-time favorite movies, _The Shawshank Redemption,_ had just begun.

It didn't take long, before Connor had his head on Ben's stomach, and a heavy arm thrown across his waist. Ben smiled to himself. So far, it was clear that Connor liked to cuddle. Who would have thought?

Watching the slow and captivating development of the plot in the movie, Ben absentmindedly ran his fingers though Connor's hair. Every now and again, Connor sighed in his sleep. Even though things hadn't turned out the way he expected, Ben wasn't bored nor was he unhappy with just sitting still watching over Connor as he slept. He knew he wouldn't have closed an eye had he left. Ben would have worried himself sick about how Connor was feeling and if his migraine had gotten worse.

As time flew past midnight, Ben finished watching the final half of Inception and turned off the television. He unbuttoned his shirt, and wiggled out of it. While trying not to disturb Connor, who still had his head on his stomach, Ben managed to pull his socks off, and unbutton his pants, before kicking them off. Barely nestled in bed, Connor rolled, landing halfway over him. The blond man's leg was placed between Ben's thighs, and an arm was over his chest. Chunks of wayward hairs tickled Ben under his chin because Connor's head was burrowed against his neck. Ben didn't protest, not at all, it felt good.

Ben squeezed his already closed eyes tightly shut when suddenly a fierce ray of light hit his face. Trying to avoid being blinded, he threw his arm over his eyes. Squinting, he managed to peel one eye open. Connor was perched against the wall, holding a glass of water with a cheeky grin smeared across his face. His basketball shorts were a different color today.

"Morning," Ben croaked. He looked around, seeing Connor's place bathed in sunlight. He could hardly remember falling asleep and now it was morning. He had been dead to the world around him.

"Morning." Slowly, Connor sipped his water, just staring at the dark haired man like he was a wonder of the world. They were silent for a while. "I'm really trying to figure out how you ended up in my bed. Not that I mind."

Ben blinked, as confusion clouded his mind. "You asked me to stay," he clarified.

"Well, that would explain it." Connor emptied the glass and set it down next to the bed. He crawled into bed, while clambering over Ben and trapping the dark haired man below his imposing body. Connor's hair was damp and his skin smelled fresh and clean. Clearly, he had showered without Ben hearing anything.

His minty breath caressed Ben's face. "I can't really recall anything from last night, but I'm sorry I missed our date," he said sincerely.

"You said that last night, too," Ben murmured. Deep down in his stomach, a warm and delicious longing and knowledge of what was to come started to unfurl,. He ran his hands up Connor's back, following the contours of the taut muscle and sinews Connor used to brace himself over Ben. His skin was warm and soft over the hard muscle.

"Well, I am," Connor whispered. His eyes were soft, and the blue color was back to their normal gleaming color. "I'm so glad to be back and I'm so glad I get to do this." He kissed the corner of Ben's mouth.

"So I am." Ben tried to discretely turn his head away. His mouth didn't taste too good because he hadn't exactly brushed his teeth last night.

"Something wrong?" Connor asked with a frown forming on his face.

"No." Ben smiled with his mouth closed. "Serious case of morning breath."

Connor chuckled and cocked a brow. "Do I look like I care? Just for the record, you don't have morning breath." To prove his point, Connor gently kissed Ben on the lips. "Is this okay?" he asked, when running his nose along Ben's.

"Hmm, hmm," Ben hummed. He dug his fingers into Connor's dense hair. If Connor proclaimed Ben wasn't suffering from a case of skunk-mouth, then this was more than okay. This was exactly what he wanted and needed. He had longed so much to see Connor and just lie in bed together. This seemed to fit the bill. Ben was more than ready when Connor leaned down again and started a slow and irresistible kiss. As minutes ticked by, it was clear that neither of the men wanted to stop. This morning, there was both time and opportunity to explore and take things to the next level.

Ben felt no need or mind to slow things down, no matter what Anna said. This felt too good. Besides, they had known each other for too long for this to be just a onetime thing and as far as Ben understood that wasn't what Connor wanted either. They hadn't really talked about sex, but sometimes that just killed the excitement. The truly thrilling moments were when they got to explore what felt _oh so good_—like right now. It was invigorating.

"I want you," Ben murmured a little breathlessly. His hands were on Connor's lower back and he was still trapped between a warm body and a warm bed. He spread his legs a little, easing their bodies closer together. Ben liked being tangled around Connor.

Ben sighed when Connor used his mouth to mark a path along Ben's jaw. He scraped his teeth over the stubble. The blunt feeling of the teasing bites sent shivers down Ben's spine.

"You like this?" Connor teased, when it was more than clear that Ben did. He tilted his head back, giving Connor all the space he needed. As he took a deep breath, the smell of Connor's skin sent his blood on a direct course south. Their legs were intertwined and Ben could only moderate how much he was grinding himself into Connor's thigh. He needed the friction desperately.

"Let me take care of you," Connor breathed against Ben's chest. His mouth was wet and his tongue soft as he continued to leave sensual kisses on Ben's skin. Connor's pace was slow and sensuous, but there was no hesitation. He simply seemed to be taking his time and savoring the moment.

Between them, Connor cupped his hand over Ben, while shaping his fingers against the fabric of his boxers. Ben moaned, and his hips automatically tilted up to greet the contact. Connor didn't need another invitation. Ben knew perfectly well this didn't constitute _keeping it in his pants_ because his boxers just landed on the floor.

Tingles ran over Ben's skin with every sweep of Connor's tongue. Ben's hands were on the blond man's shoulders, as Connor moved lower and inched his way across Ben's stomach passing his navel. Ben lifted his head and watched his fingers weave into Connor's hair. He wanted to see this. He wanted to see the connection between them.

Ben inhaled sharply when the soft plane of Connor's tongue ran up the length of him.

_Oh, it felt so good._

Ben couldn't keep his eyes open he was engulfed by warmth that could only be Connor's mouth sinking down his shaft and stopping at the hilt. His mouth was so soft.

Ben moaned loudly and appreciatively, when pleasure swept along his spine only to detonate throughout his body. "That feels amazing," he murmured.

He could sense Connor smile around him. Ben was lost in his head, lost to the sensation of the mouth tantalizing and teasing him so expertly. Ben's head lulled to the side as he watched how Connor's mouth was shaping to fit him, work him, and suck while he hummed at the back of this throat.

_Connor definitely knew how to give head. _

Connor pulled back with his head hovering just above Ben's stomach while his hand was still stroking Ben slowly. His focus was somewhere completely different when he absentmindedly placed a small kiss on Ben's stomach.

"Fuck!" he spat.

Then Connor moved as fast as lightning.

"Get dressed," he snapped, already throwing Ben's pants at him. They landed on his face. Ben picked up the clicking of heels out in the hall and a set of keys rustling just at the door. His stomach suddenly went into free fall.

"Who's that?" he whispered, while fumbling for his shirt he had discarded by the bed last night.

"My mom. She always comes to check on me when I haven't answered my phone." Connor's face was a smooth mask, but his movements were frantic.

Stark naked Ben escaped to the bathroom just as the door to the apartment opened. His heart was throbbing in chest. It had been years since he had needed to sneak around, or had he ever had to? The feeling of the situation was both laughable and one of extreme annoyance. It made him feel like a kid at the same time, as he didn't particularly like to hide who he was. He had fought too hard to hide the part of him that had cost him his family all those years ago. Ben was proud of who he was. Though, right now, it wasn't about him, it was about Connor and his family.

Through the door, Ben could hear the faint voices of Connor greeting his mother and assuring her that he was fine and it was just a headache—nothing to worry about.

Ben started to get dressed, noticing his underwear was missing. He groaned, knowing he had no other option than go commando. That wasn't good. He contemplated briefly what the hell to do. He was seriously not in favor of hiding out in the bathroom like some criminal, but he didn't want to disclose Connor's little secret either. He was at an impasse when the situation seemed to solve itself.

"'I'll just use your bathroom," the female announced. Ben froze. Oh, no.

"Uh, Mom, hang on a sec. It's kind of taken," Connor's voice was surprisingly smooth and unaffected.

Ben decided to go with the flow of things and stick to what made him comfortable. He wasn't hiding out, and Connor surely knew how to downplay certain details of his life.

Ben flushed the toilet and waited a moment before he washed his hands. Glancing at the mirror, he quickly splashed some water on his face and tamed the worst of his bed hair. There, that was a normal restroom visit.

He took a deep breath and exited the bathroom.

Connor's mother was a tall statuesque woman with golden hair. She was probably in her late forties, but it was hard to tell. She was well kept. Her make-up was subtle and her nails manicured. Her smile was broad and kind when she spotted Ben.

"Hello," she politely greeted. She looked a little disgruntled at Connor. "I didn't know you had company." In the layers of her tone, there was a subtle scolding.

"Sorry. Ben, this is my mother, Charlotte. Mom, this is Benjamin Vasquez. He's a good friend of mine." Once more, Connor was slick as an eel, giving nothing away. Her face changed and as she smiled all friendly and welcoming. So this was about manners, not about mystery men in her son's apartment.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Hayes," Ben said, while keeping to the basics.

"Likewise." She paused for a moment with her eyes drifting to Ben's wrinkled shirt. Ben gnashed his teeth together waiting for the other shoe to drop. "You slept here?" she asked innocently.

Ben was just about to choke on his tongue when Connor answered.

"Yeah, he did. He was here when my headache started. He didn't want to leave me alone," Connor filled in. Ben's mouth fell open, as he was shocked. How could he just admit it like that? His well-kept secret that he was worried would devastate his family, and now he was being so careless. Where was this going?

Charlotte sighed, while seeming pleased. That only added to Ben's confusion. "Well, I'm glad you have such a good friend to care for you, when you obviously won't let the rest of us watch over you when you get sick."

"It's not a disease, Mom," Connor protested.

The blond woman narrowed her eyes at her son. Ben instantly remembered Connor's comment about him feeling like an eight year old when his mother scolded him. Besides that, Ben could hardly believe that she was completely clueless. She didn't strike Ben as ignorant at all, but she was oblivious to the fact that her son was gay. It was obvious that her mind was nowhere near that possibility and that Connor was very good at covering his tracks.

She sighed, before she glared disapprovingly at Connor. "Well, at least, you could have the decency put some clothes on. I'm sure Benjamin would prefer not to have to look at you running around half naked."

Ben barely managed to disguise his snort with a cough, pretending something went down his windpipe. Looking at Connor was hardly displeasing and what the hell would the lovely Mrs. Hayes do if she knew where her son's mouth had just been?

Connor just rolled his eyes, as he repressed his grin.

"Excuse me," she said heading for the bathroom, but she stopped suddenly. She looked back at Connor with a perfectly manicured brow raised. "I know I raised you better than this, son." She pointed to the floor, before she closed the door to the bathroom.

Ben stared at his underwear just at the foot of Connor's bed. _Oh, dear_.

The blond let out a slow deep breath. Now, his face showed the dread, amusement, and absurdity of this entire situation. He walked over, and dropped his head to Ben's shoulder. He stood there for a moment, and Ben's hand patted the skin on Connor's neck.

"Fuck me," he muttered.

Ben's libido peeked up. Through his panic about the situation, his body hadn't forgotten what had been going on five minutes ago and how good it felt. _No, fuck me,_ his inner voice begged. Idly, he pushed the idea aside for now and focused on the situation.

"Your mom's wrong, you know. I do like watching you strut around half naked," he whispered.

Connor barked a laugh, before quickly groping Ben's ass. "From now on, we get naked at your place."

"I think that will be safest." Ben palmed Connor's cheek when he lifted his head again. He placed a soft kiss on the blond man's lips. "It was really good though. Rain check?"

"Hell yeah." Connor wet his lips, while staring into Ben's brown eyes.

The telling sounds that their little bubble was about to burst emerged from the bathroom, and the men distanced themselves from each other making sure Mrs. Hayes stayed oblivious to the building relationship.

"Oh, Ben, you should come to the game?" Mrs. Hayes offered when she had unpacked the groceries she had brought and piled them into the previously empty fridge.

"Uh, what game?" He frowned.

"The Dodgers," Charlotte answered like that explained everything. "We're having lunch with some of our family and then we watch the game. We would love to have you. Isn't that right, Connor?"

Ben met Connor's gaze trying to read if that impromptu invite from his mom was really valid. The blond didn't give much away, but his eyes were shining with some unnamable emotion. Was that a _yes, come, Ben_ or _no, are you insane_?

Ben smiled at the woman and was just about to play it safe and decline the invitation when Connor accepted for him.

"Well, that settles it then. I must be going. Don't be late, Connor," she reminded him. She kissed his cheek, before she turned for the door. "It really was a pleasure meeting you, Benjamin."

"Ben, please," he said. "You, too, Mrs. Hayes."

The door closed and Ben stared at dumbstruck at Connor. "You can't be serious. I can't go with you. Do you really want me to be there?" Going anywhere near Connor's family was like dragging a razorblade across your skin and hoping you wouldn't start to bleed. The odds weren't in your favor.

Connor frowned. "Of course, I want you to come. It's just a ball game." He shrugged.

"It's also a potential for… trouble."

Connor sat down at the edge of the bed, staring up at Ben through his lashes. "I've played this game a long time. I'm good at it and they won't suspect a thing."

Ben could only answer with a dubious look. "They may not suspect _you_, but bringing me would be like raising a red flag. I don't want you to get in trouble over me."

"I won't," Connor dismissed. He looked down at his feet for a long moment. "Look, it's not a big deal. I can have friends that are gay and I doubt anyone will notice anyway." He stood, and went over to Ben. On the way, he picked up the black pair of undergarments that had been hidden between the rumpled sheets. "Everything is going to be fine. Now, my mom told me not to be late and I suspect you'd like to wear a clean set of clothes. So you better hurry home, clean up and I'll come pick you up."

"You could come with me?" Ben was hopeful. Connor's company was always good.

"I have a script that I want to read and some lines for an audition tomorrow that I need to memorize. This is pretty much all the time that I have."

Ben leaned in, before pressing his lips softly to Connor's. Hmmm, he could get used to this. "I can help you tonight." He smiled. "My place," Ben offered, while leaving _'stay over'_ between the lines. This was also the first time Ben even felt the impulse to want to mix business with pleasure. It wasn't that he didn't want Connor to perform to the best of his ability. Simply that so far, he hadn't wanted to make whatever they were about work. Besides, they needed to talk and there were several things on the agenda. Ben wanted to know about them and their relationship, what happened with Connor's mother, Connor's migraines, how the filming had gone, and about Bree's birthday. Well, the list was already long. What made Ben happy was that now they had the time. Connor was back home again.

"I thought you'd never ask." This time, it was Connor that leaned in and kissed Ben. "I'll be there in an hour and a half. Be ready."

Driving home, it suddenly occurred to Ben that he might possibly meet the Governor of California. This day was going to be busy.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Sooo… I thought the boys should share some sweet times, but then again…**

**Was I too cruel, or was it a little funny?**

**I need to come up with new ways to thank Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. I love you to bits.**

**I hope next chapter isn't too far away, but let's see.**

**xoxo**


	12. Scrutiny

**Scrutiny**

Jared blinked twice and then once again when he saw Connor. It wasn't that his brother-in-law looked different, like he forgot to put his shoes on before going to church. It was what he was flaunting so openly.

Jared chuckled. The move Connor was pulling took some serious balls.

From across the room, Jared watched in secret as Connor greeted several Aunts and Uncles and introduced an unfamiliar, tall and dark haired man, with a polite smile. While Jared tried to accept that his theory just might pan out the way he suspected, he kept to himself pretending not to watch, yet studying the two men. He never considered it to be any of his business what Connor was up to or what company he kept, but that friend he brought was not on the het side of life. It wasn't something in specific about that man himself, but it was more _them_ together. Even from a distance, they were electric, or perhaps more like the wind. You couldn't see it, but you could sense it was there.

Jared glanced around. What was Connor doing? This was no joke and the entire Hayes family down to the youngest nieces and nephews was here. One thing had Jared worried. Amongst these people, his wife's family was some real buffoons with big, inconsiderate mouths. However, with idiocy often came ignorance. Perhaps that was what Connor was counting on?

As Jared watched, the dark haired man said something under his breath and Connor smiled. Jared practically dropped his jaw. He knew that smile. He had seen that smile more times than he could count, but it was never one he had noticed Connor use before. His own wife smiled that way and Jared knew that sweet, warm smile by heart. When Lucy smiled like that, it was meant just for him and nobody else.

Oh good lord!

Jared took Lucy's hand, when she came over and gave it a light squeeze. He kissed her cheek, before he pried Katie from her hip.

"Can you believe it? Connor actually made an appearance today." Her tone was sardonic, but her eyes were radiant. She was happy that her brother was here.

Jared settled Katie at his waist. He didn't like for Lucy to carry that amount of weight around. Her sweet and growing belly was just starting to show between her hipbones. Lucy rolled her eyes at him, knowing exactly why Jared took Katie off her hands. She hadn't made it a secret that she thought he was being a tad bit overprotective.

"Can you do me a favor, honey?" Jared asked. Lucy nodded. Gently, he hooked a chunk of hair behind her ear. "Can you not mention anything about Connor and dating today?" He tried to keep his voice as casual as possible because he didn't particularly like to withhold information from Lucy, but there was no way he could explain the reason why.

She frowned. "Am I being that bad?"

Jared slid his thumb along her jaw and smiled softly. "No, but he just got back. I'd hate to see you cross swords because of this again." On Thursday night, the very night Connor got back from five weeks abroad, Jared had to gnash his teeth when Lucy had started asking questions and listening intently when Connor had mentioned a woman named Abby. The exasperated look on his brother-in-law's face was all Jared needed to see. He didn't want to be part of this quarrel again. All he wanted was for the waters to stay quiet. However, right now, he would bet his marriage that Connor needed some time, especially with the harebrained stunt he was pulling at the moment. His gut instinct told him he was right. Connor was gay.

"Fine," Lucy surrendered with a sigh. "I only want what is best for him."

"I know, sweetheart." Jared glanced up and smiled when Connor and his friend were less than three feet away. "Hey there," he said cheerfully. Honestly, he was somewhat curious himself about this stranger that Connor had brought to the game.

"Unkie Connie," Katie cheered. She bounced on Jared's hip, impatient as only a two-year old could be.

"There's my favorite girl. Did you miss Uncle?" Connor's voice was animated and saturated with love. Jared surrendered the combative child and Connor didn't hesitate to place a big noisy raspberry on her neck. She squealed with delight. "Miss me?" he asked again, while giving her ribs a workout with his paw-like hand. Her laughter rang out over the crowd.

"Stop." She giggled and Connor relented. It was the first time he saw her since he got back from his trip. Jared had always known Connor had a soft spot for his daughter—a very soft spot. He hugged the girl to his chest, after smacking a kiss on her soft cheek.

"I surely missed you, Katie Bear. I missed you so much. You've gotten so big," he said as he hugged her again.

"Two," Katie proudly announced holding up four fingers. Connor laughed, before kissing her again and settling her on his arm.

Connor looked at Lucy and he hesitated for just a fraction of a second. "This is my friend, Ben," he said nonchalantly. "You've met Lucy, right?" He looked at the dark haired man.

Ben nodded. "Yes, at the grocery store. It's nice to see you again, Lucy."

"Likewise," Lucy answered. Jared couldn't help watching her and watching her eyes. Did she really not have a clue about her brother? No, she didn't. "This is my husband, Jared."

"Hello." Ben held his hand out and Jared shook it. For whatever it was worth, Jared really wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to relay that he understood and that he wasn't like some of the people present today, but that just wasn't possible. He settled for a friendly greeting. It was all he could do for now.

"It's great to meet you," Jared answered. His head was filled with things to say, questions to ask, and words of curiosity, but he chose silence—for now.

"Hey, Katie, do you still remember me?" Ben asked, while smiling and taking her hand. She reached out for him and hugged her short fat arms around his neck. The man looked a bit stunned, but so did Jared. He gawked, as Ben awkwardly balanced his daughter on his arm. "Oh," he murmured a bit surprised by her actions. It was clear he wasn't used to holding small children. Katie giggled and patted both his cheeks, like she had known this man forever.

"I have two dolls," Katie proudly informed him.

The man laughed. "Well, aren't you a lucky girl. Did you name them?" he asked. Katie's eyes went wide, like she was asked what Pi meant. "Never mind. Do you like baseball?"

She shook her head. "I like food."

"Yeah, me too," Ben answered.

"Me too!" Connor cheered. Then he generously took Katie off Ben's hands. "Let's go eat, little bear. Come on, Ben. The food is excellent. "

The man looked back with gentle brown eyes. "It was really nice meeting you both," he said and followed Connor and Katie. There was that energy between them again - that invisible, yet tangible something.

"Nice guy," Lucy commented nonchalantly. Jared didn't know if he should be happy or sad that his wife was so clueless. For now, it was a blessing. Though, he wished deep down that when that wrecking ball came flying, it wouldn't smack into her so hard because it would be so much easier on her if she already suspected. Unfortunately, she had no idea.

oooooOOOOooooo

The stadium suite that Ben was in was both elegant and luxurious. When Connor's mother had mentioned a ball game, Ben had figured it would be something along the lines of nice seats, beers in real glasses and perhaps, a better quality of food. Connor was the Governor's son after all, but he really hadn't counted on the private suite, the overflowing buffet and every beverage known to mankind.

The suite could hold probably up to about a hundred people. If Ben didn't miscalculate, there were pretty close to that number here. From what he could tell, most of them were family: uncles, cousins, their wives and children. Without his knowledge, Ben had walked right into the heart of the Hayes family.

Ben didn't follow sports much. It never really interested him, but it was clear he was alone in his opinion this afternoon. Several times within the last five minutes, he had been chatted up, asked questions about players that he couldn't answer and games he hadn't seen.

"There you are, Benjamin." It was Connor's golden haired mom, who tracked him down. He had met so many people that he couldn't keep track of them all. He tried to remember the ones that were closest to Connor such as his sister, her husband, and of course little Katie, who was just cute as a button. She had sat with Connor and him as they ate and picked out names for her two dolls.

Charlotte was still displaying one huge smile, while looking sharp in a pantsuit. Was that was people wore to baseball games nowadays?

"Hello, Mrs. Hayes," Ben said softly, while shaking her hand again.

"I'm so glad you could join us." She looked around. "Would you have happened to have seen Connor?"

Ben nodded, before pointing to a crowd of young men, who were gathered together and laughing boisterously about something. A few women hung around batting their lashes and licking their lips. Ben hoped it wasn't that obvious that he was having the same dreamy thoughts as the women clearly were.

His gaze met with Connor's and the sexual tension that had been running between them since this morning suddenly seemed to snap taut between them. Ben had several things on his mind today. One of them was Connor, preferably naked. He was downright horny, and right across the room, a measly twenty yards away, stood the man that could very easily make all the frustration go away.

"Excuse me, what were you saying?" Ben asked, since he clearly hadn't been paying attention to Mrs. Hayes' next question.

She smiled indulgently. "I asked how long you have known Connor?"

"Uhm, a few months now. We met through work," Ben added, careful not to give too much information away.

"There you are, Sweetheart," a man said warmly. Ben recognized him instantly. It was Connor's father, the Governor of California. Suddenly, his palms felt somewhat sweaty. The man smiled at his wife, while placing his hand on her shoulders. He kissed her temple briefly and Charlotte leaned into the small token of affection.

"Have you met Connor's friend? This is Benjamin," Charlotte introduced. Her voice was still warm. It really did have a pleasant soprano ring to it.

The Governor looked back with his eyes large with interest. "I don't believe I've had the pleasure." They shook hands and Connor's father introduced himself as Peter Hayes.

Ben couldn't help, but study the man. He was tall. Almost as tall as Connor, it seemed. It was clear that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. They had similar eye color. By the way his shoulders were set, it was clear from where his son got his posture. It was almost like seeing Connor aged some thirty odd years.

On a different note, as nice as the Hayes' were, it was a bit premature meeting the parents. Well, in their defense, they had no clue they were meeting their son's potential lover.

"It's so nice to finally meet one of Connor's friends. He's always so busy, but with what, I have no clue," Peter said with a hint of sarcasm. "So what do you do?" The Governor's approach was direct, but not rude or presumptuous.

"I'm in the film industry. I work as a casting director."

"Hmm, then you must be excellent at reading people. What goes on behind a camera always did interest me. Not like Connor, he'd rather be in front," Peter generously offered.

"I think I do okay." Ben answered, though not really wanting to get into how he knew he was good at his job. That would just make him a pompous ass.

"Modest. I like that." Peter smiled and his eyes were shining. He was rather charismatic. "I have a feeling you know that you're good."

Ben smiled without answering the rhetorical question. "Now, excuse us, please. I'd like to have a glass of wine with my wife."

"Of course." Ben stepped back, as he watched Connor's parents continue a hushed conversation just between them. From where he stood, it was easy to see and understand the values that Connor had mentioned. He'd grown up surrounded by the safety of two loving devoted parents. How different their childhoods had been. Ben couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Every child should have that.

"Are you bored to death yet?" Connor asked as he moved to Ben, just leaving a slice of space between them. He handed Ben a sparkling mineral water.

"Actually, it's not that bad. I just met your dad. He's a nice man." Ben opened his soda, while taking a small swig.

"Yeah." Connor looked down, studying his shoes. It was like a nervous tic for him. Some bit their nails or chewed their lips, but Connor looked down like a schoolboy in the principal's office.

"You okay?"

"Uh huh." Connor's answer wasn't even close to convincing.

Ben frowned. "Are you uncomfortable with me being here?" he asked bluntly. Ben was actually enjoying himself, though if this was causing problems for Connor, he would be gone in a heartbeat.

As Connor's head snapped up, his eyes were wide. "No!" He looked down again. Ben wished right now this place wasn't crowded with people, or rather with Connor's family. If they were alone, Ben's hands would be on that handsome boyish face, perhaps running his fingers over his soft lips and trying to coax an explanation out of him. He couldn't, not when he was thrust into this situation and not knowing where the crux of Connor's secrecy lay. Ben hadn't given much thought to why Connor hadn't wanted to avoid a situation like this. It felt a little like Connor was playing with fire and when you did that, you risked getting burned.

"Please tell me what's bothering you?" Ben asked softly.

Connor sighed and looked around. "This is so not the place for it, but I was just thinking about this morning and the turn of events before my mom arrived." Ben couldn't suppress his smile or the way the blood in his veins suddenly aimed south. He remembered that well and right now, those delightful images of his blond head of hair hovering over Ben's stomach were hardwired to his libido. The tension started to mount as their gazes met. "It kind of made me think about Edward." Connor's expression was raw and exposed.

"Edward?" Ben spluttered. How the hell did he get mixed up in this?

"I can't stop wondering if you're still thinking about him?" Connor looked down again.

Ben's lips parted and formed an _O_. Connor was right. This was hardly the time or the place for this talk. It was like playing with a tank of gas with a lit match in your hand. Trouble.

"Why?" Ben asked softly.

Connor swallowed tightly, while his eyes radiated insecurity. "If he's still on your mind, I think we should slow down…" He paused. "I mean, this morning was great, but if you need more time—" He didn't finish, but looked back at Ben with his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed.

At his side, Ben's hand fisted to prevent him from reaching out, as he wanted to stroke away the worry from the other man's face. He wanted to touch Connor. He wanted to be able to share an intimate moment where he could hug and assure Connor about the changes and facts in his life, but it was impossible. Not here. He only had words.

"I haven't thought about him for weeks. I should have told you." Ben kept his voice down and his eyes locked with Connor's. It seemed only fair given the situation. "Knowing you took such a big chance asking me out. You chose to spend time with me despite your family and despite my past with Edward. I should have been more forthcoming. I was just having such a good time with you that I've forgotten all about him."

Connor's smile practically split his face in two. "I've hardly been home." He pointed out.

"But you've been close," Ben countered by somehow trying to show that even though Connor had been in both London and Sydney, his heart had still been here. Connor had been more than Ben dared to ask for, just when he was hurting. Connor had been a friend when Ben needed one and now that friendship was developing into something very different. This was where Ben was on unsteady ground. Did he have anything to offer this kind soul when it came down to the wire? Was he strong enough to put himself out there and suffer another heartbreak should that happen? Was Connor ready for the kind of relationship Ben wanted, where commitment and an almost dull life was important? Ben didn't want drama. He needed stability.

Perhaps, it was just thoughtless to get so wrapped up in what he wanted. Maybe it was just too soon to tell if they had a future. Ben decided he should just enjoy the day and not give it too much thought.

"What are you two whispering about?" The voice was deep as it boomed in between them.

"Uncle James." Connor's voice efficiently changed timber and a smooth blank mask perfected by his charming grin was once more in place. He was so good at covering the wonderful man that Ben saw and how he felt. It was such a shame because Connor was all heart and soul when it came to his emotions.

The introduction was swift and concise not leaving any room for details. Connor seemed colder towards this man, though Ben couldn't really put his finger on what it was.

"Now, what has my favorite nephew been up to? Your dad told me you've been travelling." The man took a large slug of beer, which left a thin line of fluffy foam on his lip that he greedily licked off.

"I've been working."

"Not spending you dad's money, eh?" There was a slight debasement in the wording, though the man tried to mask it with a wolfish grin.

"Like I said, I was working," he deadpanned. Ben looked down, smiling to himself. Connor was certainly no pushover. Slowly, he sipped his mineral water.

"Hey, Connor. Get over here." A man with stringy brown hair waved his arm. He was standing with the group of young girls, who were all batting their eyelashes at the Hayes family's bachelors.

"Will you be okay?" Connor asked.

"I'm fine." Ben smiled when he answered.

"Sure?" Connor looked hesitant for some reason. Ben nodded again, trying to reassure him. He wasn't a damsel in distress so he gestured for Connor to go.

A groping hand snagged his shoulder and roughly pulled him into a sideways embrace. Ben didn't particularly enjoy that kind involuntary physical contact.

"So, Ben," the man griped, before he covetously choked down the remainders of his beer. "Where's your lady today?"

Ben took a hopefully, unnoticeable step away creating a little more distance between them. Uncle James' loud wheezing breath irritated him.

"I don't have one," Ben answered.

"Single man, eh?" The man waggled his brows. "See anyone here you like? There's plenty of fresh meat."

Ben was repulsed by the way Uncle James' beady eyes traveled across the crowd, before stopping at a group of girls, who were far too young for a middle-aged man to ogle. Hell, they were even somewhat young to gawk at for someone Ben's age.

While considering his response, Ben bid his time because he knew this man was a predator. He was the kind that would prey on the weak and stake his claim no matter what shape or form the hunted came in. This was a man starved for recognition, acknowledgement and power. He would grasp at anything to get them. He was the kind of man who needs to always feel like he was bigger and better than the person next to him, no matter the cost.

He reminded Ben of his father.

Ben arched a brow. His face was filled with false kindness. "Oh, I'm not single, _Uncle James_. I have what I need and what I want certainly does not come in the shape of a female."

The man huffed, before putting the glass to his lips, only to realize that it was already empty. "What was that again?"

Ben smirked. "I'm. Gay," he answered slowly. As soon as he said it, he regretted it. This was Connor's family for crying out loud. For one moment without thinking, one moment where he was jolted back in time, Ben felt the same need to piss off his attacker as he did as a teen. However there was one difference, this wasn't his father and he wasn't fifteen years old anymore. Shit!

Ben watched carefully as the information sank in. James's eyes went from confused to downright hateful, just the way Ben expected. Ben hated that sometimes he was still that hurt fifteen-year old boy, who would do anything to provoke his attacker.

James took another step back, creating a larger wedge of space between them. "Fucking homo," he spat and then he stalked off.

Ben blanched, not expecting the man to be that verbose. Staying away from the general crowd, he took a moment to find his equilibrium again. That was when he noticed word was traveling like a bush fire. The hushed conversations followed by stares, narrowed eyes and disgusted faces were all telling the same story. Ben was suddenly an unwanted outcast.

Ben swallowed tightly. It had been years since he had been in a situation like this. Why did he have to be so stupid and act like an ass? Now, he had quite possibly outed Connor, too. That was something you just didn't do. No matter what, you kept the secret as long as it was necessary for your friend.

Passing through the stadium suite, it felt like there was no longer a soul willing to talk to him. Letting his eyes glide over the crowd, Ben realized that Connor was suddenly nowhere to be seen. Where the hell had he gone?

"He's down at the field." It was Jared who spoke up. Ben turned, feeling somewhat nauseated. He didn't want to be here. He wanted out of this goddamn place. The pounding of his heart was making his anxiety worse. "Connor," Jared said as a way of explaining.

Ben nodded. "Thanks," he answered curtly.

"I'll take you to him," he offered, like he could read into Ben's inner turmoil. Ben was eternally grateful. The stadium was huge and he would undoubtedly get lost trying to find Connor. Luckily, Jared seemed to know exactly where they were going. Keeping up with his helper, Ben was mad at the crowd and mad at the world, but mostly he was furious with himself for what he just did. The anger was like quicksand slowly consuming his sanity.

"What happened? Connor asked the second he saw Ben. Ben shrugged unwilling to explain what he had done in front of Jared and all the people milling by. Apparently, Jared was still clueless because he was being helpful.

Ben took a deep cleansing breath, but he needed to tell Connor about the jeopardy he just put his secret in and that didn't really make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If that wasn't enough, in the midst of all the chaos, Ben felt betrayed.

"Ben got a taste of how charming Uncle James can be," Jared said.

Connor's lips narrowed and he looked away for a moment, before shaking his head. "He's a moron, Ben."

"That may be so… Uhm, I'm going to take off," Ben said, feeling like a coward at the same time he felt like he had been fed to the wolves. Sure, it was his own doing, but it still made him furious that Connor's family acted like that.

"I'll take you," Connor offered, while glancing at his brother-in-law, who seemed to have faded into the background. Jared was suddenly gone.

"Don't bother," Ben muttered, before turning away. Most of all, he wanted to be alone, so he could deal with the snowball effect he had just started with one measly thoughtless sentence.

Connor frowned. "Please, Ben. You don't have your car here."

"Fine," he snapped and stalked towards what he hoped was the nearest exit. Once they were in the car, Ben glared out the window. His brows creased with frustration. For something to focus on, he followed the line of cars passing by at a snail's pace.

"Look, I'm sorry, Ben. I didn't think it would be that bad," Connor said. His tone was highly apologetic. In the corner of his hazy mind, he was glad he didn't have to flesh out what was wrong. Connor just knew. While walking that double-edged sword, Ben wasn't ready to admit to what he had done. What he said was stupid, but it still didn't overshadow how he was just treated. So, he dug his hole deeper.

"Clearly. Did it ever occur to you how something like that would make me feel? Then you disappear for the length of a bible," Ben griped, feeling like a cornered animal.

"I'm sorry about that. I just thought…" Ben cut him off. Connor had simply gone with his very shy and young cousin to catch a few autographs, which was hardly anything he could be blamed for, but the timing had proven to be disastrous.

"Just drive, okay? You can drop me off at my place."

Connor turned, as dejection and confusion bled into his clear blue eyes. "I thought…"

While wallowing in all of his anger and aggravation, Ben talked right over him again. "You thought wrong. I want to go home where I won't feel pigeonholed for being who I am."

Connor wisely kept his mouth shut and chose not to argue over what had happened. Ben stubbornly stared out the window watching L.A. whirl by as the car picked up speed.

Ben knew if he closed his eyes right now that those horrible moments of the baseball game would come crashing over him. He had never been ashamed of who he was, never even when riding the subway of New York, while trying to stay warm and study at night. Out on the streets, he never did he see the need to defend who he was. His sexuality was something he was comfortable with and always had been, but their menacing stares brought back memories of times he'd rather forget. He'd been there, but it was years ago. He loathed how helpless he'd often felt in those homeless teenage years of his and right now, he was well aware why he was thrown for a loop. He hadn't been prepared, not like he was back then.

Connor pulled to the curb outside of Ben's apartment and shut down the engine. He looked down at the car keys he was twirling around in his hands. "Can I come up?" he asked quietly.

Ben really wanted to say no. He wanted to just shut the other man out and give him the cold shoulder for at least a week, but as it always was when it came to Connor, Ben was helpless. "Yes," he acquiesced.

Peeking out of the corner of his eye, he caught Connor trying to suppress a smile. Ben then threw the door open in irritation and stalked towards the entrance.

The metallic clank from his keys almost sounded like thunder as they landed on the glass table in the hall. Ben kicked off his shoes, leaving them where they landed before he stalked to the fridge to grab a bottle of water for something to busy his hands with. It was like he could sense Connor. He didn't need to look to know that he was right behind him.

Ben moved across the room, which created much needed distance between them. Honestly, the effect wasn't much. They stared at each other and for the first time, there was an awkward silence between them.

Ben snorted. "I don't even know what to say about all of this."

Connor looked down. "Can we just… can we just forget all about it?"

"Forget all about it?" Ben sneered and then he shook his head trying to soften the answer. It wasn't working. "You can't be serious. I just got walked all over and you want to forget about it? Thanks, man." Ben was aware he wasn't being fair, but right now it felt good to be pissed off.

"That's not what I mean," Connor answered softly.

"Then please explain to me exactly what you meant because I fail to see the point. Actually, I fail to see the point of me going to that stupid game. You threw me to the fucking lions without as much as a warning. Who does something like that, Connor?"

The blond man stared at him bewildered. "I get that you're pissed. As far as I understand, you have every right to be, but what is this, Ben? Why are you so mad at _me_?"

Ben sighed, before rubbing his forehead. The guilt was already eating at him. He knew he had to come clean. "I did something stupid." He turned around and stared down at the kitchen counter. His heart was pounding with adrenaline that was coursing through his veins. He focused on breathing evenly for several minutes. He was just sick of this, sick of the entire situation. Connor's return home should have been a happy one, not one that was weaving this web of hurt and confusion. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all. Ben dug his fingers into his eyes.

"What did you do?" Connor asked when Ben didn't continue.

"I told your Uncle James that I was gay." He paused. "I shouldn't have done it and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Actually, it's myself that I'm mad at, not you." He couldn't turn around. He couldn't face Connor. "I think I inadvertently outed you."

It was quiet for a moment and then Connor chuckled. "No, you didn't. Uncle James is dumb as a doornail. The most he will make of this is think that he has the right to tell me not to be friends with you. Nobody in the family really likes him." It was quiet again. That was when Ben felt Connor's hands snake around his waist, hugging him from behind. He mostly wanted to ignore how good Connor's hands felt against his stomach, but instead he stood still. "Forget about Uncle James. Forget about what you said. It doesn't matter." Connor tightened his arms around Ben. "You're so tense."

Ben's chuckle was humorless. "I'm so fucking mad. They treated me like dirt."

There was a gentle pressure of Connor's lips to his neck after a few heartbeats. "I am really, really sorry, Ben. I hadn't expected them to be that cruel."

Ben snorted. "I did spring it on myself."

"No, you didn't. None of them had the right to say anything at all." Connor's voice was soft and his breath was warm against the sensitive patch of skin just below his ear. A delicious tingle ran down Ben's spine. He hated he was such a pushover.

"I admit that my informing your uncle that there would never be a Mrs. Vasquez was somewhat priceless, but I usually like to be prepared when I'm going to be called queer, fruit or faggot to my face."

"I know. Look, I know. I fucked up. I'm an idiot and I should have told you it might get bad. I don't know jack shit about dating someone and I think today was solid proof of that. I can't say I won't make other mistakes, but I won't make this one again," Connor finished lightly.

Ben smiled. No matter how many ways he wanted to deny it, talking about that horrible afternoon did make the tension drain from his body like fine sand through a sieve. "I knew your family wasn't going to give a standing ovation for being gay, but why would you bring me there without warning me that your whole family is made up of homophobes?"

Connor's body tensed and he hid his face in the crook of Ben's neck like he was seeking some sort of consolation. "I thought if they at least met you first, they wouldn't hate you if or when the truth came out," he said quietly, almost sounding like a child.

Ben blinked rapidly, suddenly seeing the implications with very different eyes. This was much bigger than him. Ben was already out and the fact that he got his delicate feelings hurt one afternoon by a few goons that he could choose to never see again paled in comparison to what Connor would face someday. "I'm so sorry for you," Ben whispered, feeling appalled by himself. He reached back, put his hand on Connor's neck and gently rubbed.

"What are you sorry for?" Connor suddenly pulled back, resting his chin on his shoulder.

"Despite whatever happens between us, when the day comes that you do need to tell them that you like boys, I've got your back. Just know that I'll be there for you."

Connor's chest stilled. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I am serious," Ben answered. Tilting his head slightly to the side, he leaned against Connor's cheek. His skin felt rough and warm against his own.

Connor pressed his lips to Ben's neck again. Warm and soft lips gently skirted over his neck. Fervor quickly built between them, moving from small endearing and grateful kisses to something quite different. Connor's hand on Ben's stomach started moving and his fingers ventured to the hem of his shirt. Ben let out a soft sigh when skin connected with skin. Connor's hand moved over his stomach, touching with the clear that this gorgeous man wasn't going anywhere other than straight into his bed, which was exactly where Ben wanted to go. Actually, it was where he had wanted to go every minute since this morning.

As they turned around, their lips met, like magnets being pulled to each other by mutual attraction. As always, their kiss was effortless and deep, like the men had been kissing each other for years rather than only weeks.

Ben's hands found purpose in his soft, blond hair. He let Connor completely crowd him as sensuous warmth rushed and need swept through his body. Ben had never been one to hold back, but he usually had some means of control. Right now, all of that had gone straight out the window. There was no restraint and nothing stopping him.

While letting his hands roam up the muscled back and feeling the grooves and shape of Connor's shoulders, Ben was just as much the aggressor as Connor was. Eagerly, Ben reached for the belt closed around Connor's waist. Connor suddenly pulled back.

"Uh…" he groaned, looking somewhat uncomfortable.

"What?" Ben asked, while staring bewildered at Connor's open-mouthed face. The blond didn't answer. "Oh, don't tell me that you don't want to?"

Connor swallowed. "It's not that exactly," he answered, before putting some more space between them. Ben ran his hands over his face frustrated. On top of a seriously disturbing day, now there was this?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he scoffed way too harshly. Ben felt absolutely strung out. The sexual tension that lasted for the better part of a day was taking its toll, so being shot down now was just about the last thing he needed.

"Nothing is wrong."

Ben raised his brows. "Okay. So please, let's go into the bedroom."

Connor took another warning step back.

Ben felt his stomach turn to ice and freeze over his body. This was not happening again. He never wanted to let Connor into his life to begin with and now this. It was all too much. At this moment, he couldn't see straight, let alone find any logical reason as to why Connor was acting like this. Basically, he felt like he was being jerked around and taken for a fool. "Okay. Unless you tell me what the hell is going on, you can find your way out. This afternoon was really shitty and either you want whatever is between us or you don't. I know I do and I am telling you exactly what I need… which is to get laid."

Through the storm of emotions thundering through his head, Ben knew that he wasn't being entirely fair. You couldn't just demand to have sex. That usually got you nowhere really fast.

Connor looked absolutely torn, but he didn't say anything at all.

"Figure your shit out," Ben spat at him before he left the kitchen and went into the bedroom.

He sat down on the far side of the bed facing the windows. Right now, he just wanted to bury his head in the sand and absolutely forget the world around him. He just wanted to play possum and hide out until the rest of the world forgot about him, too. First, the baseball game and now this, it was just too much.

He sighed and hung his head from his shoulders. He couldn't bear this.

Ben continued to stare at the floor, waiting for his roaring emotions to calm down. He was furious, frustrated and upset all at once. How could this be happening again? He was so fucking sick of it all and briefly toyed with the idea of going into exile—in Siberia.

"I don't bottom." Connor's voice was almost inaudible.

"Jesus!" Ben spat when he hadn't even heard Connor come into the bedroom. Jolted out of wallowing in his own self-pity, Ben looked up to see his large frame about five feet away leaning against the wall. Ben regained his focus while his blood pressure seemed to lower just a bit. "What were you saying?"

Connor looked down, clearly contemplating what he said. "The reason I backed down in the kitchen just now is that I don't bottom. Ever." Connor paused. "It's not even up for debate."

Okay, cut right to the chase, why don't you? Ben hung his head, feeling relief spread like a mist through his system. He studied the floorboards while the smile on his face grew ridiculously huge. He chuckled.

"Is that was this is about? Bottoming?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Ben said and reached out. Feeling the familiar warmth return to his body and the air circling around them grow electric, he grasped Connor by the waist of his pants pulling him closer. Lifting his head, Ben looked him straight in the eye. Connor was all that he wanted.

Connor's expression was apologetic. "Because I like you and I'm worried that you can't accept that." Connor threaded his hands into Ben's hair, while weaving the locks around his fingers.

"I guess we should talk first, but that's not really what I want to do right now," Ben teased.

Connor pressed his lips together. "I'm not finished. Just as you have every right to be pissed off at me about my family and how thoughtless it was of me to bring you to the baseball game without warning, I'm pissed off at you for even questioning if I want this. That was a low blow. I may not know squat about dating, being a boyfriend or whatever, but I've tried. I know I fucked up, but I tried and that should count for something. You also told me five minutes ago that you understood how this is for me considering how my family reacted to you."

Ben's face scrunched up. He knew he had acted without thinking. He had been just as inconsiderate as Connor. "I'm sorry," he said, after looking up. Ben leaned his elbows on his knees keeping eye contact.

"Fuck all the _I'm sorry_s. I just wanted to put it out there, and I don't want to dwell on it. I just don't like being doubted when I'm trying."

Ben sighed, looking up into sincere and big blue eyes. "It was thoughtless of me. Forgive me?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Of course." As Connor wet his lips slowly, Ben was only reminded what had started this whole argument.

"I wish you would have told me about not being a bottom, because it would never have been an issue." He paused and nodded to Connor's waist. "Can I?"

Pursing his lips, Connor let out a slow breath. He nodded then.

Making painstakingly slow work of unclasping Connor's leather belt, Ben watched his hands as he snapped the first button open. He looked up at Connor, who was towering over him and spoke. "I'm all about bottoming, baby." He opened the next button and the jeans started to sag around Connor's narrow hips. "So today, you get to fuck me because that's just about all that I can think about right now." Ben wet his lips, reveling in the need that was starting to consume his body. He slipped his hands around Connor's hips, feeling that lean and strong body that he couldn't wait to lose himself against. Connor seemed to really get the gist of things and slowly pulled his shirt over his head, revealing that magnificent chest of his.

Ben's mouth watered. "Right now. I. Need. You. So just put away your worries and give me exactly what I need," Ben challenged.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Soooooo…. Uhm, yeah, that's going to be it for now. I really don't mean to be cruel… but I fear that I am.**

**Thank you to my commenter's, you're all wonderful and I treasure your insight to my story.**

**Three lovely ladies deserve a round of applause, Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. You each rock my world.**

**I think you all know what's coming next chapter, so hang in there.**

**xoxo**


	13. Connection

**Sorry for the delay – Ready… set… smut**

oooooOOOOooooo

**Connection**

Ben savored the deep rumble that emanated from the back of Connor's throat, while his hands slipped from Ben's hair down to his shoulders. Willingly, he let himself be tipped back on the bed while Connor crawled over him, crowding him physically. When their mouths met, it was a slow kiss that deepened with every sweep of their tongues.

Without hesitation, Connor maneuvered every button of Ben's shirt open and used his mouth to show Ben just how much he wanted him. There wasn't much Ben could do to stay coherent when Connor seemed so intent on running the show for now. Just like this morning, Connor seemed to be in absolutely no hurry as he kissed Ben.

It felt like an eternity since hands had been on his body with the sole purpose of bringing him pleasure, and that was exactly what Connor was expertly doing. The moist spots on his neck marking a trail down his chest, over one nipple, and then to the other were only proof that Connor was indeed thorough. As he worked over Ben's stomach, his mouth was like a reward for a hard day's work or like a massage to aching muscles. Connor's hand went south, cupping Ben gently, rubbing him, teasing him … just right.

Ben moaned.

As he exhaled again, Ben's slow groan coming from deep down within his chest only intensified and it was a sound much louder than he was expecting at this point in time.

Letting his hand roam the length of Connor's body, Ben desperately wanted to rid him of his jeans. Getting to his feet Connor kicked his pants to the side, and Ben sat up. From Ben's point of view, there was no doubt that he was into this, so he hooked his finger into the waistband of Connor's boxers pulling down at the side. His gaze drifted south and he smiled.

"So, you really are a natural blond. I have to admit I was wondering," Ben murmured as his mouth followed the line of Connor's happy trail south where the hairs were trimmed short just the way Ben liked it. He heard Connor chuckle.

"Still not liking blonds, huh?" he teased.

Ben dragged his tongue over Connor's warm stomach. Bringing his other hand up, he removed fabric from what he really wanted his mouth on. Ben just couldn't help his absolutely immature reaction. "Fucking hell," he gasped when he laid eyes on Connor's monster. When Ben peered up, he caught Connor's look that said it all. "Lucky me," Ben murmured, just before he couldn't speak anymore.

Sweeping his mouth over that both hard and soft flesh, Ben's eyes closed. He finally got to taste Connor. He'd been pining for it and needing the physical connection that had been lacking up until this point. Working his hand and mouth in sync, Ben went deep and he moaned every time Connor hit the back of his throat.

The groans filling the room were all the encouragement Ben needed. Peeking up, he hoped that this felt a fraction as good for Connor as it did for him. The butterflies in Ben's stomach went into overdrive, when he saw the small smile that curled his lover's mouth upward, while he was watching him. Connor's eyes were positively burning. He was so gorgeous, and absolutely magnificent. Ben closed his eyes again, as he enjoyed running his tongue over the contours of the hard flesh in his mouth.

The pads of Connor's fingers were digging into Ben's shoulders and one moan soon merged with another. Connor leaned down and his voice was gruff as he spoke. "If you still want me to fuck you, you better stop or I'm going to lose my shit in your mouth within the next five seconds."

Ben pulled back and Connor's soft lips immediately covered his, before coaxing them apart with a sound kiss. "Condoms?" Connor asked into Ben's mouth. The dark haired man answered by pointing to the top drawer of the nightstand.

Connor efficiently searched the drawer pulling out the essentials. With a delighted grin on his face and the foil package between his teeth, Connor yanked Ben's pants open, before stripping him in one swift move.

He watched enraptured when Connor made quick work of the condom, then reached for the lube.

While rolling onto his stomach, Ben moved to make sure his entire back was flush against Connor's chest. The anticipation was like small irritating bugs teasing him all over. He felt so sensitive. He was already arching his back, ready and wanting, but again, Connor was in no rush, whereas Ben was starting to go insane. The wait was hell and Connor's finger teasing him and dipping into him just a bit wasn't enough by far. Ben wanted him. He wanted that deep aching need taken care of, and he would just bet that Connor knew he was driving him mad.

"I'll go slow, okay?" Connor murmured, before placing a moist kiss behind his ear.

Ben nodded in agreement, knowing that wasn't really necessary. He had experience. He knew his body to a tee and what he could and could not handle.

Finally, finally he felt that uncompromising pressure against his backside. Ben pushed back greeting what he knew was to come - the promised land. It was torturously slow, but he finally felt the sweet ache that would make all of his frustrations disappear.

Connor's strong and hard body was heaven as he went deeper, really hitting that overwhelming need square on. Ben stopped thinking and just felt. He felt it all: the tingling in his toes, the sweat dewing on Connor's chest, the hand that roughly grasped him round his ribs, teeth nipping carefully below his ear, Connor's breath fanning over his cheek, the relentless intrusion into his body, the thrusting, and lastly, the building release promising to take him soaring. He was so lost in it all, so lost in Connor and how much he needed this that his mind was mush.

Getting up on his knees, Ben flattened his palms against the wall. Connor's arms were around his chest supporting his weight as they rocked against each other. Ben's head lolled back on Connor's shoulder, as their rhythmical moans mingled, almost like a song.

"You feel so good," Connor whispered in his ear. His breath felt so hot against his cheek.

Ben only moaned an incoherent response. Their connection was deep, far more intense than anything Ben had expected. There was no rush, no chase to get off powering either one of them. This was about prolonging the pleasure.

Without really knowing when it happened, Ben found himself on his back facing Connor. His hands roamed down his lover's back digging his blunt fingernails into Connor's ass. Ben's palms were slippery from the perspiration gathering on Connor's back.

How long had they been going at it?

Connor's deep and heavy thrusting stopped for a moment and his breath was ragged when he spoke. His words had a direct line to Ben's hard-on. "Don't come yet. I want you in my mouth when you do. I want to swallow everything you give me." Ben's thoughts scattered like leaves in the wind and chills shot down his spine. His lips were parted and his mouth was invaded. He kissed back with everything he had. It only got better when Connor rotated his hips, grinding against him and deeper into him.

Ben palmed Connor's face when it was clear he was finding his release deep inside of him. Hot staccato breaths washed over Ben's face as he watched and focused on how Connor gnashed his teeth and how his brows pulled together over his tightly shut eyes, while surrendering.. Ben was panting at the mere sight of his lover. The vision of Connor, the feeling of his climax was making him burn from the inside out, consuming him. There was nothing like this deep bond and watching Connor reach his peak.

Ben hugged his lover, while letting Connor calm down and bask in the sensation. It lasted only for an instant, before Connor swiftly removed the condom and let his mouth travel down Ben's stomach and slip his lips down over his sensitive erection.

"Oh, Jesus," Ben moaned loudly. God, that man had a wicked mouth. Ben's body was taut as his release thundered over him, leaving havoc in its wake. The tingling reached from his scalp to his toes when Connor avidly swallowed around him.

It couldn't possibly be him moaning that loudly.

Connor's hands found Ben's amid the rumbled sheets, interlacing their fingers. Ben's pulse was tapping out a fast rhythm as it slammed against his temples. Blood was pushed forcefully through his veins and his skin tingled. Ben slowly started to return to earth as Connor kissed his stomach.

"Fuck! You're good," Ben sighed, relaxing in the glow of his orgasm. He was absolutely spent.

Connor chuckled, while placing gentle kisses on Ben's mouth. "You're not so bad yourself."

"You wound me. Not so bad?" Ben cocked a brow, feeling absolutely frivolous. No, not frivolous. He felt weightless. Skydiving had nothing on how he was feeling right now.

Connor collapsed, putting a fair amount of weight on Ben. Gentle fingers traveled over Ben's cheek, running down to his mouth. Connor's blue eyes were almost grave. "I really enjoyed that. You're magnificent," he said softly.

Ben leaned his head against Connor's. "That was pretty mind-blowing." Ben kissed his soft lips, before his tongue invaded the other man's mouth and he tasted the slightly tangy taste of himself. He sighed contently.

Silence fell over the room as Connor kept stroking Ben's face with his knuckles. The touch was simple, yet it filled with young emotions that had yet to set roots.

"Are you hungry?" Ben asked about half an hour later. They had just been lying in bed, where hands traveled over soft skin, caressing reverently.

"Starving," Connor answered, before cracking the first smile in a while.

"Actually, how can you be starving after the feast you had at the game?" Ben clearly remembered the third and fourth serving Connor had consumed without slowing his pace.

"I didn't eat for almost two days. Migraines tend to leave me famished. Besides, I'm a big boy."

"That you are." Ben chuckled and swatted Connor's naked behind. "You know, you have the palest ass that I have ever seen." He looked at the line slicing across Connor's lower back where the dark tanned skin of his back met the alabaster color of his cheeks.

Connor laughed. "I know. It doesn't see the light of day very often." He rubbed his ass, before he sat up and pulled on his pants.

After grabbing eggs, potatoes, milk and bacon from the fridge, Ben set about making an omelet. Connor made a quick trip down to his car wearing only his jeans to retrieve a bag. Ben was slicing a few tomatoes when Connor hopped up on the countertop, and handed him a script.

Connor shrugged. "You still want to help?"

Ben sucked some tomato juice from his fingers before taking the script. "Of course." While the omelet was cooking in the oven, he quickly read through the pages that were dog eared. Connor gave a quick rundown of the rest of the plot as Ben finished the tomatoes and started chopping up some cucumber.

"Food, then work," Ben said. It didn't take long for the food to be ready. As they ate, their conversation was effortless and comfortable. It was as easy as when they had spent hours on the phone. The silences weren't awkward. The topics weren't superficial like comments on the weather. No, it was the opposite. Connor was open and honest about worries he had about his career, the consequences of his lifestyle versus his family, and proudly telling Ben about a house with a private stretch of beach he had been able to borrow for what Ben had planned for Bree's birthday next week. It was so easy being around Connor and Ben couldn't really figure out why, so he sat and listened attentively, while offering a few pieces of advice or words of gratitude once in a while. Hanging around Connor was so different from anything he knew or anyone he had dated in the past. He didn't try so hard. In reality, he didn't feel like he needed to try at all. Proof was that he sat bare-chested wearing his godawful sweats while they ate. He never did that, especially never when he had company.

The night moved on and they focused on work. Connor had been pacing the floor for nearly an hour, while Ben sat on the couch. Every now and again, Ben would point out a gesture to avoid or a look to play up as they read through the script. Connor seemed to suck it all in like a sponge, asking for clarifications when Ben made suggestions. There were no sour notes, just a young actor eager to pick the brain of someone sitting on the other side of the table in an audition.

Connor plopped down the opposite end of the couch throwing his feet up on the table. He tilted his head back. "Matilda, I just don't get it." Connor let out a desperate sigh after delivering his line.

"What don't you get?" Ben said, following the script.

"Why would you do this to me?" Connor raised this head. His gaze was burning with agony.

"Because I don't want to love you," Ben answered softly, before flipping a page in the script. "I can't love you. I can't betray your brother."

"My brother is dead," Connor said pointedly, before standing and started pacing again. "I don't understand why you won't be with me when he is dead. He's gone and nothing we do can bring him back. I know you loved him and I loved him too, but he's gone. Why don't you want me?" Connor stopped to unleash that penetrating torn-to-shreds gaze at Ben.

"Because you remind me too much of him," Ben said. Slowly, he closed the script.

Connor's shoulders sagged. "Better?" he asked with his brows furrowing.

Ben threw the script to the table and slumped tiredly down on the couch. "Much better. You pretty much nailed it this time. Well, at least in my book."

"So you would cast me?" he asked hopefully.

Ben laughed. "Oh, I think we can safely say that I'm disqualified to make that call. My opinion is far too biased."

Connor moved over to the couch occupying the opposite end. He grabbed Ben's calf and started to rub his foot. "You know, you have very sexy feet." Playfully, Connor bit the pad of Ben's big toe.

Ben's brows shot up, before he lifted his other foot in the air, and admired it with mock interest. "Yeah, I do."

Playfully, Connor batted at it, punching a hole in the air, because Ben was faster. Then Ben ran his foot up the inside of Connor's thigh. "You're the one who's a sexy beast."

Connor dug his thumbs into the soft instep of Ben's foot. Once more, Ben felt the blunt pressure of teeth against his skin, but this time the tantalizing feeling crept up his leg. He let out a soft moan.

"So I get a do-over?" Connor asked. His eyes were gleaming with mirth.

"You don't need a do-over, because that would imply that you in some way weren't wonderful. You get a _do-again_," he added playfully. Ben snuggled into the couch, before arranging a pillow comfortably behind his head. He slipped his hand into the pant leg of Connor's jeans.

He wagged his brow. "Can't wait."

They stared at each other for a long moment. "Can I ask why you don't bottom?" Ben said. "Did you have a bad experience?" When Connor had announced that fact rather bluntly, Ben hadn't given it too much thought, but now that his mind was much clearer, that little piece of information didn't sit well with him. It wasn't that being a top was something he needed. He'd done it once in a while, but the way that Connor swept the possibility off the table irked him.

"I didn't have a bad experience," Connor answered carefully. He looked away for a moment. "Actually, I never tried it."

"You still have your cherry?" Ben asked, propping to his elbows. Well, this was news.

The blond chuckled, while pulling each of Ben's toes. Then he answered. His tone was somewhat shy. "Yes, I still have my ass-cherry."

"Then why?"

This time, Connor didn't smile. "To be honest, it freaks me out. I'm afraid that it will just be miserable pain." Steadily, he held Ben's gaze.

Ben rubbed his palm along Connor's shin gently and then he smiled. "You have no reservations about skydiving, but bottoming… scares you? It's also a little ironic considering you're seriously hung, dude." Connor laughed loudly. Ben couldn't help but respond to his infectious grin. He nestled into the pillow again. "It's not miserable pain, Connor. Not at all, it feels amazing. It's pretty much comes down to technique. Aren't you even curious? Haven't you ever wanted to experiment a bit?"

"No. I've never been with anyone I trusted enough to try."

Ben frowned. The answer wasn't what he expected at all. "That's kind of sad."

"I know. Look at it this way, I'm twenty-three and living on the down low. I keep my cards pretty close to my chest and that doesn't leave much room for experimentation."

"True." Ben paused. "Well, if the mood strikes you and you do feel like broadening your horizons, let me know." A wicked grin curled the corners of his mouth. "I'd gladly give you some pointers, because I'm a damn good bottom."

Connor hummed. It was a soft sound as he acquiesced and his eyes were full of knowledge. "Yes, you are. A fine, fine bottom." He gently dragged his tongue along the instep of Ben's foot ending with a soft kiss.

Slowly, Ben ran his tongue over his bottom lip. He was suddenly so hungry for knowledge about his new lover. Now that sex wasn't some obscure dot on the horizon anymore, he could seek out the information, right? From experience, this was closed territory for some men, but how was it for Connor? Ben suddenly wanted to know every little dirty detail about him. "Can I ask how many guys you've been with?" His tone was cautious.

"Stop with the _can I ask_. Just ask, okay. Yes, you can know. I've only been with three," Connor answered. "You?"

"I'm not sure. Twelve, maybe? I never kept track," he answered honestly. It wasn't like he added notches on his bedpost. Time made the number fade, it felt inconsequential.

Connor's eyes widened. "So, am I lucky number thirteen?"

"Perhaps. I'll have to do an inventory to know for sure. Not really something I want to do." He pondered for a moment, since that irritating and curious little devil inside of him still had about a thousand questions. So far, it seemed all right to ask. "How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

"Eighteen. You?"

"Nineteen."

Connor's brows creased. "You've been out since you were fifteen, but you didn't have sex until you were nineteen? That just doesn't make sense."

"Maybe not to you, but it did to me," Ben answered softly.

"I'm guessing you've never been with a woman then?"

"Nope. You?"

Connor flushed, averting his eyes for a moment. "No." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I tried a couple of times. I really, really tried, but I couldn't keep it up. Literally. I was sixteen and my dick just didn't work. I was all kinds of devastated, because that never happened before. Well, not when I was alone and fantasizing about Bright McCormack."

"Who's Bright McCormack?" Ben asked intrigued.

Connor leaned his head back and smiled at the ceiling for a moment. "Oh, man. He was the star quarterback of the senior class when I was a sophomore. So, that was when I realized that I wasn't like the rest of the guys. My teammates kept talking about getting to second and third base with random girls or their girlfriends and I was just indifferent. What I cared about was hitting the showers at the same time as Bright."

"What about your girlfriends?" Ben asked, recalling several stories about the girls Connor dated.

"I kept them at arm's length most of the time or broke up with them before things got anywhere close to serious. When that started to prove difficult, I made up a story that I was saving myself for marriage." Connor barely managed to keep a straight face and Ben gawked. "My family is pretty religious, so no one really questioned it. Some of the guys teased me about it, but it was much easier this way than if they knew the truth."

Ben's smile slowly faltered. "I watched you today. You're very convincing with your family. It must be a lot of work?"

Connor sighed. "It's exhausting at times, but let's not get into that right now. I want to know about you. What's your story? How's coming out at fifteen connected to losing your virginity at nineteen?"

"You ever notice how the name _James_ has this ominous feeling to it?" Ben asked.

Connor looked confused for a moment. "Are you talking about my uncle? Please don't let whatever he said get to you. He's an asshole."

"I agree, but I knew another _James_ once. James Henderson was my best friend when I was a kid. We'd basically been friends since preschool and we were like brothers. His dad was a pathological liar and his mom was a drunk, but he was a good kid. At least, he used to be then.

"We were thirteen years old when James started talking about girls. It was basically all he talked about at the time. He was desperate to kiss a girl, but he was afraid that he would be bad at it. I didn't care about girls, but I knew some of our classmates had already started hooking up. James wanted to fit in with the rest of them, but I couldn't care less.

"Then one day, it just got to be too much. I told him he could kiss me, and if he at least tried that he would know what to do when he got the chance. More importantly, he would stop jabbering about it… or so I thought. We kissed that night, just so that James could learn.

"Things didn't go any further than that, but we kept kissing. So for a while, when we were supposed to be doing our homework, we were making out. I loved kissing him. It felt so good.

"James finally got his big break and kissed a girl. I think we were just about fourteen years old at that time. However, that didn't keep him occupied for long and he quickly grew impatient and wanted more from the girls. I was still completely disinterested, both in girls and sex in general. We seemed to drift apart in many ways, because I still just wanted to ride my bike in the park or play Battleship. I was a late bloomer compared to him.

"James picked up some new friends, older friends. He wasn't even fifteen when he had sex for the first time. He just couldn't fathom why I wouldn't go with him to these 'parties' where the girls were more than willing. I tried to tell him that I wasn't ready, but he didn't want to understand. All the while, he was out there hanging with his new friends and sleeping with one girl after another, but he was the good old James when we were in my room. He was the boy that was my best friend and the boy that I kissed for hours. I loved every second of it, though it was never anything more than that.

"When I turned fifteen, I realized why I felt different and why I was a late bloomer. It was because I was looking in the wrong direction. I just knew I never wanted to be with a woman, but I also knew I was nowhere near ready to be with anyone yet. All I wanted was for things to stay the same and to keep kissing James in secret.

"One day, he was hounding me again about girls, begging me to go with him, and telling me there was something wrong with me for refusing to get my dick wet, because everyone else was doing it. So, I broke down and told him. I told him everything. I explained to him that I knew when I was ready to be with someone, I wanted it to be with a boy. I had this very romantic and naive idea that I wanted a boyfriend, a sweet boy to kiss and hold hands with. Things didn't turn out like that, though."

"What happened next?" Connor asked when Ben paused for a long time. Ben's mind had slipped far back in time, reliving those nights in his room.

"I hadn't had any reservations about telling James my secret, because he was my best friend. I trusted him. I knew him and it was natural for me to tell him. Why wouldn't I? We had been kissing for more than a year and a half. It wasn't that I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I actually never felt jealous hearing his stories about the girls, to be honest. I was just tired of listening to them.

"James had a different opinion though. When I arrived at school the very next day, it was strikingly clear what he had done. He had outed me to his new friends and the entire school. He stabbed me in the back. James told everyone that I had come on to him, kissed him and that I wanted to fuck him."

Ben met Connor's suddenly angry glare.

"What a fucking prick. He was kissing you as much as you were kissing him."

"Yeah, well, it was my word against his. He had experience with tons of girls to prove that he wasn't gay and I had none. Not that I even wanted to deny my sexuality. At school, someone had decorated my locker with a black magic marker saying FAGGET. The idiot even misspelled it. Instead of denying it, I got even the only way that I could. I scratched LEARN TO SPELL, YOU FUCKING RETARDED INGRATE into his locker with my pocketknife. It took a while and I admit it wasn't very sophisticated, but it hurt James just as much as he had hurt me. I knew it would. Everyone knew he wasn't the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. He was dyslectic and he was failing most of his classes. I'd been helping him with his homework ever since we started school. He once told me what he wished for most in life was to be smart like me." Ben stopped talking, and was just gazing into Connor's eyes. "I never found out why he did it, or why he told everyone."

Connor huffed. "Well, he's a fucking retarded ingrate, just like you said."

Ben shrugged. "I never spoke to him after that day."

"I'm guessing that's when your parents found out, too?"

Ben nodded. "I told them the same day. I might as well, because the school would contact them about the vandalism of school property that I'd done. You know the rest of the story from there."

"Yeah, that's not exactly a fairytale either." Connor paused. "What happened when you were nineteen?"

"I'd just gotten into modeling. I had a bit of money and was slowly learning to provide for myself, remembering to pay bills and utilities and so on. I was on a job and the make-up artist caught my eye. I was older and I was ready." Ben smirked.

"So, he was good to you?"

"Yes, he was. He wasn't my type at all, but he was nice and patient with me. We hooked up a couple of times."

"What is your type?" Connor asked playfully.

"Someone with heart and soul," Ben answered, echoing Connor's answer from weeks ago.

The men locked eyes, brown to blue, as the silence stretched. Slowly, Connor sat up and untangled their limbs, only to lie down nose to nose with Ben at the other end. Connor rested his head in one hand as the other weaved into Ben's hair. Ben closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying having his hair stroked.

"I can't even imagine how much strength it took for you to stand up for yourself and to be yourself knowing you had no support system. You are so powerful and so beautiful, yet you don't even see it. You have an extreme sense of self and I am in awe of you. You're unbelievably strong, Ben."

Ben's heart was suddenly pounding in his chest. Connor's words made him slightly uncomfortable. He didn't deserve that kind of praise. All he did was survive, nothing more than that.

Ben leaned in and gently pressed his lips to Connor's. "So your first? Did you get lucky with Bright McCormick?" he asked, mostly to distract his lover and move the subject away from him.

Connor chuckled, while leaving a soft kiss at the corner of Ben's mouth. "No, I didn't." Connor pulled back rearranging himself with Ben's legs slung across his lap. "Though, I did with his cousin," he answered snidely.

"Hmm, I want to hear that story," Ben said, as he hugged a pillow to his chest. Connor's hand was on his thigh rubbing gently.

"It was the summer before my junior year and I was sixteen. Bright had graduated. His younger brother, Dave, was from my year and hoping for a spot on the football team after summer. Their parents were gone for a few days, so most of the football team was hanging out at their place, lounging by the pool, drinking, and making out with girls. That was the normal stuff.

"Well, Bright and Dave's cousin was staying at their house for the time being. He was different from the usual jocks I hung out with. He was older. Twenty-three, I think. He was sophisticated and working for Bright's dad. I'd heard the rumor that he swung both ways. I wasn't sure if it was true, but I was dying to find out.

"I tried to capture his attention without making a spectacle, but it was clear that was he barely aware of my existence. However, I think you've figured out that I'm competitive and I was dead set on getting him to notice me. I think it was the third day by the pool that I finally made some progress. That day, he came outside with us. He stayed in the back, but he kept giving me these looks from across the pool and making sure we had eye contact. At one point, he got up going back into the house after giving me this long challenging stare. I followed him in and eventually to what was his room."

"What was his name?" Ben asked softly.

"Jeremy. He was pretty damn hot, too." Connor smirked. "Well, back then at least," he added ruefully.

Ben smiled, gently running a hand over Connor's lower arm. "I don't mind you admitting that he was hot."

Connor laughed gently, before he continued his story. "Jeremy knew exactly why I was there. He understood without even saying a word. I remember that first kiss like it was yesterday. For as long as I had been interested in anything beyond friendship, I had never truly felt right. When I kissed him, I knew I hadn't lost my marbles, because that was when I felt what the guys on the team were talking about. I just didn't find that excitement with a girl like my friends did. I found it with a man. It was strangely liberating to finally try something that felt good, something that could make my heart race and give me butterflies in my stomach. I remember the slight roughness of his scruff and how fascinated I was with it. The smell of cologne mixed with man and his large hands on my face turned me on like never before. I didn't need to force it. It just happened. At that time, it was the best experience I'd ever had." Connor fell silent, while staring into the air for a long moment. Ben poked his thigh with his foot.

"So what happened with Jeremy?" he playfully asked, even though it wasn't exactly rocket-science to figure that one out.

"He stopped kissing me back suddenly. Then he asked me how old I was. I reluctantly admitted that I was sixteen and pretty wet behind my ears. He gave me this indulgent smile and then gave me his phone number. He told me to be true to myself. He also said that he wanted me, but that he could get in a lot of trouble if things didn't stop when they did. At the time, I was pissed off. I was sixteen and totally hormonal. I didn't want to stop. I wanted the whole experience, but it didn't happen. Not then, at least.

"I kept his phone number, not thinking I would ever use it. The summer after I turned eighteen, I heard from Dave that Jeremy was back in town. My hands were shaking so hard when I called him, but it turned out I had no reason to be scared. We spent the summer together, but when September came he went back to Chicago."

"Were you sad when he left?"

Connor shook his head. "I wasn't in love with him. I liked him and respected him, but it wasn't anything more than that. He was like a mentor and when the summer came to an end, I felt like I graduated from another part of my life. I had learned who I was and I was going to college. I wanted to have fun."

"Well, did you?"

Connor chuckled. "Not as much as I thought. Living in the closet and living with the constant fear of being outed proved to be fruitless when it came to men. I even stopped pretending to date girls. I couldn't be bothered anymore."

"Who were the two others?" Ben asked, recalling the number three.

"One of them was Zorro and the other one was Drew, who you know about."

Ben's brows shot up. "Zorro?"

Connor shrugged, but a sweet smile teased his lips. "It was Halloween. I was drunk, probably the only time I ever have been plastered, and it was a one night stand. I remember he was dressed as Zorro, but I have no clue who he actually was."

"Then, the legend is true," Ben teased. "Well, for all you know you might have nailed Bright McCormick's ass."

"Perhaps." Connor laughed, before slouching down the couch.

"Drew? What about him." Ben continued, hoping Connor wasn't fed up with his poking around and drilling for more answers. He was usually never this curious.

Connor shrugged. "Drew's just a friend. He's bi and likes to get his rocks of with a guy once in a while. He's nice and all, but for me he was just the means to an end."

"How long were you with him?"

"I was never _with_ him. It was an on and off kind of thing. It lasted a little more than two years, I think, up until I met you." Ben's answering smile was small. He remembered the conversation with uncanny clarity. Silence fell, leaving Connor with a pensive look on his face. "What happened to James?"

"He dropped out of school. Last I heard was that he developed some bad habits and got arrested for stealing cars."

"That's sad."

"Yeah, it is," Ben acquiesced. He hadn't given his old friend much thought lately. However, he couldn't help but hope that along the way things had turned around for James. "You asked me once where I learned to kiss. It was James."

Connor nodded, and put his hand on Ben's thigh. Ben leaned his head back, enjoying the soothing way Connor touched him. He glanced at the clock. It was past midnight. "It's late. Let's go to bed." Ben started to get up.

Ben brushed his teeth quickly before going into the bedroom. For a moment, he studied the rumpled sheets that were dragged halfway off the bed, enjoying the memories of how they ended up that way. He savored how the day ended compared to how it started. Tonight had been so relaxing and absolutely magnificent. After picking up a pillow that had toppled to the floor at some point, he climbed in. The sheets were slowly warming as he could hear the faint sound of water rushing and Connor brushing his teeth. Once in the bedroom, the blond stripped down to nothing and climbed in.

Connor snuggled up to Ben, weaving their legs and twining their fingers. "I always sleep naked. I hope that's okay," he said.

Ben smiled softly. "It's perfectly fine. Goodnight," he said softly, enjoying that there was no distance between their bodies. He sighed, loving that his bed was warm and he felt safe.

"Goodnight." Connor placed a soft kiss on Ben's neck.

oooooOOOOooooo

After listening intently, and trying to pick up music or any loud noises from inside the apartment, Bree inserted her key, unlocking the door to the apartment. It was quiet for once and there didn't seem to be anybody home. That was a rare event these days. Ever since her mother had started seeing James, the apartment was never empty. It was always filled with strangers, or people stopping by, supposedly friends who were there for a good time.

In the hall, Bree crouched down in front of the small closet, and stuck her hand into the darkness. She fumbled around for her mother's winter boots that she never wore since this was L.A. and quickly located the hard cold surface of the bottle. She pulled it out. Empty. That wasn't a surprise. She tossed that bottle back into the closet, not even trying to pretend she hadn't been checking.

"Looking for something, sweetheart?"

Bree flinched. She stood and stared up at James with dead eyes. He had never harmed her, touched her, or been unkind to her, but that didn't mean she liked him. No, she loathed his mere presence in her home and how sounds would leak from under the door of her mother's bedroom.

He smiled, his crooked teeth gleaming.

Bile rose in her throat. "No," she answered curtly.

"If you were looking for a good time, you know I can help you out. You only have to ask."

She tightened her hands around the strap of her bag. It was the leather bag that Ben had given her. She loved that bag, and sometimes, that bag felt like a lifeline to world that was happier than this one.

James turned away, and headed over to the couch. He sat down with his legs spread and a dark smile on his face. He started counting small white pills, before putting them into bags, then dotted down some numbers on a scrap of paper. There was a stack of money on the table, too.

"Where's my mom?" Bree asked in a cold voice.

The side of his mouth turned up in that same revolting dark smile. "Floating around on cloud nine." James looked up. "You know I only want the best for you, right?"

Bree looked away, clutching the strap tighter. She looked towards her mom's bedroom, where the door was ajar. The unconscious body of her mother was laying face down and long locks of flaming red hair were floating over the yellow sheets. Her upper body was naked.

If Bree could paint her life, she would paint it black, just like she did on her face. The sting of tears burned, but her eyes remained dry. She looked back at James, noticing that he was holding something out to her palm up. Two small white pills lay in his hand, almost smiling at her.

"For free," he offered.

Idly, Bree picked up the small orbs. They weighed nothing between her fingers, but she wasn't stupid. They may be small, but they were hardly harmless. Harm - was that even the right words for such small pills? Perhaps, liberation or freedom was a more appropriate way to describe them.

Glancing at her mom's body slung across the bed like a ragdoll, Bree wondered if what she had in her hand would help. Would they take away the ever-clouding pain? Would they brighten her day and make her not care?

Looking down at the floor, Bree focused on how her socks were wet. It had been raining earlier and the streets were filled with water.

Without answering, Bree went into her bedroom and set her bag down. Plopping down on her bed, she sent a fleeting thought… nowhere. There was nothing of consequence in her life, nothing that seemed important right now.

She held one of the pills up and watched as she rolled it between two fingers. It was so small, yet so powerful.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Sorry to end on that note, but hey we finally made it past the smut. So what are you thinking?**

**Did I mention I love you all? No? Well, I do, so much.**

**Lastly three ladies are too awesome for words, Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and lastly Dazzled Eyes22. Sloppy smooches for you.**

**See you soon.**


	14. Birthday

**Birthday**

It was still early, but Ben had a full itinerary for the day and he needed to get started. He turned the shower off and reached for the towel. His hand bumped something hard, moist and warm. Peeling his eyes open, Ben found Connor leaning against the counter staring shamelessly at him.

"I could look at you all day," Connor said with a wicked smile on his face.

Ben cocked a brow. "Hmm, you do quite often, but you know what happens then." He reached around Connor and grabbed the towel. Slowly, he dried his face.

Connor lazily emptied the water bottle, before he set it on the counter. Sweat was pouring down his face and his gray shirt was tinged dark with perspiration down the front. It was Saturday and eight in the morning, but Connor had already been out running. How far, only the gods knew. Honestly, he found that Connor was a bit of a maniac when it came to his exercise.

"You're right," he answered. Connor pulled his shirt off and unceremoniously dropped his shorts. He got in Ben's face. The smell of Connor was enthralling. It was musk, sweat, and all man as it mixed with the hot damp air in the bathroom. "_S_taring at you usually leads to _me_ burying my dick in your gorgeous ass." He smirked and Ben let out a shaky breath. That was true. Six days had passed since the baseball game and he could count on one hand, okay maybe two, how many times Connor had stared and it led to both wonderful and time consuming activities.

Ben lost his train of thought for a moment.

Connor turned the water on and slipped into the shower, smiling like a bastard. Now it was Ben's turn to stare, while he slowly dried himself off. This past week had been accident free. There hadn't been anymore bumps in the road or arguments, but only evenings and nights filled with excitement. Ben found himself seduced, body and mind. Every night, his bed had been warm. Some evenings, they had kissed for hours, just sharing sweet tender moments as they talked and laughed. Other nights had been primal, rough and wild. One thing was for sure though, when Ben had fallen asleep and turned over, Connor followed by crawling to his side, and snuggling into any dip or curve he could manage to find. It was kind of sweet.

As Ben got ready, Connor finished his shower, only to jump into another set of loose fitted track pants. The man hardly wore anything else, but then again, during the day he was always on the go. During the past week, Ben wore his perfectly ironed button downs and usually a slipover, while Connor was in his workout gear. They were a stark contrast to each other, but when the door to Ben's apartment closed at night and they were alone, they found each other. They connected with each other, both mentally and physically.

In the kitchen, Ben downed a glass of orange juice and his nerves started to run amuck. What if he was making a mistake? What if Bree hated it? Was he getting ahead of himself, thinking he knew what she wanted to do for her birthday? Sometimes, he wished he was more like Connor. He didn't seem to be so full of doubt, and merely acted on his gut feeling. Ben knew he had a tendency to over think things and today was no different.

Ben left the glass in the sink as Connor came in, once again messing with Ben's head by smelling like body wash and… Connor. It was a scent Ben had grown particularly fond of. Ben handed him a glass of orange juice, which Connor took and replied by saying thank you with a tender kiss. Then he chucked the beverage down in one slug and dug into the cabinet to pick out a bread roll from yesterday.

Over the past few days, Ben had learned a lot about Connor. One thing in particular was that he ate a lot. He wasn't picky at all. As long as it was edible, Connor was happy. Though they had hardly dated for two months and Connor had been gone for the majority of the time, they had spent the last six nights at Ben's. The bag Connor had left in Ben's bedroom was proof. The thing had practically exploded all over the floor.

"Connor?" Ben said. He looked up, feeling that damn insecurity just slithering through his thoughts and snaking around his mind. "Is it too much?"

Connor lowered the bread, when he was just about to take a bite. "Why would it be too much?" He looked mystified.

"I don't know," Ben shrugged. Why would it? He couldn't explain it. The feeling was just there, nagging and annoying in his gut.

Gently, Connor leaned his arms on Ben's shoulders. "Bree is going to love it. It's going to be just right. Don't be so nervous." Connor smirked. "Now what _I'm_ nervous about is _you_ and a surfboard."

"Shut up." Ben grabbed two fistfuls of Connor's shirt, yanking him closer, kissing him hard. Connor's mouth was cool and seductive as he kissed Ben back. The kiss softened, as their lips parted and Ben leaned his forehead against Connor's. "Thank you for doing this with me."

"You don't need to thank me." He smiled and took a bite of the stale bread. "I better get going. You have the address, right?"

"Yup."

"I'll see you in about an hour." Connor picked up a bag of necessities that Ben had packed last night and shut the door behind him.

Had Ben imagined getting in deep and emotional with someone new two months ago? No, definitely not. Did it feel good? Yes, definitely yes. Was this day that he had planned for Bree over the top? Well, the jury was still out on that one. Ben took a moment to rein in his nerves.

Leaving his apartment, Ben locked the door and walked down to his car. It was time to find out.

Driving to Bree's place, he kept drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, and hammering out a frantic rhythm. Suddenly, he could think of a million other things he could have planned for today, things that would be far more to her liking. He sighed. Where was Connor when he needed help him to stop obsessing?

Pulling up to the curb at Bree's place, she sat waiting on her front step for him with her chin on her knees and picking at her shoelaces. She was wearing slim black jeans and a dark gray tee. As she looked up, Ben couldn't help but notice that she looked tired. No, tired wasn't the right word. It was more like the exhaustion you saw in the eyes of an old man, who had lived far beyond his life expectancy.

"Hey, Bree," Ben said cheerfully when he got out of the car. Her real birthday was yesterday, so perhaps she stayed up late last night? Ben knew it was a weak chance that was the reason for her rundown expression. "Happy birthday, darling."

"Thanks," she said, like he had offered her a tic-tac and not a birthday greeting.

"You ready to go?" Ben asked, keeping his voice ridiculously chipper. What he really wanted to do was drill her with questions, but he knew from experience that he would get absolutely no answers that way. So he chose to wait and see if she opened up during the day.

"Sure." When he gave her a sideways hug, she actually leaned into him for a moment, like she needed someone to hold her on her feet. Bree didn't look up, but only kept her eyes glued to the sidewalk. Her face was shielded by her long loose hair and she didn't look up until he commented it was time to leave.

As they got into the car, Ben refused to acknowledge that Bree didn't ask one single question about what they were doing. That wasn't normal for a fifteen year old who knew a surprise was planned on her behalf.

"Put your seatbelt on, please, and hang on," Ben said, like he was about to floor the accelerator, which he wasn't. Once more, she did like she was told without moving a single facial muscle.

Gently, Ben put a hand on her arm when the silence and stoic behavior was driving him over the edge of sanity. Was this zombie-like behavior because he was forcing this day on her or was it something else? He had to know. "Are you okay, Bree?"

She looked down and nodded. "Sure."

"If you don't want to hang out with me today, then you don't have to. You know that, right?"

Her head snapped up. She opened her mouth, but it just stayed like that, open, like she was catching flies. She closed it again and sighed. "I'm just hungry, that's all. I didn't have time for breakfast."

Ben smiled. It felt false, because he didn't believe her for a second. "Well, I have something that will cure that in a little while." He set the car in motion, and turned away from Bree's street. Perhaps she just needed to warm up to be sociable today?

The drive from downtown L.A. to where Malibu lay nestled along the coast took about an hour considering the traffic. Ben hoped Bree's comment about being hungry was a ruse, and that she wasn't actually starving. If she was, she didn't say anything. Ben slowed down when he found the right street. Now, he just needed to get the right number. Still, Bree hadn't asked what they were doing. For all she knew, he was kidnapping her, and was never going to send her back to her mom. Today, that thought was more appealing than ever.

As the car was winding down the narrow road, the numbers climbed. Peeking sideways, Bree's face had started to display some emotion. Once in a while, there was a small smile on her lips or a look of awe in her eyes.

It wasn't hard spotting Connor's monster of a car parked just inside an open iron gate. Ben pulled up next to it, though he knew his sensible city car would look like a toy next to the glossy beast.

"We're here," Ben said, feeling somewhat nervous again. However, when Bree suppressed a small smile, he couldn't help grinning from ear to ear.

"Wow! You bought me a Malibu beach house. You shouldn't have," Bree mockingly said.

"Too much?" Ben asked playing along.

"Nah, I'll take it." Bree shrugged like it was no big deal. When they got out of the car, Ben watched her as she fell quiet again and took a long pensive look around the estate. It was luxurious and Ben wasn't even surprised Connor could borrow a place like this on a whim.

Ben thought for a moment. "Bree, I just want you to have a good day, okay?"

She looked back at him and frowned. "Uhm, I'll try," she said with a wry face. How sad that she needed to _try_ to have a good day.

"I'm going to trust you with something; I need you to help me keep something secret for this day to work." He paused, unsure if he was putting too much weight on her frail shoulders. "You remember Connor, right?" She nodded, and suddenly her eyes were alive with questions. She even smiled. "Connor is going to be here today. The situation is that his father is Peter Hayes, and I'm sure you know who he is."

Bree rolled her eyes. "The Governor."

"Yes, and here's the problem. You know I'm dating Connor, but his family doesn't know he's gay, and for now, it needs to stay that way," Ben said honestly. He had already discussed this with Connor, and gotten permission to tell Bree about their relationship.

"Okay," she agreed without further ado. Her answer was simple and clear, and she looked Ben straight in the eye. Ben already knew he could trust her. "Thank you."

Ben frowned. "For what?"

"For whatever we are doing today, and for not treating me like a dumb kid."

Ben smiled and put his arm around her shoulder. "You may hate what we are doing, but please don't think you're a dumb kid. You're a smart girl, Bree. Now, let's go have some fun."

They followed a path that led past the house, winding though a grassy area and down a flight of stairs to the beach. Behind them, the house lay like a mastodon in the hot July sun. It was an impressive piece of property.

Stepping onto the sand, Connor and Jessica stood looking like a shiny red pimple on a prom queen's nose. Birthday hats, huge smiles and a homemade sign held up between them saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BREE.

Bree stopped dead in her tracks, then split into a hysterical laughter. Ben wasn't far behind. This hadn't been part of the plan at all.

"They do realize they look really stupid, right?" Bree spluttered.

"I'm sure they do." Ben laughed. He had to wipe the moisture from the corner of his eyes from laughing so hard. "Bree, this is Jessica and you've already met Connor."

"Hi," she gave a little wave with her hand, still chuckling.

"Happy birthday, sweet girl," Jessica cheered. She was a part of the plan, even though she had never even met Bree. However, she surely went all out. She put down the sign and hugged Bree, like they were old friends. "Happy fifteen."

Bree was somewhat frozen. Her arms were dangling at her sides as Jess hugged her within an inch of her life. "Uhm, thanks."

"Are you hungry, because we have enough food to feed an army. You might want to make sure you eat before Connor does, or you may not eat at all." Jess stated matter-of-factly.

A sweet, foreign sound slipped from somewhere inside of Bree. It was a giggle, a gentle and bona fide giggle, one that happy fifteen year olds made. Ben smiled.

"Happy birthday," Connor said, before slipping the ridiculous pointy birthday hat from his head and putting it on Bree. She ripped it off immediately.

She took one huge step back. "Oh no, you don't," she warned. "You may not worry about looking like a damn fool, but that's your prerogative. I have my standards."

Connor looked pensive, before he nodded. "Good for you. Now, Jess wasn't kidding when she warned you about the food. Let's eat," he said like they were old friends. He pointed to the two large blankets unfolded on the sand with a huge umbrella creating some much-needed shade. Though it was still early in the morning, it was still July and the sun was unforgiving. The temperature was already in the eighties.

Bree moved closer to Jess, before settling right next to her. Connor leaned in and whispered in Ben's ear. "Relax, baby. It's all good." The kiss that followed was sweet and short. Ben looked around, now getting why this party was taking place on private property where the owners weren't home. There was no one in close proximity and no one to see them. This was the first time they kissed in public. It felt kind of nice.

Jess started to unpack, by picking a lot of things out of a cooler bag. Ben's brows shot skyward at the abundance of food. Jess had insisted that she took care of breakfast and lunch. Bree just smiled, and grabbed the cream cheese and a bagel.

Jess laughed, when she caught Ben's incredulous stare. She sighed dramatically. "I know, I know. My Moms went a little overboard."

"A little?" Then he paused, thinking about what she really said. Jess just continued picking homemade treats out. "Moms?" he asked.

Wide eyed, she looked up again. "Connor didn't tell you?"

"Jess, you are not the topic of every conversation," Connor teased. She shoved him hard.

"Anyway, I had my moms make this. They love this kind of thing. It makes them high or something. Really, don't ask me to explain it. However, to answer your question, I have a lot of experience with being gay, and not the sweaty and dirty kind." Her eyes flashed to Bree. "Sorry." Bree held up a placating hand, before spreading a thick layer of cheese on the other half of the bagel. "I have two moms and no dad. Did you ever see that movie, The Kids Are All Right?"

"Yeah," Ben said, reaching for a peach and sinking his teeth into it.

"That's pretty much my life. Well, not completely, because I was never _that_ involved in my mom's sex life or the stuff about the gay man porn. That was just too uncomfortable for words, or the cheating, but the safe and boring suburban life with two moms pretty much depicts my life."

"So what are the odds that you're gay, too?" Ben chuckled.

"Actually, I have no clue." She gave a little shake with her head. "Trust me, I'm just a poster child for a bigot's warning of what will happen if gay people have kids. Anyway, enough about that. Uh, Bree, you should really try the fruit salad. It's awesome."

"Yeah?" Bree barely had time to answer before Jess had scooped up a huge spoonful and served it to Bree on a small plastic plate.

"So I'm basically the only straight person here?" she asked, and then she gave out a snide smile. Her mood was thawing. "I hope it's not infectious." Everyone groaned, and then laughed. Connor actually threw a chunk of bread at her. "Okay, what are we doing here anyway? Well, besides eating ourselves into a coma?" She forked up some more fruit salad, and began chewing merrily.

Ben cleared this throat and swallowed the last of the peach. "Surfing, actually. Jess will be your private surfing instructor for the day and you get to boss her around." Ben bit his lip. This was what had him nervous as a cat crossing the road. Bree had never struck him as athletic or someone who even liked sports, but he had hoped she would think it was fun.

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm not exactly dressed for surfing."

"It's your birthday and birthday girls get birthday presents," Jess interjected. She dug a square box out of a bag, and the sun sparkled off the glossy paper.

Bree accepted it tentatively. It was clear she was somewhat uncomfortable. Ben had told Jess not to get Bree anything, because she shouldn't feel obligated. Though, telling her no was fruitless. Ben instead succumbed and explained Bree's size.

Inside the box was a sporty bikini, appropriate for a young girl, and a pair of matching girl's board shorts. Bree gulped. "Uhm, thanks," she said, fiddling with the pink and yellow top.

"You're welcome." Jess beamed, pretending to overlook the nervousness Bree was suddenly radiating.

Bree looked down. "Uhm, I'll ruin my make-up," she said like that explained why she was suddenly so withdrawn, reluctant, and definitely couldn't surf.

"No worries. I got something for that, too. Let's have some girl time and you can change in the house. Boys, clean this up, will you?" Jess ordered.

"Yes, ma'am," Connor said and rolled his eyes. Apprehensively, Ben watched as Jess took Bree's hand leading her towards the house. They were gone for about fifteen minutes while the guys packed the food away. Connor went to his car getting the four surfboards ready.

Ben's heart nearly stopped when he saw Bree. Was she even the same girl? The first and most significant thing was that all Bree's make-up was gone. Her face was clean of all the goo, and what a sweet face. Her blue eyes were clear and bright, yet wary. Her hair had been pulled back and folded in to a long French braid that mostly looked like a thick rope. She wore the swimsuit Jess had gotten her, but her arms were crossed tightly across her chest.

"Don't worry so much," Jess said to Ben as she passed. "She's just a little shy, but I got her."

Ben sighed with relief. He wouldn't have been able to handle that girly situation by himself and he knew it. This was why he knew he would need Jess.

Connor smacked his hands together with a loud _twack._ "Let's get started. First things first, Bree, you can swim, right?"

She nodded, still looking a little edgy. Ben hadn't been able to answer that question for her.

"Good. First thing you need is balance. Getting up on that board is not easy." Connor looked over his shoulder and out over the water. "The surf seems to be agreeing with us today and it shouldn't be too rough out there." He smiled. Then he went into a long tale of what to look out for and what not to do, while commanding Ben and Bree to jump around like crazy people. Ben wasn't sure this was what he had signed up for. However, it was strikingly clear that this was Connor's home turf. He was informative, helpful and above all, patient.

After about an hour, they hit the water. They had been through a range of exercises. It was clear that Bree had excellent balance, whereas Ben needed some work.

As they tackled the surf, Jess flanked Bree at all times, but it was clear that she didn't need it that much. She was catching on pretty quickly, a lot faster than Ben. Then again she was small, surprisingly agile, and had uncanny balance as she stood on that board grinning from ear to ear. Ben still had a bit of way to go.

"You did well," Connor praised, as he sat with his legs on each side of the surfboard, bobbing up and down the small waves. Ben mirrored Connor's position, awkwardly finding his balance when they were taking a small break.

"I hardly did anything," Ben said. Mostly, it was all Jess, and it was clear Bree was hanging on her every word. There was a sad and desperate edge to it that Ben didn't want to think about too much right now. He hated all the times Bree said she had no friends.

Connor grasped Ben's jaw roughly. "Would you just take a compliment for once?" He smiled and leaned over. The kiss was soft and gentle. Connor was like two opposites. He was often gentle as a cat, sweet and cuddly with words as soft as a feline paws, but other times he was wild and playful. He was a guy, all man, and when he used his brute strength, he wasn't afraid of leaving a mark. It was reviving and fun. "She's having a good time. She is seriously giving you a run for your money. I mean, look at that." He pointed about thirty yards away, where Bree was up on her board laughing and Jess cheered her on. "Look at that, and tell me that you didn't make that smile happen. I dare you."

"Fine." Ben relented, knowing Connor wasn't about to give up. "Thank you, Connor."

"Now what did I tell you this morning about thanking me." His tone was a mock warning. "However, I'm not opposed to you thanking me later in bed."

Everything inside of Ben moved south. He slipped off the board, trying not to be obscene, because jeez, he felt his body rise to attention below the equator. The cool water helped. Though, when Connor joined him and was insistent on driving him mad with his almost weightless body slipping against Ben's skin, he was powerless to stop it. Ben couldn't help the kiss that was neither sweet, nor polite. He groaned, knowing he was hard as a rock beneath the surface.

Ben broke the kiss. "Shit, you can't be doing this to me here." He was all out of breath and horny as man in prison.

Connor licked his bottom lip. "You attacked me, remember."

Placing his hands on Connor's smooth chest, he shoved him away. "Tonight," he said as a promise.

Lunch was a repeat of breakfast. There was way too much food, even with Connor present, but it was delicious. Ben wondered if he should offer to pay Jess' parents, but that seemed kind of insulting. Jess was obsessive with the sunblock, constantly adding another layer to Bree's shoulders and back. Bree wasn't used to being exposed to the sun like this. Fortunately, her shyness seemed to have evaporated. Lying around, digesting, and protected from the hot midday sun, Bree feel asleep in the shade next to Ben.

He couldn't help but appreciate the childish features on her face, now that he could see them. Sure she was a teenager, but it was nice to see her clear and bright eyes and a big smile on her face. If he could choose for her, she would always look just like this—healthy like a thriving young woman.

Lazily, Bree peeled her eyes open, and then she stretched, almost purring. "You know, it's really creepy watching people sleep."

Ben chuckled. "Sorry. You look so peaceful and pretty when you relax."

She snorted. "Have you been drinking cleaning products? I've heard those are dangerous."

"I mean it. You're a very pretty girl, Bree." For some reason, Ben felt like she needed to hear someone tell her she was pretty, because it was true. He wasn't sure she was told that fact very often. "You're also smart and surprisingly competent on a surfboard."

"I know, right? I hope we can do this again." Her hand flew to her mouth, but Ben peeled it away.

"Of course we can. I'm sure Jess and Connor would love to help."

She gave him a snide smile. "Connor, huh? He's a little young for you, isn't he?"

Ben's mouth popped open at her sassy comment. "Hey, I'm not that old."

"You're like _thirty_." She said it mostly like it was a dirty word. Ben laughed loudly.

"Yeah, well I'm only three years older than him, so I'm hardly robbing the cradle here."

"I know. I was just messing around with you. I like him, not like that other guy. What was his name? Eddie something? He was way too uptight."

Ben stared. She had met Edward once, and for like a minute, but that first impression had caught on. Honestly, it wasn't far off the mark. Edward was a bit uptight. It didn't matter anymore. However, he was kind of glad she had met Edward, because back then it had spruced a conversation about the fact that Ben was gay. Bree had been curious why it was that Ben liked boys and not girls. He couldn't offer her a scientific explanation, but for the first time, he was able to help mold a young mind that being gay was nothing dangerous or twisted, just a slightly different angle to how you lived your life. Today was proof. He could trust her with a secret, and he had no reservation about hanging around his new guy, while Bree was there. The only reaction he was likely to get from Bree was a snide teenage comment.

He grabbed a water bottle. "You should drink something, then we go out there again?"

"Sure thing."

As the hours bled into afternoon, they were out on the water again, and Ben finally got some control of his balance and managed to get up on his feet. It took a few tries, but he got it eventually.

It was dark when they packed up the cars. Mostly, everything fit into Connor's beast. As the last event of the day, they decided to have dinner at a local pizza place, before they headed back and Ben was supposed to drop Bree off. The place was packed. Once more, Ben was back to pretending Connor wasn't his lover, but merely a friend. What was astounding was that Bree never needed to be reminded. The snarky and teasing comments from the afternoon about kissing in trees and so on merely ceased.

"I almost forgot to give you this. Happy birthday, Bree." Ben slid the black box across the table. He was nervous. He had found the present online, thinking it was pretty and grungy enough for her. Bree wasn't the type of girl, who went for pearls.

He watched with anticipation as she opened the box. It was a rough leather bracelet that would probably wind around her tiny wrist three times. He had picked out two silver charms. One was a lion signifying her star sign and the other was a charm with two hands clasping each other symbolizing friendship.

"This is sooooo cool. It's awesome, Ben. Thank you." She didn't even have time to look up, but was already putting it on. He was right. It fit around her arm three times. What was more pleasing was that she had chatted like a waterfall all afternoon. She was out of her shell for once.

"I'm glad you like it. Finish your food or Connor will," he threatened.

"Hey!" Connor complained, but Ben just shrugged provocatively, like he didn't have a care in the world. What was Connor going to do here?

"I'm totally doggy bagging this. This is like the best pizza I ever had," Bree announced.

Ben bit the inside of his cheek, but he remained silent. There was probably another reason for taking the leftovers home, besides proclaiming it was an excellent pizza. They would just go shopping on the way back. From the way she was looking this morning, there was no doubt her mom was on a bender. It was becoming more and more frequent, unfortunately.

Ben and Bree said goodnight to Jess and Connor, and Bree managed to mutter a quiet thank you, as they parted. It wasn't because she was ungrateful that she could hardly get the words out. Ben knew she wasn't good with words of gratitude. It was uncomfortable for her. Ben understood being thankful for things in her situation was like admitting to abuse. That was a hard, hard thing to do. Bree, like so many children, had it easier if they didn't look what was happening in the eye, and told themselves that what was going on at home was normal.

The drive back was quiet and Bree kept tracing the drawing on the pizza box with her fingers over and over again.

As they pulled up to the curb, blood drained from Ben's face. Music was pounding from the windows and people were milling in and out of the entrance to the building. While telling himself it might not be Bree's mom holding that shindig, he needed to know for sure. Some of these people didn't look like they were on the right side of the law.

"Wait here, Bree," Ben said as he got out. As he took the stairs to the second floor two at a time, it became clear Bree's apartment was the center of attention. Pushing past the intoxicated people who were only adding to their delicate state with hard liquor, Ben searched for Bree's mom. Red hot fury was pounding though his veins. How could she be this stupid? Sure Bree was gone for the day, but a party of this magnitude was just obscene and irresponsible.

The apartment was a mess. Cans and bottles were littered everywhere, and the stench of cigarette smoke was foul. No wonder Bree looked so tired this morning, if this was happening every night. This was no environment for a child under any circumstances.

Ben couldn't control his words, when he spotted Bree's mother. They didn't talk much on a daily basis, but merely passed Bree back and forth like a child of divorce. He yelled over the roaring music. "Vicki, what the hell is going on?"

Her bloodshot eyes snapped to him, wide and instantly full of shame, before they lost their focus. She gave out a lazy, halfway unconscious smile, but otherwise didn't answer. She was busted and she knew it. There was nothing she could do to hide this mess. Nothing she could do to stop the snowball that just started an avalanche.

oooooOOOOooooo

The room was dark, but as Bree lay on the couch she could make out the contours of the furniture in the room. The sheets were crisp and smelled clean, fresh like summer grass almost. They made rustling sounds as she pushed them aside and got up. The legs of Connor's shorts sagged below her knees and she felt like a toddler in Ben's shirt.

The night had ended strangely. She had never seen Ben mad. He was always so calm and composed, but his almost chalky pallor, when he got back into the car earlier that night, had scared her a bit. Also, his voice had been hard and cutting when he actually spoke. He used that tone, as he said she was spending the night at his place. She hadn't put up a fight. She was suddenly too tired to throw a fit. She knew what he had seen. Perhaps, she had even let this happen. She could have stopped him.

As she moved across the living room and navigated the darkness with her hands out in front of her, a dull yellow light shone from the small hall. It was like strings pulling her, and guiding her toward the light.

Their conversation was quiet and hushed so she wouldn't hear, but then again, they thought she was sleeping. Peeping through the small crack in the door, she watched them, and saw something between them that made her jealous.

Connor had been at Ben's apartment when they got back. He had clearly been waiting for Ben. It was obvious that he wasn't expecting Bree to tag along, but Connor quickly masked it with a smile and didn't hound Ben with questions. Instead, he dug some ice cream out of the freezer and three spoons. Ben didn't eat anything. He seemed too frustrated, irritated, but he watched some dull movie while gnashing his teeth the entire time. It was Bree and Connor, who made a serious dent into the triple chocolate treat.

At some point, Connor had insisted on going back to his place, but Bree had almost begged him not to go. Ben didn't seem so sad when he was around Connor and right now, the last thing she could deal with was Ben being sad. She wasn't stupid or naïve. She knew Ben had seen enough and tomorrow, Bree was probably going into the system to be placed in some foster home or institution where nobody would care about her. Not that anybody cared now. So for now, if she could have just one quiet night before her entire world fell apart, she would take it. She needed it.

Adjusting her eyes to the light in Ben's bedroom, she saw Ben lying on his stomach on the bed with his head resting on his arms. The sweats he wore were too ugly for words, and his back was bare. There was a reddish burn to the tops of his shoulders, much like there was on hers, in spite of Jess attempt to protect her skin. Connor was there, too, resting on his side with his head in his hand. His eyes were so kind as he looked at Ben. Now and again, his large hand stroked Ben's back in a soothing way. It looked comfortable, effortless and nice. She liked Connor, mostly because Ben seemed so happy when he was around.

"I feel so stupid," Ben murmured. "I should have seen it. I know her, or maybe I just think I do."

"Of course, you know her. I'm not going to pretend I understand the mind of a teenage girl, but I understand what it's like to live with secrets. You get pretty used to it and it's sadly easy to never let anybody in. Maybe, it's like that for Bree, too."

"I kind of hoped that she trusted me enough to confide in me." Ben let out a lungful of air. "She's afraid of losing her mom, but from what I saw today, she already lost her, Connor. She was so drunk and fucked up on God knows what." Ben threw his head into the pillow and gave out a strange painful growl. All night, he had been a little too quiet with a deep line of frustration marring the skin across his forehead.

Bree swallowed the lump in her throat and looked down. She knew what Ben was saying was the truth, but she could go on denying it for a bit longer. Everything was fine. It wasn't that bad. It was just a few parties. Her mom was fine. She would snap out of it and there would be good days again. This was just a rough patch, nothing to cry wolf about.

Bree took a deep, quiet and cleansing breath and put her eye to the crack in the door again.

Ben was mumbling something into his pillow that made Connor shake his head. "You're not a failure." Connor's hand was moving in slow circles across Ben's back to soothe him. He leaned over, and placed kisses on Ben's shoulders. It looked nice.

The way Connor's large hand wove into Ben's long dark hair gently coaxing his face from the pillow looked nothing like how Bree had seen James touch her mom. This looked gentle, sweet and supportive. It looked like it was for Ben's sake, all for Ben's comfort, and not for Connor's own gain. Not like how it was with James. Everything was always for him, his way, his will. His hand around her mother's ponytail always had a possessive edge to it. His mouth on his mom's was hard and dominant, because he was so strong, stronger than her mom. Bree didn't like to see them kiss. It felt so wrong, almost passively violent. Why did it look so different when it was Ben and Connor? They both were so strong, tall and big, so it should seem rough and brutal, right? Though it wasn't, not at all.

"Come here, baby," Connor said quietly. Ben's upper body almost vanished when he moved and Connor's big arms wound around him. "We'll figure something out tomorrow. It's been a long day and you need some sleep." He kissed Ben's hair softly.

This was what made Bree so jealous. This thing they got to have, but she didn't. She didn't have a name for it, but she longed for that invisible thing everybody else had, yet no one was willing to share with her.

With a throbbing ache in her gut, Bree went back to bed holding her stomach. The sheets still felt nice against her skin and smelled good.

When she opened her eyes again, it felt like she had only just closed them. Her throat was sore and her head was pounding. She didn't feel rested at all.

Ben sat down on the end of the sofa setting a cup of tea on the coffee table for her. His face was serious and somber. "Good morning."

"Where's Connor?" she asked, her voice was pitching all over the place. Her throat felt like she had been screaming all night. It was raw and sore.

"He went for a run," Ben answered. He folded his hands in front of him, almost like he was praying. "I've been thinking all night, and I'm going to call Child and Family Services. I have no choice, Bree."

She sat up. Her spine suddenly felt stiff and inflexible. "Please, don't do that," Bree begged in a small voice. She knew the hope of changing his mind was slim to none, but life at home couldn't be as bad as life in a foster home. Who knew where she would end up?

"I have to. I have to do what I can to help you." He reached out, before putting his hand on her lower leg.

"They will take me away." Her heart was hammering a million miles a minute and she felt so insignificant and small. Her life was never in her hands. Would it ever be, or would she end up spending her life in an institution, where she would be hammering her head against the wall in a place where everyone else called all the shots?

"Maybe they won't, Bree. Perhaps they will get your mom some help, and get her into rehab or something that will help you both. I can't lie and say I know what is going to happen, but I can't sit by any longer." He paused, drawing several deep breaths. "Why didn't you come to me, Bree? I wish you would have talked to me and told me things had gotten so bad."

"That would make you the enemy, Ben. You're my only friend. If you knew, then I knew you would do what you're doing today. Please, don't call them. I'll survive. I'm fine." Bree knew she was lying. If she were fine, she wouldn't have taken those pills last week. That was the reason she could hardly look at Ben yesterday morning. Bree had been worried that he could see that she had done drugs. It had only happened that one time. She was so ashamed and now, it was clearer than ever that she couldn't confess to him. It would only make things worse. She suddenly crawled from the sheets, hugging herself to his chest, and clinging on with everything she had. "Please, Ben. I'm begging you, please don't call them. I'll do better."

He hugged her back. His arms were so tight it felt like he really did care. "You're not the one who needs to do better. I'm very proud of you as you are now, but it's not about _just_ surviving, sweetheart. I have to do this. I have to try to save you. I will always be here for you. I promise you. I will, but I need to get you some help and the only way I can do that is to call Child and Family Services."

"Please, Ben," she mumbled into his shirt. He held her tighter, but she knew the answer. She couldn't change his mind.

oooooOOOOooooo

**That's all folks… at least for now.**

**Thank you to all you lovely readers, and the few who plays with the review button. I'm grateful you're taking a chance on this story.**

**As always, 3 awesome ladies deserve some love—Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. Sloppy smooches.**

**Next chapter… not sure when that is going to be done, but soon, I hope.**


	15. Bittersweet

**Bittersweet**

"Come on, baby. Up you go."

Ben grumbled, but otherwise he didn't answer. He pulled a pillow over his head, shutting out the world around him.

"Nuh uh. Get up," Connor insisted and yanked the pillow away, before he swatted Ben's ass.

"You're annoying me. Go away," Ben griped into the mattress. Deep down, he knew it was fruitless. When Connor was in this kind of mood, he was like a group of pesky little ants marching all over your lunch.

"I know and I don't care. Get up, baby, or there will be consequences."

"Whatever." Ben lifted his head, and stared at the alarm horrified. "Connor, it's 5 AM!"

"I know. Jess just called. There's a huge swell coming in right now, so you need to get your ass out of bed and come with me, like right now," Connor ordered.

Ben growled. "I have the day off for fucks sake." That was when Ben felt the harsh pain shoot through his right ass cheek. "Ow," he sneered, before grasping his backside. He sat up some, rubbing his behind. "Seriously, did you just bite my ass?"

"Yes, I did and it got your attention. Now, get out of bed and let's go. You don't want to miss it." Connor was annoyingly hyper and simply too pumped up this early in the morning. A satisfied smile stretched across his gloating face.

"You're incorrigible." Ben didn't try to suppress his smile, as he rubbed his butt. That was going to leave a mark, not that he really cared. Quickly, he changed into the shorts that he wore underneath his wetsuit, a random shirt, and a pair of track pants, compliments of Connor. For someone who didn't do casual three months ago, Ben was definitely getting the hang of it. That was a consequence of being around Connor so much.

Connor had already packed up the car, and was ready to go. When they arrived at the beach, Ben finished his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The wind ripped roughly at their clothes when they got out. The whirling sand and sea fog made it hard to see, but you could undeniably hear the roaring surf. It was intimidating.

"You want me to go out there?" Ben asked, trying to swallow his sudden fear.

"You'll be fine. I won't leave your side," Connor promised, hauling his surfboard out of the back of his truck.

"I'm not a strong enough swimmer for that kind of surf," Ben argued.

"Yes, you are." It was clear that Connor didn't want to hear this, but then again he was an adrenaline junkie. Ben was only learning to be one. "You're strong enough and you are very capable on that board. I've told you this a million times. Have some confidence, baby, because you are much better than you think."

For some reason, Connor always had faith in Ben. He knew when to push and when to hold back. Connor was a pillar of support. He had backbone and Ben had come to realize this was why Connor was so good at what he did as a personal trainer.

For the past two months, Connor had made Ben see things differently. Ben had been very comfortable in the little bubble. He didn't take many chances, and didn't challenge himself, but instead lived a quiet and mousy life inside the glass jar that he created. Since Connor had come into his life, Ben realized that taking it easy and staying in your safe little world just wasn't possible anymore. To back that statement up was that Ben was at the beach at 5:10 AM wearing a wetsuit _and_ it was his day off.

When it came to strength and endurance, Ben was irritated that Connor was so far out of his league. Connor could easily run six miles, surf an entire day or see client after client for workouts then come back to Ben's place barely tired and ready for more action. Ben didn't like the feeling of being left behind, so even if he thought Connor was the competitive one, he had proven he wasn't a stranger to that feeling himself. Connor had been stunned when he learned that Ben did practically nothing to stay in shape, but still had been graced with some definition to his abs and hadn't grown a beer gut while sitting around doing nothing.

During the passing weeks, Ben had started to run and swim on a daily basis. He knew he was becoming stronger, yet having the same stamina and physique as Connor, was still ways off.

Ben tossed his flip-flops into the car and closed the door. He zipped up the back of his wetsuit and pulled his board from the car, well, Connor's old board. Most of the sporting goods that he now owned were hand-me-downs from Connor, but he didn't care. For the first time in a long while, he was having fun and his life wasn't just about the man he dated, instead it was about him and having a good time. Sure, his life was about Connor, too, but it wasn't about being codependent this time. It was more about finding a new side of yourself while being with someone who constantly challenged you. Being with Connor had been educational and a real eye opener. Connor had taught Ben about himself, but he had also shown him how good it felt to fall in love, while still holding on to yourself. It was complicated, but it felt good, most of the time. The only hurdle left was telling Connor how he really felt, but that would leave Ben too exposed. What if Connor got tired of him and dumped him? Ben knew he was deeply in love, but he feared heartbreak more than anything. He wouldn't be able to piece himself together after this one. By keeping his feelings to himself, he didn't need to be so scared.

"You ready?" Connor called over the roar of wind and waves crashing onto the sand.

"Yup," Ben answered, after sucking in a deep breath.

"Remember, I won't leave your side. Stick to what I taught you and you'll be fine. Don't forget to enjoy the rush." Connor's grin was wide and infectious.

"I won't," Ben called back, while wading into the water.

oooooOOOOooooo

Ben didn't forget. His arms felt like lead and his legs like cement when he dragged himself out of the water. The sun had burned through the sea fog and the wind was like a distant memory. It was almost noon when he had peeled halfway out of his wetsuit stopping quickly at the showers to rinse off. His hands and feet looked mostly like prunes, all scrunched up and wrinkled.

"That was awesome," Jess gushed. "Unzip me?"

Ben complied as he had many times now. It was like the three of them had formed an alliance. Jess was usually there when they surfed and she was turning out to be a good friend, even though they hardly ever saw each other anywhere but at the beach. Then again, that was every morning. The past two Saturdays, Bree had joined them.

Ben had called Child and Family Services that Sunday and the outcome had been far better than anything he had dared to hope for. A social worker had laid down the law to Vicky and she actually cleaned up her act. Apparently, having Child and Family Services breathing down her neck was Vicki's rock bottom. Bree's mom had kicked James to the curb and she was now participating in an outpatient program dealing with her alcoholism. The good days were back and Bree was on the mend too. She smiled a lot more. She was outgoing and happy most of the time—she was a teenager after all. Mostly, she was just happy that her mom was back. Vicky had been sober for a month now.

At first, Bree had refused to talk to Ben. For a week, she sent all of his calls to voicemail and cancelled their weekly homework session. She was livid that he had ratted them out, but when Vicky started to show some real improvement and take an interest in her, Bree slowly came around again. As her mood settled, Ben was let in once again.

Ben was huddled between their cars along with Jess. Her matte red Golf parked next to Connor's shiny black BMW created an illusion of privacy for them. Ben looked out over the beach seeing Connor was on his way in. Jess wiggled out of her wetsuit that was now entirely too warm to wear.

"You are seriously gaining some ground out there," Jess complimented.

"It's going okay, I guess," Ben murmured pulling a towel out of the trunk. He started to dry off, before rummaging for some clothes he had left in the car.

"Okay, you guess?" Jess laughed shaking her head. "Connor, does he know how to take a compliment?"

Connor snorted. "Never," he intervened when he was close enough to hear. "Would you listen to her?" he said to Ben before he turned back to Jess. "You should see him. Every time he sets his mind to something, he's like a machine. It's unbelievable to watch and really hot." Ben cocked a brow at Connor. Even though he detected the pride in Connor's voice, he was sure the blond was laying it on a bit thick, so Ben changed the topic.

"You want to grab a pizza for lunch?" he asked.

"Sure. Jess, you in?" Connor asked, loading his board into the back of the truck.

"Nope, no can do." She smiled widely. "My ex-girlfriend's in town, so I have plans."

Connor whistled under his breath. "Are you looking to patch things up with her?"

"I wish, but sadly Sarah lives on the East Coast, so that leaves about a measly three thousand miles between us." She shrugged. "Though, I wouldn't mind getting laid." Ben laughed, but he was getting used to how blunt Jess usually was. Then she sighed. "I can hardly remember the last time I had sex."

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Connor said generously.

"I wish it wasn't, but sadly it is." Jess pouted, adding to the theatrics. "It's been like a year." She jumped around dragging a pair of shorts on while she was still mostly wet.

"I think I would shrivel up and die if I didn't get any for that long," Connor teased, before throwing a sideways glance at Ben, who bit back a smile.

"Oh, no, you don't." Jess warned with a gleam in her eye. She wagged a finger at them. "You two don't get to say a thing, because it's written all over your faces every time I see you and it's disgusting. It makes me horribly jealous." She pouted again, but her eyes were smiling. Both Ben and Connor laughed. Jess' charm was undeniable. "I got to go guys. Have a great weekend." She jumped in her car and less than a minute later, the beat up engine whined as she pulled out of the lot.

"I'll call in an order to Antonio's," Connor said, while fishing his phone out of the car. Ben finished, discreetly putting on some clothes and his flip-flops. Boy, had things changed.

He got into the passenger's side and Connor drove to the restaurant to pick up their food. Ben's stomach growled as he paced to the back of Antonio's take out area, while Connor stopped by the local pharmacy to fill up his prescription.

Three days earlier, Ben had witnessed Connor crash from yet another migraine. It happened at his place. He hated seeing Connor in pain, but the satisfaction of sitting with him while he slept was undeniably good. He wanted to be there and to do whatever he could to make him feel better. Even when Connor had thrown up from the pain, Ben didn't even mind. He just opened the window in the bathroom to let in some fresh air.

Turning the corner, Ben almost smacked right in to someone.

"Edward," Ben said in shock. He was just about the last person he expected to see.

"Hey," Edward murmured quietly. He looked slightly uncomfortable, but he still had that irritating look of concern etched into his eyes. It had been like that for months now.

"How are things?" Ben asked softly. Seeing his former lover, there was one question that stood out in his brain. He wanted to ask about Isabella, but he wasn't sure that was any of his business. When he had gotten suspicious at first, his immediate reaction had been anger and betrayal. To Ben, it felt like his bed had hardly been cold when Isabella had started to show. He had mulled it over for a few days before Connor was able to get him talking. Ben had said it didn't bother him, but he wasn't entirely sure that was the truth. With all that was going on with Bree, Connor making his heart thump all the time, _and _Isabella's obvious pregnancy, his mind had been a bit chaotic at times.

"Good," Edward answered. "You?"

"I can't complain," Ben answered. It was true. He couldn't complain, but he longed for a little peace of mind. He knew that wasn't coming any time soon, though that was just too much information between old lovers. "I have the day off… long weekend," he said for something to fill the silence. He pulled some money out of his pocket, getting some bills ready to pay for their order.

"Sounds nice."

The silence grew thick and Ben really couldn't hold his tongue. He might as well let the cat out of the bag. Perhaps, that was a result of being around Connor so much. Beating around the bush wasn't something he did well.

"I hear that Isabella's pregnant," Ben said carefully, and then shrugged. "Not that she can really hide it anymore. I saw her yesterday in the lobby." That had been the final nail in the coffin. The less than subtle bump around her waist clearly told the truth. She was indeed pregnant.

Edward chuckled, and his eyes suddenly bright with excitement. He exhaled slowly. "Yeah. We're having twin girls in February."

"Wow, double trouble." Ben's brows shot up. He hadn't expected that. "Well, congratulations, Edward." He couldn't help but ponder how long they had actually been together for her to be _that _pregnant. The mental math on pregnancy was lost on him, so he let it go. He didn't want to obsess over it.

Less than a second later, he felt Connor's familiar arms wind around his waist hugging him from behind. His lips pressed to his skin just below Ben's ear. "Hey, baby. Is the food ready yet? I'm starving."

Ben cleared his throat, before grabbing a hold of Connor's arm. "Hey," Ben murmured. For one too brief second, he couldn't help but marvel at the feel of his lover's arms wrapped around him. "Uh, Connor, this is Edward, and Edward, Connor," he introduced. Connor's head snapped up, and his body tensed. They hadn't officially met, not that Ben needed it in anyway, but it would be rude to ignore an introduction. Besides, it might make Connor feel like Ben was ashamed of him, which couldn't be further from the truth.

"Crap, I thought you were alone." Connor's arms vanished from Ben's body, and he moved back.

"It's okay, Connor," Ben answered, knowing that Connor didn't have to worry about exposure. Even though Edward was nothing to him anymore, Ben knew that Edward wouldn't tell a soul. They shook hands and Connor took a step closer to Ben. Once again, Ben felt safe in Connor's presence, just like he always did.

"Here you go." A waiter placed three pizza boxes on the counter and Edward paid for his food.

Edward looked at Ben for a moment, but that annoying look of sympathy was still there. Ben didn't need for Edward to walk around feeling guilty or thinking that Ben was still pining over him. "Well, you have a nice weekend," he offered generously and then left.

"So that was Edward," Connor stated carefully, but Ben could easily pick up the edge to his tone.

"Indeed," Ben answered amiably. He wanted to take Connor's hand, hold him and kiss him to physically show him that Edward Cullen wasn't even a blip on his radar. Though Connor had just hugged him, it wasn't okay to show affection out in the open. Their relationship was still a secret to practically everyone, except Jess and Bree.

"He seemed nice," Conner kept prompting.

"He is." Ben tried to keep the conversation monosyllabic for the most part. He didn't really want to discuss Edward, because he feared how that would make Connor feel. He wanted to put the issue to rest. "Let's go home and eat," he said when the waiter placed two boxes on the counter this time.

In the car where no one could see, Ben took Connor's hand giving it a small squeeze, hoping to encourage him. Ben's phone shattered the eerie silence. "Hello?" he said.

"Benjamin Vasquez?" a female voice asked.

"Speaking."

"I'm calling from Dr. Gerandy's office. I got the test results for you. You're all clear." Her tone was professional and polite.

Ben smiled, and a weight fell from his chest. Oh, yeah. Between worrying about Bree, speculating about Isabella's pregnancy, and spending every free minute with Connor, there had been this too - the testing.

"Thanks," Ben answered. "Have a great weekend."

"You, too," the woman said and hung up.

Ben put his phone back in his pocket while looking at Connor. What the hell would he have done if that test wasn't all clear? In his mind, he relived an uncomfortable conversation with Connor. It had taken place a little more than a week ago. Mentally, Ben slipped back in time seeing them hanging out at his place and talking.

"We forgot the condom," Connor had said quietly when Ben was flicking aimlessly through the TV channels. They were on the couch in the living room.

"What?" Ben looked up quizzically.

"I said that we forgot the condom."

Ben's face fell. He hadn't even thought about it, but he was still feeling the relaxation from his climax less than half an hour ago. "So I was thinking, when was the last time you got tested, considering I'm lucky number thirteen?" Connor teased, but his tone had been a little tense.

"Uh," Ben frowned. "It's been a while."

"How long is a while and how many partners ago?" Connor had quizzed. He sat up straighter.

"Uhm…" Ben hedged when he realized he didn't have an answer for that. Connor had slowly raised his brows waiting for the answer that Ben didn't have.

"Protection?" he prompted.

Ben's shirt felt a little too tight for comfort. "Most of the time." He wasn't about to lie, but Connor putting into words what Ben had been sidestepping for a while now was humiliating.

"That's not very comforting," Connor had grumbled and slouched back on the couch. Ben knew where Connor's mind was and that was thirty minutes back, when he was fucking the living daylights out of Ben while apparently forgetting a condom. Great!

"Did you get tested?" Ben had asked pensively.

Connor huffed. "Of course, I did. Right after I met you. I knew Drew had been screwing around, so I wanted to make sure I was okay," he answered like that was a given. Perhaps it was, perhaps it was just an unwritten rule Ben had overlooked. Sitting on the couch, he was slowly shirking as the shame washed over him. He should have had the same courtesy as Connor.

"I'll make an appointment on Monday, all right? I'll get checked out."

"Sure," Connor answered, but his tone had been glum. Then he looked at Ben. Was that disappointment in his eyes? "You know—" He took Ben's hand, while linking their fingers together "- and I don't say this to be an asshole, but I figured you're too smart to be indifferent."

Ben didn't have a comeback for that one. It stung because it was true. He had been indifferent. It had been quiet for far too long, but Ben hadn't known how to fill the silence. Connor leaned to Ben's side and snuggled up to his body. Ben knew the sour mood was forgotten. "It's not a big deal." Connor put his hand between Ben's legs, cupping him gently. "Here's what I'm thinking. If you would get tested, how about you and I lose the condoms in general? I know I'm not doing anything I'm not supposed to and I trust you, so how about it?" He smiled what had become Ben's favored cheeky grin. "I liked how it felt."

Ben thought for a moment, easily reading between the lines. They hadn't talked about exclusivity, but it was rather clear that neither of the men really needed to. So far, Connor had been loyal, and Ben was more than satisfied with what he had. "Okay," he agreed.

Connor snapped his fingers right in front of Ben's face, bringing him back to present time. "Hey, you're zoning out. Who was that on the phone?"

Ben let out a small sigh. "Someone from the doctor's office. I have a clean bill of health," Ben said.

The smile on Connor's face was slow, but undeniably pleased as it spread from ear to ear. "That's awesome." He pulled up to the curb at Ben's place and shut the car off.

They were barely in the door, when Ben's hands were on Connor. They would just have to reheat the pizzas later. "Come have a shower with me," he whispered in Connor's ear and kissed his neck. Connor tasted like salt and his hair was stiff and matted from the ocean. "I want your hands all over me."

Ben sensed Connor's smile rather than saw it and followed him to the bathroom without a single word of protest. In the confines of Ben's apartment, they didn't need to be careful, they could just be who they were, and they could touch in every way they wanted.

The water cascaded down over them as they took turns lathering up each other's bodies, touching, playing, and stroking as they went. Their mouths were locked with their tongues caressing, which hardly left room for breathing.

Ben was losing his patience as always, when his need to taste Connor and feel him inside was skyrocketing. As usual, Connor was hell bent on taking his sweet time teasing him.

Ben grumbled in annoyance and Connor smirked when the worlds like _please_, and _I need you now_ were murmured. Connor's fingers were playful and teasing as they invaded, only to be pulled back, making Ben moan with the need for more.

"Turn around, gorgeous," Connor instructed, before slipping his hands through the water that was tumbling down Ben's body. Ben sighed, knowing his pleasure wasn't going to be postponed for much longer. This was an art they had almost perfected in a few short months. Their bodies complemented each other. Ben was almost as tall as Connor, making it easy to find each other when they didn't have time to get to a bed.

Connor's arm was around Ben's chest when he felt the blunt head prodding, and sliding against his backside so tantalizing. He arched, waiting, presenting, and wanting that heavenly intrusion into his body.

It was slow and everything it promised to be.

Bareback.

Simple.

Overwhelming.

"Oh, fuck, Ben. God, this feels soooo good." Though Ben was getting exactly what he wanted, Connor's moans sent electric shots down his spine. With his hands braced against the tiles and his head hanging from his shoulders, Ben absorbed the pleasure to the fullest, relishing in what Connor could do so expertly.

"I love seeing you like this," Connor words mingled with a throaty groan. "You're so beautiful."

Ben couldn't say much at the moment. His mind was all sensation. There were no words.

He felt Connor's hand wrap around him and stroke him slowly, only adding to his pleasure and impending climax. Having a boyfriend as fit as Connor had its perks, he didn't tire easily.

Ben felt Connor's teeth dig carefully into his neck. "Do you have any idea how much you turn me on?"

"Some," Ben moaned. Actually, he had no doubt, not once had Connor turned him down. "You feel so good inside of me."

Connor's answering moan was guttural. "Best place in the world."

That was it for conversation as they lost themselves in each other. Noises of pleasure ricocheted off the walls as the men hit their climax one after the other. Their breathing was ragged as they slowly started to calm down.

Connor's eyes were on Ben, and they were filled with unspoken emotions and smiles just at the corners of his mouth.

"Bareback, baby," Connor whispered. He turned the shower off and handed Ben a towel.

Later, Connor snuggled up against Ben, with his head on his shoulder as they lounged on the couch. The early morning was taking its toll. Ben's hand weaved into the blond hair, mindlessly twirling it around his fingers like he always did. It was a little funny how a man as tall and strong as Connor loved to just curl up next to Ben and be held. Ben didn't mind, not at all. In fact, he loved the feeling of Connor's body wrapped around his.

Connor twisted Ben's wrist when he had read about fifty pages of the script. "I better get going. I have a date with an old woman." He smirked.

"Well, have fun," Ben wished when Connor got up. He knew very well it was simply one of Connor's clients. This was Mrs. Larsen, a seventy year old woman trying to maintain her good health. "Will you be back later?" Ben asked, while putting the script down.

"Sure, but it will be late. I was supposed to meet up with a few friends afterwards."

Ben nodded. "I don't mind." He took Conner's face in his hands when he leaned in for a goodbye kiss. Several goodbye kisses. "Don't let old Mrs. Larsen drive you too hard now."

Connor snorted, before he stole a last kiss. "See you tonight."

Ben didn't do much for the rest of the day. He finished the script and napped a little since his wake up call had been far too early. When mixing some dinner for himself, he made extra, leaving a plate in the fridge for Connor.

Outside Ben's apartment, they led completely separate lives. Ben had met several of Connor's friends on the beach, but to them, Ben was merely one of the flock. Connor saw clients most days, auditioned endlessly and on many weekends, he would work as a skydiving instructor. All of that was in between surfing and spending time with his family. Wednesday nights, he would play touch football at a local park and other nights he was out with friends that Ben didn't know. They spent most nights together, always at Ben's place since Connor's mother's surprise visits could never really be foreseen. It was simply safer…. and if Ben had to be honest, it was better.

It would be up to Connor when he was ready to take the next step and admit to his family who he really was. Ben secretly looked forward to that day, but for now he was fine living the way they were. This couldn't be rushed and he planned to do exactly as he promised when the day came that Connor was ready. He would simply be there for him.

oooooOOOOooooo

Connor wasn't really sure why he had agreed to go out this evening. His heart wasn't in it, but for now it was easier to follow the other ducks, pretending he was still the same as always. It was just a bunch of guys from the Wednesday night football game, but still, his mind was somewhere else entirely. It was with Ben.

Connor wasn't paying attention to the conversation that was happening around him or the game running on the massive flat screen in the background. He just twirled his drink around and around waiting for time to pass, so he could leave. He had texted Jess, asking if she would come and she said she would be here, but she hadn't shown. Connor needed to vent and at the moment, she was the only one he trusted. She was the only one he could talk to without feeling like a fraud.

"Hey, long time no see. Where the hell have you been hiding?" Drew's voice barreled through the bar. Connor looked up as a proffered hand was shoved in his face. He grabbed it.

"Good to see you. I've been around," he answered.

"It's been months, man," Drew smiled, like he watched a Christmas tree being lit for the first time. "What's going on?"

"Nothing much. Working, mostly. How's life treating you?" Connor asked in return.

Drew moaned. "Like dog shit. My girlfriend kicked me out, so I need a new place to crash. Things didn't work out so well."

Connor laughed. "How long this time?"

"A month."

It was always the same story with Drew. He had a hard time sticking with one decision, one woman, or one choice, and that often brought a lot of chaos in its wake. "I'm sure you'll bounce back."

"I know." He sighed. When the bartender strolled by, he ordered a beer. Drew turned back to him and suddenly his hand was on Connor's shoulder. It wasn't simply a friendly gesture. Connor watched the hand like it was a wasp ready to sting him.

"Uh…"

Drew leaned in. His eyes beckoning. "I was thinking we could get out of here. Blow off some steam."

Connor peeled the unwanted hand from his shoulder. "No," he answered. His tone wasn't unfriendly, just decisive. He wasn't interested.

"Oh, come on. You know you want to," Drew smiled lazily, a smile that worked in the past when Connor had wanted to say no.

"Actually, I don't, but I'll tell you what." He picked his keys out of his pocket and released the one to his apartment. "Crash at my place. Don't steal my clothes, don't fuck anybody in my bed, or I will kick you in the nuts, but you can stay for a few days." Drew looked shell-shocked, though his eyes were riddled with questions. Connor leaned in whispering. "I'll be at my boyfriend's place. Don't do this again, Drew. We're friends _without _benefits."

Drew pulled back, before raising his hand in forfeit. "Hey, man, I didn't mean any harm."

Connor smiled. "I know. I just wanted to make my point clear. Call me when you find a place to stay." Drew took the key and Connor moved to the door. That was when Jess finally decided to show up.

"Hey you. Sorry I'm late. This is Sarah." Jess was beaming. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes sparkling. Oh, right, the ex-girlfriend. "This is my friend Connor. Say hi?"

Connor shook Sarah's hand. She was about an inch taller than Jess with long blond hair stopping somewhere below her waist. Her face wasn't exactly pretty. Her eyes were too close together, her mouth was small, and her cheeks round like a child's, but still, she looked friendly. Who the hell was he to judge? If Jess liked her, that was good enough for him.

"Hey, Sarah. Nice to meet you," Connor said.

She smiled, while holding on to Jess' arm. "You, too." Sarah studied him for a long moment. "I need to use the ladies'. Excuse me."

Connor had no doubt Sarah knew he needed to talk to Jess. He wondered if he looked as desperate as he felt?

Jess watched Sarah's retreating form for a moment, and then she bluntly asked what Connor knew he couldn't avoid. "Did you talk to Ben?"

He cocked a brow. "Did you get laid?" he asked in return, adding a mischievous smile. Her face said it all.

"God, yes. Finally." She sighed loudly. "Hey, stop distracting me. It's not fair. Just tell me you talked to Ben." Pensively, Connor shook his head. "Ugh, men. You're such idiots sometimes. You know that? You prance around like you rule the world, but when it comes to talking about your emotions you're all like a bunch of five year olds kicking nuts on the playground because you don't know how to talk to each other. I'm so glad that I like girls. We actually tell each other about what's on our minds."

"Stop ranting, Jess. It's not easy, okay?" Connor said sourly.

"Oh, don't pout. Look. Talk to him," she encouraged, while smiling.

"Then what? Learn that he doesn't feel the same way? I'll just end up like every other guy he's dated and that is out on my ass. I just can't do it. I don't want this to end. I want to be with him and that's going to be really hard if I go all mushy and blubbering, while telling him that I'm in love with him. Yeah, that's going to be fun."

"Over thinking much?" Jess teased. "Look, why do you doubt Ben so much? He's not going to do anything like that. Don't you know him at all? Open your eyes. He looks at you like you're God or something. That boy is in love with you."

"I highly doubt it," Connor answered dejectedly.

Jess reached up and took his face in her hands. "Why do you doubt that? Let's sit, okay." She suggested. Her voice was softer now.

When they sat down, Connor immediately started fiddling with the coaster on the table. "It's hard to explain, but he has these walls around him. Sometimes, it feels like he's on a different planet. He's there, but he is so guarded and evaluates everything he says. It's like I can't get to him. Other times… this is going to get a little personal." Connor bit his lip harshly. He never had these intimate conversations before, so this was new.

"I can take it," Jess answered, looking back sincerely.

"When we're in bed, you know, those damn walls are gone and there is nothing guarding him. I wish he was like that all the time, or that he could, at least, be in that place where I can reach him." Connor swallowed tightly. "I've never felt this way before. I don't know the right thing to say or do to break down those walls down. The other day I was so desperate that I almost told Lucy about Ben." Connor sighed. "That's why I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. If he did, then he wouldn't act like this. There wouldn't be this distance."

Jess thought for a long moment. "I'm sure it's not an act. He's probably not even aware that he's doing it." Suddenly, Jess' lips pressed into a thin line and she avoided his gaze.

Connor cocked his head to the side. "What the hell do you know?" he asked, feeling an arctic chill run under his skin. Jess swallowed and her eyes darted back and forth a few times.

"I really don't want to gossip." Jess suddenly looked sad and Connor connected the dots. Isabella. Jess was friends with Isabella. Jess was the connection between Edward and Ben through her friendship with Isabella. Crap! She knew the story from both sides and he didn't. "Don't look at me like that, Connor." She sighed. "Okay, remember I don't want to gossip, but Bella told me that when Edward broke up with Ben, he took it pretty hard."

"Yeah, he mentioned that," Connor answered quietly. One of his greatest worries was that he was pushing this relationship too hard. What if that distance was because Ben wasn't really ready to move on? The coaster broke between his fingers.

"So you talked about it?" Jess hopefully asked.

"In the beginning, we did, but not anymore."

Jess looked at him with so much sympathy that it could make a grown man cry. "Connor, you said he's had a pretty rough life and then there was the thing with Edward. What if he's just protecting himself? Aren't you protecting yourself by not telling him how you feel?"

"Yeah," Connor reluctantly admitted.

"What if you took a chance and opened up? What if you let yourself be that vulnerable and told him exactly how you feel? Perhaps, you could show him he can trust you instead of telling him. Lead by example, so to speak."

Connor slumped forward, banging his forehead against the table. "I wish it was that fucking easy."

"Look at it this way. A few months ago, you were scared to even ask him out. However, when you got the balls to do it, things turned out pretty great, didn't they?"

Connor glanced up. "Yeah, but that doesn't make it easier now."

Jess patted his hair a little condescendingly. "I know it's hard, because you're both thick headed men."

Slowly, he lifted his head. Jess actually had a point and that was why he had needed to talk to her. However, following her advice was easier said than done.

"Now, go home to your boy, and enjoy him. You're good together."

"Thanks, Jess," Connor said. He looked at Sarah as she came back. "You two have a great night and thank you once more for your sage wisdom." His tone was sardonic.

"I know, right. It's tough being so wise," Jess said too sweetly and Connor flipped her the bird.

oooooOOOOooooo

Even though he was mostly asleep, Ben smiled to himself when he felt Connor sneak into bed. As his lover locked his arms tightly around his chest, his warm body erased all traces of the pending desolation. It felt good to have Connor close. He was growing reliant on having him near, but he knew he shouldn't today.

"Did you have a good night?" Ben murmured.

"Yeah, but it just got better." Connor nuzzled into the crook of Ben's neck, before leaving a few soft kisses. Against his backside, Ben clearly felt Connor's naked body stir. "Go back to sleep, baby."

Ben sighed and did as Connor said, knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep through the night. Not tonight.

Ben turned over in bed, feeling that wretched ache crawl up through his chest. He had been naïve thinking this day would be any different this year. That frustrating loneliness was mocking him and festering in his body and it was only 3:03 AM. The next twenty-one hours would be very long. Every other day of the year, he was okay, but this day always seemed to put its heel to his neck and press down.

Next to him, Connor stirred, throwing his arm over his head and letting it flop to the pillow, as Ben glanced over his shoulder. Imagine feeling so lonely while this extraordinary and caring man was lying right next to him. Ben turned away again, sinking deeper into his depression.

Wide awake, Ben watched the neon numbers on his alarm drag themselves through the minutes, and with every shift on the clock the loneliness only got worse. When Ben reached a point where he couldn't breathe, he felt Connor move again and curl up to his back breathing deeply and untroubled.

Ben didn't even think about it. He was just desperate to escape the burning in his chest and replace it with something tangible that he could understand and control. Rolling over, he was instantly met with Connor's warm body. Ben started by placing small and hurried kisses on Connor's neck, frantically moving towards his mouth. The need in Ben's body was like a toe you had just smashed into the leg of a chair. It was positively throbbing and hurt like a motherfucking bitch. Under the sheets, Ben didn't take the time to be seductive or playful, he just went straight for it. Connor let out a soft moan in his sleep as Ben felt him grow in his hand. It took less than a minute to get him hard, exactly what Ben needed. He had sort of expected that, since Connor had proven to have a libido and a half.

Kicking off his underwear and without any preamble, he straddled his lover, while placing fevered kisses to Connor's mouth as he was slowly starting to come around. The need made Ben irritable. It made his skin crawl and itch like mosquitoes were constantly biting him. Lining up without any foreplay, without even making sure his lover was fully awake and using only a little spit as lubricant, Ben started to take him in.

"Jesus," Connor groaned, before opening his eyes and staring directly up at Ben. "What the hell…?"

"I need you," Ben managed to choke out, like his desperation was stealing both his ability to talk and to feel normal. Connor's hands were on Ben's hips, holding him back.

"You're going to hurt yourself."

"I don't care."

"Well, I do. Hang on." Connor rushed, as he clearly seemed to get that Ben was beside himself with his need for something, anything to kill the all-consuming loneliness. Quickly, Connor reached for the lube that was never placed far from the bed and was hasty about readying them both. "Go, baby. Take what you need."

Ben didn't hesitate aiming for what would kill the desperate loneliness eating him up from the inside. It was quick, hard and all consuming as Ben's vision flattened with the relentless intrusion that seemed to be the antidote to what he was feeling. It was over almost as quickly as it started. Ben didn't hold back when his release thundered over him, dragging him under and for a few glorious seconds completely killing the loneliness as he spilled himself on Connor's stomach. His lover wasn't far behind. His moans and staccato pants were all telling.

As soon as the connection broke between the men, Ben was right back swimming around in that pool of desolation. He felt so lost.

Silently, he moved away from Connor and quickly pulled his boxers on. As Connor cleaned himself of the mess Ben had made, Ben rolled to his side, facing away from his lover.

Ben was back to starting at the clock again. 3:16 AM.

Ben closed his eyes for a moment when he felt Connor's naked body align with his own. Connor put an arm around Ben's chest, hugging him. "As much as I love that ass of yours, what was that?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep, Connor," Ben answered, wanting more than anything to avoid discussing what he had just done.

There was a gentle pressure of lips to Ben's neck. "That was not nothing. You attack me out of nowhere—not that I am really complaining—then you just turn your back to me. That's not you, Ben. Am I being punished for something? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you didn't do anything," Ben refused, staring blindly into the darkness. Great! Now, he was hurting Connor. Just lovely.

Patiently, Connor started to stroke Ben's chest, gently running his fingers through the smatter of hair. "Talk to me, honey. Please. It's like you're a million miles away," Connor whispered.

Ben took a deep breath, knowing that telling Connor the problem he would just leave himself even more exposed to heartache. Besides, he never told anyone besides Anna about this. Frustrated, Ben just gave up. "It's my birthday."

"What?" Behind him, Connor propped to his elbow. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I hate this day. I just want to ignore it."

"Why would you ignore your birthday?" Connor asked confused and rather sad.

"It only reminds me of how alone I am in the world."

Connor lay down behind him again, hugging him closer, almost so tight that Ben couldn't breathe. "You're not alone." Ben felt small and warm kisses being placed between his shoulder blades. "I'll prove that you're not alone."

Having voiced his inner turmoil for the world to hear, Ben suddenly felt exhausted, just bone tired. He closed his eyes and let himself be dragged under, still feeling depressed and lonely.

The apartment wasn't exactly quiet. Ben noticed that someone was stirring and moving around. Taking a deep breath, he picked up smells that were usually foreign to his bedroom - tea, eggs, and body wash.

"I know you're awake." The bed dipped and Ben felt Connor's familiar hand run up and down his back. Ben grumbled, rubbing his face against his pillow. He rolled to his back opening his eyes. Connor sat next to him, smiling softly. "Happy birthday, birthday boy." He leaned down and kissed Ben softly. Connor smelled clean, and his breath was minty.

"What is this?" Ben croaked.

"This is a birthday the Hayes way. Now, be a good boy and eat your breakfast, then you're going to pack a bag and we're leaving town."

Ben blinked rapidly. "You didn't have to do this… I told you—" Ben was cut off.

"You told me shit and I'm going to prove to you that there are ways to celebrate a birthday other than attacking your lover at the crack ass of dawn. Do as you're told." Connor smirked.

"You can't leave town. I know you're on as instructor this weekend."

Connor shook his head. "I cancelled. Eat. We're leaving in an hour."

Ben propped himself on his elbows, though his head was feeling a bit foggy. "Are you going to tell me what's happening today?" This was so not what he expected.

"We're going up to my parent's cottage just outside of Big Bear."

Ben's eyes widened. "What did you do?" he asked alarmed. Connor and family were just too complicated for words.

"I didn't do anything. I asked my dad if I could borrow the cabin because my friend could use some time away. He said yes." Connor batted his lashes innocently.

Ben wasn't sure it was a good idea. He generally wasn't sure if it was wise to be around other people today. He never usually was on his birthday. He had the tendency to be in a foul mood. A little sullen that he didn't get to wallow in his self pity, Ben ate his breakfast. He appreciated the gesture of the fried eggs and toast that wasn't burned, considering Connor couldn't cook to save his life. Then he did as he was told and took a shower.

This was going to be a mother of a frustrating day.

Ben's phone beeped with an incoming text. The phone beeped again and again and again. He knew who it was that was, because Anna could never send a normal text, no, her messages were always a mile long, and got chopped up by the system into four or five separate ones. Ben's sullen face kind of lit up for a moment, when he reached for the phone.

"**HEY birthday babe! I know you're in a funk right now, so SNAP OUT OF IT! The sun is out, you are still…"**

"… **ALIVE, you have a gorgeous hunk of a man like Connor hanging on your every word…"**

"… **and hopefully on your EVERYTHING ELSE TOO, so get to it! START THAT PARTY! Me, I am right…"**

"… **there with you, cuddling you when you look like you need it, and most certainly kicking…"**

"… **your ass when you need that. Mostly kicking, I suppose, but then again, what else is new? Now, remember…"**

"… **I love you from here to the moon and back. Have a great day, and remember to love your boy. Anna."**

Ben turned to Connor. "Anna says hi," he said, because he knew she would have, if she hadn't been on a crusade to try to snap Ben out of his funky mood. Good girl, that one.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Sorry this took so long, I got distracted by life. Shit happens.**

**A special thank you to SqueekyZorro for the tumblr she reblogged. The boys made me tingle in my pants. Yay. **

**Lastly the awesome trio—Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. You're awesome!**


	16. Declaration

**Declaration**

The drive to Big Bear took a little less than three hours from Ben's place, including the stop at a supermarket to stock up on groceries for their stay.

Ben had been quiet for most of the drive, just staring out the window as L.A. grew smaller and smaller behind them. The air became fresh as they climbed the mountains and finally passed through the small town of Big Bear Lake. The scenery had changed dramatically from the industrial and often impersonal buildings of the metropolis to the green and lush setting of the mountains. Through his inner turmoil, Ben could breathe easier being so far away from everything and out where the sky seemed a million miles higher. Connor didn't stop, but passed through town and a sign saying 'You're now leaving Big Bear Lake.'

Ben looked over his shoulder. "How far yet?"

"Just a few miles. My parents' house is just on the other side of the town." Connor put his hand on Ben's thigh, giving it a light and encouraging squeeze.

Ben fell silent again, just watching the trees and the landscape fly by while savoring the fact that Connor didn't seem to think the silence needed to be filled with chatter.

Connor turned down a small graveled road, barely wide enough for his car. After about half a mile, he stopped in front of a closed gate with a small rusty sign saying 'private property.' Fishing out a set of keys they had picked up from his parents' place, Connor got out and unlocked the gate. It squeaked as he pushed it aside and left it open as they passed.

Nestled in between the trees was a wooden cabin that merged seamlessly with the rugged terrain. Getting out of the car, Ben took a deep breath of the clean and refreshing air. This was so what he needed.

"It reminds me of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," Ben said.

Connor chuckled. "I guess. Lucy and I practically spent every school holiday here. My parents could offer just about anything, but all we ever wanted was to come here."

"I get that," Ben said, while going around the truck pulling his bag out of the boot. This place was idyllic.

"Come on. I'll show you around. You haven't even seen the best part yet."

The inside of the cabin was just as rustic as the outside. Everything was wood and nothing was modern, but what took Ben's breath away and made his depression increase was the amount of family pictures crowding the walls and every available surface. It was the entire family and people who looked to be cousins, aunts, and uncles. As Ben observed them, he could practically watch Connor grow through the years. There was a specific collection of pictures, which were like a timeline showing Connor and Lucy along with their parents. Ben studied Connor from when he was a toddler, then a cheeky boy missing all of his front teeth, continuing to about the age of ten where he was sporting a very bad haircut before he developed into a chubby pre-teen, just to change into a fifteen year old hitting a growth spurt where limbs and body didn't really match and lastly, there was Connor, mostly as Ben saw him now—a man that stood tall with squared shoulders.

"That one was taken back in April. We come up here for Easter every year. Mom takes a picture and frames it. It's a tradition," Connor said.

Ben nodded. Watching all those happy faces did nothing to help his already glum mood. All the genuine smiles made the ache worse, because they all looked so damn happy. They were a family, not some lonely teenage boy cast aside because his father couldn't tolerate him.

"You okay?" Connor asked, studying Ben's face.

For once, Ben decided to be honest and not mask his discomfort with a smile. He shook his head slowly. He felt so guilty because Connor went out of his way to do something nice to cheer him up and yet here he was still feeling sorry for himself. He hated that he couldn't just snap out of it.

Connor pulled him into his arms and Ben dejectedly pressed his face into his neck. He smelled heavenly and his strong arms around Ben actually managed to obliterate some of his pain. Connor pressed his lips to Ben's hair, but he didn't say anything. They just stood there, holding each other for a long time. It was exactly what Ben needed. He needed to feel cherished for just a little while and forget the hurt boy inside of him.

"I saved the best for last," Connor said cheerfully, as he had dragged Ben through most of the house. There were four bedrooms: one master where they put down the bags, two smaller bedrooms—one with a queen size and one with twin beds further down a small hall—and the last tiny room two sets of bunk beds, obviously where the kids had slept, judging from all the old stickers on the doors and walls.

"So what is the best?" Ben asked curiously when he thought everything else had been pretty great.

Connor rolled the flimsy curtains aside revealing a stunning view. The modest living room with the large windows led out to a porch that ran the length of the house. From there, a stairwell dropped down straight into to what Ben could only assume was a small private lake. The picturesque pond was surrounded by a few scattered trees, with the horizon and the mountainside dramatically merging beyond.

"Wow," was all he could conjure up.

"I told you. The best. The lake's pretty shallow now, but in springtime it's almost up to the porch with water from the melting snow. Does this lighten your mood?" Connor asked tenderly, not seeming frustrated by Ben's depression.

"Yeah, I really don't mean to be such a party pooper. It's just—" Connor cut him off placing a finger over his lips.

"None of that. Kiss me instead and let's have something to eat."

Ben smiled and complied. Lunch merely consisted of ham and cheese sandwiches eaten at the kitchen counter.

"So the question is, what do you want to do now? We can go for a hike or mountain biking? We have kayaks, too, if you'd like? Or we could do nothing, maybe go to bed?" Connor suggested playfully.

Ben bit the inside of his cheek. He didn't really feel like going to bed. Sex was about the farthest thing from his mind right now, well, pretty much after the stunt he pulled last night. One thing did spike his interest though. "I haven't ridden a bike in years."

"Mountain biking, it is then."

The garage was well stocked with kayaks, fishing poles, skis, snowboards, bikes, and basically the works for any kind of outdoor entertainment. Ben stood back, while Connor made quick work of pumping air in the tires and adjusting the saddle so one of the bikes would fit Ben. Ben knew Connor was at home here by the way he knew exactly where to find everything.

The saying was true; you never forgot how to ride a bike. It didn't take long for Ben to master the skill, like when he was thirteen years old and thundering through the park back in New York.

The roads were merciless, winding back and forth in blind turns. At the same time, the ride made Ben's muscles burn with exhaustion. Sweat was pouring down his face and drenching his shirt, as he tried to keep up with Connor. He managed for the most part, but he promised himself that one day, it would be Connor chasing him.

They stopped every now and again, to admire the view and enjoy the solitude of the mountains. It gave them privacy and the freedom to kiss and touch, inappropriately on occasion, but there was no one watching here. It was more liberating than Ben had expected.

They sat down on a small grassy patch, behind a line of trees not far from the road. The bikes were left beside them as they sat, both gulping down water to rehydrate. Ben lay down on his back, staring into the cloudless sky. Connor moved closer placing his head on Ben's stomach. He automatically started to toy with Connor's damp hair, twisting and turning the short locks between his fingertips. Ben sighed.

"Feeling better?" Connor quietly asked.

"Some," Ben murmured, but in his chest the ache was still there. The pain he felt from when he was fifteen years old and no family who cared would never go away. "This is the only day where I feel like I've failed."

Connor shifted his weight, looking Ben in the eye. "How can you think for a second that you failed anything?"

"The pain. The loneliness. I couldn't be the son that my father wanted," Ben answered softly. "I'm not even entirely sure my father wanted a son, or even a child. If that were so, how could he send me to the streets to fend for myself when he disagreed on one simple outlook on life? Perhaps, he was just waiting for an excuse. He was a strange man."

Connor huffed. "I don't think he was a man at all." He plucked a few stands of grass and started to peel them apart. "If he was a man, he would have taken care of his family and his son. He may not agree with your sexuality, but nonetheless he should have protected you. You are his family. That's what a man does."

"You make is sound so simple."

"To me, it is simple. You take care of and provide for your family. That's all there is to it."

Ben smiled into the sky, dragging his fingers through Connor's moist hair. It was nice to hear those very strong opinions on family when he had none. It made him feel protected for once in his life. Connor had some strong family values.

It was twilight was when they pulled the bikes into the garage. Ben felt different. If it was due to the exercise or Connor's words from earlier, he couldn't tell. He decided not to obsess over it as they dragged out two deck chairs onto the massive porch.

"How deep is that lake?" Ben asked, studying the water from over the railing.

"At least nine feet, probably a bit more."

"Is it clean?"

"Clean enough to drink," Connor answered.

"Is it cold?"

Connor evaluated for a moment. "It's not a hot tub, that's for sure. It's a bit cold and it will make your nuts shrivel to the size of peanuts, though sometimes it's pretty warm. It depends on how hot the spring was."

Ben looked back over his shoulder. "In other words, you don't have a clue?" He smirked.

"Yeah, I don't have a clue this year," Connor admitted and set the cushions down on the deck chairs. "There's only one way to find out. Jump in, if you want."

Ben yanked his sweaty shirt off and left his pants on the porch. As Ben took off down the stairs, Connor chuckled behind him. "Pussy! The rest of us jump from the railing." Provocatively, he cocked a brow.

Ben grumbled under his breath, before succumbing to his fate and walked back up the stairs. He kept his balance on the narrow railing for barely a second, before hurling his stark naked body into the water below.

The spring must have been cold as hell, because the water was freezing. However, it felt oh so good and was dulling the ache in his chest. Taking another deep breath, he dived deep, while swimming for the bottom. His head was about to explode from the icy water and the pressure, but he managed to reach the slick rocks at the bottom of the lake.

Leisurely paddling around the cold water, Ben was enraptured when Connor pulled his shirt off and moved around the porch. It didn't matter that he saw Connor naked practically every day. He was still a magnificent sight.

Ben dragged his freezing body out of the water Connor was ready with a big fluffy towel for him. He sat down at the foot of one of the chairs with Connor right behind him. Connor slipped his hands around his waist and chuckled when he cupped him. "I'm guessing that was some cold ass water." Ben laughed and nodded. Just like Connor promised, his nuts had shriveled to practically nothing.

"I can't believe how quiet it is out here," Ben said softly. He leaned back into Connor's embrace, savoring the warmth radiating off his body.

"How's the mood?"

"Better," Ben answered, before staring at the sun dropping below the horizon and plunging the mountains into darkness. Instantly, the temperature started to fall.

Connor sighed and placed a soft kiss on Ben's cheek. "This morning, I felt so miserable, though I'm not sure that's even the right word. Your birthday should be something special."

"It's just a day like all the others," Ben countered.

"You're wrong," Connor said steadfast. He closed his arms tighter around Ben's waist, pulling him closer. "I have another opinion about today. This day is special to me, because twenty seven years ago the most amazing and gorgeous man I ever had the privilege of meeting was born. You may not value the day, but I do." Connor pressed his face into the crook of his neck like he was suddenly seeking solace. "I want to make you a promise, because the way I was raised a birthday is important. I know I can't erase what your parents have done, but I can try to make it better. So for as long as you can stand me, I promise that on your birthday I will do my best, so you won't feel depressed or alone."

"Connor, it's not a big deal. You don't have to do that," Ben dismissed.

"Yes I do," Connor argued, while his tone was taking on a soft seductive tease. He pulled in a massive breath, like he was about to fight a tiger. "I want to make that promise, because I'm madly and a bit irrationally in love with you. You're the most astounding and beautiful person I've ever met and you make my head spin and heart race every time I see you."

It felt like all the air was sucked from Ben's lungs. Had he heard him right? He wasn't sure. His body started shake and he felt colder, like his body couldn't contain what was happening. Had Connor just put into words what Ben was feeling in secret? Had Connor just said out loud that he loved him, and that he was _in love_ with him? It felt unreal and a bit dangerous. Ben hadn't intended to fall in love, but he had. He knew that. The safety and comfort he had felt being with Connor was intense and palpable, but he knew he never truly acted on it.

His reverie was interrupted by another sigh from Connor. Ben looked over his shoulder meeting his lover's intense blue gaze when he continued. "I know things aren't easy for you and I understand that. You keep having these walls up around you and I get that, but it makes me worry that you don't feel the same way about me. When I think, I mean _really_ think about it, I believe that you do feel the same way, but you just can't say it because that's not how you're wired. I want you to know that you don't need to be afraid with me. I'm here and I'm telling you that I love you just the way you are." Connor paused, before placing feathery kisses long Ben's neck. He then drew in another deep breath. "I want us to aim for more, like a future together, but for that to happen, you need to let your guard down, Ben and let someone take care of you for once."

Ben's breath was unsteady because it was like Connor picked those words right out of his brain. That was exactly how he felt. He was petrified. Was this why every relationship he ever had had failed? Was it because he didn't open up? Here, he thought he was always so giving when it came to partners, but in reality he offered nothing of himself and only focused on somebody else. Staring into his gentle and beautiful eyes, Ben understood that Connor was the first man who ever saw that. He was the first man who offered something so personal that it would tear Ben apart and leave him too exposed to ever recover. Connor offered to take care of him. He offered what Ben never had been given before.

Ben's lips trembled and he knew he was coming apart at the seams. He could feel himself tearing wide open and it was unsafe. Ben had dealt with a lot of shit in his life, but he had done it on his own. He knew how to function that way, but here was this man, this beautiful, selfless man who wasn't supposed to be anything but a rebound guy, and he was offering him the one thing that was missing in his life—safety. Connor hit him straight in his heart, tearing down the walls that Ben had spent years building for his own protection. He almost felt betrayed that his defense didn't work now.

Ben tried with all his might to push back the wave of emotions. He hated the moisture in his eyes, the stuffy feeling to his nose and weakness he displayed. It wasn't fair. Ben looked away ashamed.

"Hey," Connor mused softly, pulling Ben to his chest. He tried to tame his breakdown, but the force of his tears was stronger. Mashing his face against Connor's chest, he started to weep quietly. He wept for the fifteen-year-old boy that nobody had wanted to take care of.

Curled up against each other on the deck chair, Connor's hand rhythmically moved up and down Ben's back in a soothing motion. "It's okay, honey. Just let it out," Connor whispered over and over again.

Strangely, if felt good to let go, but at the same time Ben couldn't repress the feeling of failure. He never wanted to be so frail with anyone. He couldn't afford to let this happen. It would leave him like bait for hungry wolves.

With his hands fisted around the towel and his face pressed against Connor's chest, Ben fell apart. His resolve and defense crumbling like ash in a breeze.

"Let me take care of you," Connor whispered.

"No," Ben croaked. His voice barely audible.

"Yes, let go, Ben. Let me in."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. Don't you love me?" Suddenly, agony and doubt was palpable in Connor's voice, because he, too, was going out on a limb. He was giving it his all. He was willing to sacrifice their relationship for a chance that it may flourish.

Ben's breath was sawing in and out of his chest. He couldn't lie, but it didn't feel fair that Connor pressured him like this. He couldn't protect himself when he did. "Yes." Ben's answer was a garbled plea. "Yes, I do."

Connor only held him tighter. "Then let me in."

"I'm scared," Ben whispered as pain lashed through him. This was the crux of the matter—his inability to handle pain. If he let go and took the chance, what would happen if things didn't work out? Would he heal again? What if he didn't?

"Scared of what?" Connor pulled back a little. His face was inches from Ben's. He tenderly traced the back of his hand down Ben's cheek.

"Of hurting. I don't want to hurt anymore."

"You don't have to," Connor murmured. Gently, he started catching wayward tears with the pads of his fingers. "You don't have to carry the entire word on your shoulders, Ben. I want to be with you, I want to take care of you, and to make you feel safe and loved. You're everything to me."

Using all his might, Ben forced the humiliating tears to subside, and he was able to bite back the previously uncontrollable emotions. He reached out, tenderly running his fingers across Connor's lips. It was time to stop wallowing in the past when his future could very well be right at his fingertips. It had been time for a while, but when you're stubborn, you need that push that made the ground vanish under your feet.

"I do love you, but give me a little time. I've survived this way for far too long to simply change overnight," Ben said.

"I know." Connor kissed his fingers. He leaned his forehead to Ben's. "Take all the time you need, gorgeous. I'm not going anywhere."

Ben smiled weakly, before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Connor's mouth. He laid his head back down inhaling Connor's masculine scent. This was exactly what he wanted—a man. More importantly, he needed someone capable of dealing with all of his baggage. On the surface, everything might look fine, but Ben knew it was all a lie. He was like a house of cards if anybody looked closely. Now, Connor had and he was still here.

It wasn't until it was completely dark that Ben peeked up. He had needed the silence to sort out his mind and his emotions. It had felt like waves continuously crashing against the shore waiting for the calm of tide for things to settle. Now that was slowly happening and as he looked up, he was unable to stop focusing on Connor's mouth. His lips were full and Ben knew just how soft they were.

The kiss was supple and wet, while the longing and desire started smoldering underneath all the emotions that had been spilled.

"I want you," Ben whispered into Connor's mouth. His hands drifted south, following the contours of his lover's firm body. Connor groaned. When the kiss broke, Ben didn't stop, but continued to place openmouthed kisses along Connor's scruffy jaw. Large hands knotted into Ben's hair.

"You have me."

"That's not what I mean," Ben mouthed against Connor's throat.

Connor tilted his head out of the way, leaving room for Ben to continue kissing down his neck. The taste of him was salty. "I know." He rolled to his back on the deck chair with Ben straddled across his waist. "Can we talk for a moment?" Connor asked.

Ben pulled away and frowned. "More talk?" He wasn't entirely sure that was a good idea. It might bring out more embarrassing outbursts.

"This is different." Connor looked down, studying his hands that were on Ben's waist. "I want to take a chance, too," he said after a silent moment. His eyes were suddenly nervous, anxious. "I want to try something. I want you to take me. I want to try bottoming."

Ben gaped, while staring sincerely into his eyes. "Are you serious?" This was without a doubt the farthest thing from his mind, probably because Connor had refused the mere possibility of bottoming months ago.

"Yeah. You said once that if I ever wanted to experiment…" Connor looked down again, which was his tell when he was feeling insecure.

Ben palmed Connor's face. "This has to be for you, honey. If this is something that you really want to try, then I'm all for it. I can top. I've tried it before, but it's not something that I need. I'm pretty satisfied the way things are."

Connor smirked, before moving his hands and running them down Ben's chest. "Things are pretty damn good, but this is for me." He wet his lips. "I've grown curious. The look on your face every time we make love is so special and the way you give in to the pleasure is extraordinary. What if I'm missing out, just because I'm being a stubborn ass?" he smirked. "Pun intended."

Ben chuckled. "You are stubborn, horribly stubborn, but that's just the way you are." He leaned in placing a wet kiss on Connor's mouth. "If you want to try, then I'll be honored."

"I want to try," Connor confirmed. "I trust you." His hands moved to Ben's shoulders, while his fingers splayed along the lines of muscle and sinews on his throat. Connor's eyes were wary, and his mouth set in a tense line.

"You can ask me anything you want," Ben encouraged. To him, it was clear that unanswered questions were at the forefront of Connor's mind.

Connor's eyes dropped, staying down for a several heartbeats. "What if I'm not… clean at the back door?" He paused. "With you, things never seem to get messy," Connor said quietly.

Ben smirked. "I told you. I'm a damn good bottom." Connor smiled in return, and his eyes were gleaming with sudden humor. Ben palmed his face, running his thumbs down his nose. "All jokes aside. I know my body very well. If that's not enough, I clean myself. It's pretty simple. I don't appreciate messy situations."

"It happens." Connor shrugged.

"Not for me."

Connor snickered. "No, because you're a damn good bottom, baby." He grasped Ben's naked ass, being a little less than gentle. "Tell me what I need to do."

"Go take a shower, hot stuff," Ben said when he finished explaining the process of douching. "When you're ready, I'll give you a peek into my world."

"Can't wait," Connor said, as he headed for the shower. Ben sat staring at the mirrored image of the moon on the surface of the lake. What an intense day? It felt like it was too much for one mind to grasp all that just happened. Did Connor really love him? Could it be true that they both felt the same way? Usually, Ben prided himself on being a good people reader, but perhaps he couldn't see past his own nose. Connor was a _what you see is what you get_ kind of guy. After mentally evaluating the past few months, it was clear that Ben had been blind as a bat. Connor had from day one shown interest in him. He had been there when he said he would. He was always ready to help, offer words of comfort and support when Ben needed it. What had he done? Taken most of it for granted and not given anything himself. He suddenly felt selfish to the bone. He hadn't been there for Connor like he had been for him. Like this weekend, Connor went out of his way to make him feel better and here Ben was a grade A idiot for not seeing it.

"I'm ready?" Connor's hands on Ben's shoulders made him jump. He looked up.

"So am I," Ben answered, though the meaning was quite different. He was ready to open up or at least try. Well, heroes weren't created in a single day. Ben didn't say anything right now, but instead lead Connor back to the bedroom.

Connor was nervous, that much was obvious. His kisses weren't as assertive as they usually were, and it was clear that his mind kept escaping, probably circling around his assumption that bottoming was just miserable pain.

Ben's lips moved over Connor's chest, leaving a path of gentle kisses. Straddled across his lover's stomach, Ben pulled back. "First of all, you need to relax. We're not going to get anywhere if you don't. In any case, it could take a few tries, so don't be disappointed if we don't succeed tonight," Ben said softly.

"Okay."

"Now, close your eyes and just focus on your breathing," Ben prompted. He leaned down, letting his tongue meet the soft patch of skin below Connor's ear. Gently, he sucked the earlobe, listening to his breathing. If there was one thing Connor knew, it was how to control his body. He exercised that kind of control every single day. His exhales came slower, filling the room with relaxed rhythmical breaths.

Slowly, Ben moved south, leaving a trail of moisture from his mouth as he went. He listened intently to Connor. It was paramount that he didn't let his fear get ahead of him.

Ben' eyes fell closed when he took Connor into his mouth, locking his lips around his ridged flesh. Using his tongue, he followed the contours of the head and shaft all the way down as deep as he could go. He took his time, working Connor with his hands and mouth until he was about to come. It happened on its own accord. It was the sign that Connor was comfortable and ready to experiment a little. He hiked one knee up, letting his leg fall to the side.

"Jeez, your mouth feels so good it should be illegal."

Ben chuckled and moved north, leaving a trail of gentle kisses as he went. He grasped Connor's hand, guiding him down. "Stroke yourself." He obliged, as his eyes locked with Ben's. Connor's eyes closed for a moment, absorbing the sensation, while Ben squirted lube onto his fingers. Reaching down, Connor tensed and his breath got caught in his chest. "I'll go slow, okay."

Connor nodded. "It's just nerves. They never really work in your favor." Ben smiled in response. He knew that.

"Relax the best you can, baby. All you have to say is stop and it stops." Connor inhaled through his teeth and a slight tremor ran over his skin when Ben touched him. He was massaging without penetrating, just slipping his fingers across the sensitive nerve endings while he followed Connor's breathing surreptitiously. "How's this? Is this okay?"

Connor nodded, pushing his face into the crook of Ben's neck. He nibbled gently. "It feels really nice." He moaned softly.

Their kissing grew frantic as Ben teased the susceptible entrance lightly. Beneath his fingers, he could feel his lover adjust, as his body relaxed in step with his arousal. Lining up one finger, Ben broke the kiss.

Their eyes locked. "Relax and breathe," Ben murmured. Slowly, he sank his finger into Connor's ass.

"Ahhhh," Connor moaned loudly.

"Is this okay, too?" he whispered. Ben's breath was fanning across Connor's face.

Connor nodded, as his eyes rolled back into his head. Ben pulled back slowly, before pushing in again. "Ohhhh, yeah." He panted. "Fuck, I like that. That feels incredible."

A huge grin spread on Ben's face. He leaned over Connor and kissed him. "This is only my finger, baby. Just you wait." Ben swallowed tightly. He knew exactly what Connor was feeling and he personally loved it. Now, giving Connor that pleasure for the first time was his responsibility. It wasn't something that he took lightly. Adding a little more lube, Ben spread it carefully. The power of making Connor feel so good was too sweet for words.

"Ready again?" Connor nodded breathlessly, while their eyes met. "Relax," Ben prompted, when Connor started to tense. Talking his time, he waited until he felt Connor loosen up again. "Good job." Taking it a step further, Ben penetrated his lover with two slick fingers this time.

"Ungh… oh, fuck." Connor growled, while pushing down and greeting Ben's intrusion. "Unbelievable! Oh my god! Holy fuck! I like this. Fuck, I love this!" Ben was a little surprised Connor was this verbal. Sure, there had been an occasional '_fuck'_ thrown into the mix when they had sex previously. Nevertheless, right now, Ben found the profanities a massive turn-on. Normally, he didn't favor the more colorful language, but now, this was the two of them in bed and getting praise like this was pretty amazing.

Pumping his fingers, while listening to Connor's moans, Ben was itching to see what would happen next. When he could take two fingers so easily, going bigger didn't seem like an obstacle.

"You ready for the real deal?" Ben asked softly, as he kept teasing him with his fingers as Connor stroked himself. The sound of Connor's hand slipping and sliding over himself was like music to Ben's ears.

"Fuck, yes."

Ben smiled, relishing the hunger in Connor's eyes. "I need you to roll over and push one leg out to the side." They kissed softly and tenderly, before Connor turned and pressed his cheek against the pillow. Ben leaned over him and kissed him between his shoulder blades. "Remember, all you have to say is stop. Don't let me hurt you by pushing yourself too far."

Connor took Ben's hand and linked their fingers with the back of his hand to Ben's palm. "You won't hurt me. I want you so much."

"Breathe, beautiful. Slow. Deep. Breaths. And relax," Ben whispered. He was generous with the lube as he coated himself, before he, with the utmost care, very slowly stretched Connor and eased himself into his lover. All that sensation almost made Ben blackout. He kept moving slowly with tiny careful thrusts and Connor started growling through his teeth. He let go of Ben's hand and grabbed fistfuls of sheets, which turned his knuckles bone white. His skin was wet with perspiration from the effort.

"Stop," Connor gritted.

"Okay." At that same second, Ben was ready to pull out.

"No, stay inside of me," he panted. "Just give me a second. This is so intense, but fuck it feels good." He panted. "Unbelievably intense."

Trying not to move deeper, Ben leaned forward, slowly stroking Connor and hoping to help him adjust. He understood the overwhelming feeling perfectly. "Remember to relax, baby. Breathe through it." Connor's growls slowly started to turn to moans of pleasure again. Ben kissed his lover's moist back. "Your ass is so tight. I can't even begin to explain how incredible you feel."

"Yeah?" Connor moaned sounding surprised that being inside him was less than spectacular.

"Yeah," Ben acquiesced. "You okay to continue?" Connor nodded. His face was entirely flushed with heat.

"I'm good. God, I feel so good. Painfully good."

"That's the point." Ben started moving a little faster as he clearly felt Connor had adjusted to the harsh intrusion and accepted all of him. He was still going extremely slow, while having his hand on Connor's hips. This was more than he ever expected, perhaps even knew he wanted.

"Oh… mmm… aaahhh," was all that Connor managed to say for awhile. "Oh god, oooohhhh… more. Ben, please. Fuck, I can't hold it." Connor hissed, before pushing his body back and greeting Ben's thrusts. "Oh, jeez… OH! Imma… ungh… Fuck!"

"Give in to it. Don't think about it," Ben encouraged, when clearly Connor thought he needed to hold back. "Let go, baby." With that, Ben more than clearly felt Connor's orgasm tumble through his body as much as he heard the loud appreciative grunts of pleasure. "That's it, baby," he praised, while gasping for air. Ben leaned forward peppering featherlight kisses on Connor's back. He slowly started to thrust again, because he was somewhat in pain at just sitting halfway in. "This okay?" Ben whispered in Connor's ear.

Connor responded by arching up and greeting the intrusion eagerly. While thrusting, grinding, and shifting pace from slow to fast then fast to slow, Ben started to wonder how much more Connor could take. Ben had to keep reminding himself that Connor had never done this before, though it hardly seemed like it. Connor's hair was drenched in sweat, but his face was positively glowing with pleasure. That was when Ben noticed the tension running along his spine, his moaning, and the almost pained expression on his face.

"Again?" Ben asked, somewhat incredulous.

"Fuck, I think so. Fucking hell… Oh…"

Connor's second climax was what made Ben lose control. Everything was suddenly too much and he had no choice but to succumb to his own release. Bright white lights shot through his vision when every cell in his body tingled. He pulled out unable to help leaving his mark on Connor. It was a sudden compulsion and something he needed.

Connor collapsed on the bed, hardly blinking while his breath sawed through his lungs. "I made such a mess in the bed," he mumbled with the side of his face squashed to the sheets. It looked like he flushed, but it was hard to tell from his already pink cheeks. "I really didn't mean to."

Ben lay halfway over Connor feeling mostly like a soaked cotton ball. He was so spent, but slowly he started stroking his lover's back. "It's okay. Don't be sorry about anything." His hand went lower, shaping itself over Connor's ass. "You are one mean bottom, baby. I can't believe you just took all of that."

Connor turned his head and faced Ben. He smiled. "I never thought I'd like it. I seriously never thought getting fucked was something that would turn me on, but…" He seemed to search for the words and Ben silently let him. "The feeling of you inside me…the pain… well, not pain as such, but this glorious balance of pain and pleasure…it felt so good. I can't even describe it. I just… I just loved it."

"I'm so happy to hear that, baby." Ben shifted his position so their foreheads met, while their bodies lay in a tangled and sweaty heap. "In the future, I may have to beg to get you to still fuck me," he teased.

Connor chuckled, and the sound reverberating through his chest. "Maybe." He rolled, while wrapping his arms around Ben.

"Are you sore?" Ben couldn't help but drag a teasing finger along Connor's crack.

"Some." Connor smiled. "It is so worth it, though."

"Just know that what you just did is not easy."

"Well, I had a great teacher. A magnificent teacher to be correct."

"Blah blah," Ben dismissed. When he felt discomfort start to settle, he changed the subject. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving, famished, and quite ravenous now that you mention it. Are you going to cook me something?" Connor asked, flashing his cheeky grin.

"What are you in the mood for, though the choices are limited."

"I'll eat anything you make."

Ben sauntered into the kitchen while Connor changed the sheets and joked that if he didn't they would crack when all his jizz dried.

ooOoo

The bedroom was cold when Ben woke later that night. It was barely dawn. A vague light filtered in through the windows, offering a limited ability to navigate the room. Wrapping the quilt around him, he padded out into the living room where the door to the porch was left ajar.

"Why are you sitting out here?" Ben asked softly, when he spotted Connor with a sheet draped across his shoulders. He was sitting on the deck chair, the same chair they shared crucial and tender moments in last night.

"Just thinking," he answered somberly. He held his hand out to Ben and he took it. Just like yesterday, they huddled up on the chair, curling their bodies around each other.

"What causes this massive frown on your forehead so early in the morning?" Ben asked.

Connor pursed his lips. "I can't keep living in hiding like this."

"Massive thoughts indeed," Ben murmured, when he didn't need any further explanation. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Connor put his head down on Ben's shoulder and when he spoke his tone was sad and wistful. "I hate hiding you, like you're some dirty little secret. It makes it seem like I'm embarrassed to be with you and nothing is further from the truth. I want to show the world that you're the one I love, but as things are now, I can't. I think it's time to come clean with my family. If we're going to have a chance, I need to man up and show them who I am."

Ben smiled. "They know who you are, just not a particular detail that really is none of their business."

"Yeah, who I'm in love with." Connor hesitated. "I keep thinking about the future, but I just can't reach it, not if I don't stop hiding."

"What do you want for a future?" Ben asked softly.

The arms around Ben's body tightened. "Basically, I want what my parents have. They've been pretty great role models, so I always knew wanted to share my life with someone. Have a healthy and strong relationship with my partner."

"That's very noble."

"…And not as easy as it sounds," Connor quietly answered. "But I want to aim for that and I know it will be impossible to achieve if I keep hiding you."

"You're not hiding me, Connor. I accepted that this was how things needed to be, so it wasn't solely your decision to keep our relationship a secret." He paused. "You think this is the time to come out?"

Hesitantly, Connor nodded. "I just don't know what to do."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Always," Connor whispered, while caressing Ben's rough jaw. He seriously needed a shave.

"I think you should make the decision if this is really the time or not. If you decide to leave the closet, then wait a few weeks and think about what you're about to do. Take the time to consider how you want to tell them and prepare yourself for whatever reaction they may have. Be smart about it, be wise so that you are fully prepared for what is going to happen and realize that your life is going to change." Ben paused. "Just for the record, you know I will have your back every step of the way, right?"

Connor's mouth lifted in an appreciative smile. "I know and I can't thank you enough." He leaned in and placed a sound kiss on Ben's mouth. Pulling back, Connor's face was serious again with lines of worry furrowing into his forehead. "One decision I have already made. When I come out, I want them to know that we're together. I want to tell them that I'm in love with you. Is that okay with you?"

Ben pondered. Sure, he was having difficulties wrapping his head around this newly proclaimed love that Connor had put words to. "That's fine," Ben said.

Connor pursed his lips. "That's simply not good enough, Ben. Don't just be _fine_. You're always _fine_ with what I want to do, but sometimes I haven't got a clue where the hell your thoughts are. This is what I mentioned last night. You need to come out of your shell and don't be afraid of ruffling a few feathers. Are you really _fine_, or is there something else? Don't be so amiable, so nice and okay with everything. If you're not really okay, I'll just end up hurting you when I accidentally run over you like a freight train because I think you're _fine_. I don't want to hurt you, Ben, so please tell me how you really feel."

Ben's stomach was a sudden chaos of fear and love. Connor had the ability to hit the nail right on the head and once more he proved just how damn well he knew Ben and essentially what his problem was. He was simply too nice and too much of a people pleaser. In a relationship, he never really regarded himself. It was always about the other person.

Ben took a deep breath and took a chance, risking the pain. "The day that you tell your family, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with you. I want your family to know that I am proud of you, proud to be your boyfriend and…" he hauled in a lungful of air and let it go sharply. "…That I love you," he said quietly, staring directly into Connor's eyes. His heart was pounding in his chest.

"Now that's more like it. If you don't want to be part of it, I understand, but I just wanted you to be honest with yourself."

"Thank you," Ben whispered gratefully.

"Thank you," Connor murmured in return. "I couldn't do this if it wasn't for you. Just so we're clear. You understand that the media is going to turn into a circus when I come out, right?"

Ben nodded. "I know. We'll deal with that when we have to."

Ben's fingers played over Connor's pecs with the tips following the dips and bulges of muscles. A content sigh escaped Ben's lungs when it felt like this was the first easy breath he took in ten years. For a moment, his ever-present fear had been banished from his mind and he felt absolutely free.

Letting his hands drift down under their huddle of sheets and the quilt, he couldn't help but take Connor in his hand. He was already naked, never having the patience to wear anything when he slept.

This wasn't like the night before they left L.A. where he had attacked his lover out of desperation. No, this was an act of something very different, an act where safety was everything. "Make love to me," Ben whispered. As he kissed Connor their tongues mirrored each other's soft invasion.

"You're crazy and insatiable these days," Connor mumbled between moans of pleasure as Ben stroked him.

"Like you're not?" Ben countered, setting a slow and steady pace.

"I always want you," Connor groaned, tipping his head back and clearly succumbing to the pleasure. There wasn't much left to say. They stayed on the deckchair, hard and warm against each other and using only their hands to please.

"If we had neighbors out here, they would think we were nudists," Connor chuckled later, when he placed his hands behind his head. His cheeks were flushed with heat and his eyes filled with relaxation. He was clearly basking in the post glow this morning.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Ben answered, while evaluating the width of the railing. He didn't have a stitch of clothing on nor did he intend to. After careful consideration, he decided the railing was sufficient. Slowly, he hoisted himself up by the arms, before pulling his legs up and placing his feet on the narrow surface. Holding his arms out, he rose to his full height.

"What the hell are you doing?" Connor asked amused.

"Working on my balance," Ben answered distractedly as he focused on putting one foot in front of the other on the slim bar. The water below was an ominous dark blue and seemed almost endlessly deep from up there.

"You want to take another swim?"

"Hell no! I'm not getting in that nut killing water again."

As Ben cast a quick glance at Connor, he caught a wicked grin stretching across his face. "Wrong!" Connor said the moment he lunged from the chair. Ben didn't have time to react before Connor's arm looped around his waist and they both went flying.

The water was worse than an icy shower, and seemed much colder than yesterday. Ben's teeth started chattering even before he reached the surface. His heart was thrumming hard in his chest, with excitement and surprise running wild in his veins. This was Connor in a nutshell. Behind the imposing physique and statuesque body was a boy, a playful boy who knew no fear. This was the side of Connor that skydived, surfed and apparently threw himself and his lover into a freezing lake just for kicks. This was the fun side that easily shaved years of Ben's age. Connor made him feel young and alive for the first time in his life.

"You're insane," Ben spluttered and shoved Connor away as they reached the surface. He did his best to keep the wide grin off his face, but it wasn't working. Connor swam back, and pulled Ben into his arms. He was clearly not sorry for the fact their nuts were shrinking to the size of raisins.

"You love me," Connor laughed.

"I do," Ben acquiesced.

After breakfast, the exhaustion from a late night and far too early morning presented itself. The bed was simply too comfortable to resist, so a nap was high on the agenda before the tedious drive back to L.A. Connor tossed and turned, while Ben was deeply asleep on the other side of the bed.

The two-hour hike in the afternoon sun drew the last bit of energy from the men, before they headed back to the cabin to tidy up. A cleaning lady would take care of the laundry one of the following days, so they simply locked up and left. The drive back felt like it took forever.

Connor rubbed his eyes, before placing his hand back on the steering wheel. Traffic wasn't bad for a Sunday night, but this was L.A. The roads were always filled, like a line of ants slowly marching along their designated path.

"Are you tired?" Ben asked softly.

Connor nodded. "I didn't get much sleep the last few days. I couldn't turn my mind off."

"Are you worried about your decision?" Ben asked.

"Yes, that too," he murmured with his eyes on the road.

"What else are you worried about," Ben asked. The thought about Connor being unhappy was an unwelcome notion.

"That the bubble will burst." He sighed. "I had such a good time being away with you this weekend. I'm worried it was all just an illusion…" He didn't seem to be able to finish as a yawn broke through his words. However, Ben knew what he meant.

He placed a hand on Connor's thigh. "Going home isn't going to change how we feel."

Connor gave him a somewhat dubious look. They both knew things weren't going to change overnight, but Ben would sure as hell try. "You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Who could imagine what thirty-six hours can do for a relationship? I feel like we're coming back two completely different people from who we were when we left. _We_ are definitely in a very different place than Friday night."

"True," Connor acquiesced and smiled. He grasped Ben's hand and pressed his fingers to his mouth. "I'm glad to hear that." Sucking in a deep breath, he yawned again while stopping at a red light.

"You want me to drive?" Ben offered.

"Nah, I'm cool. Besides, we're almost home." Connor rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

"I may have to send you to bed early. You look worn out," Ben said. Connor smiled briefly, but didn't really answer. It was almost like he spaced out of a brief moment. "It's green." Ben gestured to the intersection in front of them.

Connor put the car in gear, while slowly rolling forward. Mindlessly, Ben stared out the passenger window, gradually becoming aware of the oncoming car from the right. It wasn't stopping.

"Connor, watch out!" Ben screamed, before throwing his arms over his head. The impact was merciless, swift, and all consuming.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Oh, did I ever mention I like a cliffy…? I wasn't sure.**

**Thank you all so much for reading (commenting) and I hope you can forgive me for what I'm about to do. **

**As always, I have the best support team in the world. Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22.**


	17. Torture

**Torture**

Peter Hayes closed the menu, having chosen what he wanted for dinner. He wasn't picky, so the first thing that captured his attention he would order. He looked at the four other men seated around the table. They were old friends, alumni from his years at Harvard. It seemed like a lifetime ago, a time where none of them suffered from back-aches, hair-loss or gout.

A petite waitress with a courteous smile came to the table informing them about today's specials. Peter listened, before he asked for the seafood risotto he already decided on. After the waitress left, the conversation between the men picked up again, and it was effortless with tales of college and news on what old friends were doing.

The shrill sound of Peter's cell phone interrupted the discussion and he quickly silenced it with an apologetic smile. He would call Connor back when he got the chance.

It wasn't even thirty seconds later that Peter's phone buzzed again. He narrowed his eyes at the screen. This was unlike Connor. He called once, and if the call wasn't picked up, then he waited until Peter called him back. His son understood that he was often busy and couldn't answer.

"Excuse me, gentlemen. I need to take this."

The others politely waved him off and returned to their conversations. He pushed his chair back and aimed away from the table.

"Hi, son," Peter said. There was a lot of heavy breathing on the other end.

"Dad?!"

The sound of Connor's frantic voice instantly made Peter feel cold. His son wasn't the type to panic or let anything rile him up like this. "What's wrong?" he asked, holding his breath.

"Oh, man." Connor snorted and his voice was scratchy. "Fuck. I'm in the hospital. I crashed my car. Shit, Dad. I don't know what to do?"

Slowly, it became hard for Peter to hold his phone. His hand was trembling so much. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"No. I'm fine." Connor snorted again and tried to clear his voice. When he spoke again, it sounded like he was stuck at the bottom of a well. "No… ah, fuck."

Swallowing back the blooming fear, Peter tried to keep composed. He needed a clear mind. It was awful to sit in this restaurant and realize that this was not just a fender-bender. His son didn't have to say the words for Peter to understand. Besides, Connor wouldn't sound like this if it was. Something was way off and that knowledge felt like barb wire being dragged across his chest. "Which hospital are you at, son?"

"Cedars-Sinai," Connor said, his voice quivering. "I need you, Dad."

Peter closed his eyes for a moment, drawing a deep breath. He hoped it would make the shaking stop and clear the suffocating fear from his chest. It didn't. "I'll be there as soon as I can." He was about to tell Connor to stay calm and that he loved him, but the line had already gone dead. With trembling fingers, he put the phone away and looked up to see the four other men staring speechlessly at him. "My son has been in a car accident. I need to go."

He didn't wait for a response, but jogged out of the restaurant. The drive to the emergency room was long and as uncoordinated as he felt. It was hard to maneuver his car or even remember the right direction. The entire time, his mind was working double time and adrenaline was taking him to the edge of hyperventilating.

What would he do if he lost Connor?

Such a tragedy wasn't even a possibility, something like that could never happen. He knew a large part of him would be lost if Connor or Lucy were ever harmed. That was just speaking for himself. There was no telling what it would do to Charlotte. The thought was unbearable, because it would break his wife.

As thoughts raced through his mind at a million miles per second, he chose to wait a little while before he called his wife. He didn't want to upset Charlotte, not before he knew how bad things were.

When he finally arrived at the emergency room, it didn't take long to find Connor. He stood in the middle of the hall staring at the closed elevator doors. Seeing his son's clothes soaked with large splotches of blood didn't help his building panic. What was important, though was that Connor was standing on his own two feet and not strapped to some hospital gurney or worse.

"Son?" Peter called as he half-ran towards him.

"Dad!" Connor croaked. The weight of his son's body was heavenly in his arms as Peter hugged Connor back, clinging desperately to him. Despite the fact he was ecstatic that his boy was okay and he appeared fairly unharmed, he knew that something was horribly wrong. Connor looked like he was in some stage of shock. "Oh God, Dad," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

Not only was there blood all over Connor's clothes, but it was also caked between his fingers, smeared down his cheek and the side of his neck. From his swollen and bruised nose, a slow rivulet of blood seemed endless.

Peter glanced down Connor's soiled clothes. "All this blood?"

He sniffed, stopping the blood running from his nose for a moment. "It's not mine."

oooooOOOOooooo

Chaos.

Everything around him was mayhem as Connor tried to orient himself. He could only remember the past hour in glimpses and loud voices. Had it only been an hour since the accident? He didn't know.

Connor's face was just about to explode from the pain, but that wasn't why he was suffering. No, that was waking up next to Ben's lifeless body and trying to coax a response from him. The next thing that terrified him was the amount of blood pouring from Ben's body and how fast it was drenching his shirt. Connor tried to stop it, but all that red just slipped right though his fingers. He remembered whispering _I'm sorry_ over and over again, while trying to stop the bleeding.

When the paramedics arrived, they took over. All of them were so calm when asking questions, but when they arrived at the hospital there was new flurry of people asking more questions. It was confusing. They tried to usher Connor away and persuade him to have his nose examined, but not even a gun to his temple would convince him to leave the trauma room Ben was in. Connor figured that if he kept really quiet and stayed in the background, then he got to stay with Ben while they worked on him.

It was agony to watch all the poking and prodding the doctor and nurses were doing, because he was the one to blame for Ben lying in this cold and sterile room. He was the one who should be subjected to all this anguish, not Ben.

At some point, a new doctor had come into the room and all vitals were repeated all over again. It seemed like such a waste of time.

Twenty-seven year old male.

Side collision.

BP: 90 over 55. Too low.

Sats falling.

Torn brachial artery.

Connor remembered telling the doctor that the _twenty-seven year old male's_ name was Benjamin Vasquez. The other label felt too impersonal. Perhaps if the doctor knew Ben's name, then he would work harder. He had to save his life.

That was when the blond doctor looked oddly down at Ben lying on the table, really seeing his blood smeared face.

"Oh, good lord," the doctor murmured.

"Do you know him, Dr. Cullen?" A nurse asked.

The doctor had looked back at Connor, gauging him like he was deciphering some code. When he looked away again, Dr. Cullen answered the nurse. "Yes, I know him. He's a friend of my son's."

That was the speck of hope Connor was begging for. If this doctor knew Ben, then he could save him, right? Ben wouldn't just be any other patient that came through this room, now he was different. He mattered to these people.

"Please," Connor begged, but his voice hardly had any volume. The knowledge that Ben was hovering somewhere between life and death was excruciating. Ben couldn't die.

The next glimpse Connor remembered was Dr. Cullen pulling him aside. The doctor's gaze was honest and sympathetic. Connor put the cloth someone had handed him to his nose again. He wiped the blood that was tickling his upper lip.

"How bad is it?" Connor asked, bracing himself for the blow. He knew he wasn't anywhere near ready if the news were bad. His vision was blurry and it felt like his lunch was about to make a revisit, but he didn't care. All he wanted was for Ben to be okay. Just this afternoon, he had been perfect and smiling.

"Benjamin took a bad spill, but he's going be okay. You did very well by stopping the bleeding from his arm, but he needs surgery to repair the damage," Dr. Cullen said and continued into explain the procedure. Connor stared, as the words went right over his head. His mind felt like quicksand, all that information just disappeared. All he understood was that he had tried with all his might to stop the flow from Ben's arm, but still it had leaked from his body at an alarming rate. The thought made the room spin. "I have a few questions for you. Who is his next of kin?" The doctor continued.

"Uhm," Connor stammered and realized that he didn't know. It definitely wasn't his parents. Was it Anna? Ben adored Anna, but still. No, she lived too far away. Aro? That was more likely. They had known each other for years and Ben always said his boss treated him like family. "I'm not sure. I can find out, I think."

Now, Connor realized that he wanted to be that next of kin. He wanted to be the one who was allowed to see Ben when no one else could. He wanted some sort of bond that tied them together, so that he could be there for Ben, no matter the circumstance.

"That's okay," Dr. Cullen soothingly said. "We will take him up to surgery in a few minutes. Meanwhile, you need to have your nose examined."

He ignored yet another order. "Can I talk to him for a moment?" Connor asked, knowing he sounded stupid. Ben couldn't talk, not with the tube down his throat or the fact that he had been unconscious ever since the accident.

"Of course."

Connor moved to the bed. He was careful when he took Ben's hand trying to avoid all the tubes and needles. Nervously, he looked around, but the staff all seemed to busy themselves with something. He looked down at Ben. His mouth was distorted by the tube and his normal tanned skin was now a ghastly, chalky pale.

Tears welled up in Connor's eyes, spilling like dirt in a massive landside. His voice was barely detectable when he spoke. "Please forgive me, Ben. I love you so much and I'm so sorry." Connor inhaled shakily. "You're going to be fine. You have to be." With his free hand, he stroked Ben's hair gently. His face was fairly unscathed. "I'll be here when you wake up, all right? Stay strong, baby." Softly, Connor kissed Ben's forehead, not giving a damn who saw it. The paparazzi could be right at the door and he would still kiss Ben.

Connor followed the doctors and nurses as they wheeled Ben to the elevator. There wasn't room for him in the lift, so that left him in utter despair, staring at the closed door. Never in his life had he felt so helpless. The call to his father was a hazy one. Words were exchanged, but Connor couldn't really remember what he said or if he said anything at all.

He wiped his face and nose on his sleeve, pain flaring across his cheeks. He had lost the cloth somewhere. He didn't remember.

The doors opened and closed about a million times, but he couldn't move. He was completely immobilized, not knowing what the hell to do. What was he supposed to do? Had the surgery started or was it already over? Had something else happened to Ben? Had he taken a turn for the worse? Thoughts were plowing though his mind and he was rendered utterly useless, still staring at those doors.

Why hadn't he let Ben drive?

"Son?"

When Connor spotted his father, he didn't hesitate throwing his arms around his dad's neck. He couldn't remember the last time he needed him so much. "Oh God, Dad," he cried, drowning in another wave of emotion. "I'm so sorry." This was the leverage that he needed. With his father here, there was someone to stop him from losing his mind and stop the world from slipping out from under his feet.

"All this blood," Peter said, looking frightened.

"It's not mine."

"Are you okay?" Peter asked, trying to give his son a once over.

Connor sighed. "Yeah, but Ben's not," he said. His chest was aching like it had been clawed open. All he wanted right now was just to come clean and admit to who he really was. He wanted to tell his father that he had just put his boyfriend in the hospital, quite possibly handicapping him for life or worse. What if Ben died on that operating table? As much as he couldn't bear all the secrecy right now, he couldn't stomach the fallout when he needed his family so much. What if they couldn't accept him and then he had to live with the fact that he killed Ben? Everything was just too chaotic.

His father pulled back slightly looking into Connor's eyes. "Ben?" he prompted.

Connor closed his eyes, focusing on the pain in his face. It helped distract him from what he really wanted to say. "My friend from the baseball game, remember? He was in the car with me."

"Oh, no. How is he?" Peter asked. His voice was filled with nothing but concern.

"He's in surgery." Connor's face scrunched up as he tried to remember what it was that Dr. Cullen had explained to him. What was it they were going to repair? It all seemed so far away, like a haze in the distance. "I can't remember the details, but his right arm is in pretty bad shape."

Peter nodded. "Let's get you checked out and then we can probably wait upstairs."

The hours passed at a snail's pace. Dutifully, Connor let a doctor examine his face, take x-rays of his nose, reset it, and place a small brace over the ridge. As a final note, the new doctor diagnosed Connor with a severe concussion. That was why his vision was flopping around like a bunny and he felt so nauseated. A white bracelet was put around his wrist and Connor was admitted to the hospital for observation. After a shower to clean off the blood, he refused to stay in his assigned room. He needed to be near the recovery room, so he could be there when Ben was out of surgery.

"What about your car?" Peter asked. The waiting room was deathly silent, occupied only by an elderly woman with a face of wisdom, but she started out into nothing. Perhaps she feared bad news, too?

"Junkyard," Connor deadpanned. He would be surprised if anything could be salvaged from that wreck. He put the ice bag the doctor had given him to his nose again, trying to dull the throbbing as they waited.

An hour was normally sixty minutes, so why did it feel like a hundred and sixty minutes now?

"Mr. Hayes?" A soft female voice called.

"Yes."

"Yes." They both answered and got up. Connor felt the room spinning for a moment. The nurse smiled at him.

"The police need to talk to you. They have a few questions."

"Can't this wait?" Peter asked. Gently, he put a supportive hand on Connor's back. "I'm not sure my son feels up to it." This was what Connor remembered from being a child. There was always someone there for him. A parent willing and able to speak up for him if he was in water that felt too deep.

"It will only take a moment. It's just a formality." The officer said politely when he came into view behind the nurse. "I just need to take his statement."

"It's okay, Dad," Connor said, appreciating the gesture. However, he was an adult now and would just have to suck it up. "Ask."

The conversation was brief, since apparently the woman in the other car had already admitted to running a red light. There wasn't going to be a case or any dragged-out police investigation. After this, the case would, with all likeliness, be closed.

Four hours later and long past midnight, Dr. Cullen finally made an appearance. There was sweat on the edge of his surgery cap, but a small smile was at the corners of his mouth. That was a good sign, right?

"The surgery was successful. We repaired the damage to the brachial artery and stopped the bleeding. We had to reset several bones in his lower arm, but it should heal nicely. We had to give him blood, but most importantly he's breathing on his own again. Benjamin is in recovery and you can see him now," Dr. Cullen said. When Peter stood up next to his son, Dr. Cullen gave Connor a knowing smile, before he turned to Peter. "I'm sorry, Mr. Hayes. Only one visitor is allowed at a time."

"Oh," Peter answered and patted Connor's shoulder lightly. "You go ahead. I'll wait right here."

"Thanks, Dad."

The room Ben was in was crowded with machines and there were several beeping noises going off constantly. However, Connor was only interested in seeing Ben. He wanted the chance to talk to him, tell him how sorry he was and tell him how much he loved him. Connor's disappointment was both thick and smothering. He didn't get to talk to Ben because he wasn't awake yet.

Gently, Connor twined their fingers together and once again, he was careful not to touch any of the wires that were plugged into Ben's IV. He sat down on the edge of the chair placed next to the bed and just looked at Ben. He looked much more peaceful now. He wasn't intubated anymore and he merely looked like he was sleeping. His right arm was all wrapped up in a large and neat white cast. He looked comfortable enough. He wasn't so pale anymore and his skin was warm.

Connor leaned over their hands and kissed the back of Ben's palm. "I love you," he whispered. "I'll be strong enough for the both of us for a while. I'll help with everything you need." As he said it, Connor realized how much he had fucked Ben up. What if Ben hated him for what he had done? What if Ben couldn't forgive him and broke up with him? Connor couldn't blame him if he wanted to end things between them. He had put him in the hospital and trashed his arm, for crying out loud.

He sat there, staring guiltily at his boyfriend, as time moved on.

Connor stood, leaned over the bed and kissed Ben very softly on the mouth. "I need to take care of a few things and then I'll be right back, okay." He chose not to linger on the fact that Ben's mouth was unresponsive, but deep down that hurt.

It wasn't that Connor wanted to leave the room, but he needed to send his father home. He shouldn't sit in a hospital room all night. Besides, they couldn't keep stalling his mother for much longer. Peter had made an excuse and told Charlotte that the dinner was running later, when in fact they were waiting for news on Ben. Peter didn't want to explain things to his wife if he didn't have the whole story and wasn't able to comfort her. It would upset Charlotte too much.

"How is he?" Peter asked when Connor was out in the hall again.

"He's okay, I think," Connor tiredly said. "He just needs rest and so do I." Connor knew it was a lie, because he wasn't about to snuggle up in the bed that had his name on it. He hauled in a deep breath and his head whirled. "Maybe, it was best of you went home and talked to Mom."

Peter nodded. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," he answered, hoping that he sounded convincing enough. He didn't really want to be alone, but in his state of mind there was no telling when he would accidentally say too much. He didn't want to inadvertently out himself. It would only add to the chaos.

"Do you want me to tell Lucy?" Peter asked, putting his hand on Connor's shoulder. Connor nodded in response. He didn't have the energy to spin more lies right now.

Peter's embrace was tight and warm, offering a moment of solace for Connor. It had been a long time since he had felt so young in his father's arms and felt the need to have someone watch over him.

"Thanks for coming, Dad," he sighed.

"Of course. Call anytime if you need me to come back, all right? Now, don't worry about anything, I'll take care if the insurance company and all the practical stuff. Just focus on getting better."

Connor let out a heavy breath. He wasn't the one who had a long recovery in front of him.

In the wake of his father's departure, Connor fiddled with Ben's phone. One of the nurses had given it to him when they had cut Ben free of his pants. Nobody, but Connor's father, knew that Ben was lying immobilized and broken in a hospital bed because Connor put him there. It was time to call someone who knew about them and someone who would hate him for what he had done. The fear that Ben wouldn't be okay was like a vice grip around his lungs. It was hard to breathe.

Navigating Ben's phone, he found her number. There were people who needed to know what had happened. Quickly, he checked his watch. Anna should be up by now.

"Pronto," Anna answered on the second ring. Connor had never actually spoken to her before. She was Ben's closest friend. He didn't have a clue how to explain what he had done.

"Anna?" Connor said softly.

"Yeah?" she answered hesitantly. "Ben?"

"Uhm, it's Connor. I know we've never spoken before…"

"Hi," she answered with a whole lot of enthusiasm. Then it went silent and the seconds ticked by. Connor was trying to find the words to explain everything. "What happened?" Anna's tone was cautious, like she was expecting some sort of bad news.

"I'm so sorry, but... I'm not sure how to say this. I thought you needed to know. I crashed my car and Ben was with me." Connor tried to clear his throat to make his voice smoother, but it wasn't working. He sounded like he had been screaming for weeks.

"What? Are you all right? Both of you?"

Connor exhaled tiredly and stared down at Ben. He was so still, too still. Gently, he took his hand. "Ben's just out of surgery, but he's not awake yet," he said.

"What surgery? Wait, don't you have like a huge-ass car that eats little cars for breakfast? How can you get hurt in THAT?"

Connor cracked a small smile. "Yeah, but that didn't help us today. The truck is scrap metal." Looking across the bed, Connor cringed a little when he stared at the large white cast and the bandage. "Ben needed surgery on his right arm. It was broken in several places, and he tore a major artery in the upper arm. It was bleeding pretty badly." Connor fell quiet when he started to choke up again. Words were hard to get out now. "I'm so sorry, Anna."

"So did they fix him up? He's going to be fine, right?"

"That's what the doctor says," Connor bleakly answered. Carefully, he laid his hand on Ben's chest, feeling the subtle rise and fall of his breath. He wished so badly that he would just open his big brown eyes.

"What about you? Are you hurt?" Anna asked after a few seconds of silence.

"I'm fine." He sighed. "I shouldn't have been at the wheel. I was too tired to drive."

"Did you hit someone?" Anna asked. Her tone was careful again.

"No. The other car rammed into the side of my truck on the passenger side. They ran a red light."

"Then the accident is not your fault."

"It's still my fault Ben needed to be patched up and is unconscious."

"Ben is unconscious because some jackass burned a red light, not because you were too tired, okay?" She waited for an answer, but there was none. Connor still felt the guilt gnawing at him. "Are you at the hospital now? Do you have anyone there for you?"

"Yeah, I'm in Ben's room. I sent my dad home a little while ago. Didn't feel up to telling him anything, but he's been here most of the night."

"That was nice of him. I wish I was there physically, but on the phone is all we got for now."

"Yeah, for now," Connor acquiesced.

"You are not alone, okay?" Anna said sweetly.

"Feels like it," Connor murmured.

"Well, you're not. And you won't ever be. Did you call Jessica?"

"I haven't called anybody yet."

"You should. You need someone there for _you_. Someone to keep it all real."

"That's okay. I will in the morning. I think I need to go rest," Connor said when the room started spinning. It felt a lot like being on one of those rides where you didn't know which way was up. It wasn't entirely comfortable. "I'll call you soon, Anna. It was great talking to you."

"Sweet boy, just take care of yourself, okay? If you keel over, then Ben has nobody right now, so take care of _you_. Do you hear me? I love how Ben's been sounding so happy since he met you. Please keep me posted. Bye for now."

"Bye," Connor murmured. His body suddenly felt too heavy for his legs to carry him anymore and he slumped down into the chair next to the bed. He put his head down next to Ben's motionless hand, idly stroking his arm. He was so glad Ben felt warm and his skin was soft. That way Connor could imagine that they were back at Ben's place lying in bed, talking or sharing one of those moments where they didn't need to say anything at all.

The only thing missing was for Ben to open his eyes.

"Sir?" The soft hand at his shoulder brought him back to consciousness. Connor pulled in a sharp breath and stared up at Ben. He was still lying there, unmoving. "You really should go back to your room and lie down."

Rolling his neck before he looked up at the nurse, Connor spoke. "How long was I out?"

"Just about half an hour," she said. In the glum light, he could make out the contours of her scrubs and the curve of her body. She checked the machines and took a few notes. "His vitals look good."

Connor rubbed his eyes, instantly feeling the pain shoot through his face. Right, he forgot about his broken nose. "Oh, good. Do you know when he will wake up?"

The nurse smiled. "It's hard to tell. Are you sure I can't persuade you to go back to your room and take a nap? I'll have someone get you if there's any change?"

Connor shook his head, winching from the throbbing in his brain. "I'm fine here. I don't want him to be alone," he wistfully answered. It was only twenty-four hours ago that Connor had promised Ben that he would always be there for him, and that was one promise he wasn't going to break. He took Ben's hand, running his thumb over the knuckles. He had the strong urge to just crawl into the bed, wrap his arms around Ben and hope that would make him feel that he was here and that he wasn't leaving. He wished for some way to comfort him now that they couldn't talk. Feeling frustrated, Connor was about to pinch the bridge of his nose, but stopped, remembering his face had been rearranged. His nose probably wouldn't heal right and be as straight as it used to be, but he didn't care. It was nothing.

"Do you want me to get you some pain meds?" the nurse asked. Connor realized that she was studying him.

"That would be nice, thank you."

The room went quiet again, well as quiet as it could be with the constant hum of the machines in the room.

"Here you go, Mr. Hayes."

Connor snapped back to awareness, realizing that he had fallen asleep again. He rubbed his eyes, regretting it immediately. The nurse gave a sympathetic smile. He took the small cup with three pills in it and the glass of water she was holding out. "Thank you. Please, just call me Connor," he said and flushed them all down. "Did I get your name?"

"No. I'm Carmen," she answered before she moved over to the machines again and checked the screens that were sending dull light into the room. She adjusted the clip on Ben's finger and looked up.

"Have you been together for long?"

Connor looked at Ben's peaceful face. "No, just a few months." He shifted his gaze to the nurse who had pulled the sheet slightly off Ben's chest and checked the bandage on his upper arm just above the cast. He didn't even consider lying to the nurse. It seemed redundant. Though he couldn't tell his father earlier, he didn't have the energy to keep up the charade right now. "The first time I met him, he knocked my socks off. I just had to get to know him." Connor wasn't sure why he was sharing these details or why he wasn't the slightest worried about her reaction, maybe it was the meds kicking in. He chuckled humorously. Perhaps that was the way to go when he needed to tell his family about Ben. Some sort of truth serum shot into his veins. That would help.

"That's nice," she answered. "My husband said it was like that for him, too. He chased me for six months, because I didn't pay him a lick of interest. When I finally agreed to go out with him, _that_ was when I realized I was the fool. I fell in love that night." It looked like she blushed a little, but it was hard to tell in the fleeting light.

"How long have you been married for?"

"Almost a year. We dated for quite a while before that."

"Congratulations," Connor said. His eyes shifted to Ben. _Please wake up_, he thought, like he could will Ben back in to the conscious world. Nothing happened. "My family doesn't know about us." His voice was dull and lifeless.

"It will be our secret then." The nurse stopped at the door. "Get some rest. I'll be in to wake you up again in less than half an hour." Connor looked over his shoulder, questioning her. "You have a concussion and you _should_ be in your bed. However, since you're not, I better make sure you don't slip into a coma." She cocked a brow a warning brow, and Connor smiled gratefully. She wasn't about to give him any more grief about his room.

That was how the night passed. Every time he slipped into a deep restful sleep with his head next to Ben's hand, the _sweet _nurse had the kindness to wake him up again.

At 5 AM, a new nurse came in and announced that they needed to move Ben to a different room. His vitals were stable, and the room was required for somebody else. Connor followed dutifully, making himself comfortable in another chair next to Ben's bed. This room wasn't littered with machines and there was no hum in the background.

Connor took Ben's hand again, kissing it tenderly and began to talk. It was too quiet to bear, so instead he filled the silence. He talked about what a great time he had this weekend and how he hoped they could do it again soon.

The new nurse, Nettie, was just as sweet as the first one. She was a woman with wide hips and a bust to match. Her hair was blond with gray streaks and she was probably in her fifties. She gave Connor's shoulder a supportive squeeze when he asked when Ben would wake up, but she didn't know either.

oooooOOOOooooo

Jared stopped the car and put it into park. It was ten in the morning and they were both supposed to be at work. He looked over at Lucy. "Are you sure this is a good idea? Connor said he wasn't up for visitors right now."

Lucy nodded. "Connor is like a woman sometimes. He says one thing, but he means another I know he just don't want to bother us, but he shouldn't be cooped up in the hospital alone. I'll stay for two minutes, and if he wants me to go, I'll leave, okay?"

"Fine," Jared relented. It was her brother after all. When the call from Peter had come in last night, Lucy had been inconsolable. Her emotions were running high these days, so if it soothed her to see Connor for five minutes, then by all means, it would be okay. He knew Connor didn't want Lucy to be upset anymore than he did. They both had a tendency to coddle her.

With a smile, the receptionist gave them the room number and pointed down the hall. The room was empty and the bed hardly looked touched. There wasn't any sign of Connor. Lucy waited for a few moments, thinking that perhaps her brother was in the bathroom, but there was something that didn't sit well with Jared. He looked at the bed again, something wasn't right.

Lucy was tapping her fingers against the railing of the bed worried. She had been like that all night. Worrying, crying, and worrying again. Connor hadn't answered her calls until this morning. "Do you think they've taken him for some exams?" she nervously asked. She started biting the nail on her pinky finger when it was clear Connor wasn't in the bathroom.

"It's possible," Jared answered. Last night, Peter assured them that Connor was fairly unharmed, only admitted to the hospital for observation due to a concussion. It was Benjamin who had taken the worst of it. Peter had said Connor was worried sick about his friend. It was understandable. Jared would feel the same way if he accidentally harmed someone. However, what if it was more than just concern for a friend? What if it was concern for a lover?

Jared pondered how to look for Connor without Lucy growing suspicious. He had a fair idea about where Connor was.

"Are you looking for Mr. Hayes?" A scrub clad nurse interrupted them.

"Yes," Lucy answered.

"He's on the floor upstairs. It's the last room on your right when you get off the elevator."

"Oh," Lucy answered and frowned. "Thank you."

Jared's chest felt a bit tight. He really didn't want any trouble, but he would just bet a limb that was where Connor was. He hadn't forgotten how the two men looked at each other at that Dodgers' game. Lucy walked out of the room headed for the elevators. Jared knew she was still clueless, but how could he stop this catastrophe from happening?

What if Lucy saw something that she didn't or shouldn't have to deal with these days? The pregnancy wasn't easy on her this time. Her energy was at a low, she had nightmares all the time and she often had problems keeping her food down. She shouldn't have to deal with this right now, especially not by accidentally seeing something she would have to think long and hard about. The added stress wouldn't be good for her or the baby.

"Not again," she groaned, when the doors to the elevator opened. Jared stared questioningly at her. She rolled her eyes and grumbled. "I need to pee… again!"

Jared suppressed his smile. That was like the fifth time today and it was a godsend. It was the opening he needed. In reality, he didn't want to throw himself into the thick of things between Lucy and Connor and he never really had in the past when they fought, but this was much bigger than him and right now he didn't have much of a choice.

When the lock snapped to the bathroom, Jared all but ran down the hall. He had, perhaps, two minutes to even things out. However, he couldn't help what he did and there was no excuse for it other than he needed his own curiosity sated, even if he wanted to admit to it or not. He didn't care either way. He just wanted to know.

Carefully, he eased the door open and was relieved that it moved soundlessly. He swallowed tightly. He had his answer clear as day. Now, it was about the future and how things would evolve. He vowed to himself that no matter what he would support both sides. He would help his wife understand and he would support Connor when things got tricky. It wasn't going to be an easy fight, but he loved his wife and he loved his brother-in-law. Now that he knew, he had a chance to prepare for the blowout that would come.

He watched for an additional second, before he let the door slip closed again. Then he knocked, like he had seen nothing at all.

"Come on in," Connor called. His voice was rough.

"Hey," Jared said softly, when he peeked in. Connor was no longer holding Ben's hand or stroking his arm. He wasn't staring at his lover either. Connor just sat casually in the chair that had been pushed back about half a foot.

"Hi," Connor said surprised and got up. He looked like he just stepped out of a boxing match and hadn't won. His skin was black under his eyes, and his nose was swollen to almost double size.

"We couldn't stay away," Jared said apologetically.

"It's okay. Where's Lucy?" He asked and looked endlessly sad, like if she didn't come, it would break his heart.

Jared smirked. "Bathroom," he said. Connor's smile was weak, but it was there. He understood. Connor looked over at Ben and his eyes stayed with him.

"How is he?" Jared asked.

Connor's lips narrowed into a thin line, and his eyes brimmed with moisture. He looked away, probably trying to hide his emotions. He shrugged. "He won't wake up. The doctors keep saying it's just going to take a little time, but…"

Jared moved forward and gave Connor a hug. It looked like he seriously needed it. "He's going to wake up when he's ready," Jared answered, feeling utterly stupid. He wanted to say something profound, but he felt so cliché, because he didn't know how to deal with Connor looking so frail. It wasn't something Jared had been prepared for. Sure, he could easily accept that Connor was gay, but Connor looking hopeless and broken was unbearable.

"Hey, baby brother," Lucy said, interrupting them.

"Oh, momma bear," Connor said and snorted. He pulled back and wiped his face with his big palms. "How's my nephew treating you?" he said and managed a half smile.

"Playing soccer with my bladder," she answered softly. When Lucy hugged her brother, Jared watched Connor cling to her, like a child holding desperately to its mother's leg. They had a strong bond. Sadly, Jared could only hope it wouldn't be broken when Connor told her the truth about himself. "How's your friend?"

Connor dipped his head down, clearly controlling the onslaught of emotion that just smothered his voice. He didn't answer. He just hugged his sister harder. It was painful to watch, knowing there was a fair chance the connection between them wouldn't last.

"I'm so glad you came," Connor croaked. "I know I told you to stay away, but…" He didn't finish.

"I knew you wanted me here," Lucy answered for him. "Let's sit and you can tell me all about what happened, okay?"

Jared watched in silence as they talked. Their conversation knitted them closer together, except for the one vital piece of information that threatened to tear them apart.

oooooOOOOooooo

It was Tuesday and Connor's nerves were frayed. He didn't know how much longer his sanity would hold him on his feet or when he would break down and be sent to a padded cell. It had been almost forty-eight hours since the accident and still Ben was just lying there without moving.

Earlier that day, Ben had been rolled away for a MRI scan. The doctors were trying to determine if there was any swelling to his brain. There wasn't and that was a good sign. Connor told himself that every second, but he had absolutely no faith in the test. When the hell was Ben going to wake up?

He had tried everything he could think of to make it happen, but it was all fruitless. Connor had talked to him, asked questions, told dirty stories, squeezed his hand, stroked his face, called his name, pinched his toes, and tickled his side, but Ben hadn't moved or opened his eyes.

Ben was just lying there, breathing so still that every five minutes Connor had to check that his chest was still rising and falling. Dr. Cullen was confident and optimistic in saying that it was just a matter of time and Ben was going to be fine. Connor was finding it hard to keep his chin up and hope for the best.

His phone was ringing constantly. He answered it and fielded their questions, trying to soothe people so they wouldn't worry. Lucy and his mom had stopped by twice since Monday morning and there was nothing like their support. He was drawing some much-needed energy from them. It made him feel like he could go on for a little bit longer after he saw them. He had called Jess, asking for her help to procure some of his clothes. He would normally have asked Lucy, but how was he going to explain that most of his clothes were at Ben's place?

Lastly, Bree had been completely silent on the phone when he had told her. He couldn't coax one word from her, after he explained what had happened. He had pondered for the better part of an hour whether he should go see her, talk to her, and reassure her, but as much as he wanted to soothe Bree he was reluctant to leave Ben's side.

His head was chaos. He couldn't take this anymore.

Dr. Cullen came to check on Ben frequently, and now he was here again.

Connor was pacing feverishly as he watched the doctor. "Dr. Cullen, this isn't normal." He wasn't far from falling to his knees, and begging the good doctor to do something, instead of just letting Ben lie there like some vegetable. It wasn't fair.

"Nothing is ever normal in these situations. I know it's hard to keep your faith up." Dr. Cullen looked back kindly. "Benjamin will wake up when he is ready."

"When will that be exactly?"

His smile was indulgent. "I wish I could give you the answer, but it's all on Ben's terms. Don't forget you need to rest, too. You're dealing with too much at once and it's not good for you."

Slowly, Connor nodded. He had a mother of a headache, possibly even a migraine sneaking up on him, but he didn't really care. He had been released from the hospital Monday morning, when his symptoms hadn't worsened.

Dr. Cullen closed his notepad and stuffed it in his pocket. "I know you're worried about Benjamin, but I'm a little concerned you're wearing yourself too thin." He gave Connor's arm a gentle squeeze of support. It hadn't been until late Monday night that Connor had realized that Dr. Cullen was Edward Cullen's father. Connor had so many questions about Edward, but he hadn't asked a single one. However, he figured that was why Dr. Cullen always understood about Ben and him, or he somehow was warned if a family member came to see him. The doctor and the nurses were like his own private guard.

"I'm fine." Connor gave a dismissive wave with his hand. "Patience was never my thing."

The doctor chuckled. "The hours can seem long in this place, but you're doing great. Just remember to get some rest for yourself. I'll be back later."

"Thanks," Connor murmured. He leaned over the bed again, stroking Ben's hair. "Come on, baby. Open your eyes for me."

Nothing. No response. Connor was willing to do anything to get Ben back, but nothing seemed to work. What if he stayed like this forever?

oooooOOOOooooo

**Yeah…crap, I wish I could give you an answer, but it's not ready yet. **

**Thank you for all your concern and thoughts on behalf of Ben and Connor. They appreciate it—very much.**

**However, what do you think? Good chapter – Bad chapter?**

**My lovely ladies, Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22, you're awesomeness!**


	18. Awake

**Awake**

Ben was teetering along on the edges of consciousness, just floating at the boundaries of what felt like a massive black hole. Every now and again Connor's frantic voice floated to the surface, but Ben couldn't hold on to it before the blackness encroached again, sucking him away from the voices.

"Ben, honey, can you hear me?"

_Yes_, he wanted to answer, but it was like his lips had been stitched closed.

Fighting the darkness by following the fluctuating light that had suddenly started to filter into his awareness, he tried to open his eyes. Light pierced through his vision, stinging painfully. He wanted to ask… something, but he didn't know how to keep his scattered thoughts in place, or even how to focus.

"Ben?"

He groaned as he tried once again to peel his eyes open. The result was the same, rays of bright light stabbed into his eyeballs. The instinct to stretch rolled over him, like awakening from a long and comfortable sleep. That was when he realized every inch of his body was screaming with pain. Even the tiniest hair follicle seemed to be burning. Instantly, he longed to return to the endless darkness and not be subjected to this torture.

He tried to wet his lips, but his tongue was thick and dry in his mouth and he couldn't swallow.

His ears tuned into the soft inhale and exhale from somewhere close to him. Slowly, more sounds seemed to push through, penetrating the thick darkness. It wasn't until this moment that Ben noticed just how opaque the blackness surrounding him had been. Soaring through it, the darkness had felt safe. Now it was abandoning him, fleeing like rats from a sinking ship.

Defying his protesting body, he tried to bend his fingers. The ones on the right side didn't respond, but the left hand did.

Instantly, there was a pressure. It was a warm and welcome answer to his careful movement.

"Ben?" The tone was so hopeful, yet barely above a whisper. Trying to wet his mouth so he could answer, he found his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. Then he heard Connor's concerned voice again. "Ben, baby?"

This time, he managed to open his mouth. He was parched. "Yes."

"Oh, thank God." The sigh of relief was palpable in the air.

"I'm thirsty." Ben's voice sounded like gravel being crushed under feet.

"Here." A straw was placed between his lips, but he didn't have the strength to suck. A moment later, something cool touched his mouth, before slipping in between his lips. The relief was instant. Ice-chips. Who knew ice-chips could taste so good? He relaxed savoring how drops of water rehydrated his mouth.

"Can you open your eyes, Benjamin?" This was a different voice. Ben couldn't place it, but it definitely wasn't Connor's.

Choosing to ignore the pain radiating from his right side, Ben blinked rapidly, opening his eyes. Mostly, he felt like he had been caught in a sandstorm with his lids forced open. They felt bone dry and itchy. His vision was blurry at best.

"Do you know where you are, Ben?" the man asked.

Alternating between squeezing his eyes shut and trying to focus, he finally made out the face. "Dr. Cullen, what are you doing here?" Ben asked confused when he remembered this was Edward's father. He tried to clear his throat to make his voice smoother.

He smiled indulgently. "I'm afraid you're on my territory. It's nice to see you again, though I wish it was under better circumstances."

Ben's head was fuzzy, but his mind wasn't like quicksand anymore. "Where's Connor?" he croaked.

"I'm right here."

Ben shifted his gaze to the other side, finding Connor staring nervously down at him. "It's so good to see those big brown eyes again," Connor softly said. His eyes were filled with worry; deep and endless worry that resonated across his entire face. Ben frowned and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Something was still wrong with his eyes.

"What happened to your face?" Ben asked when the blinking didn't help. Connor was far too dark under his eyes. A kaleidoscope of colors bloomed across his face.

"It's nothing. I broke my nose, but it will heal. Don't worry about it." Connor smiled a little.

"Benjamin, do you know where you are?" Dr. Cullen asked, before he could drill Connor with questions about why his nose was broken.

Ben thought for a long time. "Come to think of it, no, I don't," he answered. There was only a massive black hole in his mind.

"You're in the hospital. You were in a car accident. Do you remember anything?" the doctor prompted.

Ben searched his mind again, pulling up a memory of silver vehicle headed straight for them. "Yeah. I remember someone hitting us." He looked over at Connor's anxious face again. "Are you all right?" he fretfully asked.

Connor's smile was stunning, but sardonic at the same time. "You're in a hospital bed and you're asking if _I'm_ okay? I'm perfectly fine Ben, just a few cuts and bruises."

Ben groaned when he tried to move. Pain lashed through his chest, sending rays of agony… everywhere. "What about the silver car? Are they okay?" he croaked.

"Yes, the woman is fine. You took the worst of it, gorgeous." Connor's answer was soft, just like his touch was when he stroked Ben's hair back. Slowly, Ben wet his lips, blinking multiple times. It was a little hard to take everything in. People had been hurt.

"Ben, I'm going do a few simple tests now and then you can get some rest," Dr. Cullen said. From the chest pocket of his white coat, he picked out a small flashlight. "Your pupils are equal and responsive," Dr. Cullen murmured as bright light jabbed right into Ben's eyes. He winced, but that only made his chest explode with pain. Then the doctor made him follow his finger. "How's your vision. Any problems?"

"I feel a bit like I'm drunk."

Dr. Cullen smiled. "That's understandable. Do you feel this?" Ben tried to locate what it was he was supposed to feel, but there was only a warm familiar feeling of Connor's hand around his and that was on the opposite side of where the doctor stood.

"No. Am I supposed to?"

"It's too soon to tell, but let's see how you're doing tomorrow." Dr. Cullen gravely answered. "You took a serious hit, Benjamin."

Drawing a breath as deep as he could manage without provoking that God-awful pain again, Ben mustered up the courage to ask. "How bad is it?"

"You pretty much tore the brachial artery in your right upper arm. We were able to repair it. You also suffered several open fractures to your lower arm, but we put the bones back in place with metal rods. It should heal up nicely. Lastly, your ring and little fingers are broken, too."

To maintain a grain of his sanity, Ben chose not to linger on his shattered arm. That was just too devastating to really comprehend the consequences of right now. "Anything else broken?" he tried to keep his tone light.

"No, but your ribs are a bit bruised and you have a large contusion on your right thigh."

Staring up at the ceiling, Ben tried to move his fingers, but it was like there was nothing there, like the hardwiring to his brain was gone. His heart felt too large to fit into his chest and it was pumping so heavily it was giving him a headache. His thoughts quickly zeroed in on the main problem. "My arm… it's a damn mess, isn't it?"

Dr. Cullen's smile was professional, but earnest. "Let's hope not, but it's too early to tell. It might just be swelling and trauma that has made you lose sensation, but let's give it another day."

Ben nodded, apathetical, not knowing what the hell to think. The room was suddenly too quiet and it was unbearable. "Well, good thing I'm a lefty then," he sardonically murmured.

"Keep your spirit up, Benjamin," Dr. Cullen said kindly and patted his shoulder very gently. "Let the nurses know if you need any more pain meds, okay?"

"Sure."

Dr. Cullen closed the door very quietly behind him. Ben looked at Connor, who sat on his good side. He hadn't noticed until now how riddled with guilt Connor's eyes were. Apart from the bruising across his nose, he was barely recognizable. The usual trace of humor had vacated his eyes, and his mouth was set in a tense line.

"What's wrong, honey?" Ben softly asked.

Connor dropped his face into his hands. His breathing changed and turned labored. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," he said into hollow space of his palms. He looked up, his eyes permeated with remorse. "I should have let you drive." He took Ben's hand, kissing his fingers. "I'm so sorry," he whispered and his voice turned muddled.

Ben blinked rapidly, trying to grasp why Connor was _so_ upset. He focused on the fuzzy memory of the seconds before the accident happened and everything went black. He faintly remembered telling Connor the light was green. Then there was a silver car headed straight for them. "It wasn't your fault."

Moisture formed tears in Connor's eyes, a sight Ben never thought he would see. Was he crying? It was strangely beautiful and unbearable at the same time. Connor put his forehead down against the bed, sounding like he was trying to hide his sniffle.

"Come here," Ben whispered, when he couldn't stand seeing him fall apart. It didn't take much coaxing before Connor carefully buried his face in the crook of Ben's neck and let out a shaky exhale.

"I thought I killed you. I thought you died, Ben. I'm so sorry. I love you. I never wanted to hurt you. I wish so much that it was me in that bed and not you. I love you. Please, don't leave me. I'm so sorry."

Ben tightened his arm as hard as he could to make Connor's stop rambling. He was being absurd. "Shh," he hushed. "I love you, too. I know it was an accident." Ben had no doubt that Connor wasn't to blame for this. Unfortunately, accidents like this happened every day, but he knew his lover wasn't a reckless driver. He would never deliberately put anyone in danger.

It took a while to help Connor calm down, and for Ben to wheedle a smile from him. He had grown to treasure that smile and it brightened his entire day. When Connor finally peeked up from playing possum, they stared at each other. Seconds, minutes, or perhaps an hour passed while they looked at each other. Connor idly started stroking Ben's tousled hair with one hand and caressing his cheek with the other.

"There's no end to how much I love you," Connor whispered. His breath was gentle and warm on Ben's face. Now, it was Ben's turn to tear up. There were so many reasons for the moisture in his eyes—the accident, his arm, and their love—but mostly because he realized that Connor had been through hell. He might be the one in the hospital bed, but Connor had probably stood helplessly by and felt so powerless. That was almost worse.

"I love you, too."

Connor's lids lowered, and relief swept across his face. Again, the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes into hours. Well, it felt that way.

"Anna calls all the time," Connor quietly said after a while.

"I would suspect so. She worries too much." Ben sighed. In a way, he was glad that Anna knew he was in the hospital, but he didn't want for her to be upset.

"She loves you."

"And I love her," Ben added, feeling a pang of longing for his old friend. What it would feel like to hug her again?

"When do I get to meet her?" Connor quietly asked.

"Someday, when she comes here or we go to Italy, whichever comes first," Ben said and closed his eyes. "It's exhausting being in a hospital bed. I already long to go home." He would much rather be in his own bed and under with his own sheets. It was far more comfortable and relaxing than a hospital. The white walls had a clinical feeling to them and they made him antsy.

"I haven't got a clue. Are you getting tired? You should rest," Connor hurried to say.

"That's okay. I have too many questions and I prefer listening to your voice over going to sleep. By the way, for how long have I been out?"

"It's Tuesday night. You've been unresponsive for a couple of days."

"Wow," Ben gasped. Oh, he felt entirely too weak. "Have you talked to your family?" Given this recent weekend, things had changed so much and Connor had big plans for them. The real question he was asking was whether had he already gone ahead and let the cat out of the bag.

"Yeah, they've been here. They saw you too."

Ben peeled his eyes open for a moment, though his lids were unbelievable heavy. "Did you tell them anything?"

Connor shook his head. "It hardly seemed like the time. They knew we went to Big Bear together, but that's about it."

"That must have made them happy?" Ben added sardonically, closing his eyes again. The baseball incident was in the past, but hardly forgotten.

"They're worried about you. Maybe it won't be so bad when I tell them about us," Connor wistfully murmured. He put his head down on the bed and Ben grasped the opportunity to dig his fingers into Connor's thick hair. He loved the feeling of it sliding between his fingers.

"Maybe," Ben acquiesced, though he knew that it probably wasn't going to be so. "When do they kick you out? Visiting hours are probably over," Ben somberly said. The thought of being strapped to a hospital bed was bad enough, but it was entirely too depressing to have to stay here without Connor. The hours would simply feel too long.

"They don't. Dr. Cullen carries a lot of weight with the nurses and they let me stay. Well, I was a patient myself up until yesterday afternoon."

"You have to go home at some point."

Connor shook his head. "I'd rather stay here with you. It's my fault you're in here."

Ben's lips thinned, but he really didn't have the energy to rehash the argument. Letting his fingers roam through the blond hair, he felt grateful that he didn't have to lie here alone. He tried not to think about his numb and useless arm neatly arranged in a cast, placed down along his side.

"Do you have a magic marker? It's customary to sign the cast."

Connor smirked. "Not in my back pocket at the moment. No."

Ben tried to straighten his back a bit, becoming increasingly aware that he had been in this position for quite a while. Other than that, he felt a pressing need. "I think I need to pee."

Connor lifted his head, resting his chin on the bed. "You have a catheter."

Ben groaned at the thought. That was an uncomfortable idea. "Just great, but I still need to go." Before he could reach to call the nurse, Connor beat him to it. The wait was short, mostly like the help had been waiting just outside the door.

The nurse knocked softly before entering. She was a stout woman with voluptuous female curves. Her smile was incredibly kind, and her eyes were soft with solicitude. "Dr. Cullen mentioned that you were awake, but that you needed a moment. I'm Nettie. Is everything okay in here?"

"Hi. I think I need to use the bathroom," Ben answered. "I wasn't sure how to go about it."

The blonde nurse smiled widely, like being put to work made her entire day. "That's what I'm here for."

Connor gave his hand a light squeeze. "I'm just going to raid the vending machine. They must have restocked it by now." He smiled. Ben was eternally grateful that he didn't need to ask for the privacy. Sure, Connor was his lover and knew his body, but with a tube stuck into his bladder he felt indisposed and kind of emasculated. The thought of Connor witnessing all of that was an unwelcome thought. The nurse could prod away all she wanted, but not in front of his boyfriend.

Connor leaned in placing a tender kiss on Ben's mouth. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks," Ben murmured.

"It's good that your body is sending the right signals again," Nettie, the nurse, said when she had removed the catheter and had secured his lifeless arm in a sling. "How how do you feel about sitting up?"

"Okay, guess."

"Good. Take it very slowly and just lean on me." Ben held his breath as his ribs protested with every single movement he made. His head was swimming and his vision was still somewhat blurry. The nurse lowered the bed, so Ben's feet reached the floor and all he had to do was put some weight on his legs. It wasn't exactly easy and mostly it felt like his bones were made of jelly and his joints were unhinged.

"I can fetch a wheelchair?" Nurse Nettie offered, as Ben put most of his weight on her using his good arm.

"I want to walk. I need to move around," Ben groaned when the trip to the bathroom felt like running a marathon.

When he was safely back in bed, he was just bone tired. It felt so good to be lying down, but his body was screaming with pain. He didn't hesitate to ask for the pain meds Dr. Cullen had offered earlier.

"Goodnight. I'm just around the corner if you need anything else," Nettie said when the meds were on board and she had made sure Ben's IV was disentangled from the pole and the bed.

"Thanks," Ben murmured, closing his eyes as the foggy feeling took over. He knew Connor was back, when he felt his hair being stroked. "What do I have to do to get you to climb into bed with me?" Now that he was pretty much drugged out and had the reassurance that this was not some unrequited love affair, he could open up. It wasn't even that hard.

Connor laughed. "Not much at all, honey, but the nurse will have my head if I do."

Ben smiled with his eyes closed. "So what's stopping you?"

Nothing apparently. Connor very, very carefully crawled up to his side. As Ben felt close to the brink of sleep, his fingers leisurely started to roam through the blond hair with his uninjured hand. It felt so soothing.

"You!" Someone whispered, "Out of bed."

Ben grumbled and instantly shivered from the cold when his comfortable and warm blanket was removed. In Ben's sluggish state, it didn't seem like much time passed before Connor crawled into bed again.

Ben woke early the next morning, only to find nurse Nettie glowering down at him. "He's incorrigible, isn't he?" she asked.

Ben smiled though his entire body was throbbing. "Yes, he is." He kissed Connor's hair softly. He was nuzzled up under Ben's chin, breathing lightly. He was still asleep. "But he's mine," Ben whispered mostly to himself.

The nurse's scowl faltered and an indulgent smile curled the corners of her mouth. "I specifically told him to stay in the chair."

"It's not his fault. I asked him," Ben added guiltily and drew a careful breath. He squeezed Connor shoulder to wake him up. Peeling his eyes open, Connor looked warily at Nettie, who had her hands on her wide hips.

"Sorry," Connor murmured without sounding guilty at all. He flashed his cheeky boyish smile. Ben rolled his eyes. This was Connor in a nutshell, using his pretty smile to get out of trouble. By the looks of it, it worked.

As the men disentangled themselves, Ben was not spared once ounce of pain as it hurt even to breathe. He was just about to ask for another shot of morphine when he was aware that it was his _entire_ body that was aching, even down to his fingers on his right hand. His arm that had been lifeless yesterday hurt like a bitch.

"Oh, thank God," he gasped when relief flooded him. "Oh sweet Jesus, my arm hurts." The pain was glorious and a blessing in disguise, because that had to mean one thing. The sensation had returned.

"I'll page Dr. Cullen," the nurse kindly said. Her eyes were alight with joy. "He'll need to examine you again."

The wait was agony until the good doctor arrived. Ben wasn't allowed any pain meds until Dr. Cullen had been by again. In spite of the bulky cast, Ben had been able to use both his thumb and two fingers that weren't broken. The movement hadn't been much, but it was a far cry from no sensation at all.

"When can I go home?" Ben eagerly asked, when Dr. Cullen finished his tests.

"Perhaps, tomorrow," the doctor answered and jammed the pen into his coat pocket. "Let's see how today goes. You should try to get up and move around a bit."

"I'm dying to have a shower?" Ben carefully suggested. He was starting to feel grimy. His skin was greasy and his armpits were giving of a certain BO.

"If you feel up to it, that should be okay. I'll let the nurse know. She'll be here shortly with something for the pain."

Ben sagged with relief as the morphine erased most of his agony, like rain washing way a chalk painting on the sidewalk.

Unfortunately, the warm and wholesome Nettie had gone home for the day, not to return until nightfall. Ben didn't care much for the petite, polite and cold fingered Jane, who had the day shift. She was ruthlessly efficient, but her personality was just about as appealing as a piece of wet cardboard.

"I'll manage," Ben said when Jane had given sufficient instructions to keep the cast dry. Also his IV had been removed, so he didn't need to worry about that. Standing up, his legs felt steadier today compared to last night. Maybe, it was the king-size breakfast he had consumed or Connor's constant encouragements that paid off. For the most part, Ben was able to get the job done with one hand sitting on a chair in the shower. However when he needed his hair washed and rinsed, he ran into trouble. Connor wasn't more than a few steps away.

"Tilt your head back," Connor said and gently started to rinse the suds out. His firm touch massaging his scalp felt incredible and so soothing. Ben preferred Connor's help opposed to Jane's.

Connor turned the water off and reached for a towel, starting to dry him off. Ben sighed and tiredly leaned his head against his lover's stomach. Connor gently wiped his back. Perhaps, leaning on someone else for a while wouldn't be so bad. Who knew a shower could be this exhausting?

Ben felt almost human again, after he was back in bed with fresh sheets and a clean set of clothes minus the hospital gown.

There was a knock on the door, and Jess poked her head in a moment later. "Hey you, is now a bad time?" Her eyes were etched with worry.

"Not at all, sweetheart," Ben smiled. He leaned his face to the side when Jess gently kissed his cheek, before giving Connor a big hug. She looked like she was about to cry. "Don't be sad. I'm okay."

"You don't look very well," she said, and then frowned like her words would hurt him. He knew what he looked like. His right thigh was predominantly more purple than his normal skin color. His chest and ribs were just about every color under the sun. He had a scrape on his forehead and cheekbone that both looked ghastly.

"Oh, don't worry. Mostly, it's just scratches. Well, besides my arm."

"I was so worried about you. Are you really okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be back to surfing anytime now," Ben joked, though he had to bite back his disappointment.

Jess swallowed tightly, like she was forcing down a handful of pills on a dry throat. She knew the truth, too. Ben wasn't fooling anybody. It would be months before he got back on a board—if ever, depending on how his arm healed.

Ben smiled, though he felt the need to change the subject. There was no better way to do that than to distract Jess. "Hey, how was your weekend? More importantly, how was the ex?" Ben teasingly asked. Connor laughed shaking his head.

Jess giggled, before smacking her lips. "Oh, let's say mission accomplished. Sarah's moving back to L.A. in a few weeks. That's why she came. She wanted to tell me in person."

Ben's brows shot up. "And?" he prompted when that clearly wasn't the whole story.

"And I'm not going to let her go again. I mean that. I am so done being single." Jess smiled and looked down when her cheeks turned pink. It was so unlike her, but it looked sweet.

"Well, I'm glad."

Jess graced them both with tales of her weekend, but she didn't stay long. She didn't want to impose and it was clear that Ben tired easily.

Connor settled next to Ben on the bed once they were alone again and Ben leaned into his side with his hand slowly seeking comfort in the soft blond hair. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" Ben asked softly enjoying the solitude. It was late in the afternoon.

"Yeah, I do and I'm already here."

Ben's mouth curled at the corners. "I don't think I thanked you for taking care of everything." Throughout the day, Ben had learned that Connor had called Aro, Bree and Anna to keep them all updated.

"Don't mention it." He kissed Ben below his jaw. "Stroke my hair again," Connor whispered as soon as Ben's hand stilled. There was a careful knock on the door and Connor tensed, but he didn't manage to move before the door opened.

Ben gaped when Edward slipped into the room.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to disturb," Edward quietly said.

Connor's hand tensed against Ben's ribs, before he unraveled himself and got up. "Uhm, that's okay," Connor murmured, looking back at Ben in confusion. Ben shrugged, not having a clue why Edward Cullen was in his hospital room. Right, his doctor was his former lover's father—fantastic.

"How are you feeling?" Edward asked.

Ben sat up some, while Connor adjusted the pillow behind his back. "Lucky, I guess. I'm glad it's my arm and not my head that's trashed."

"Yeah, that's good," Edward carefully answered, eyeing Connor with an awkward apologetic look.

From the corner of his eyes, Ben noticed how Connor's lips thinned to a hard line for a moment. "Uhm, I'll go call some people… or something," he muttered. He leaned over Ben on the bed and placed a soft kiss on his mouth. "I'll see you soon. You two should talk, I guess."

Ben smiled. "Thanks."

When Connor left, the silence was awkward and tense. Edward sat down in the chair next to the bed. Ben watched Edward set something wrapped in tinfoil aside on the table.

"Bella made you some banana bread," he said, like he expected Ben to reach out and toss it into the trash.

"Thank you. That was very kind of her." Ben paused. "Where's she today?"

"At home. She didn't think you'd appreciate it very much if she came here. She sends her best wishes."

"Thanks." Looking down, he ran his finger along the edge of the cast. It was still pristinely white, though it probably wasn't going to stay that way. Growing increasingly antsy, Ben peered up to find Edward gazing at him with that damn _'I'm so sorry'_ look in his eyes. Whether the look was caused by the accident or what happened in the past, he didn't know. However, if he was a betting man, the latter was his choice.

"Edward," Ben sighed. Facing that old ghost was more discomforting than he thought. They should have had this conversation months ago. "It's in the past."

Edward chewed his lip. When he looked up, his gaze was earnest. "I never intended to treat you the way I did."

Ben's mind leaped back to when Edward had so nobly broken up with him, because he had developed feelings for Isabella. Quickly, the memory changed into the night he had come back to Ben's apartment, where things had really gotten messy and complicated. All of them got hurt that night. The thought then morphed to the weekend he had just spent in Big Bear with Connor. He thought about the bike ride, the talking, the sex, Connor's playful nature and how that landed him in the ice cold water of the lake.

Now, he was lying here partially immobilized and injured in a hospital bed, and Edward's guilt was clearly skyrocketing over something that was in the past. It was all wrong. None of it was Edward's fault, so he didn't need to haul himself over the coals because of it.

The wheels were turning furiously in Ben's head, trying to locate some magic way to ease the significance of what happened in the past. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back. Perhaps, there was no quick fix and maybe there never would be?

"We all own a part of what happened. Isabella forgave you and I don't blame you for anything," Ben softly said. "That's the beauty of it all; we get over things and move on." He paused as he reached out, gently grasping Edward's wrist. "I moved on. I love Connor. So for all of us, let's draw a line in the sand and let the past stay in the past."

Edward sat with his elbows on his knees. He cleared his throat. "Okay. I really should learn not to obsess over things, shouldn't I?" He tried to smile, but it was half-hearted.

Ben laughed gently, remembering Bree calling Edward uptight. She was right. "I think it would be best, well, at least in this case," he acquiesced.

"It has been really hard accepting that I was such a dickhead to do something like that to you." He looked down at Ben's hand. Ben gave a small encouraging squeeze and then let go.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't fair to you or Isabella either. I knew how you two felt about each other and I still did what I did. That's the part I have to accept."

"True," Edward said, before he smiled. "So Connor, it's serious with him?"

Ben's heart did a little jump. "Yes. Well, there's no telling what is going to happen now that we landed in this mess, but we're in a good place."

"I'm… I'm really happy for you. I hope he's good enough for you."

Ben chuckled. "I keep wondering if I'm good enough for _him_." He stopped talking. Was that too much information between old lovers, or could they, if the past really did stay in the past, be friends? He had liked Edward before their emotions got so tangled up.

Edward frowned. "Of course you are," he said, like Ben had suddenly lost his marbles.

For something to do with his fingers, Ben traced the slight bruise from where his IV had been inserted into the back of his hand. "Do you and Isabella ever talk about what happened?" He glanced up.

"Sometimes," Edward answered. "Some days, she is royally pissed off about what I did and she lets me have it. Those days are fewer and farther between now, though. We're trying to move forward instead, and get ready for the babies. Does Connor know what happened?"

Ben nodded and fiddled with a stubborn and loose thread on his shirt. He narrowed his eyes at Edward. "So what are you now? Straight or bi?"

To Ben's surprise, Edward chuckled. "Damned if I know. The only thing I'm certain of is that Bella is the one for me. During the past months, I've stopped trying to find the right label for myself. I don't see the point anymore."

"How very casual of you," Ben lightly said. Edward smiled in return. He knew he was uptight… or used to be. "I guess your father told you that I was here?" Ben purposely changed the subject. Perhaps, this could be it and the ghost had been laid to bed. He was too exhausted to overthink things right now.

Edward looked back perplexed. "No. Did you see him?"

Ben chuckled. "He's my doctor."

"You're in good hands then. Actually, I heard about the accident from Aro yesterday and Bella got a call from Jess. It looks like you two have a friend in common." Edward's tone was suddenly natural, relaxed, and comfortable like it had been before Isabella came into the picture.

"Yeah, I know. Jess was just here."

When the topic moved away from their shady past, the conversation suddenly flowed effortlessly. It was simply small talk, a little about Edward's pending fatherhood and how his sisters Rosalie and Alice were doing.

"Please take care of yourself, okay?" Edward stood, gently taking Ben's good hand.

"I'll try to do that. Tell Isabella thank you for the bread." It really was a nice gesture. He could appreciate that much.

"I will. I hope you feel better soon. I think Aro is about to rip his hair out without you."

Ben snickered. He had a feeling that wasn't far from the truth. Poor Aro. He had a tendency to stress about things if Ben wasn't there to reassure him.

The room was quiet when Edward left, but that didn't last long. Just as Ben was just about to doze off, Connor was back with someone Ben had missed dearly.

"Look who I found out in the hall," Connor gently said.

Bree's eyes were wide and scared, and she looked like she wanted to turn her back and run the hell out of this room.

"It's my favorite teenager," Ben teased. "Are you here to yell at me for not coming to tutor you today?"

Bree pressed her lips together and looked down at the floor. Connor, who stood behind her, squeezed her shoulders gently in support. Bree's eyes watered and she clearly didn't take to Ben's lighthearted banter.

"It's okay, Bree," Ben softly said, opting to change his tactics. "It looks worse than it is." She narrowed her eyes at him when she looked up. Clearly, she thought he was lying. "Come here." Connor had to give her a light shove to get her to move. She sat down in the chair next to his bed. She didn't say anything. Ben reached his hand out, and hesitantly she took it.

"You're supposed to be unbreakable," she whispered as a single tear fell. Ben didn't want to admit it, but he could see how seeing him being laid out in a hospital bed would make her feel. He was supposed to help her, not need help.

"I heal really well."

Bree nodded, but her eyes betrayed her. She didn't believe him. All he knew to do was keep assuring her and telling her that he was going to be just fine. If not for himself then for Bree, he would make damn sure his arm was as good as new once it healed.

"How did you get here?" Ben asked after a while.

"I took the bus."

Ben frowned. That didn't sit well with him. She shouldn't be trekking across L.A. by herself. However, he wasn't going to berate her for it. It was probably the last thing she needed, though he needed for her to be safe.

They talked for a little while and eventually, Connor was able to charm her into smiling a little. When she left, Connor followed her to the exit and put her in a cab and supplied her with four twenties for the ride.

Once Connor came back, he was quiet and gnawing on a chocolate bar. His eyes were wary and his pace was casually slow. He sat down. Ben reached out for his hand much like he had done with Bree, and Connor didn't hesitate to take it.

"Is everything okay, honey?"

"I'm just tired," Connor answered. He popped the last piece of chocolate into his mouth.

"You could go home and get a decent night's sleep?" Ben offered. Connor didn't need to put himself through this just because Ben was confined to this room. Connor cocked a brow like that was just about the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Ben chuckled. Old habits die hard. He was a people pleaser to the bone. "How about we take a nap here?"

"Now that's more like it."

"Do you think we will have any more surprise visitors?" Ben hinted.

"No, my parents have plans tonight and Lucy texted that she wasn't feeling well. We're in the clear."

"Good, now get in here." Ben awkwardly scuttled to the side of the mattress and drew a deep breath when Connor's scent enveloped him.

"I love you, honey." For the first time, Ben just needed Connor to hear it. Ben needed to say the words and let his lover know that he really did love him.

Connor sighed in response and burrowed his head deeper into the crook of Ben's neck. "Did you and Edward talk?"

"Yeah, I think… I think we can finally put the lid on what happened." Ben tightened his grip around Connor as he savored… everything they had. This relationship really was everything and that was when Ben realized something. He wasn't above doing the same thing that Edward had done to him. "Connor, if I had met you while I was still with Edward, I would have done the same thing. Had I gotten to know you sooner, I would have ended up leaving him for you."

Connor's head popped up and his brows shot up. "That's… big."

"I know." Ben closed his eyes feeling sleep wash over him.

oooooOOOOooooo

**See I can be nice. No cliffy this time.**

**Thank you all so much for commenting, and I'm honestly sorry for not responding this time. I feel lousy about it, but I guess that's just the general state of mind that I'm in. Please, bear with me.**

**As always, I couldn't do this without Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22. I hope you girls know that. **


	19. Fight

**Fight**

Four weeks had passed since the accident. Ben was healing, but it had become clear that it was a hassle managing your life with a broken arm and a cast that went above your elbow. The bandage that used to cover the scar where he tore the artery had been removed a few days ago. Now, he had a purple and angry-looking scar there. Ben was looking forward to the day when he could kiss the cast goodbye. It was itchy, uncomfortable and impossible to ignore. The simplest things were proving to be problematic, like buttering up a slice of bread, buttoning your pants or even opening a jar of pickles, and that often left Ben frustrated. He didn't handle being incapable of taking care of himself very well. He always needed Connor's help with something.

A few days after Ben had been released from the hospital, Connor pretty much went back to his old life. When his nose had been cleared for training again, he had a list of clients that he didn't want to ignore. On Wednesday nights, he went to his usual game of touch football. He swung by his own place a few times a week, but he merely stayed for an hour or so. When night fell, Connor was back at Ben's place. That left one thing painfully obvious - Connor had pretty much moved in. It wasn't a problem at all, but sitting down and having a conversation about taking that step didn't seem wise. It felt like rocking the boat, so for now, Ben figured it was better to leave well enough alone.

On the surface, everything seemed perfectly normal, but Ben hadn't missed that the wheels were churning in Connor's head. He was quiet, and often staring into nothing as time sped by. Before their trip to Big Bear, Connor would have teased Ben for his attention, but now, he just sat still with a lost look in his eyes. Ben wasn't a fool and he knew exactly what was going on.

Ben stretched and rolled over in bed. The other side was cold and empty. Opening his eyes, he noticed that the bedroom was still dark, so it wasn't morning yet.

"Connor?" he croaked.

"Yeah." The voice came from behind Ben. He rolled again and found Connor sitting on the floor with his arms leaning against his kneecaps. He was looking at Ben, but his face was pale in the artificial light from the alarm clock. His head was perched against the wall, like it was simply too heavy to hold upright.

"Are you okay?" He propped up on his good elbow. He didn't like the somber expression Connor was wearing. He used to light up in a brilliant smile that made Ben's entire day. He hadn't seen it that often lately.

"I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning." He sighed in defeat. "I didn't want to wake you."

Ben frowned. "You need a hug?" He watched Connor's lips twist in a tiny smile. "Come back to bed, baby. It's lonely without you." It didn't take much luring to convince him and Ben scuttled back as he crawled into bed again. "That's better. Gosh, you're so cold. Let me warm you." Ben wrapped his good arm tightly around him, letting Connor bury his face in the pillow by his shoulder. This was the only way Ben knew how to care for him.

Gently, Ben stroked Connor's back. "It's going to be okay, honey. It's all part of the process." The reason why Connor was so quiet was because he was moving closer to coming out. It was a huge step and this was the quiet before the storm.

Connor sighed as he slipped his hand along Ben's side. "I need…I don't know what I need."

"You don't need to explain anything, Connor. I understand," Ben answered. He did understand. He knew that Connor just needed to feel safe for a while. He needed a place where everything felt right.

Ben slipped his warm leg in between Connor's thighs, pressing their bodies together. Connor's fingertips played around in the hairs on his chest. "Feel better?" Ben softly asked.

Sucking in a slow deep breath, Connor spoke. "Yeah, it feels good to lie here. I just need it to be quiet for a while." He kissed Ben's throat. "Just keep holding me and maybe I can fall asleep again."

Ben held on tighter, savoring how wonderful it felt to finally get something right. He wasn't insecure, doubtful or anxious about his life, because lying in bed while having Connor tease the smatter of hair on his chest, he felt loved and knew he had love to give. He didn't need to ignore some nagging feeling that something was wrong, because there wasn't one. This was real. Connor was real, and there was no distance between them. Their connection wasn't just about how Connor's warm and naked body felt heavy and wonderful against his own. It was so much more; it was everything, and it was the whole package.

Later that morning, Ben stared at himself in the mirror. He had needed a shave for more than a week now and the situation was getting out of hand. First task was getting the shaving gel out of the container. After awkwardly pressing down with his thumb while trying to get the gel to land in his palm, he realized this was close to being unfeasible. Already, he could feel his frustration building, and that was not helping one bit.

Making a bit of a mess, Ben managed to get the gel out, and then he set about applying it on his face. He barely started dragging the razor down his cheek before he nicked himself. Instantly, crimson oozed and a narrow trail of blood ran down his throat.

"Dammit," he hissed. He threw the razor onto the counter top and reached for a tissue to clean up the blood.

"Do you need any help?"

Ben flinched, and his heart lurched into his mouth. "Would you stop scaring me?" he griped and picked up the razor again. "I'm fine."

"Clearly."

"Just say what you have to say, Connor," Ben snapped as he awkwardly tried to make use of his right arm. Pain instantly shot up his arm. He didn't have the patience for this, and he really didn't appreciate not being able to shave by himself.

Connor tried to suppress his smile as he clearly read into Ben's frustration. He hoisted himself onto the vanity counter, sitting with his back to the mirror. Then he peeled the razor from Ben's hand. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to ask for help." Gently, he grasped Ben's soapy chin and smoothly ran the razor along his jaw. Instantly, Ben felt bad for his foul mood. It wasn't fair that he was acting like a jerk when Connor already had so many things on his mind. The past week hadn't been easy for him and the coming weeks weren't going to be any better. On top of that, Connor had been nothing but understanding and supportive when it came to helping Ben with whatever he needed.

"It's not easy," Ben softly answered.

"I know. I just wished you would lean on me and know I'm really not going anywhere. I like taking care of my man." Connor smirked. "This is kind of hot."

"Helping me shave turns you on?" Ben murmured. After he thought about it, his lover's hand on his face with the sharp object running over his Adam's apple was a little thrilling and it was also something that required a lot of trust. Ben tilted his face to the other side, while Connor was rinsing the razor.

"Oh, baby, everything about you turns me on."

"Even this?" Ben held up his bad arm.

Connor frowned. "Seeing a part of you broken doesn't, but the fact you need me around, whether you admit to it or not, kind of does." He focused as he dragged the blades near across Ben's carotid artery.

Ben fell silent as Connor's words raced through his head. He really was bad at accepting any kind of help. Staring at himself in the mirror, he was suddenly fed up with the hurt fifteen-year-old boy who was running his life. He was a grown man for crying out loud. Besides, Connor had proven over and over again since they left the hospital that he would do just about anything for Ben.

"There," Connor said. He rinsed a washcloth, wringed the water from it, and wiped the residue of shaving gel from Ben's face. He sat back, staring at him, clearly waiting for something.

Ben pursed his lips. "I'm not going to ask," he petulantly muttered. He was so not going there.

"Suit yourself." Connor shrugged and slapped an indifferent look across his face. They stared at each other, neither of them willing to give. Connor broke down first, and Ben was just about to gloat. However, that was when Connor changed his plan of attack by hooking a finger into the waistband of Ben's sweats and peeking down. He whistled under his breath. "That is a hairy situation down there, but what do I know is -," he shrugged again, " - you probably don't care."

Ben was about to growl, because Connor knew very well that situation south of the equator was driving him insane. One thing was for certain. There were never any random patches of hairs on Ben's body. He took pride in grooming himself and always, _always_, kept himself trimmed and neat, well, at least up until this stupid cast came along and ruined everything. Ben couldn't stand the idea of what wasn't trimmed, but it was just impossible to do with one hand.

More than anything right now, he wished he could just march into that shower and deal with the situation himself, because he desperately wanted to escape feeling like a hairy beast and Connor was just pushing his buttons.

Ben's brown eyes met soft and challenging blue eyes. "Ask. For. Help," Connor mouthed without making a sound.

The rational part of him knew that he should let Connor help, but it was just so damn hard to say the words. Besides, it was rather humiliating to need his lover to shave his junk.

Several minutes passed while Ben stalled. Was he really ready to finally let go of that fifteen-year-old boy who had been hurt? Perhaps the time had come and if he didn't act on it now, the time would pass and he would never be able to move on. He stewed for several minutes. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just say it? It was like swimming against the current. It took a lot of strength. He discovered it took several tries to actually get the words out.

"Will you help me?" Ben softly asked. He hoped to hell this didn't make him as weak as he felt.

"Of course, I will," Connor answered, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

ooOoo

Ben settled on the couch, slipping his feet under the pillow. He pulled out the latest script that Aro had dropped off at the apartment. This was the last week at home before going back to work. It was a good thing he was returning to work soon, because staying at home most of the time was driving him insane. He was cranky and it had to be wearing on Connor. This new proclaimed love didn't need to be tainted because he was being a grouch.

"I'm leaving now." Connor leaned over the end of the couch and gave Ben a soft kiss. The bruising around his nose and eyes had faded, but it still had a strange yellowish tint to it.

"Break a leg," Ben answered. Connor had an audition for a pilot of a new show, and as he had put it, he needed to find work soon. It wasn't that his career was stalling it was more that Connor wasn't exactly known for his patience. He already had three movies and a few shows under his belt. In time, Ben was sure more parts would open up to him. He just needed to be a little _patient_.

"Thanks." He ran his nose along Ben's. "You know I love you, right?"

"Always." Ben smiled. He really did know now. His main problem though was growing so dependent on Connor. It left him feeling needy. "I love you, too. Go knock 'em dead, big boy."

Connor chuckled and grabbed himself in a somewhat rude gesture. Ben rolled his eyes. A few seconds later, he heard the clacking of keys out in the hall and then the door slammed.

He sighed. Time alone. Wonderful.

Ben awoke to the door slamming again and metal that skidded across the small a glass table in the hall.

"Seriously, Ben?" Connor teased and stared at Ben, who still in the same spot as when he left.

Ben sat up and checked his watch. Where the hell had the day gone? He rubbed his eyes with his good hand. This wasn't the first time he had slept all day. "Hey, honey. How did your audition go?"

Slowly sauntering over, Connor sank down on the couch. He smiled. "I nailed it, baby. They hired me."

"On the spot?"

"Yup, you are now the boyfriend of a failing sports agent."

"Congratulations. That's wonderful for you, but, honey, nothing about you is a flop." Ben chuckled.

Connor winked. "I know. How's your hand?" He reached over, gently massaging Ben's fingers. They had a tendency to feel numb or sometimes it was as if his entire arm was sleeping underneath the cast. Ben couldn't wait to get rid of it.

"It's okay. Not too bad today. What do you want for dinner?" Ben asked when he got up. "No matter what, I think we need to go shopping."

Connor moseyed to the kitchen, pulled the fridge open and emptied the orange juice right from the carton. "Sure. I think the fresh air would be good for you."

Using his hand to pat down his bed hair, Ben went to find out what they needed. Usually, he easily got by on the basics, but with Connor around it was best to keep the fridge well stocked.

As they walked down to the shop, Connor told him everything about his audition. Ben listened and noticed the small changes between them. Out in public, the distance between their bodies was smaller, especially since Connor forgot to be as careful as he used to be. He would give Ben's good arm a small squeeze or simply stand closer, more intimate in his proximity. He wondered if Connor noticed, but it was clear he was growing more comfortable with himself and who he was. Sure, Connor had accepted a long time ago that he was gay, but now he was preparing to let the outside world know, too. It was all there, the small steps in a life-altering process.

Back at the apartment, Ben had packed away most of the food, but the counter was still littered with the ingredients they needed for dinner. Now, the task of the night was having Connor in the kitchen helping with the cooking. He wasn't exactly at home here.

"No," Ben hurried to say when Connor was about to put a head of lettuce down on the chopping board. "You can't put vegetables where you just handled meat. Raw chicken can give you a nasty stomach bug."

"Oh," Connor said confused and held up the knife and lettuce. "So what do I do now?"

"You take a clean chopping board," Ben answered and smiled. He tossed the chicken that was sizzling on the frying pan. Connor started over after picking a clean board out of the cupboard.

"The water is boiling, so you need to add the salt to the water," Ben said.

"How much?"

"About a teaspoonful and then you put in the pasta," Ben added. Though it seemed redundant, he knew Connor would evidently ask what was next. It made Ben wonder if Connor had grown up in a household where food magically appeared in front on you when you sat down at the table. He probably had.

"Where did you learn how to cook?" Connor asked. He picked up the knife again and oh, so slowly started to dice the lettuce. Could he be any slower? Ben didn't say anything, because Connor was making an effort. At this rate, the chicken would be burned to a crisp and it would be past midnight when dinner was done. It was just a pasta salad with some fried chicken, not a five course gourmet meal. Ben would do it, but slicing with one hand just seemed like asking for another trip to the hospital.

"My mom loved to cook. I used to help her in the kitchen when I was a kid. At college, I took some cooking classes on the side. I wanted to be able to fend for myself and not live off of fast food."

"How very smart of you and convenient for me. I like it when you feed me," Connor teased.

"Is that all I am to you, a free meal? I'm offended." Ben faked a snubbed look. "All of this because you're incapable of feeding yourself?"

Connor waved the knife in a derisive gesture. "Hey, I'll have you know I am very capable of using the drive-through."

Ben laughed and leaned into Connor's side. He kissed the corner of his mouth. "Just for the record, I like feeding you."

Connor hummed in response. "Good to know, so how do I deal with these?" He held up a bunch of green asparagus.

"Wash them and then get rid of the tip and the end. Chop the stalk and add put them into the bowl." It was safest to give him precise and minute instructions, because who knew what he would do with them.

Connor turned the water off after carefully washing each one separately, and then he picked his phone out of his pocket. 3 Doors Down was blaring something about Kryptonite. He used the tip of his nose to slide the arrow across the screen. Ben rolled his eyes.

"Hey, Momma Bear. Did you miss me?" Connor put the phone on speaker and left it on the counter as lined up the asparagus on the chopping board.

"Sure," she casually answered. "What are you up to?"

"Mastering the art of cooking."

Lucy laughed. "Uh-huh. What are you really doing?" she asked, because Connor couldn't possibly be cooking, right?

"I'm serious. I'm cooking. Why? What's up?" Connor said. Very slowly, he started chopping the asparagus into tiny pieces. Perhaps, Ben should have mentioned the size to chop them?

"Where are you?" she asked and suddenly there was a suspicious tone to her voice that Ben didn't appreciate.

"Uhm," Connor hedged. He put the knife down and looked at Ben. His eyes were soft and somewhat anxious. Oh, no. What was he doing? Blinking a couple of times, Connor continued. "I'm at Ben's place, actually." Connor swallowed tightly. Ben put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. He just wanted to show him that he was here, no matter what Connor was going to do within the next second.

"Oh," Lucy answered and then everything went silent and pretty awkward.

Connor kept staring into Ben's eyes, but he didn't say anything. Ben just looked right back, wanting to let Connor take this wherever he wanted to. "I've been spending a lot of time with him. Some things aren't easy… with his arm, you know." Connor added, but it sounded like he meant something entirely different. He probably did.

"That's nice of you. Is he feeling better? I hope he is," Lucy said. Her tone was honestly concerned, but it was also clear she wasn't about to put two and two together. Perhaps, that was what Connor was hoping for. That she would grow suspicious and draw the conclusion on her own. That would make it easier for him to break the news to her.

"Yeah, he's getting better." Connor leaned the side of this face into Ben's palm when he moved his hand. He closed his eyes, and suddenly looked tired and worn out, much like he had during the night. This was a look that Ben had seen a lot lately. He knew Connor spent hours thinking while staring into the empty air. Sometimes, he ran twice as far as he usually did to make his muscles burn with exhaustion, so he could chase his pending revelation and fear of telling his family a little further away.

"Well, the reason I called is that I just came from your place. I wanted to surprise you and see if you'd have dinner with me, but some guy named Drew was there? He said he didn't know where you were and I got worried.

Ben stopped breathing.

Drew!

What the fuck?

"Er… he needed a place to stay," Connor slowly answered, while studying Ben.

"Okay, he was at the football game on Wednesday too, right?"

"Uh… yeah, he was." His tone was hesitant, but careful.

Breathing was supposed to be a reflex, right? It was something you didn't have to think about. Your body just did it. It didn't feel like that to Ben right now. Had his lungs collapsed and his heart been set on fire? This was everything that he feared. He dropped his hand from Connor's face, when he realized that he was still touching him. He didn't want to touch him right now.

"I gotta go, Momma Bear. I'll call you back later," Connor said, but he didn't wait for Lucy to answer. Slowly, he shook his head. "It's not what you think, Ben. I can see it in your eyes."

"You fucking promised me…" Ben spat as he tried to sort out his head. Had someone snapped their fingers and he had lost his sanity? What was going on?

"Ben, just listen…"

He cut him off. "Is Drew staying at your apartment?" Ben asked. That was a sound place to start asking questions. "You go there all the time."

"Yes, but…"

That was when the sledgehammer hit. It was so obvious. "Are you fucking him again?" Immediately, he felt like an utter fool for having let his guard down. Why was this happening? Hadn't he done everything that a sane person would do? So why was he being punished again?

"What?" Connor spat. He looked genuinely appalled.

"It's a simple question. Your ex is staying at your apartment, a place where you go several times a week. Yes or no, are you fucking him?" Ben's tone was icy.

"No," Connor answered, and his tone was just as cold. "I'm not going to give you the benefit of an answer, because it's ridiculous."

Ben snorted. "It must be true, then."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Connor shook his head, and suddenly he looked endlessly sad. He stared out the window with those broken eyes. Ben waited. Why wouldn't he just answer the question? "Quit looking at me like that. I can't believe you just accused me of cheating. Don't you know me at all?" He paused and swallowed tightly. Ben's mind was blank, but the hurt was still burning in his chest. Why would Connor let his ex stay at his place, go there, and not tell him about it? There didn't seem to be a logical answer. Well, there was one.

Connor rubbed his face with his hands. "You know what? I don't have to listen to this shit." He moved for the door, flinging it open after he picked up his keys. He looked back over his shoulder. "You just broke my heart, Ben." His tone was lifeless now, and it slashed right through Ben.

Standing in the middle of the room, all Ben could do was watch as Connor slammed the door behind him. The sound thundered though the apartment. Then, he was gone. Ben tried to backpedal through what just happened. Five minutes ago, they had been joking and laughing. Now…

Oh, God.

A scorched smell spread throughout the room and Ben realized it was the chicken. Pulling the pan from the burner, he stared at the charred chicken pieces. They looked absolutely miserable, pretty much the way he felt himself.

As he sat down at the kitchen table trying to think things through, he began rubbing his temples, like he could knead away the betrayal. It took less than a minute to realize he really was an utter fool. Why the hell did he always have to be so fatalistic? Deep down in his gut, he knew Connor wouldn't have done it. _Don't you know me at all, _rang though his head, leaving a startling clarity in its wake. Yes, he did know Connor, and Ben knew he would never deceive him, not like that. Ben had reacted solely on what he had learned in life. People screw you over and leave you.

Getting up, he ran down the stairs on his bare feet and out into the street. His car was gone, and so was Connor. Hurrying back upstairs, he picked up his phone. Once again, Kryptonite shot through the apartment, because Connor's phone was still on the kitchen counter.

Great.

Just fucking great.

Now that he wanted to apologize for being a douche bag, he couldn't because he couldn't reach his boyfriend.

ooOoo

Connor tapped on the door after having spent about fifteen minutes trying to decide if he should knock or not. It seemed pathetic, but he really didn't know what to do now. His heart was in his shoes, his head was pounding and he felt like he had nowhere to turn other than here.

There was a quiet hum of music from inside, along with joyful voices and laughter. He knew he was disturbing, and he really didn't want to, but where else was he supposed to go?

"Connor?" Jess' brows shot up when she opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

He opened his mouth, but he only ended up gaping like a fish. Jess pulled the door open. "Come on in."

Entering the small apartment, Connor looked down. His shoes were soaked and come to think of it, so were all of his clothes. Water was dripping from his hair and running down his forehead. He had driven to the beach, and just sat on the sand while staring out over the ocean for hours when it had started to rain. He hadn't moved or gotten back to Ben's car. He just sat there, staring into the darkness lingering over the ocean.

He was so fucking mad and hurt, and he didn't want to go home. Going back to his own place with Drew there just seemed like a catastrophe waiting to happen, whereas running to Jess every time he couldn't figure out how to handle his life made him look pathetic. The stress of it all was getting to him. He had felt so lonely sitting on the sand, thinking about Ben and the fight. Then his family hijacked his thoughts and he tried to picture his mom, dad, Lucy and Katie and what would happen when they learned about Ben. Would he even have the same relationship with his niece once he came out? He adored Katie and had been part of her life since she was still in her mother's belly. Connor had attended one of the ultrasound appointments simply because he was so happy for Lucy and Jared, and excited about being an uncle. He couldn't wait to meet her once she was born. He was there when she took her first steps. Now there was a nephew on his way. Would Connor miss out on that, too? Would his entire family turn their backs on him? It was so not the time to be fighting with Ben, but Connor couldn't help his anger and disappointment. He needed to talk to a friend.

"You okay?" Jess asked. Connor snapped out of his mulling.

His face scrunched up and he felt like crying. Oh, please. He really didn't need to be reduced to a sniveling boy. "No," he answered and his voice grew thick.

"Let me get you a towel," Jess said. She moved to the other side of the apartment, pulling something out of a closet. Jess' place was small, only one room with a tiny kitchen. The bed was pushed into the corner and was halfway shielded by a bookshelf, creating a makeshift wall. Only then Connor noticed that she wasn't alone.

"Hey, Sarah." He gave a small wave. "… And Isabella." He _knew_ he shouldn't have come. Oh God. This was awkward and a half. Crap.

"Hi, Connor. It's nice to see you again," Sarah said. Isabella looked mostly like she accidentally swallowed her own tongue. She got up from the table and she was sort of awkward with her hands on her swollen belly.

"I think I better go," Isabella murmured. She bit her lip and looked at the turned off TV like it was just the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.

"You don't have to," Jess said as she handed Connor the towel. "We were in the middle of a game. I personally think Mammoth Scrabble kicks some grade A butt. Seriously, are you just trying to make an easy out because I just hit that triple word score?"

"Uhm," Isabella mumbled. She fidgeted with her hands and to Connor it felt like the walls started to cave in on him. How could he make a faster escape than Isabella? This was probably worse than going to his place with Drew there. Here he was trapped with his boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's pregnant girlfriend, and what made it all worse was that he came here to cry on his best friend's shoulder about fighting with his boyfriend.

"Oh, I get it. This is really awkward, isn't it?" Jess asked, just now realizing the predicament they were in.

"That's okay," Isabella said sweetly. She pulled her hair behind her ears. "I'll just call Edward to come and get me."

"Don't worry, I'll leave," Connor hurried to say. He was the one who was crashing their party after all.

Jess looked back and forth torn. She looked up at Connor and her eyes said it all. She knew he needed to talk, but it would be rude to send her guests on the way.

"Jess, it's fine, really. I don't mind. I was tired anyway and my back is kind of aching." Isabella picked up a blue cardigan and held it to her chest.

"I'll take you home, Bella," Sarah offered.

Isabella nodded. She gave Jess a hug before she left. She looked back at Connor with a small gentle smile, like she understood what was racing though his mind. He hated the fight he just had with Ben.

"I'll be back in a while, sweetheart." Sarah kissed Jess' cheek as she passed.

"What's up, and why do you look like a drowned cat?" Jess asked.

Dragging the towel through his hair, he tried to pat the worst of the water from his shirt. He caught Jess watching him. "Yeah, I would lend you a dry shirt, but seeing as Sarah and I both wear a size small, or perhaps a medium on a bad day, that is going to be difficult. Besides, half naked men at my place… that's a novelty."

Connor laughed briefly, but it quickly died on his lips. "I'm sorry I interrupted your game and I'll go soon. I would have called, but I forgot my phone and…" he trailed off, forgetting what the point was.

"Come on, sit down. Tell me what happened?" Jess encouraged.

Sinking down onto the tiny couch, Connor set his elbows to his knees and rubbed his face. "Ben and I got into fight."

"About what?" she carefully asked.

"It's so stupid," Connor said, as he started to explain the whole situation to Jess. Retelling the story didn't make it any better. "I forgot to tell him about Drew. When I remembered it, it seemed too late to tell him. I would just end up hurting him because I hadn't told him in the first place."

A soft hand landed on his shoulder. "Everybody fights, Connor. The couples that say they don't fight are lying. When you spend that much time with someone, there's bound to be friction. It's unavoidable. However, what's important, at least to me, is that you don't go attacking the other's personality or succumb to name-calling. Being good at fighting without causing serious damage to the relationship is difficult. It should be an Olympic discipline, if you ask me." She paused and squeezed Connor's shoulder. "I don't want to judge, but I can see why Ben would be upset about Drew when you didn't tell him what's going on. Just remember to be honest. Will you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Connor said.

"Go home to your man and explain what happened. If he is still pissed off, then beg him to listen to you. It's important." She smiled, but it had a snide edge to it.

Connor narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Because make up sex is _awesome_," she embellished.

Connor chuckled. "I'll remember that. I was just to mad at Ben to go home yet. I know I need to apologize to him." He sighed and leaned his elbows to his knees. "I'm just totally stressed out. I'm going to tell my family about Ben soon."

Jess' brows shot up. "Oh, honey. That's a touchstone and I think it's good for you. I'm here if you need anything, okay? Anything at all," she offered.

Connor took her hand and held on tightly. He needed all the support he could get, he knew that. "Thank you and thank you for letting me come here and snot cry. Next time, I'll call first. I promise. Tell Isabella and Sarah, I'm sorry I ruined your gambling night."

"Nah, no worries." She stepped to her toes and swung her arms around Connor's neck. "Come talk to me any time. That's what I'm here for."

When Connor drove home he was still somewhat angry, but it was under control now.

Unlocking the door, Connor's entry was quiet compared to his loud departure. He wasn't sure what to say or what to do yet, but he hoped it would come to him.

Immediately, he was attacked by a scrumptious sweet smell that made his mouth water. He hadn't had dinner and he was starving, though his appetite had been diminishing lately. Unfortunately, the hollow feeling in his stomach was still there.

Ben was in the kitchen with his back to the door. He was wiping the counter with a dishrag first and then he dried it with a towel. He always did it like that.

"Hi," Connor quietly said. It was all he could come up with at this point.

Ben shot around, with his hand flying up to his chest. "Shit," he spat. There was a hint of a smile on his lips, but it quickly disappeared. "Hi." His eyes were cautious. "You came home."

"Yeah." Connor leaned against the wall with his hands behind his back. He watched as Ben's fingers tighten around the dish towel.

Nervously, Ben wet his lips a few times. "I wasn't sure if you would. It's been hours." He paused and turned off the radio that was crooning softly in the corner. "I have to say this one thing before anything else. If anything happened between you two, I'll forgive you. It's your choice if you want to discuss it or not, but I won't bring it up again." Ben's tone was quiet and apologetic. He put the dishtowel aside and rubbed his forehead with his long fingers.

The movement was distracting. Connor loved those hands and the face behind the hand. Tentatively, he took a couple of steps forward letting words come to him slowly. Ben stood unmoving at the kitchen counter, trying to look brave it seemed.

"You would let it go, just like that, if I did something that despicable? You would sweep it under the rug if I hooked up with somebody else?" Connor asked and his brows furrowed. "That seems—"

"Desperate? I know," Ben finished. "That's not far from how I'm feeling right now." Those pretty brown eyes were raw with unspoken anxiety.

"I wasn't going to say desperate." He paused, words flooding his mind. "Risky, maybe. If we just pretended that something like that didn't happen, it would come between us and become a ticking bomb in our relationship. I want us to be able to talk about problems that we may have… in the future. It's like I told you when we were up in Big Bear, I want a healthy and strong relationship with my partner. I want to be open and honest with you, Ben."

Ben's gaze shifted, confusion radiated from his eyes. "Then why didn't you tell me about Drew? Why wouldn't you answer my question?"

"It was stupid of me," Connor shrugged embarrassed. "I should have stayed and talked, but then again, all of this is new to me. I know nothing about relationships. I've never been in love before. I needed to clear my head and not feel so… betrayed. I was hurt that you didn't just _know _I didn't do anything. I expected you to know I'm not that guy."

Ben's eyes skipped to the side, and he looked thoughtful for a second. He had a small sympathetic smile at the corner of his mouth as he started to move forward. Gently, he put his good hand on Connor's chest. This was another thing Connor loved - Ben's touch. It was always gentle and soft. Even when he was being playful, he was tender and kind. He wasn't like other men, who were thoughtless and careless. No, Ben was someone so very special, a man whose emotions you could feel when he touched you. "I do know, honey. I know you're not that kind of man. Perhaps that was why I could easily forgive you, because I know I will never actually have to."

Lacing his fingers into Ben's, Connor smirked. "I do stupid stuff all the time that needs forgiveness. Look at what I just did."

"Yeah, well, that's nothing. I trust you," Ben solemnly said.

Connor took a deep breath and when he spoke his tone was sober. Ben deserved to know, just like he had since the very night Connor had offered Drew his keys. "Drew's life has a tendency to be messy. He bounces back on his feet fairly quickly. Since he's my friend, I offered him to stay at my place when he hit a rough patch. I'm not using it anyway."

"How long has he been staying there?"

Now this was the humdinger. Connor's face scrunched up, but he wasn't going to tiptoe around the subject anymore. "For about four weeks. I met him at a bar the night before your birthday. I was waiting for Jess and he showed up. He… made a pass at me, but I told him not to hit on me ever again. He's been at my apartment only once when I went back and we played my X-box for an hour or so. Then he left."

"Wednesday night at the football game?" Ben prompted.

"He was there the week before last, but it's been ages, maybe six months, since he played with us the last time."

Ben nodded and he looked somewhat uncomfortable. He took a deep breath. "I guess I'm the one who needs to trust myself. I'm so sorry that I accused you of cheating."

Connor understood that this was as much the issue as his little secret. You would never know by looking at Ben that he was insecure. The way he carried himself, the way he spoke, and how he always read other people so well efficiently hid the truth. However, Connor was starting to learn that beneath that confident exterior lay a vulnerable and emotionally exposed man. Sometimes, he forgot to consider what was hidden to the naked eye. Ben wasn't as untouchable as he seemed, far from it.

Connor leaned forward and kissed Ben. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have known better and told you about Drew." As he peeked behind Ben's shoulder, he suddenly understood the delectable smell filling the apartment. "What's that?"

"My peace offering." Ben pulled back and smiled. His eyes were soft, almost glowing with happiness now.

"Your pound of flesh, huh, or should I say sugar?" Connor moved to the counter and stared down at all the small multi-colored plain M&M's spelling out 'I'M SORRY'. They were set into some kind of chocolate icing.

"It's really childish, I know, but it was all I had." Ben shrugged and his gaze was a little wary.

Connor laughed. "It's really cute in a teenage girl kind of way, but it does prove how well you know me. As an apology, you choose to feed me. Now that speaks volume." He threw his arms around Ben's waist and burrowed his face into the hollow space at his throat. He inhaled, letting Ben's sweet scent travel all the way deep into his lungs. "Just so you know, I hate fighting with you. I say we wait quite a while before we do it again."

Ben hooked his good arm around Connor's neck. "Agreed."

After releasing his hold on Ben and digging two forks out of the drawer, Connor turned toward Ben and his brows shot up. "How did you manage to make this?" he asked as he picked up the plate with the cake.

"Lucky me, I never thought the skill of cracking an egg with one hand would come in handy. Nah, I had the sad woman from next door do all the heavy lifting, so to speak. I think I need to ask her for help more often. She seemed so happy I did and she's a mean pastry chef."

"_You_ asked for help. I'm impressed." Connor's tone was teasing, but also a little awed.

Ben rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." He gestured to the cupboard. "Plates?"

Connor walked out of the kitchen with the cake and the forks in his hands. "Unnecessary," he answered. "I plan on eating the whole thing."

Ben followed into the living room, chuckling. "That's disgusting."

"I know, but that's not going to stop me. Now get over here, get comfortable and we're going to eat ourselves into a coma with this very cute peace offering of yours. I must hand it to you though, you do know the way to a man's heart."

Ben settled on the couch and leaned into Connor. He sighed. "I _do_ like men."

"Yeah, me too. We're pretty awesome..." He held up a forkful of cake offering it to Ben. He took it, wrapping his lips around the fork. Connor's exhale became a little shaky while staring at Ben mouth. "…And so sexy. You know what Jess told me the most important thing about fighting was?"

"Jess?" Ben asked. "She knows we were fighting?"

"Oh, honey, Jess knows pretty much everything about us and I needed to vent. Besides, she's the one who convinced me to come home and talk to you because if it was up to me, I'd have been so stupid and stayed away all night. Now where would that have left us?"

Ben shrugged and the answer was written all over his face. That wouldn't have been good.

"My way would have been a waste of emotion and not to mention this cake. This is awesome." Connor licked the fork and chuckled. "From the very beginning, Jess was the one who told me to ask you out, she was the one just as excited as I was about our first date, and she was the one who advised me to open up and tell you that I love you. She's been my backbone from the get-go."

"Remind me to thank her later," Ben murmured. "So what did she say the most important thing about fighting was?"

Connor pursed his lips and his eyes twinkled. "Make-up sex. You do realize we're going to bed once we finish this, right?"

Ben let out a soft moan, shifting in his seat. "How about we finish half and save the rest for later?"

"Deal," Connor agreed. "Do you want to know the worst part of my night?"

Ben frowned as he scooped up a bit of the icing on his finger and sucked it off. "If it wasn't the fighting, then it must have been a real low point."

"Isabella was at Jess' when I barged in practically crying like a girl."

"Oh wow!" Ben burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. "That really sucks. I'm so sorry I'm laughing, honey, but that's just…"

"I know," Connor sighed and set the cake aside. His hands moved to Ben's button down, slowly opening it. He couldn't wait any longer.

This was the first time since the accident that they went to bed with a different motive than sleeping. It wasn't that the passion had died out between them, more that Connor's head was somewhere else entirely and Ben hadn't really been in the mood. It had been so long since they had both been in that same place.

"Admiring your own handiwork?" Ben murmured when Connor slipped his hand into his pants. They had moved to the bedroom and Ben was sprawled on his back on the bed.

"Hmm, I have been rather thorough," he murmured, sliding his fingers in between Ben's legs, feeling his way around. Helping Ben out that morning had been fun, and possibly a part of their foreplay. "Lift your ass. I want to get you naked." Connor peeled Ben's clothes off, before he removed his own. Straddling Ben's waist, this was the best part of it all for Connor—Ben's warm skin against the inside of his thighs. He loved the feeling of being hard and exposed against each other.

Sex had changed for Connor. It wasn't a means to an end or just the need to get off anymore. It was all about the connection with Ben. Up until now, he had never grasped how deep that bond could be, because he had never been to bed with someone he loved. That was what changed it all. The trust and emotions between them was something he lacked the words to describe.

Connor would always remember the first time they made love. He had been so nervous and insecure about the whole thing, because Ben clearly had far more experience than him. What if he wasn't good enough, what if Ben would think he was dull and average? All he could think that day was to be _slow_, and he needed to take his time. Things hadn't been boring at all. As Connor had pushed his nerves to the back of his mind, he had been so caught up in the moment, in Ben, in their connection and how right everything felt. It had turned into the best sexual experience of his life. Since then, it had only gotten better.

Ben's cast scraped his shoulder, rough and uncompromising. Connor winced and Ben's face pinched with pain. Once again, Ben tried to maneuver around and frustration started to radiate off his body. Connor palmed his face.

"Baby, just lie back." He leaned down and slid his tongue into Ben's mouth. He could feel the kiss was welcomed and wanted. Connor sat back and reached for the lube. He squirted some into his hand. Reaching down, he gently spread it across Ben's hard flesh and back along the highway of heaven. Ben's breathing changed slow and deep. "Relax, okay. I'll take care of us both."

Ben's damaged arm stilled along his side and the tension eased from his body. "I missed you… so much."

Gripping Ben, his skin was slick beneath his fingers. God, how he loved when there was no resistance, only the glossy feeling against his palm as he stroked, played, and teased the sensitive head and then down. He loved how Ben couldn't even keep his eyes open he touched him. What a privilege.

"I love you," Ben half moaned half murmured. "I love you so much, Connor. Oh, it feels so good."

Gently, Connor dragged his tongue along the shell of Ben's ear. "I love you, too" he whispered. This was what they did so well. The slipping and sliding and grinding and gyrating left them breathless and almost euphoric. When pre-cum landed on Connor's hand, he brought it to his mouth and sucked it off. He loved the taste of Ben in his mouth.

He had it all committed to memory, but he never took anything for granted and every time was special. Connor would let Ben watch him stroke himself, because he knew it turned him on. When Connor moved inside of him, Ben was always painfully hard and lost to the world around him. He wasn't afraid of giving in to the sensation. It was a powerful aphrodisiac knowing these little secrets, and knowing what they did so well together was because they loved each other.

All the anger had drained from Connor's body and he was relaxed to the point where he felt like mush. He rolled to his side leaning his head into his hand. Lightly, he ran his fingers across Ben's sweaty chest.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"What I'm thinking might scare you." He paused, dragging the tip of his tongue across his lower lip. "What would you say if I asked you to move in with me? I mean, I know it's not possible right now. I was just thinking out loud," he excused. "I'm rambling-"

Gently, Connor placed a finger across Ben's lips. "I like that idea. Come to think of it, it wouldn't make that much of a difference from how things are now. I'm always here. I have my own key. I drive your car. I pretty much have all my clothes here. What I like the most though, is that you're taking the initiative to ask." He lay down, hugging his pillow under his head. They were naked, flush against each other with their legs were tangled. "I was thinking something else. I'm done stalling. I'm going to tell my family this weekend and I want to do it face to face."

"Oh, Connor," Ben murmured and wrapped his good arm around Connor's neck, letting their foreheads meet. "I love you, I'm proud of you and I will be with you every second if that's what you need."

Connor nodded and took a slow deep breath. "Let's deal with my family first, and then we can talk living arrangements." As he looked up at the ceiling, something had changed inside of him. He felt something different. It was excitement wrapped up in concern. He wanted out, he wanted to be open and honest and now he was ready. He was willing to pay the price of coming out. "Game on," he whispered. His life was about to change—irrevocably.

oooooOOOOooooo

**First fight. We've all been through that. I'd love to hear your stories.**

**Working on a chapter that is kicking my ass, because it's unbelievable hard to write and I'm sure you can guess what I'm talking about. LOL.**

**Huge thanks to my lovely readers and warm needy hugs to Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and DazzledEyes22 for your awesomeness.**

**See you soon**


	20. Out

**Out**

Connor tried his best to keep from shaking, but it wasn't an easy task. His stomach was upset from when he tried to force down the lunch Ben made. Connor had no doubt that he was doing this. He was one hundred and ten percent sure that it was time to stop living in the shadows. Ben didn't deserve that, nor did he want it for himself anymore. He wanted to be free of this cage, and free to just be. However, he wasn't sure how he was going to deal with the price of facing up to his family. It would be devastating to lose the bond he shared with his sister. What he hoped for more than anything was that perhaps she would understand and stand in his corner when tomorrow came.

Connor didn't knock, but went straight in to the house. It was quiet, except for a radio crooning softly from somewhere.

"Anybody home?" he called.

"Hey. Not so loud. I just put Katie down for her nap," Lucy said as she came down the stairs.

Connor smiled nervously as he tried to calm his breath. "Sorry."

Lucy gave him a puzzled look before Jared interrupted. "I thought I heard you. Long time no see," he said and gave Connor a brief hug.

That was true. He hadn't been around much lately, not like he used to. He used to go to his sister's house at least once a week, not really doing anything other than talk for a while or play with Katie. Lately, since the noose had been tightening around his neck and his relationship with Ben had evolved, he hadn't felt much like visiting. It was simply too hard to keep lying to his sister about what he did and where he spent most of his time.

"Can we talk?" he asked and his voice quivered, instantly betraying him.

"Sure," Lucy warily answered. "Let me fix us some drinks."

Connor nodded and cut his eyes to Jared. His gaze was strange, knowing, yet compassionate.

They sat down outside in the small courtyard Lucy had transformed to a small oasis. It was cozy and calming with the vague fragrance of flowers surrounding them. Jared didn't say anything, though Connor desperately hoped that he would fill the silence with chatter, because he was pulling a complete blank. His hands were shaking and he swallowed hard, pushing bile back down. He was so close to throwing up.

Lucy set the drinks down, but Connor didn't touch his. He couldn't. It was better to do this on an empty stomach. Lucy's eyes were speculative when she sat down next to him. Even if he lost his nerve now, he was out if time, because Lucy would drag the truth out of him before he left today. He knew that and he would let her in case he chickened out.

At that very moment, he wondered why the hell he had chosen to do this alone. Everything was so much easier when he was with Ben. Ben had offered to go with him, but ultimately left it up to Connor to decide how to proceed. So now, having chosen to do this alone felt… he had no word to describe how he torn up he was inside. Connor felt raw and weak. So many people had gone through this. Was he the only one struggling this much?

"Connor, you're trembling," Lucy said. She took his hand and her eyes were filled with worry. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." He looked at Jared for a moment. How did you carry on this kind of conversation? Should he ask to talk to Lucy alone? What would be easiest on her? No, not really. She had been with Jared for a decade and Connor was pretty sure that in life altering situations they would prefer to be together.

When his nerves ended up making Connor feel like he was too close to the flames of Hades, he thought about Ben, the sweet, wonderful, and patient man he was so lucky to be with. He had to do this if not for himself, then for Ben. He knew it was unwise to disregard himself like that. Would he want to lead a half-life forever? Since he met Ben, he had often been envious of the fact he was out and wasn't living in the shadows. If he hadn't met Ben, would he start to find random men in the dead of night for a semblance of company? Would he want to treat his sexuality like it was seedy and illicit business? Would he refuse to be honest with himself and go on pretending he fit into the norm his family had set up for him? That society itself had set up for him?

Connor knew the answer to that. Now that he had gotten the taste of having something real with Ben, life was too sweet to cover it up. Ben was much too important for that. Connor could only claim the future that he had in mind by daring to be that honest. Too bad it probably came at the expense of his relationships with the people who had been there for him all of his life. However, there was a slight chance that they could accept that he was gay, right? If that was so, then he could have it all. He could keep his family, he could love Ben out in the open and, most importantly, he could be honest with himself. After Connor looked at the equation again, he realized this wasn't just for Ben, but for himself as well as his own future _with_ Ben.

So Connor did what he does best once his mind was made up. He dove in head first, but not before he tried to get his breathing under control.

"Lucy, I want to tell you why I've been so distant lately. I want you to let me finish, okay?" Lucy nodded slowly. Taking a deep breath, Connor jumped in. "I've been keeping a lot of secrets lately-"

"You _are_ seeing someone," Lucy interrupted, before she bashfully pressed her lips together. It was the kind of news that made her day. Well, perhaps her joy was a bit premature.

"Do you remember a conversation we had about six months ago? It was at Mom and Dad's. You said I never trusted you and you called me out on having secrets." Connor waited as her face turned pensive. He had never forgotten that night. It was after his first date with Ben.

"Oh, I remember. It was the night we told you we were pregnant again." Her hand went to her stomach and gave it a light pat. Then she frowned and inclined her head. "You have a girlfriend!"

Connor took the bait that she left out there. "Well, sort of," he admitted. Well, that was almost true. Now there was just the tricky part left—the details of _whom _he was dating. "I've have been seeing someone for a while. It's a part of what I need to talk to you about." His eyes cut to Jared, who just sat stealthily on the other side of the table with a shrewd look in his eyes. Connor didn't have the patience to decipher it right now, so he refocused on Lucy. Her eyes were lit with excitement.

"That is great!" she enthused. "It's wonderful."

"Not so fast, sis. You need to let me finish." Closing his eyes a little longer than it took to blink, Connor tried to will his body to calm down. It didn't work. His ears were ringing with heat like someone had bitch-slapped him and he had nervous sweat popping out all over his body. His fingers felt slippery around Lucy's. "Do you remember my friend Ben?"

She nodded and her eyes darted to Jared's like he suddenly had all the answers. She was clearly confused. "Of course."

Once again, Connor took a deep breath. His heart was beating so hard that it felt like an elephant was stomping on his chest. "Lucy, he's not just my friend. He's so much more than that." Connor let that sit there for a moment. It was clear she wasn't getting it by the way she frowned. "He's the one I've been seeing," he clarified. There, that did it right?

Lucy opened and closed her mouth about ten times, much like a fish sitting in a tank. Her free hand absentmindedly stroked the growing swell of her stomach. "That makes absolutely no sense, Connor?"

"I think you need to _listen_ to your brother, honey." Jared spoke up for the first time. When Connor's eyes escaped to Jared's, he understood that _look_ in his eyes. Fucking hell!

A humorless chuckle escaped Connor's throat and he felt a bit like the joke was on him. "You know?"

Briefly, Jared nodded and then he smiled. "Don't worry about me right now, okay?" A knot dissolved in Connor's gut when Jared didn't look affronted or like it was really that big of a bomb that he was dropping. There really was a chance things weren't going to explode in his face.

"What are you talking about?" Lucy asked, frustrated. "What does this have to do with Ben? With all due respect, I know he's, uh… different. You realize that, right?"

Connor wanted to burst into laughter. How sad was this? His sister couldn't even say the word _gay_. His smile was indulgent, but he feared it didn't reach his eyes. "I am aware of that fact, Lucy. What I'm trying to tell you is that… I'm just like Ben. Different… hmm, no not different-" He paused when he realized he was treading water. That was just semantics, and there was no reason to start that now, so he decided to call a spade a spade and use plain English. "I'm gay, Lucy. Ben is my boyfriend and he's the one I've been seeing." He was sweating like a pig, but once the words were out, it was… not over. Unfortunately.

Lucy sat frozen, staring at Connor completely stunned for ten impressively long seconds. "You can't be. You're not that kind of person." She swallowed and her eyes brimmed with tears. "It's not who you are!" Her tone was neither weak nor convinced. She sounded a little scary as she spoke.

Connor gave her hand another squeeze. He knew this wasn't going to be easy on his sister. He never wanted to hurt her, but this wasn't some misstep he had taken. It was who he was and she needed to accept that.

"It _is_ who I am. I've been with Ben for the past five months. More importantly, I love him."

Lucy gawked, like she was staring at stars a million miles away. Then she pulled her hand from his. That simple move spoke volumes and it hurt. It burned all the way into his bones. She wiped her face clean from the falling tears. "Why?" she blurted. "You're supposed to be a husband, a father someday… not… this. You can't want this. I mean, I have nothing against Ben. I'm sure he's a nice person, but why would you give up on a future?"

"I'm not dying. I'm gay." Connor almost chuckled, but the look in Lucy's eyes killed the outburst.

"Is this a joke to you?" she snapped.

"No, not at all, Lucy." His life in the closet was certainly no joke. To get his point across once and for all, there was one very simple way of explaining things so that Lucy would understand exactly what Ben meant to him. "I'm not giving up my on future. It may not be what _you_ pictured it to be, but what I'm aiming for is exactly what _I_ want. Lucy, Ben is my Jared."

Her eyes flashed to his with understanding, surprise and _hurt_. Now, she really got it. Lucy always talked about Jared and how they were destined to be together, just like Connor knew that Ben was it for him. He was the safe haven he always wanted and now he had him.

"Do Mom and Dad know?" Her voice sounded dry and rusty.

"No. That's why I'm here today. Ben is coming with me tomorrow and we're going to tell them. I was hoping you would be there for me tomorrow."

Lucy was quiet, staring down at her belly. She sniffled. "I don't know if I can do that. I don't know… I don't… It's not right. I don't understand. When did this happen?"

"It's not something that just happened or one day I simply changed." Connor's throat started to cramp and he couldn't bear to watch Lucy cry like this. He hated when she cried. "I don't want to hide anymore." When he said it that, he realized all the weight he'd been carrying around and how heavy the load of hiding all his feelings behind a smile had been. The charade he had been playing stung like nails being driven through his body. "Please, Lucy. I don't want to lose you."

She didn't answer, but stared down at her stomach. "It's wrong."

Connor narrowed his eyes and resentment ran through his veins. Why did she have to be so stubborn? "What is so wrong about who I'm in love with?"

Lucy suddenly looked more uncomfortable than sad. "Uhm, it's supposed to be a man and woman, not man and… you know what I mean."

Suddenly, Connor had the urge to play dumb, because he knew what his sister was getting at. He wished desperately that she would be more open-minded, but he knew she wouldn't and it would only be worse with his parents tomorrow.

"Will you be there for me?" Connor softly asked. "Tomorrow? I need you."

"I will." It wasn't Lucy who answered. How could he put into words what it meant to have just one person at his side that wouldn't be labeled as the enemy? Now that Lucy clearly couldn't handle it, he was ready to fall to his knees and thank Jared. The support came so unexpectedly, but that didn't mean it was unappreciated.

"Thank you," Connor gratefully murmured.

Jared only nodded, before he looked back at Lucy. His eyes were mournful and sad. It wasn't difficult to tell that Jared knew hard times were coming.

"I need a moment." With her head lowered, Lucy fled the garden like she had to run over hot coals to enter the house. Connor stared after her, and then he bit back the tears that were coming. He really didn't want to cry. He never cried.

Connor leaned his elbows to his knees, feeling like his lungs were about to collapse as he exhaled.

"That went about as bad as I feared."

"Give her some time, Connor. I'm sure she will come around. If not, I'll make sure she does. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of you." He took a slug of his beer and held it out. "Do you want one of these? Or something stronger, perhaps?"

Connor shook his head. "No, thanks."

"I can never get you to drink a beer, can I?" Jared's tone was light, almost teasing.

Connor chuckled. "Nope. I never was a drinking man."

"Good for you." Jared slouched down in the chair. "I'm sorry Lucy took it so hard. I can't imagine that's what you need right now."

Rolling his neck, Connor slumped back against the couch. "When did you find out?"

"I've always suspected that you were gay. I can't explain why and there's no specific reason for it, but I've always had this hunch. When you brought Ben to the baseball game, I instantly knew that you two weren't just friends. Then the accident happened and I saw you two together at the hospital. I never said anything to Lucy. I must have thought about asking you a million times, but that didn't seem right either."

"If you had asked, I would have denied it," Connor deadpanned. As he looked at Jared, he felt exhausted and completely worn out. "How do you feel about it?"

"It makes no difference to me." Jared paused. His gaze turned unfocused for a split second. "When I just started high school, a boy was outed by a bunch of idiots. They bullied him, called him names, and stole his gym clothes, that sort of thing. They made his life a living hell. He was sixteen years old when he gassed himself in his parent's garage. I remember how I felt that day sitting in the auditorium listening to the principal explaining what had happened. No one was held responsible for his death. Personally, I was livid and I felt like I was to blame for his suicide. I knew what was going on and I could have done something, or told somebody about what was happening. We all could. The entire student body knew he was being tortured and none of us did anything." Jared took another slug of his beer. "I never told anyone that story, not even my wife. I'll talk to her, Connor. I hope I can help _you_ by making her understand."

Connor was too moved to speak. If he did, tears would fall. They sat quietly as Jared finished his beer. All he could think was that he wanted to go home. I wanted to have Ben's arms around him. He didn't want to be like that kid in his parents' garage. As mean and uncaring as it sounded, right now, he didn't want to hear about that story, but he understood why Jared told it. It was obvious. Connor would be Jared's penance, his atonement.

Connor fished out his phone and typed out a text. He looked at Jared. "I just sent Ben's address to you. I pretty much live there and please tell Lucy she is welcome to stop by any time she wants. I'm going to give her some time to think and let her lick her wounds." The thought that perhaps Lucy would never stop by was unwelcome. "I'm going to take off now."

"I understand," Jared said as he stood. "Let me know if there's anything I can do. I will be at Peter and Charlotte's tomorrow. That is if you want me to?"

Connor nodded.

"Do you want to say goodbye to Lucy?"

Beneath all that happened in the past half-hour, left Connor feeling betrayed. He was hurt and needed to lick his wounds. For the first time in his life, he didn't feel like talking to his sister. "Nah, not right now." His ears were ringing again and suddenly the small oasis seemed suffocating. He needed air. He needed Ben.

oooooOOOOooooo

Lucy stood in the library, repeatedly running her hands over her swollen midsection. This was not happening. The talk with Connor out in the garden seemed surreal. She didn't understand why he was claiming to be gay. Her brother wasn't gay. He wasn't that type of guy. Lucy hadn't known many people that were gay, so her knowledge was marginal. What she did know was that Connor wasn't one of them.

Besides that, the idea of men who were attracted to other men had her stomach upset. It was unnatural and just… weird.

She had been staring out the window watching her husband and brother talk. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but she knew how Jared would handle this, which was far better than her. She loved Connor. He was her sweet little brother who was taller than her from the age of eight. He had always protected her when she was picked on at school. He had always had her back. As much as she wished to have his back now, she just couldn't, not with something so profoundly unnatural. Once again, the image of Benjamin, the man she had met on one occasion and then seen when he was in a coma, popped into her head. It was wrong and twisted. The things men would have to do to be… lovers. It unnerved her. Perhaps it was Ben who had done this to her brother, because he hadn't always been a deviant, right? He couldn't have been, not right under their noses.

She let out a humorless chuckle much like the one Connor had used. Maybe it was because he was right under their noses, that they hadn't seen the forest for all the trees. Lucy thought of the conversation Connor had mentioned. She had been pushing him on dating and he had gotten short with her as he always did. Had he tried to tell her back then? Had he ever tried to tell her? Would she have listened?

Staring at Connor through the window, she couldn't help the feeling of profound loss. She had only one brother, and she adored him, but why would he go against his family like this? Didn't he love them? That was when she realized that she didn't know Connor at all. How could he have lead her on and not told her about this when he first knew?

It was all too much to bear. Why? Why couldn't he just deny it and find a lovely woman to marry. Any woman would be lucky to have him. Connor was loving and caring. She had no doubt about that. He would be a wonderful father. He wanted to be a dad. He had said it so many times and it was clear from the way he loved Katie. Why would he throw that chance away?

None of it made any sense.

Her gaze shifted back to the window. Connor got up while wiping his palms on his jeans. Lucy watched as Jared hugged him, and then he said something that made her brother smile. That was the last she saw of Connor, before the front door opened and closed.

It didn't take long before she wasn't alone anymore. She could feel Jared's presence in the room, and his cologne suddenly lingered in the air all around her.

"I'm a horrible person," she whispered and her voice broke. A new set of tears ran down her cheeks.

Jared moved forward and it did help a little when she felt his hands curl around her stomach. He hugged her from behind. "No, you're not." His voice was soft and amicable.

"Why is this happening, Jared?" Lucy wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Perhaps you shouldn't think about this as a tragedy, because it's not. I hope you can find it in you to be proud of Connor. He stood up for the person he is, just like your parents have always taught you. He has a right to live the life that makes him happy and I believe for the first time in a long while that he's going to be happy. Well, once this blows over. I hope you can find it in yourself to support him. That's all he's asking."

"I think what he is doing is wrong. How can I support that?" Lucy asked.

"Why is it wrong to be who you are? He's not hurting anybody. It's his life," Jared softly answered. Lucy liked the scruff feeling of his chin against her shoulder when he leaned down.

"He's hurting me," she whispered as she choked on a new set of tears. "Doesn't that count? He's breaking my heart with this choice of his." She felt so helpless, because she knew this wasn't a matter where she could just march out and convince Connor otherwise.

"Honey, it's not a choice for him. It's who he is and he has every right to live his life as he sees fit. He's a grown man."

"Why are you taking his side?" she sniffled. She turned around and created a little space between them. She felt betrayed on some level. She wasn't sure how deep it went yet.

"I'm not taking anybody's side. I understand him and I hope to help you understand. I know it's not easy, but I love you and I love your brother. You're my family and I'll do anything I can so you won't be torn apart. No good can ever come of that."

Lucy thought for a moment, and then she realized what had been nagging her like an unsolved mystery. "You knew about this, didn't you?" Her tone wasn't as soft anymore, but it had an edge of bitterness to it.

"Yes, I did," Jared answered honestly.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have wanted to know this."

"First of all, I never knew for sure. He never told me or admitted anything to me. Secondly, it's not my story to tell." Jared paused. Lucy noticed the look in his eyes. He wasn't going to keep kicking the hornet's nest and the subject would be changed. He would be nice and agreeable, because he didn't want for her to be upset. "Let me fix you something to eat and then you can take a nap. I'll take Katie to the park when she wakes up. What are you in the mood for?"

So for now, Lucy let him. It was easier to ignore what happened and pretend for a little while that the world still made sense. Deep down, though, her world had flipped on its axis. "In other words, what do I think I can keep down?" she played along.

Jared chuckled. "Yeah,"

"Some fruit, maybe."

oooooOOOOooooo

Ben was sitting on pins and needles. The minutes seemed endless. Connor had been gone for almost two hours now. He hadn't bothered to turn the TV on, or pretend to do anything. He just sat on the couch with his legs crossed underneath him, waiting for Connor to come home. He wished with every cell of his body that things with Lucy and Jared went well, but he was preparing himself for any scenario at this point. Never in a million years would he want to see Connor in any kind of pain, but it was out of his hands. He hoped desperately that he hadn't forced Connor to do anything that he wasn't ready for, but there really was no telling. He would be lying if he denied that he was looking forward to a life where he could be with his boyfriend out in the open, but he was hoping that that prospect hadn't tricked Connor into doing this too soon.

As soon as the entrance door to the building slammed, Ben was on his feet. He could hear sluggish footsteps out in the hall and then the key was inserted into the lock. His heart was running like a wild, untamed animal in his chest, but all Ben wanted was to be there for Connor and hope that he could be what he needed.

Ben thought he was prepared for whatever was coming. He really did, but the look on Connor's face as he closed the door behind him was unbearable. Oh, no!

Ben watched as Connor leaned against the door, and slumped down to the floor. He didn't say anything, just gave into the wracking sobs that shook his whole body.

Crouching down in front of him, Ben weaved his fingers into Connor's hair and tried to pull him into an embrace. Connor didn't come. He didn't even move. He just sat there crying, like his entire world had imploded and torn his insides to shreds.

"I'm so sorry, honey," Ben softly said.

Connor started banging his head against the door. Ben tried to stop him, but it was fruitless. Connor was much stronger, and he was lost, utterly lost. When he finally did accept the embrace Ben offered, it was so tight it felt like his bones were being rearranged.

"It's going to be okay. I love you." Ben tried to soothe, but in reality he didn't really know what to say. He had been in this situation, and still he couldn't find the right words to comfort Connor. "What do you need?"

Connor looked up. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was flushed from crying. He gripped his hair painfully tight.

"Let's get you up?" Ben said, holding on to Connor's arm to give him some leverage. Like an old man, he got to his feet, staggering for a moment. Ben didn't see the fit of rage coming, until Connor's fist rammed straight through the door to Ben's office. Grunts of pain shot through the hall as Connor roared with frustration.

Ben wrapped his arms, cast and all, around Connor's torso without caring that his broken bones were screaming with pain. Using all of his strength, Ben tried to hold him in place, hoping to soothe him, to ground him, and to let him know that it was okay. He didn't care about the door. All he cared about was Connor and getting him through this.

Once Connor realized what he had done, he relaxed in Ben's arms and sagged against him. He sobbed. "I'm so tired," he mumbled.

"I know, baby." Ben wiped his face clean of tears much like Connor had done for him, when he had broken down before. He regarded him silently for a moment. "I can draw you a bath?"

Slowly, Connor nodded. "That sounds nice."

Once the tub was filled and Connor has submerged himself in the water, he began to talk. Ben sat on the edge listening as Connor explained everything that had happened. Honestly, Ben wasn't surprised by the outcome. He had expected Lucy to be affronted, and that Jared would be more understanding.

"What about tomorrow?" Ben asked.

Chasing the bubbles floating on the surface, Connor answered. "The train has left the station. It's too late to stop." He looked up. "I don't want to stop, Ben. I need to do this. No matter how much it hurts."

Ben grasped his chin tenderly. "I'm so very proud of you. I'm glad you're doing the right thing for you." He paused. "Can I get you anything to eat?"

Connor sighed. "I'm not hungry."

That revelation didn't sit well with Ben. Connor was always hungry, or at least he could always snack. So when he didn't have an appetite that was when things became a little scary. Ben chose not to comment.

"Is there anything else you need?" Ben kept his tone soft. He took Connor's hand and kissed his bruised knuckles. The skin was swelling and littered with small scrapes.

"Are you propositioning me?" Connor's smile was weak and it quickly faded.

"Perhaps. My body is yours if you're in the mood. If you want to cuddle, we cuddle. If you want to fuck me and you feel the need to be rough, then be rough. It's up to you, baby."

"As tempting as that sounds, I think I need to sleep." Connor leaned forward and put his head down on his kneecaps. Ben didn't appreciate the lethargic look in his eyes.

"Then we take a nap," Ben simply answered. It didn't matter to him what they did, as long as it was exactly what Connor needed.

"I wouldn't mind a rain check on the sex, though," Connor said as he stood with sudsy water running down his body. He grabbed the towel Ben was holding out and started to dry himself off.

"Granted," Ben answered and smiled.

As they went to bed, though it was in the middle of the day, Connor willingly slipped into the embrace that Ben offered. Tightening his arms around Connor's shoulders, Ben tried to avoid bruising him with the cast. It was clear as day Connor needed this closeness. It worked like magic and he fell asleep within minutes. Ben kept stroking his back, hoping to make him relax and to know that he wasn't all alone in the world. As time passed, Ben's lids grew heavy and he dozed off too.

"I think I will take that rain check now." Connor's voice woke Ben. He tried to stretch, but mostly he was pinned by Connor's weight. Small and soft kisses rained down on his neck and chest.

Ben smiled with his eyes closed. "Rough?" he asked when he felt his body coming alive.

"No," Connor whispered against his stomach. He moved north again. "Rough will keep for another day. I want something real. Something earth-shattering." He had straddled Ben's hip, grinding himself against Ben's hard-on. Ben moaned, but was still a little uncertain as to what it was that Connor wanted. Ben watched as his boyfriend coated himself at the backdoor and then it hit home. The blood started singing in his veins.

"Go slow, baby." Ben propped up on his good elbow, so his face was close to Connor's. "Take all that you need."

"That's what I was planning on," he answered, as his cheeks flushed and eyes both vulnerable and alight with need.

The pace was slow and teasing, as Connor experimented. His moan was so gentle and unrehearsed as Ben slipped past his entrance. Unhurried, he began to take Ben in, only to pull back again. Every time he started over again, Connor went about a half inch deeper.

"You're making me see stars, honey." Ben's voice was weak, yielding to the relentless teasing, but he didn't do anything. He let Connor set whatever pace he needed. He was so sexy sitting astride him, testing his own limits and setting the rhythm.

Connor lay down so they were chest against chest, riding Ben slowly. Now that everything in the world around them was so uncertain, this was the one place where they were untouchable. Everything felt right and uncomplicated when they were in bed.

ooOoo

Later that day when Ben was going through his emails, he couldn't stop watching the hole that had been punched in the door. He had never witnessed Connor being anything close to violent before, but he understood his frustration. He sent an email to the janitor explaining he needed a new door and that he would pay the expenses.

Ben moseyed into the kitchen, turning the music on as he went. It was too quiet at the moment. He picked some ham and cheese from the fridge and set about making a sandwich. The day had been chaotic and emotions had reached a peak from which the only way to go was down.

Connor was sleeping again. He had dozed off almost immediately after they had finished making love. Ben couldn't sleep. As he was pondering what his next move should be, someone knocked on the front door.

He left the bread on the counter, but he wasn't sure if he was in the mood to talk to anyone. They needed their little bubble to deal with all that was happening. Besides, they weren't expecting anyone.

"Hi." The look in Jared's eyes was apprehensive. Katie, who was perched on his arm, wiggled and clapped her hands as she beamed.

Ben couldn't help smiling at her enthusiasm. "Hey there, princess. Do you still remember my name?" She pressed her cheek against Jared's neck hiding her face. She giggled and blushed a little. "Hey," Ben finally answered Jared.

"I hope it's all right I stopped by. Connor gave me your address and told me this was where I could find him." He peeled a few stands of Katie's hair away from his mouth. He tried to smile, but it was awkward.

Ben wasn't sure how he should feel about the surprise visit, but from what Connor had said, Jared wasn't the one they should worry about.

"It's fine," Ben answered and opened the door. He hoped his hair wasn't a rat's nest or that he didn't look as rumbled as he felt.

"You went to UCLA?" Jared asked and set Katie down. She patted into the living room, without even looking back. Ben followed her, but turned for the kitchen.

Okay, forget the hair, his outfit was the sore thumb. He glanced down at the shirt he had pulled on. He liked wearing something that smelled like Connor. "Uh, no." He chose not to elaborate, because Jared would undeniably figure out that it wasn't his college shirt. "I'm from New York originally."

"I see," he politely answered. "I hope it's okay I came to talk to you."

"Me?" Ben turned around and stared.

"Yeah. How is he?" Jared asked, concerned. His gaze was honest and kind. Ben wasn't uncomfortable in his presence, not at all. Jared was friend in this scenario, not a foe.

"Why don't you ask Connor?"

Jared pursed his lips. "Because Connor will answer _just fine_ and then he will smile. Where is he by the way?"

"He's sleeping." Ben gestured for the kitchen table and they sat down. "It wasn't pretty when he got here."

Jared turned and looked out of the kitchen into the hall where the door had been the casualty of war. "I'm so sorry this is so hard for him. I talked to Lucy today, but it may take a while for her to see things differently."

"Rome wasn't built in a day," Ben muttered. Looking past Jared, Katie trotted past the door. He smiled. She was such a cutie.

"No, it wasn't." Jared paused and put his hands on the table. "I'll do my best to bridge the waters, but it's not going to be easy. I'm glad he has you, Ben."

Ben wasn't sure what to answer to that, so he kept quiet. It wasn't about him, but about Connor. Ben could take whatever anyone threw at him, but all he wanted was for Connor to get through this as intact as possible.

"Hey." Connor's voice pitched and he blinked rapidly. His face was lined with sleep and his hair was a mess. He had Katie on his arm as he looked at Jared, and then at Ben like he now just realized cattle was grazing in the kitchen. He rubbed his face. "It's not every day I get sucker punched by a two year old as a wake-up call. Hey, Jared."

"Hi. Katie, you weren't supposed to wake him up!" Jared admonished, but his tone was soft. She ignored him.

"Unkie Connie. I'm hungry," Katie pouted, and blinked at him with her big brown eyes. She had undoubtedly seen the food on the counter.

"Yeah, me too, little bear. You want to help Uncle whip up some dinner?" He set her down on the counter, and decided to finish the sandwich Ben had been working on.

"Stinky cheese," Katie said and wrinkled her little nose.

"You want stinky cheese?" Connor teased. He jostled a slice in front of her face and she squealed with delight.

"I want butter," she demanded.

"I just bet you do. Ha! Momma Bear can't see you now and you can have all the butter you want."

Ben suppressed his smile. Maybe that was Connor's way of getting back at his sister. Feed her daughter all the stuff she wasn't normally allowed. Both Ben and Jared declined when Connor offered to make them a sandwich.

Sitting down, Connor had Katie on his lap. As he ate, his attention was devoted to her. It was obvious he adored his niece and she was glowing in his attention. Sucking the butter off her fingers, she offered her Unkie Connie a taste and not even then did he refuse her. He loved her. He loved his entire family. This mess was breaking hearts.

"Did Lucy send you?" Connor asked. His tone was hopeful, but also slightly acidic. He was hurt and it was the kind of hurt that would take a long time to heal.

Jared sighed. "No. I didn't tell her I was coming here either. She needs time and she's not going to be ready by tomorrow. The pregnancy is rough on her, so please, I hope you can be patient with her."

Connor nodded solemnly. "I'll try."

As Jared looked at Katie leaving greasy finger marks on the table, his smile was indulgent. Ben didn't say much as Connor and Jared talked. It was abundantly clear that they were family and that they cared for each other. It had been a long time since Ben had been in a room where respect and mutual understanding was important. He had it with Anna, but how it felt to really be a family was hidden in the dark corners of his mind. Ben could almost smell the wall of spices when sitting in his mother's kitchen and hear how she would hum to herself when his father wasn't home. He would be doing his homework or playing solitaire as he chatted endlessly. Back then, he had been a part of a family, even if it was just his mother and him.

"Hey, you! Did you just fart?" Connor gasped and tickled Katie's stomach. She was still on his lap, but now she was laughing loudly while tossing herself back and forth. "Princesses don't fart, you little monkey."

She batted at his hand. "Daddy farts."

"Hey!" Jared complained. They all burst out laughing. It was all too much and it shattered the gloomy atmosphere in the kitchen. All it took was a child laughing and possibly lacking a filter.

ooOoo

The day turned out to be exactly the nightmare that Ben had expected and Connor had feared. It had also felt like the longest day in the history of the world. The meeting with Connor's parents could pretty much be labeled as a disaster.

Connor had done exactly what he set out to do when the day began. He had stuck to his guns and had told his parents that he was gay.

From the time they got up in the morning, the day had been emotional, excruciatingly so. Connor's mood had been unpredictable and had shifted from confident to emotional to needy to nauseated, and then to silent as the grave. At one point, Connor had been so nervous that he threw up until his stomach was completely empty. He had literally worried himself sick.

Ben had tried to reassure him and soothe him as he tossed and turned the entire night before going to his parent's house. He doubted that Connor even closed an eye, but when he had set his mind to something, there was little chance of changing it. Ben admired that kind of tenacity, but he also worried that perhaps coming out wasn't for the best right now. Not when Connor was such a mess.

Late that night as they were lying in bed, Connor sniffled and wiped his face with his palm again. His eyes were swollen and red from crying.

"If they could just see…" Connor murmured. He didn't finish, instead he buried his face in the pillow while sobs wracked his body. It muted the heartbroken sounds.

"Oh, honey," Ben whispered. He inched closer, running his hand up and down Connor's back under the sheets. It was awful watching him suffer like this, but it was the reality they had to deal with now. The wound Connor had suffered was fresh and pulsating with pain. Ben understood, but it was hard to find the right words to lessen the pain for him.

Lucy hadn't made an appearance at their parents' place. She hadn't been there to support Connor. Only Jared had come and it meant the world to him. Without him, there was no telling what would have happened. He was so good at mediating and speaking both sides, when the silence was hurtful or words became demeaning.

Ben had tried all day to forget the look of repulsion on Peter's face and Charlotte's mournful tears. At this point in time, there was no reason to discuss anything with Connor's parents, or explain how they had plans for the future. What needed to happen now was that Peter and Charlotte should have time to digest the news.

Connor looked up again when the sobs started to quiet down. "If they understood how we feel about each other, perhaps…"

Ben knew what he was getting at. Connor thought the concept of love would help change his parents' mind. It was a hope that Ben secretly lingered on, but he wasn't going to expect anything.

"Maybe," he acquiesced. Ben stroked Connor's face gently. "What's most important is that we know how we feel."

Connor's face scrunched up and tears welled in his eyes again. Ben knew he hadn't cried in years, but it was like all those bottled-up emotions had the strength of a tsunami that washed over land tearing up everything as it went. Right now, to Connor, it felt like his entire family had been washed way and scattered in the wake of the disaster. At one point, he said it felt like his family had died. It was the loss that he had feared for years. The day had caught up to him, and no matter the amount of preparation it would always rip your feet from under you and leave you helpless.

"I know." He drew a shaky breath. "Please don't ever leave me, Ben."

"Shh," Ben soothed, scuttling closer together again. Connor pressed his face to Ben's chest, seeking comfort. This was the first time all evening that Connor let him come closer. He hadn't wanted to be hugged or held. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

When they had arrived back home from the disastrous family meeting, Connor had refused to speak for hours. It was a strange repetition of how Peter had refused to talk to Ben after the revelation of their relationship. Suppressing the memory of Peter holding his hand up in a dismissive gesture saying _I'm not quite ready to have a conversation with you yet, Mr. Vasquez _seemed wise. Ben was hurt about that, but for now, that feeling was on the backburner.

For the remainder of the day, Ben tried not to hound Connor, and give him space while watching his every twitch. He was ready for the breakdown and waiting for the moment he needed to catch Connor as he fell. It had happened when they went to bed at night. The floodgates had opened.

"I'm so sorry things went so badly today, but all we can do is move forward. I'm here every step of the way, honey. Just lean on me and we will get through it all together." Ben knew he was strong enough to keep Connor on his feet now that he needed it. It gave Ben purpose to be the strong one and knowing it wasn't misguided. Connor really did need him.

Connor gripped Ben tightly, clinging to him for dear life. "I wish it didn't hurt so fucking much."

"I know," Ben answered quietly. He knew the grotesque pain, and he hated that Connor was subjected to it now. It could possibly be a loss that lasted for the rest of his life. His parents hadn't exactly shunned him, but they were a long shot away from being the close-knit family they had been this morning. When they left his parents, Connor had given them the same options as Lucy. He had given them Ben's address, soon to be his address, and told them he would give them space to come to terms with things, but that he hoped they would visit. No one had hugged or offered any consoling words as they left.

"Please keep holding me. It helps me from going to pieces. You can hold me together."

Ben gripped him as tightly as he could, holding on until Connor fell asleep hours later, all the while repeating over and over again that he loved him.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Sorry for the delay, darlings, but I hope this chapter was worth the wait. It was a monster to write and I needed to get this right, but finally it's here. I hope you will take a few moments and tell me what you think. Do any of you have stories of family/friends who came out? I would love to hear them.**

**As always bear hugs to Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22**


	21. Baby Steps

**PFLAG: Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays**

oooooOOOOooooo

**Baby Steps**

Charlotte Hayes descended the stairs, crossed the hall, and entered Peter's office. He was behind his desk flipping through a folder or something. He looked up after a moment, knowing that Charlotte was in the room. His jaw tensed and the look in his eyes was one of defeat.

"I'm leaving now," Charlotte said. She wasn't normally one to carry a grudge, but it was hard to keep the venom out of her voice. It had been more than two weeks now, and Peter still hadn't come to any sort of decision. Neither had she, but she was done sitting around waiting for the moment her world would start making sense again.

"Are you sure you want to do this, darling?" he asked.

"All I'm sure of is that I don't want to lose what little is left of the relationship I have with my son."

Peter swallowed and ran his hands down his face. "When will you be back?"

"I'm not sure. I think there are some leftovers in the fridge from yesterday. You can have that for dinner." Charlotte took a deep breath and it sang with finality. "I really do wish you would come with me." As she said the words, she knew she couldn't change Peter's mind.

He walked around the desk, but not before he picked up a thin envelope. He held it out to her. "This is all I can do for now."

Carefully, she took the envelope and ran her fingers along the edges. It felt like the paper would break into her skin. It was a poor substitute for what he could do, but she couldn't make the decision for him. She had tried, but it had been fruitless.

With her heart and mind set, she left. She had never felt distant to her husband, but as of now there was a large crevice building between them.

About fifteen minutes later, she looked at the GPS and double-checked again to make sure she had the right building. Well, at least it was much nicer than were Connor used to stay. Charlotte had always hated that place.

At the top of the stairs, there were four doors. One was ajar with voices slipping through the crack. She didn't pay attention, but studied the nametags instead. Next to the open door, a pair of muddy running shoes was thrown aside. She recognized them along with the name on the door.

Just as she was about to knock, she couldn't help but listen to the conversation coming from inside.

"Please would you stop stalling and take that damn shower. You're filthy and you stink."

Laughter rang out. She recognized it was Connor's. No doubt about it. "I do not stink, but now that you ask so nicely, I'll get right on it. I was thinking, do you want to go to the movies tonight?"

Charlotte caught a swift movement inside the apartment and gave it no more thought. It was now or never. She needed to act now or she would lose her nerve. This was for her son and she could put away her discomfort to have a conversation with him. She knocked with three swift and nervous raps.

The following second made her heart pound. It was Ben, who opened the door. Her mouth felt dry, and his eyes widened.

"Mrs. Hayes," he said, surprised. His eyes turned apprehensive and he glanced over his shoulder. Behind him in the hall, a mess of boxes was littering the floor and a surfboard lay on its side against the wall. "It's nice to see you again."

She forced a smile. It wasn't because she didn't want to nice to Ben, but more that she was somewhat ashamed of how she had acted the last time she had seen this man. Amongst her inconsiderate words, she had accused Ben of doing this to Connor. She had blamed him for taking her son away and leading him into damnation. Oh, how she wished he wasn't about to bring that up. Despite how she felt about the mess her family was in, she was ashamed of the way she had treated this man.

"I'm sorry to come by unannounced like this," she hedged and clutched her bag. "Uh…" She looked down, trying to collect the words that were running wild in her head. She had always been articulate, but now that was just a faint memory.

She watched as Ben inclined his head and his gaze softened. He really was a handsome young man. "Oh, that's all right," he answered and smiled. "Connor will be glad to see you."

Charlotte swallowed, much the same painful way Peter had before she left. Her mouth was so dry. She had received a few texts from Connor since he came to the house, but he hadn't called, which she knew he wouldn't. His message had been perfectly clear. They had to come to him once they were ready, not the other way around. Connor was stubborn and had stuck to his word. She hadn't answered his texts or called either.

"Mom?" Connor said, when he came into view behind Ben. His eyes were wide with ambiguous fright. Connor was the tallest of them. She hadn't noticed that before.

"Why don't you come in," Ben offered. He looked back at Connor and they shared a strange moment that didn't contain any words.

As Charlotte looked around, she tried to find a place to set her foot down without stepping on something.

"I apologize about the mess, we were just…" Ben trailed off and didn't finish. This time, he looked a little uneasy.

Charlotte noticed that Connor didn't come any closer or hug her. He used to hug her and kiss her cheek whenever he saw her. He had his arms folded across his chest and he looked back at her, somewhat surly. She couldn't help but smile a little. He looked so much like the sullen teenager he had been at times. Now, he was splattered with mud and had green splotches of grass on his pants. It was raining and he'd probably been playing football or participated in something else rowdy. Charlotte couldn't count the times he had ripped his new jeans or she had to throw his pants in the trash because the grass stains wouldn't come out. Some things just never changed.

Perhaps that was the way to help her accept the reality that had come crashing down on her. This was what she could deal with and not the fact she was in the home of her son's _boyfriend_. It was strange to deal with something she found so profoundly wrong, but it was the only way to keep her son. She knew that. However, omitting a few facts made the whole situation a little easier for her to deal with.

When Connor had made the announcement at their house two weeks ago, she had felt like Botox had been injected into her entire body. She had been paralyzed by the news. Sure, during the past few years she had noticed he had had less than no interest in dating, but she figured it was mostly a choice for the time being. That was Connor's prerogative. Little did she know that he _was _dating and that he was leading this secret alternate life of which his family was absolutely no part. She knew whom to blame for that, and it was none other than herself.

Charlotte looked around the apartment. It wasn't large, but it had the essentials, and it was homey, surprisingly so.

When they were in the kitchen, the silence was heavy. It felt suffocating, like she was inhaling smoke from a fire. "I thought we could talk," she suggested carefully and looked at Connor. Oh, how she had missed him—her sweet boy.

"Sure," he shrugged, like it was no big deal. His eyes betrayed him though. He was suffering. That was clear. They were all suffering. Peter barely spoke to anybody but his employees, and that was only out of necessity. Lucy cried a lot and didn't want to talk about anything other than the new baby. She ignored the facts at all cost. Jared had tried to mediate, but that was when Charlotte clamped up. They had all turned their backs on Connor. They had sent him out into the cold and left him there. How could she blame him for his chilly mood?

The guilt had been consuming her. She was losing her son. It had to end. They needed to find some sort of middle ground.

"I'll go shower first. I stink," Connor said. Ben repressed a smile and cocked a brow at him. Connor narrowed his eyes in return and made a snide face. "I'll be like ten minutes, Mom."

"Take your time," she said. She was grateful that he was willing to talk to her.

"Please have a seat, Mrs. Hayes. Would you like something to drink?" Ben politely asked.

"I wouldn't mind some coffee?" Her voice quivered slightly and her knees were trembling as she sat.

"Uhm, we don't have coffee. Neither Connor nor I drink it. Tea, Mrs. Hayes?" His tone was somewhat shy.

"Sure. Call me Charlotte, Ben. I think we can stop the formalities and pretenses given the circumstances." She let out a slow heavy breath. When she looked up again, Ben was studying her.

"I know this isn't easy for you either, Charlotte," Ben said kindly. "I want you to know I never wanted any kind of fallout between Connor and your family. I wish it was easier for him."

Charlotte blinked back tears. "Yes, so do I." Right at the tip of her tongue was the solution to what would make this whole disaster disappear. _If my son wasn't gay, there wouldn't be a problem. _

"How has he been?" she asked instead.

Ben looked down at his feet. His eyes were sad when he lifted his gaze. "You're going to have to ask Connor about that. I can't speak for him."

Charlotte nodded. That was an honest answer. She could appreciate that much. They studied each other without any shame. Ben let her, and she knew that, because he could easily have busied himself with something and turned his back to her. Personally, there wasn't much to dislike about him. He seemed like an honest and goodhearted man. That much had been clear from that fateful Sunday Connor told them the truth.

Physically, they were completely different types. Ben looked much more refined in his sleek tailored dress pants combined with his slim fit shirt and slipover. He was tall and lean and his hair was long at the front and the texture of it was glossy. Connor could, on a rare occasion, be persuaded to wear a button down, but that was about it for dressing up. Jeans and t-shirts were his thing, though she had tried to influence him. Connor's hair was kept fairly short and it was always messy on top.

"I see you got the cast taken off," she said mostly to avoid the silence.

Ben broke into a huge smile. "Yes, finally. I still wear a brace, though, but it's so much better now."

"So everything is all right?" she asked.

"Yeah. I have a lot of scars, but in return I have an arm. That's not a bad deal."

She chuckled. "That is a good deal. I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Thank you."

"Ben!" Connor hollered from the bathroom or bedroom. It was hard to tell. "I can't find my green and white striped Ralph Lauren polo. Do you know where it is?"

Closing her eyes, Charlotte couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up her throat. "He's still… uncaring with his clothes, I see."

Ben snickered. "I would use the word slob, but that wouldn't be nice. Excuse me," he said as he left the kitchen. She could hear their low voices from somewhere, but she couldn't pick out the words. A few minutes later, Connor appeared looking fresh as a daisy. His face was clean and his hair was damp. She picked up the smell of his body wash or cologne that she didn't know, but it was pleasing. Was this the kind of thing Connor noticed too? How other men smelled? She pushed the thought aside.

"We can talk out on the terrace. We'll be safe from the rain."

She followed Connor, noticing he had clearly found the shirt in question. She tried to bite back her sadness at their distance. In some dark corner of her mind, she had naively hoped nothing had changed and perhaps it was all just a bad dream. It wasn't though. This was as real as it got and she was here to make amends.

Connor pointed to a chair for her to use. He used to pull it out for her, as he had good manners, but not today. She sat down. Connor mirrored, stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed his arms over his chest again. Classic self-defense pose, she thought.

"I'm not sure where to start." She sighed, as she sifted through several scenarios she had planned out in her head. None of them seemed relevant right now. Not when Connor was angry and upset. Her hand went to her purse and to the letter from Peter that was burning a hole in her heart. Then she picked her beginning, and it was nowhere near any of the things she had thought to say. "Your father and I have always prided ourselves on teaching you and Lucy to be honest, so I thought it was time we were honest with each other."

Connor snorted. "Great, where's Dad?"

Charlotte looked away, scanning the buildings in view of the terrace. It was cloudy from the heavy downpour. This was not going to be easy. She hadn't expected Connor to be so closed off. He had never been like that before. "He's not ready yet." She fumbled the letter out of her purse. It was probably best he read this now instead of later in case he wanted to talk to her about anything that letter said.

Apprehensively, Connor leaned forward and snatched the envelope. He unfolded it slowly and the crisp paper crackled. She studied him as he read it. He pressed his lips together hard and his chin trembled. When water pooled in his eyes, he looked into the rain. He folded it up and placed it on the table. He didn't look at her.

"Uhm, tea?" Ben placed two mugs on the table. His eyes were on Connor and his hand landed on her son's shoulder. Ben's thumb was just above the collar of the Ralph Polo shirt, and touching his skin. "You okay?" he asked so softly that Charlotte could barely hear it. Without out a word, Connor picked up the letter again and held it out to Ben. He sat down and read it. What amazed her was the closeness between them. There was no arguing _if_ Ben was entitled to read a private letter from his father. It was just assumed. There was a beauty in that.

Connor sniffled and wiped his face on his sleeve. Ben put the letter down. "Do you want me to stay?" He was clearly waiting for Connor's word on what to do.

Connor shook his head. "It's okay. We'll talk about it later." He gave Ben a tiny smile and the man left again.

"How is Ben taking all of this? Is his family supportive?" Charlotte asked. That seemed like a good place to start.

Connor looked back with a startling expression. "Ben doesn't have a family for the same reasons I haven't spoken to either you, Dad or Lucy for more than two weeks. As for Ben, he's absolutely amazing. You would see that too if you gave him a chance. He understands what all of this means to me and he supports what I want. We're on the same wavelength and he makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world when I've never felt lonelier. He has been here for me every step of the way." His tone was cool. Charlotte inhaled sharply from what almost felt like an attack. Having Connor talk to her this way was like a knife through the heart.

"So this relationship, is it serious?" Cautiously, she took a sip of the tea. It smelled fruitier than it tasted, but perhaps her mouth would feel less arid if she took a sip.

"Those are my moving boxes that you stepped over out in the hall, so what do you think, Mom?" She pinned Connor with a measured glare. He sighed. "Yes, it's serious and we've moved in together. I wish you could have been a part of it, because it's pretty big deal to me. It breaks my heart that for the rest of my life you probably won't want to be a part of the milestones in my life. It makes me feel like all that you and dad ever instilled in Lucy and me was all just a big joke. I've always been proud of you as my parents, but I can't say that anymore. Well, at least, not right now."

Charlotte looked down. "I can't say that either. I understand that this is hard for you, but it's hard on all of us. I appreciate the time you've given us to think about this, and that is why I'm here now. About a week ago, I contacted PFLAG, because I was desperate to talk to someone who understands. I've met Mary through the organization and she has helped a lot, because I don't know how to deal with this. So for today, I came up with a plan. It may change tomorrow, but it works for me today," she said as she tried to follow the advice she had been given.

"Okay, what's the plan?" Connor asked.

"I thought we could have an honest conversation. I have questions and I hope you will answer them."

"Okay, you can ask me anything," he said and his tone softened.

Charlotte sighed. "First of all, I don't think it's fair that you accuse me of not wanting to be a part of your life. You dropped this bomb on us two weeks ago and it's been a difficult one to handle. I admit that. However, apparently you've had big plans for your future, but how do you expect any of us to participate in anything you do when you don't even tell us about it?"

Connor shrugged and suddenly he looked so youthful, exactly like the boy she had raised. His eyes were filled with humor. "Uhm… I see your point." As he looked back now, his face was softer, and a little kinder. "Did you have questions?"

"I do. I don't want to offend you in any way, but I have things I am wondering about," Charlotte began.

"Shoot," Connor said and leaned forward. He didn't touch his drink. Did he even drink tea? Charlotte had no idea.

"Are you one hundred percent sure that you're homosexual?"

"Yes," Connor deadpanned. Charlotte waited for him to roll his eyes… and there was a hint of the reaction she expected. Yes, she was aware that some of her questions were stupid, but so be it. She needed to ask them and hear his answers.

"Do you wish you weren't?" she continued.

Connor looked a little surprised before he answered. "Not anymore. I did when I was younger, before I understood myself. Now that I know who I am, I'm not ashamed of it. It may seem that way because I didn't tell you, but I feared ending up in a situation like this more than anything."

"I see. Lucy mentioned a man named Drew, is he…" she paused, trying to find the right way to phrase her curiosity.

"An ex?" Connor filled in. "Sort of. It's in the past though, and now he's just a friend I'm helping out."

Charlotte continued unabashed. These were the questions she had asked Mary from PFLAG, but there was only one person to answer them. "When did you find out that you were attracted to men?"

"Well, aren't we blasé?" Connor teased. Then he sighed. "I figured it out around when I was fifteen. I tried to talk to Dad about it at that time, but he wouldn't hear of it. He told me not to mind my head with such nonsense."

Instantly, that sharp pain she had felt so many times now, slashed through her. Connor had tried to talk about what he was feeling and had been shot down. The thought of having caused her son harm was repulsive, even if it was inadvertently. For now, she continued down her list of questions.

"Do you have a first love?" Her throat felt a little tight. "I feel like I should know this, but I realize that I don't have a clue."

"You can know these things, Mom, if you want to. Yes, I do have a first love. It's Ben. I've never been in love before I met him or even been in a relationship."

"Okay, what about the all the girls you dated in high school. Didn't you have feelings for any of them?"

"I cared for them as friends, but it never went any deeper than that. I dated them, so I could hide behind them," he explained. He looked a little ashamed at that. Well, he should be and he hadn't been nice to those girls, Charlotte thought. Then she tacked on.

"Are you happy, Connor?"

He cocked a brow at her. "Happy, as in general or happy with Ben?"

"Both, I guess."

"Well, I'm very happy with Ben, but in general I'm pretty fucking miserable, Mom."

"Language, Connor!" she snapped out of habit.

"I thought you wanted us to be honest. I'm only being honest and it is how I feel. I wish more than anything it wouldn't be such a big deal that I like men, but it is and it hurts like you wouldn't believe that you can't accept that. As I see it, that merits a _fuck_."

Charlotte tried to repress her smile, but it was hard. Oh, how she had missed her son and his persistence. He had always been stubborn. "Well, I hope you can do me a favor then."

"What?" Connor's brows shot up.

"I need to understand and get used to this situation. It's not easy for me, so I'm asking you to just be you… with Ben. I think I need to see what your life is like now. On some levels, I feel like I don't even know you at all."

"You _do_ know me. You know me precisely the way you did two weeks ago. I haven't changed. You just learned something new about me, but I'm still exactly the same person," he answered.

"Well said, then perhaps I'm the one who's changed. Whichever is right, I hope you will help me understand. You told us two weeks ago that you didn't want to hide anymore, so I'm asking you not to do that. Be who you are and don't cover up how you feel."

Connor's gaze shifted from guarded to astonished within the blink of an eye. "You know what, Mom, you're pretty fucking amazing. Before you berate me about the language, yes, I said fuck again, because I mean it. So sue me." Connor paused. "However, I don't think it's going to be that easy."

Charlotte took a large slug of her tea when her mouth started to feel dry again. She was testing her limits and stretching herself thin. "I know it won't, but I need to learn how to keep an open mind. Hopefully, that can smooth the way."

"What about the rest of the family? Have you told anybody?" Connor slouched back in his chair. She was about to remind him of posture when that just struck her as ironic. Here she was asking him to be who he was, and that probably meant watching him slouch.

Charlotte shook her head. "Uhm, we weren't sure what to say or do, or even if it was our right to say anything at all. Have you?" She frowned. "What about the public?"

Connor narrowed his eyes. "You haven't read Dad's letter," he stated. He picked it up and held it out to her. She held up her hand in a dismissive gesture.

"That is between you and your father… and Ben. You can tell me what that says, but I do not wish to read it. It wasn't written for me."

Connor smiled, but it was a sad smile. "Well, basically, he asks for more time before we talk, because right now he can't accept that I'm gay and my relationship with Ben. However, he's giving me my freedom, so to speak. His publicist will help us deal with the media when I come out publicly and he will support whatever I wish to do, but for now, he can't be a part of it." His voice got weaker and he cleared his throat. "I guess I'm grateful for the indirect support, but I wish he had come here with you."

Charlotte reached across the table. "So do I, honey." She patted his hand. "Maybe in a few months."

Connor looked down and he turned his hand folding it around his mother's. "What about Lucy?" he asked quietly.

"I just don't know. She's in denial. She won't talk to me about it at all."

"She ignores my calls. I only talk to Jared," Connor said and then he chuckled. It was sardonic and humorless. "I actually thought she would be the first one to understand, but perhaps she will be the last, if at all?"

"I'm sorry, darling. I really am. If it makes you feel any better, I'm really glad I came tonight. I missed you so much and I'm thrilled to see that you're all right." She smiled a little and then said something she never would have thought she would say. "I'm glad you have Ben to help you through this."

Connor's brows shot up. "Oh." Then he flashed his lovely boyish smile that made his eyes light up. "Would you like to stay for dinner? I was going to help Ben cook, and I'd like for you to stay and eat with us."

"I'd be delighted, son." She paused. "Wait, you cook?"

He made a face at her. "Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks. Come on into the kitchen with me and you can get to know my boyfriend."

Charlotte's breath hitched and her stomach lurched. Oh, she was going to have to learn to control this. She had asked to see for herself what Connor's life was like and this was it. Somehow, it was almost like she had made a deal with the devil.

Charlotte followed Connor through the living room and into the kitchen. She was glad she had brought the tea because it felt like the only stable point in her existence at the moment. She understood and knew what to expect from a simple cup of tea when she took yet another sip.

She had no clue what was waiting for her in the kitchen. What if they kissed? Was she supposed to look or look away? Had she bitten off more than what she could chew? God, she hoped Mary had been right and that she could handle this.

Nervously, Charlotte sat down at the kitchen table. She felt like she should offer to help with something, but with what? She felt misplaced, like she was making a cameo in a world that made absolutely no sense to her.

She watched as Connor snatched a wedge of raw potato from where Ben was peeling them into the basin. He hopped up onto the counter. "Mom's staying for dinner. We have enough, right?"

Ben's brows shot up and he looked over his shoulder. "Of course. We're only having Shepherd's pie, but it's no trouble," he said and it sounded like an excuse. Ben turned and smiled at Connor. Once again, they shared a strange gaze where words were needless. They didn't kiss, though Charlotte wasn't lost to the potential of the moment. She would never admit to anything, but she couldn't be more grateful that she didn't have to endure a kiss right now. She was edgy enough as it was.

Charlotte held up her hand. "I don't want to impose."

"Mom. Stop!" Connor said and then he smiled. His eyes were sparkling and Charlotte knew it was the right decision to stay. It made her son happy, and what was more important than that? "Wine?"

She frowned, but quickly masked it. Connor didn't drink, did he? "Only, if you're having," she answered. She watched as Connor pulled an already open bottle of white wine from the fridge and poured two glasses, one for her and one for Ben. He still didn't drink. Perhaps, she did know her son after all.

Taking a careful sip of her drink, she watched as Ben did most of the cooking and Connor talked endlessly. So this was how he cooked. That made sense, she thought to herself.

Charlotte Hayes spent the next two hours getting acquainted with the life her son now led. Ben was honest and answered all the questions she kept firing at him. She felt ignorant, like a novice, but wasn't it like that with every new experience? She had to learn, she had to find her footing in this unfamiliar world. The only way to do that was to keep her eyes and heart open.

She could easily see that Connor was absolutely crazy about this handsome man who seemed so gentle and was so soft spoken. A person would have to be deaf, blind and mute to miss that Connor's feelings were repaid in full. Ben was attentive and charming when it came to Connor.

If she was being honest with herself, the night wasn't bad at all. Charlotte wasn't sure what she had expected when she had left home, but she was happy to see this… dedication between them. Seeing them together had brought a new perspective. She had seen with her own eyes that Connor hadn't turned into someone she didn't recognize. No, he was still her son. Yes, things could be easier, but spending an evening in their company brought hope for reconciliation, and a hope that their family could heal in time. They could learn to grow together, and stay a family. Nothing was more important than that.

As a coping mechanism, Charlotte kept the training wheels on and chose to consider Ben and Connor as close friends and not pay too much attention to the rest.

"Goodnight, Ben, and thank you for dinner again," Charlotte said was standing in the cluttered hall. She was about to leave.

"You're quite welcome, Charlotte," Ben said kindly. When he walked out of the hall, he was smiling softly. Then Connor hugged her and kissed her cheek.

"I'm proud of you, Mom," he whispered when he held her tightly.

She squeezed him back. "It was good to see you." She clutched onto her son considerably longer than she normally would have. "We'll get through this somehow. I can't bear to lose you, darling."

Connor pulled back and tilted his head to the side as he regarded her. "I wish Lucy and Dad felt the same way."

"Oh, they do. They just don't know how to show it right now. Rome wasn't built in a day," she sighed.

Connor chuckled.

"What?" she asked.

"Ben always says that. Please don't be a stranger. Come by anytime," Connor offered.

"Thank you, darling. I love you."

"I love you, too. Goodnight, Mom."

ooOoo

Connor closed the door and locked it. He leaned against the door for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. He let out a massive sigh. Then he sauntered in to the living room. Ben was on the couch. His pretty brown eyes were following his every move. Feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed, Connor sank into the couch. He couldn't help smiling like a fool.

"How are you feeling?" Ben asked.

"Pretty goddamn amazing. I can't believe she came." Connor stared out into nothing while feeling a little light-headed. Did this really happen? Had his mom made the move to start paving the road to reconciliation? God, he hoped this was the solution.

Ben held his hand with the brace out. "Come here, baby." Connor leaned against his chest and Ben kissed his forehead. "Let's watch a movie."

With a wicked gleam in his eye, Connor peeked up. "Let's watch a movie and make out. I'm in serious need of a good make out session." Ben laughed loudly, when Connor grasped the back of his thighs and yanked him down on the couch roughly.

"You're on!" Ben challenged.

Connor weaseled his way in between Ben's spread legs. "I love you. Fuck, I love you!" he said as relief flooded him. This was the olive branch he had dreamed of for two weeks solid. Every day when he woke up, he begged for the sign that he wasn't left without a family for the rest of his life. This was it. Today had been the day. He felt lighter than air.

oooooOOOOooooo

**Whew… now that has been said and done. So what are you thinking? Good, bad or… let me know, hit the comments.**

**Thank you all so much for reading.**

**As always Chartwilightmom, AnnaLund and Dazzled Eyes22 lend me their expertise, especially the latter kept me on my toes and made sure she brought out the best of Charlotte. Thank you.**


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